by Candy Crum
“Thank you,” I whispered, a small smile on my face.
It was hard to feel happiness when everyone that you love is sad. Still, Jax made it easier. It took another half an hour for everyone to get settled and for the pastor to come to the front. Aiden never moved from his spot, and I found him to be a very honorable man. Certainly, a good friend to my cousin.
The entire morning was bittersweet. It sounds weird, I’m sure, but there was a lot of beauty to go along with the sadness. No one mentioned how he died. No one said that he was weak. He wasn’t. Everyone spoke of how beautiful he was as a person. They remembered him as a man that served family, friends, and country with the same determination. We were all heartbroken that he was gone, but we took solace in the fact that he was loved by so many. I just hoped that he was looking down and seeing what all of us saw.
When the pastor asked if anyone would like to say anything before we headed to the cemetery, Aiden turned and asked for permission. He stepped up to the podium, the first time any of us had seen him move from his spot. He gripped the edges of the podium as he gathered his thoughts.
“Sergeant Caleb Martin was one of the most amazing individuals that I ever had the pleasure of working with. I trusted him with my life, and he trusted me with his. When we were first put in the same unit, we had equal ranking, though I eventually got promoted. He bullied me every day for it. He said I sold out. Of course, I had to bully him back. So—I made him drop.” He smiled as he said the last sentence.
Everyone laughed, including Desi. She had a tissue and quietly wiped tears away from her face.
“I never married and never had kids. It wasn’t something that I saw myself doing. I had the military, and that was the only family that I needed. Martin… Sorry… Caleb, on the other hand, had the real deal. The military wasn’t his life. The only reason why he joined was because of this pretty little thing he couldn’t ever shut up about.”
Aiden’s eyes wandered over to Desi.
“I could probably tell you how many shiny blonde hairs were on her head, or how many gold flakes were in her green eyes. He was enamored with her, and all he wanted was to take care of her.”
Desi began to cry, but she was smiling. I could tell that it bothered her, but she seemed to want him to go on.
“Mrs. Martin,” he said. “I am deeply sorry for your loss, but I would be a terrible friend to him if I didn’t tell you exactly what that man thought of you. He’d probably haunt me forever. You were his everything. He wanted to give you a husband that you could be proud of. He wanted to give you babies. He wanted to give you everything that you ever hoped for. I’m sorry that it didn’t work out that way, but that doesn’t change just how much he loved you. When he got out, he and I would email one another. He'd talk about you, and I’d make fun of him for it.” He smiled again.
Desi laughed through her tears.
“We were brothers. Maybe not by blood, but that didn’t matter.”
He looked in our direction then.
“Because he was the only family I ever had, that makes all of you my family by proxy. I’m yours if you ever need me. Please, don’t hesitate. Thank you all for your time. I wish you the best. God Bless.”
Aiden stepped down and made his way back to his original place, standing guard. I wanted to speak, but I couldn’t. I knew if I got up there, I’d lose it. I decided to save my speech for later or possibly in prayer. I didn’t need to stand up in front of a hundred people to say what I needed to.
When everything was done, and all kind words were spoken, we took to our cars for the funeral. Aiden was at the head of the casket as one of the pallbearers. Tears fell down his stoic face as he carried alongside five other military men. Caleb was given a twenty-one-gun salute, and it was Aiden that delivered the folded flag to Desiree. She stood and hugged him, thanking him for his kind words. Once again, he reassured her and let her and Lana know that he would be there if they needed anything. It was his duty, he said.
I couldn’t have asked for a better goodbye for Caleb. He deserved to be remembered and respected. He was a good man, a good husband, and he would have been a great father. Hearing Aiden recount the way that Caleb had wanted to give Desiree children made me sad for them. She’d talked to me about it many times. They were good together. I was happy that Desi was strong. I hoped that she was just as strong as I believed her to be, so she could move on and one day have the family she’s always wanted and deserves.
Chapter Fifteen
Going home was bittersweet. I’d thought that about a lot of things over the few days prior. I was sad to leave my family, but I was glad to be getting back to my regular life. I craved stability and normalcy.
For days, every moment that I was alone with Jax I spent thinking about whether or not I should start that conversation. Desi and Lana both were adamant about it, but I was scared. It was still very soon. Luckily for me, I wouldn’t have to think about it for a while. Jax was nowhere near me, and I was stuck at work.
It was very busy, but the new nurse had started, and I was in charge of training her. She was highly intelligent, and I loved her style. She was very quick to catch on to how we got things done. Before the end of the night, Erin was moving in and out of rooms with no problem and had memorized where most of the things were. I liked her.
“How’re things going?” Andi asked.
She’d been on the floor above mine that night, so hadn’t been able to work with Erin.
“Great, actually,” I said. “She’s done amazing. I think that she will work out, as long as she likes it and doesn’t get scared off.”
“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that,” Andi said.
“Ooooh, yeah I do. I was tired of covering so many shifts, too,” I said.
“Speaking of getting scared off,” Andi said, her brow rising a bit.
“No,” I said. “Don’t. I’ve been so stressed about this. I haven’t even talked to him in two days.”
“Why?!” she asked. “Are you serious? You haven’t talked to him in two days? What are you so stressed about? You know he cares about you, too.”
“That’s not why,” I said. “Things got complicated. I threw myself at him right before I got the call that Caleb had died. Then we spent the whole weekend with him romancing my family and making himself look like the perfect future husband. He didn’t just make himself look that way. He is that. Everyone loved him. Hell, I think that I do, too. This is terrifying to me. I just fight myself, you know that. He’s a good man. His brother…”
“Told you not to pursue it, but that was weeks ago. Alex was worried about his brother. You can’t blame him. Have you talked to him since? Alex, I mean.”
“Only briefly,” I said. “Just when we were on our way back home.”
“Your shift is over. Go home. Call Jax. Have him come over. Talk to him. Please. Just talk to him about this, okay? I can’t stand seeing you miserable. Talk to him, or let it go completely, but stop fighting yourself about it. Just get it over with,” Andi said.
“So many short, pointed sentences,” I said. “How can I argue with that?”
“I’m serious, Elizabeth Martin,” she scolded.
“Oh, my. Both names.”
Andi narrowed her eyes at me.
“Okay! Fine!” I said. “I’ll talk to him, but not tonight. It’s late. He’s probably busy or exhausted. It’s the middle of the night, and I can’t keep his shifts straight. I promise that I’ll talk to him, though.”
Andi gave a triumphant smile, turning her nose up in the air before spinning around and walking off.
I shook my head before heading down the hallway to get my things. It was too late to talk to Jax that night, that much was true, but I didn’t want to at all. It wasn’t like I didn’t know that I was a little overly cautious. I knew that. What I hadn’t realized was that I was completely paranoid of having feelings and starting a new relationship with someone. Kevin was all I’d known. I’d dated through high school, but
Kevin was my one and only boyfriend. He was the person I’d lost my virginity to. Being that close to anyone else seemed strange to me.
I sighed in frustration as I exited the hospital. It had started to rain. I loved the rain, but I didn’t like driving in it at night. I stopped at the gas station and picked up a few things. I wanted cereal for breakfast – healthy, I know – and some water bottles. I needed to go to the grocery store, but working the weird hours that I was, I hadn’t been able to make it. That was just one more thing on the list of things to do that week when I finally had a chance. I’d have to mark that right alongside talking to Jax.
As I pulled onto my road, I saw someone sitting on my porch. It was the middle of the night and that more than freaked me out, so I approached with caution. Slowly, I pulled into the drive and saw Jax sitting there. The rain had soaked him from head to toe. I jumped out of my car, bag of groceries in hand, and I ran up to the house.
“What are you doing?” I asked. “It’s raining!”
“Well, it wasn’t when I got here,” he said.
“What? How long have you been here? Where’s your car?”
Jax wasn’t acting quite like himself.
“Alex dropped me off,” he said.
“Have you been drinking?” I asked.
He smiled, water dripping down his face. “A little.”
“Let’s go inside. The rain is freezing,” I said.
He didn’t protest as he followed me inside. I’d only barely closed the door and sat my bag down on the table when he grabbed me and pinned me against the wall, kissing me. I could taste only the faintest bit of Bourbon on his lips. It was sweet. The kiss was long and deep. I quickly found myself moaning against his lips.
“Jax,” I said between kisses. “What’s going on? Why were you sitting outside in the rain?”
“Not now,” he said. “Let’s not talk about it now.”
He tried to kiss me again, but I put my hand on his chest.
“Yes. Let’s talk about it now. Talk now, kiss after.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I got upset earlier, and I had a few drinks.”
“Is this normal for you?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I had two glasses of Bourbon. Here I am, acting like a jackass. Obviously, I’m not a heavy drinker.”
“That’s good to know,” I said. “Why did you get upset?”
“I saw him,” he said.
“Who?”
His eyes dropped as he stared at the floor, his hands resting on the wall to either side of my head.
“I saw him. That bastard ex of yours. He had some other girl with him. I saw him and immediately thought about you. I thought of the things that he said to you. About how he treated you. Then I thought about Becky. About all the things that she did to me. I’m a good guy. I pride myself on it. I try my best to be a good man, and she was so cold to me. He was so cold to you, and you’re a goddess. Then I thought about how we just spent three days together. Three days, Elizabeth. When Andi texted me and told me that you were getting off work at midnight, I made Alex drive me over.”
He looked up at me then.
“I’m not exactly sure what you’re trying to say,” I said. “Do you regret it?”
“Yes,” he said flatly.
“What?” I asked, my heart falling.
“I do. I regret it. I regret seeing you like that. Seeing your capacity for patience. For love. I regret seeing your level of strength in a hard time. I regret that I loved the quiet moments when you would show your weakness, but only to me. I’m sorry that I loved being the one that you turned to. Those moments when you’d rest your head on my chest and let me hold you… I loved them. I thought…”
He paused. I waited for a few moments for him to say something, anything, but he was quiet.
“You thought what?” I asked finally.
“When I decided to give Becky another chance, it was only because Alex told me to stay away from you. He told me that I needed to give you time. He said…”
“That if we got together that we’d risk hurting one another because we weren’t ready,” I finished.
“Yes!” he said, relief on his face. “How did you know?”
“Because he told me the same thing about you,” I said. “He wasn’t trying to start trouble. He was genuinely worried about both of us.”
“I know that,” he said. “But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to bring you flowers at work. Becky wouldn’t leave me alone, so I finally gave in. I didn’t realize how badly I messed up until you told me that you would give that asshole another chance. Then seeing the two of you together… It killed me.”
“Do you think it was easy for me to see you with her?” I asked, pushing him away from me. “I was so mad at you when Alex told me that you’d started talking to her again. I couldn’t believe it.”
He ran his fingers through his hair as he paced in small, slow circles.
“If you were so angry, then why the hell are we not together? Why are we still playing this stupid game? I can be your friend, Elizabeth. I can be the best damn friend that you’ve ever had, and I will always respect that. But I have no idea what you want, and all I can do is think about you telling me that you want me. Telling me that you want to be with me, and it’s driving me insane. You’ve given me no other reason to believe that you want anything less.”
“I’m scared,” I said.
“So am I,” he replied.
One of his hands came to rest on the side of my face.
“I am terrified, but we can’t let bad people control us. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you would never hurt me. I can see it in everything you do. Every single time I’m around you. What do you see in me?” he asked.
My breaths were coming heavy. I hadn’t even noticed until that moment.
“I trust you,” I said. “My whole family trusted you. I’ve never met anyone like you either.”
He nodded once. “Good.”
Once again, I found myself pinned to the wall, Jax kissing me with an intense passion I’d never felt before. His clothes were soaked, and his skin was chilled. I pulled at his shirt, and he quickly removed it, the wet fabric landing with a wet slop on the floor. He came at me again, and I pushed him back, my breathing heavy and my body aching for him.
“I think we need to get you out of those wet clothes,” I said, a devious smile on my face.
He smiled as well. He said nothing as I grabbed his hand and led him to my bedroom. He was right. I wasn’t going to allow Kevin to control me any longer. I had nothing to be afraid of, and I was excited for the first time in a long time. I couldn’t wait to see the look on Andi’s face when I told her thank you for being a psycho that day and bringing him into my life.
