Anna hugged her sister tight, and noticed how much bigger Ursula’s stomach had grown. It wouldn’t be long before she was unable to hide her growing belly beneath her untucked blouses.
“Does Mutter know yet?” Anna gestured to her sister’s belly.
Ursula shook her head and led her sister over to the kitchen table. “Mutter is running errands. She should be back soon. Do you want some tea?”
“Thanks, tea would be fine.” Mutter grew peppermint plants in the allotment so they always had a fresh or dried supply of leaves for tea.
While Anna waited for Ursula to heat the water, she asked, “Are you still working with Pfarrer Bernau?”
“Yes,” Ursula said, sighing. “It is tiring on top of my usual work at the prison, but I can’t stop now. There are so many people who need to leave this country to stay safe.”
“Aren’t you afraid?” Anna asked.
Ursula looked at her with big eyes, before she giggled. “Afraid? Of course! There’s not a single minute in the day that I’m not frightened. Every time I hear steps behind me, I’m certain it’s the Gestapo coming to arrest me.”
“But…how can you live like that? Don’t you want to stop? And feel safe again?” Anna insisted. Her older sister had never been particularly courageous. She had been the good girl, while Anna herself had been the rebellious one, the one who wanted more from life than being a wife and mother.
“I want to stop at least ten times a day,” Ursula said as she put a few peppermint leaves into a cup and poured hot water on top. “But then…these people need me. If we can’t get them out of the country, sooner or later they will be found and sent to the camps.”
Anna sighed. Why was everyone else so much braver than her?
“Enough about me; how’s your work?” Ursula asked.
“I’ve been promoted to team leader of the research group.”
“That’s a good thing, right?” Ursula asked.
Anna shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “No. Ursula, you wouldn’t believe…they are testing my vaccines on real people.”
“What?”
“They’ve been using mentally ill children…”
“That’s disgusting.” Ursula put a hand on her hips and stared at her sister with a piercing glance. “You have to stop working there. Today. How can you be a part of that?”
“It’s not that easy. I’m not directly involved, and if I don’t prepare the bacterial cultures somebody else will. And sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the greater good.”
“That’s bull. You don’t actually believe that baloney, do you?” Ursula’s eyes shot daggers at her, but then her glance softened and she patted Anna’s arm. “Don’t make a pact with the devil, Anna. Walk away.”
Anna gave a bitter laugh. “I already sold my body to the devil, remember?”
“I do. Don’t sell your soul as well. The Nazis can take everything from you, your possessions, your dignity, your physical integrity, but the one thing they can’t take away is your soul. Your ability to make the right choice.” After her speech, Ursula suddenly looked tired.
“I should go,” Anna murmured. She hadn’t come here to be lectured and scolded like a three-year-old. She came because she needed empathy and some sisterly support.
“Don’t.” Ursula stopped her. “It’s time for you to stop putting your ambitions above everything and everyone else. You may be living your dream and climbing the ladder of success, but it’s built on the corpses of men, women, and children. Not on your accomplishments.”
“Who are you to criticize my choices? You can’t even tell Mutter the truth!” Anna yelled at her sister.
“Tell me what?” Mutter asked, coming to stand beside the table. She glared from one daughter to the other, her stare demanding an answer.
Ursula flashed Anna a nasty look and then said what she should have confessed months earlier, “I’m pregnant.”
Mutter’s face turned ashen and she flopped onto the chair. “You’re what?”
“Pregnant,” Ursula repeated, shaking with tension.
“How…how could you do something so…so…disgraceful? Haven’t I raised you to be a modest girl? One that doesn’t…” Mutter closed her eyes, disgust showing in her face. “You can be glad your father isn’t home.”
None of this would have happened in the first place if he were home, instead of having to go to war. Anna bit her tongue; it was wiser to keep out of the line of fire.
Mutter seemed to recover from the shock, some of the lost color returning to her face. She ran a hand over her hair, smoothing the first streaks of gray, and asked in a much calmer voice, “Who is the…father?”
Ursula begged Anna with her eyes to stay silent, and then confronted her mother, saying, “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not? Is it so terrible?” Mutter’s eyes turned wide as saucers. “It is, isn’t it? The father is one of those visitors you’ve been hiding in the allotment gardens?”
Ursula remained quiet, refusing to answer her mother. Anna, for once, was in full agreement with keeping the parentage of Ursula’s baby a secret. The reality was much worse than Mutter imagined. The father wasn’t a Jew, but the enemy; one of the hated English bomber pilots bringing death and destruction to the German people.
“I have to leave,” Anna announced into the tense quiet. “I’ll visit another day.”
Chapter 23
Anna left the apartment, angry at Ursula, at Mutter, and at Peter. But most of all she was angry with herself. Ursula’s pep talk had struck a chord. Was Anna barking up the wrong tree? Was the career she’d worked so hard to obtain worth nothing?
Anna increased her pace, walking all the way to her place at the Charité. She reached the staff building covered in sweat, her heart pounding from the exercise. Did anyone not actively opposing the wrongdoings automatically become a criminal by association? What had happened to the comfortable position inside the silent majority, where people were neither saints nor devils?
Am I a Nazi by definition now? Who can I talk to who won’t be judgmental? I need a voice of reason.
She turned on her heel and rushed across the huge compound of the Charité, glancing at the residual damage remaining from the awful destruction inflicted by the recent bombing raid.
Peter will listen without jumping to conclusions. Anna gritted her teeth. He was the last person she wanted to see right now. Not because he’d turned out to be a spy, because truth be told, she longed for Hitler to lose the war and disappear for good. But because she was still livid over the fact that she’d had to find out his secret by accident. A part of her understood why Peter had kept silent, but that didn’t lessen the hurt she felt over his lack of faith in her.
Her feet propelled her forward, and for a fleeting moment she considered keeping on running. But where to? What would she do? The crazy idea to volunteer to become a nurse following the front line popped into her head. But just thinking about giving up her position at the Charité made her heart ache. She loved her work, despite everything.
I’m not cut out to be a hero. I’m a failure.
Anna reached the end of the hospital grounds, and the inner turmoil brought on by her self-recriminations had left her in a frantic haze, unable to form a clear thought. As she turned the corner, a church bell chimed twelve times, and reminded her of her sister Lotte. And Ursula. And Pfarrer Bernau. She’d met him a few times when planning Lotte’s escape. He wouldn’t judge. He might even help her to gain clarity.
With newfound hope, Anna turned back and walked the forty-five minutes until she reached his parish. She found him sitting on a pew at the front of the church and quietly took a seat next to him. He looked at her and then asked, “What can I do for you, my child?”
“Father, I feel like such a failure,” she started, trying hard to keep the swelling tears from her eyes.
“Aren’t you Ursula’s sister? Anna Klausen?” He scrutinized her with his warm brown eyes.
“Yes, but…” She nodded and
then the words burst out of her, revealing everything that aggrieved her. “You see, everyone is doing something. But I’m a failure.”
“My child, there are many forms of resistance, and not everyone is cut out to be a hero.”
“But how come both of my sisters can be heroes, and I cannot?”
“This is where you are wrong,” Pfarrer Bernau said, smiling at her. “You have done a courageous thing in Ravensbrück.”
“But what should I do now?” Anna couldn’t hold back her tears.
“Look, God loves all his children, and he has given each of us different talents and abilities for a reason.” He handed her a handkerchief. “We each have an internal moral compass that we use to guide our decisions in this life. That compass is developed from the time we are small children and is rooted in our belief system. It is part of who we are, and when we try to go against it, we suffer. The important thing is to stay true to yourself despite the circumstances. Each of us has to look deep inside and find out what we really want.”
“I always thought I knew what I wanted, but I’m not so sure anymore…” she pressed out between sniffs.
“This is a question only you can answer.” He must have seen the despair in her eyes, because he folded his hands in his lap and added, “I do have one piece of advice for you – listen to your heart. Do what your heart tells you is morally right, whether it is the popular or safe thing to do or not. A person who can sleep at peace with himself, even behind bars, is happier than the person who is afraid to shut their eyes because they fear facing the nightmares caused by their own actions.”
The priest’s words caused peace to settle in Anna’s heart. “Thank you, Father, you’ve given me much to think about.”
“Go in peace. You’ll do the right thing, I’m sure of it.” He smiled and blessed her by making the sign of the cross on her forehead.
Anna spent the rest of the day thinking – and avoiding Peter. She didn’t need the additional strain to deal with her confusing emotions towards him.
***
When Professor Scherer stopped by her office the next morning, she knew exactly what she wanted. She’d spent the better part of the weekend rehearsing her words, and only hoped she could get it all out before losing her courage.
“Good morning, Professor Scherer,” she greeted him with a large smile.
“Good morning, Fräulein Klausen. You definitely made an impression at the Minister’s gathering.”
“Thank you.” She hesitated for a moment, unsure how to tackle the enormous weight pressing on her soul.
“I see you have already planned the direction the next round of experiments should take,” he said to her, scanning the scribbled notes on her notepad.
“About that…Professor Scherer…I am not comfortable doing experiments on live humans. Not until we have narrowed down what we think is a viable vaccine in the laboratory studies.”
“Fräulein Klausen…” The professor paused as if he was at a loss for words. He scratched his head and then looked at her, taking inventory of her. “That is unexpected.”
“I realize that’s not what you were expecting to hear, but it is how I feel,” she said, slowly building up the confidence to stand her ground.
“You are being overly sensitive.” He looked at her with sad puppy eyes, and in that moment, she wanted to slap the condescending expression from his face. “I’m afraid Professor Knaus was right, and I’m placing too much confidence in a woman. I thought you were of a different stamp. I truly thought you had the drive and ambition to become a successful scientist.”
“I do. I work harder than anyone else to succeed, but knowing people will be suffering because of my endeavors? That doesn’t sit well with me.”
The professor shook his head. “Not people. Sub-humans or prisoners, remember that.”
“They still feel pain and fear,” Anna argued, knowing she’d already lost the battle.
“Some things have to be done, whether you like them or not. Our work bids fair to save hundreds of thousands of upstanding members of society. Right now, the Eastern Front is breaking down, our military is retreating, and our research is needed now more than ever. Think of all the valiant soldiers protecting our frontiers from the evil Red Army. Don’t you think that a few suffering retards are worth it when we can enable thousands to return to embrace their wives and kiss their children?”
A shiver ran down Anna’s spine. Did the Greater Good really justify continuing to take actions that went against her values? And who got to decide which sacrifice was worth it? Who decided what was good and what was evil? She recalled Pfarrer Bernau’s words that each person had to decide for themselves. Anna was lost in her thoughts for so long, Professor Scherer took her silence as a sign that she wasn’t going to relent in her stance.
“Fräulein Klausen, you do realize that if you refuse to run these experiments you will lose your job? I’ve pulled many strings to push you forward in your career, had to battle the resistance from more conservative colleagues who thought a woman had no place in science.” He glanced at her and then used his last ace, saying, “I know you may have reservations about going forward with these experiments, but it’s time to put aside your personal feelings and act in the best interest of our Fatherland. And don’t forget your friend Alexandra who wants to become a Wehrmachtshelferin and for whom you asked me to write a recommendation.” The threat lingered in the air.
The icy hand of desperation grabbed her heart and threatened to crush it. Yesterday everything had seemed so easy. But today? Was fighting over a dozen mental cases worth ruining her career, and Lotte’s too? Wouldn’t she do more bad than good by impeding her sister from helping the war effort by possibly shortening the war and saving millions of lives on both sides? Her head spun until it ached.
With her, or without her, the experiments would be performed. Professor Scherer would simply find a less scrupulous person to take her place.
Anna took a steadying breath and then blinked several times. “Forgive me, Professor Scherer. Of course I will not refuse your wishes.”
He relaxed and smiled saying, “That’s quite alright, my dear. Let’s put this behind us and move forward, shall we?”
Anna nodded, her stomach in knots even as she did so. “Yes. I’ll give more thought to the experiments today.”
“Grand. I’ll stop by tomorrow to hear your thoughts.”
Anna watched him leave, and slumped on her chair, self-hatred churning in her stomach.
Chapter 24
After an exhausting day at work, Anna returned home, her entire being aching with guilt and shame. It was so wrong, and yet, Professor Scherer had once again convinced her to walk down that slippery path.
Emotionally drained and exhausted, all she wanted to do was sleep. And forget. But when she approached the apartment building, a huge man sat on the steps, jumping up when he saw her approach.
“Anna…please. Can we talk?” Peter begged her. “Please?”
She squinted her eyes at him, nodding. She was too tired to fight another battle today. Then she walked around him, needing her space, because she knew the moment he touched her she would sink bawling into his arms.
“Come in,” she said as she unlocked the door and set down her purse on the side table. Biting her lower lip, she turned to look at him. “What did you want to talk about?”
“Anna, can we sit down, please?” Peter held out his hand and waited until she joined him on the couch. “I’m so sorry you had to find out like this. Will you let me explain?”
She nodded but didn’t look at him. Peter sighed as if he expected as much and then began to talk.
“I was born in Poland.”
“That’s why,” she commented quietly.
“Both of my parents were healers, much to the dismay of my grandparents who had hoped my father would one day run their farm on the outskirts of the town. My siblings and I grew up speaking both Polish and German. At that time, it was normal for children of
Polish intellectuals to learn several languages. I also speak decent English and Russian. But I digress. When Hitler invaded, I was an officer in the Polish army. After the devastating defeat, my unit fled via Romania and Iran to Britain.”
“You did?” Anna couldn’t help but look at him. Fleeing thousands of miles across Europe seemed an impossible undertaking.
“It’s not something I’m especially proud of,” he said, nervously twisting hands. “But at that time it was the best thing to do. We wouldn’t be of much use for Poland in a prisoner-of-war camp…or as forced laborers in the Reich.” He gave a bitter laugh. “Many of my men died, but a majority reached Britain. Some joined the British Army, others decided to be repatriated and joined the Polish resistance, the Armia Krajowa or Home Army as you would call it.”
“And you? How did you end up here?” Anna asked despite her intention to remain silent.
“Me?” A soft smile quirked his lips and he took her hand. “At first I joined the British Army and asked to be put to service. I was part of the British Expeditionary Force in France – you know how well that worked out.” He rubbed his hand across his beard before he continued, “My men and I got evacuated from Dunkirk.”
“Oh,” was all Anna could say. She’d never understood why Hitler had allowed the English to evacuate their soldiers. Rumors had it that he’d wanted to show his goodwill and convince them to join forces with him. But those times had long passed…
“It was godawful. When I returned to England, the SOE recruited me to work for them and arranged for me to come into Germany.”
Without noticing it, Anna had inched closer to Peter, staring at his lips, soaking up every word he spoke. “That’s how you came to work for Professor Scherer?”
He reached out an arm and tucked her in by his side. “Someone on the inside made a suggestion, and since they had gained the trust of those in power, their suggestion was taken without question. It was the perfect position to have. The professor is socially active and as you’ve seen, the men pulling the strings of the war value his opinions so much, they openly discuss matters in his presence. As his security guard and driver, I attract no suspicion and can overhear these conversations.”
War Girl Anna (War Girls Book 3) Page 11
