by D. C. Gambel
“The reason I wanted to tell you is they’re sending someone to clear out his office tomorrow. I don’t know what will happen to his things, but I thought maybe you’d rather clear it out yourself, that way nothing important is lost.”
I thought about going there. Part of me didn’t want to. I had just as many ghost waiting to haunt me there as I did at our apartment, but the other part couldn’t let them pack up his things and put them in storage or God knows where. They hoped he’d return and would put his office back in order, but I knew that if they packed his office up, I’d never see any of it again, not even when I was ready.
“Alright. Should I come in tomorrow?” Since they were packing up then, I figured it was the logical choice.
She hesitated. “No. It needs to be today.” I didn’t know why she made a point to stress that it had to be today, but I didn’t argue. “I’m sorry if it’s inconvenient, but the movers won’t wait while you sort through things. They’re paid to get in and out as quickly as possible.”
“Okay. I’ll be there in about an hour.” I hung up without waiting for her response.
“Are you really going?”
Startled, I looked up at Sebastian. I had been so involved in my conversation that I had forgotten he was there and that he could hear both sides of the conversation. It meant I didn’t have to explain the call though.
“Yes, I can’t let them pack up his things. I’d never see any of them again.”
Sebastian sighed. “Well, come on then.”
“What?”
“I’m going with you.”
The idea of having Sebastian there made my stomach churn. That was Grayson’s zone. It needed to stay Sebastian free.
“Thank you, but I need to do this on my own.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind and if this is about the article…”
“It’s not. I just need to do this.”
He studied me for a moment, but agreed. “Alright, but you call me if you need me.”
I stood outside Alexander Holding Incorporated. I stared up at the building much like I had the first time I’d seen it and was just as nervous this time as I had been then. Only this time I was nervous for an entirely different reason. I told myself I could keep it together, but it was a struggle.
I rode the elevator up. My heart raced as the doors opened revealing the familiar floor. I stood there so long willing myself to step forward that the doors started to close. I slid my hand between the doors stopping them. Taking a deep breath, I stepped off the elevator. My mind emptied and instinct took over as I cruised along on autopilot until I found myself in front of Betty’s desk.
“Gaby?” her voice jolted me back to the here and now.
I turned my gaze to her. “Hi Betty,” I smiled. It quickly turned into a frown when I saw the newspaper sitting on the corner of her desk. Her eyes followed mine and she blushed. I knew she’d seen the article.
“I know it’s not my place,” she began and I prepared myself for the assault that I knew was coming. “It’s not really anyone else’s business how you try to deal with your pain.” My eyes widened and I raised my brow not sure if I heard her correctly, but to also hold back the tears I felt forming. “Anyone who saw you two together knew that you loved one another. I’m sorry that you have to go through this.” I blinked and tears streamed down my face. I was so sure that she was going to tell me what a horrible person I was, that I was nothing but a gold digger. That was what I deserved. I was trying to bury my grief by being around Sebastian, but instead she showed my kindness.
She gave me a gentle smile, which I returned, and then she held her arm out gesturing to the door.
The first thing I noticed was the smell. Grayson’s scent filled the air. Even after him being gone for as long as he had been, it smelt like he had left only moments go. Everything looked the same. I walked over to the desk and let my fingers glide across the wood. Memories of him laying me out on top of it floated into my mind. I rolled my lips and looked away. I opened the door that led to the bathroom and flicked on the lights. It was clean, but smelt of Grayson’s body wash. I saw the familiar bottle resting on the shelf. I grabbed it and inhaled the fragrance. Too many good memories were tied to that scent. I threw it against the wall where it bounced off and landed on the floor.
I slumped to the floor as I started crying. This was too hard. I sat there for a few minutes trying to regain whatever semblance of calm I had.
I grabbed a box that was resting in the corner. It was one of those that unfolded and needed no tape. I grabbed things on his desk. A picture of us together at his hotel opening. A coffee mug. I saw a pen that I had given him at Christmas with his initials engraved on it and placed it in the box. Throughout the room, anything personal, I grabbed, including his workout clothes that were hanging in the bathroom.
When I was done, everything that was Grayson had fit into one box. I placed the lid on it and stood there with my eyes closed, letting the tears stream down my face. It was surreal standing there without him, especially when his presence was everywhere.
I startled when the door was suddenly slammed open. I spun to see who was there as I wiped the tears from my face.
“What are you doing here?” Chloe asked snidely.
I ignored her attitude and reached for the box I’d just packed. “Packing.” I lifted the box and headed to the door.
“You don’t have any right to do that,” she spat. “The movers are coming in tomorrow.”
I halted mid-step, turning only my head to face her. “These are my fiancé’s belongings, not the company’s, which also belongs to my fiancé. So I have every right to do this.” I moved past her.
“After seeing the paper this morning, it doesn’t look like he’s your fiancé anymore. So perhaps you should leave it and let the company handle it.” There it was, the judgment I knew people held towards me, but instead of feeling guilty, I felt anger.
I moved towards Chloe so unnaturally fast that she took a step back upon my approach. I felt my eyes flare and was unsure if they were their normal blue or honey green. “Listen Chloe, if you try to prevent me from taking this box, I will end you. You may think that you know Grayson because you all had sex, but you don’t. I know him. I feel his loss like no one else can. So I suggest you back off and let me handle my fiancé’s effects the way I see fit.”
I didn’t wait for her to respond; I turned and walked casually towards the door.
When I got back to Shawn’s apartment, I felt exhausted. I was emotionally drained. After I left Grayson’s office, I headed over to our apartment to drop off his belongings. I wasn’t ready to deal with them. Keeping everything of his together in one place seemed like the wisest choice. I threw my things down on Shawn’s couch before deciding to head to my room and lie down. I needed rest after everything.
I laid there for only a minute before I heard the door creak. I took a deep breath as I felt the familiar pull.
“I thought you might need me,” he said as he remained in the doorway. I felt the tears that had been in my eyes all day start to flow. I rolled over until I faced him. He looked unsure what to do, so I tossed back the covers. He gave me a weak smile before shuffling out of his shoes and his leather coat, laying it on the foot of the bed. Sebastian crawled into bed and I immediately wrapped myself around him. He pulled me tightly against him, cradling my head to his chest. His other hand rubbed gentle circles on my back. It was comforting, but wasn’t the comforting I wanted. In that moment, I wished he was Grayson.
“I miss him, so much,” I cried, my tears soaking his shirt.
“Shh… I know you do,” he whispered then placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, I was standing in the dirty cell looking down at Grayson.
“Gaby,” his voice was mingled with concern. “Have you been crying?”
I nodded. “Your work called and I had to go clean out your office.”
; “Ah,” he said with a raise of his brow. “So the interim guy needs a place, huh? I’m surprised they waited this long.”
He looked worse. His face was shrunken and his clothes were tattered. I didn’t understand why my mind had to be so cruel. He should be looking amazing. Washed, cleaned and smelling amazing; maybe even dressed in one of his suits or better yet jeans and a t-shirt, and I should definitely be allowed to touch him.
I looked at the spot next to him on the dirty floor, the spot he normally asked me to sit; only I couldn’t bring myself to take it.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I really need you to hold me,” I cried.
“Baby,” he sighed. I could see my words were hurting him because there was nothing he could do to make it better.
“Just try? I know it won’t work but maybe I’ll be able to feel you like I do when I sit next to you.
He opened his legs and I took the spot between them. I let my head hover just above his chest and I could feel his warmth. He wrapped his arms around me and just let them hover. I sighed. It wasn’t want I wanted, but it was better than nothing.
“You’re not dealing with this alone, are you?”
I shook my head. “No, I have…people.”
“You mean Sebastian,” I could hear the hint of hostility in his voice.
“Can we not talk about him?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” he sighed then kissed the top of my head. I shot up and looked at him with wide eyes. “What?” he asked.
“You just kissed me.”
His eyes narrowed then they widened when he caught up to me. “I kissed you and you felt it?”
I placed my hand not at all gentle on his chest and he was solidified. I looked into his eyes and I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Grayson wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight against his chest, but I wanted to be closer. I crawled into his lap, straddling him. Threading my fingers into his hair, I kissed him with all the force I could muster. His fingers dug into my hips, gripping me tighter. It felt so real.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he whispered against my lips. I wanted him to take me there. I didn’t care that he was dirty or that I’d probably catch hepatitis from the floor. I missed him, but I knew it wasn’t real no matter how right it felt. I pulled back and rested my head against his. His eyes were flaring honey green.
“I miss you too.”
“It’s not enough though, these little moments that we can’t control.”
“No,” it wasn’t.
He cupped my face and stared into my blue eyes. I watched as his eyes stared at my neck with growing hunger. Even if it was a dream, I didn’t want him to go wanting.
“Go ahead, while you can.” He looked at me for confirmation. I nodded. In less than a second Grayson was latched on to me. I felt the familiar pinch then the euphoria that spread. He drank from me until I started feeling less of him. He pulled back and his gaze dropped. I followed to see what he saw. I was fading, which meant I was waking up. “You have no idea how much I needed that.”
I looked at him and he looked better already. “I love you Grayson.”
“I love you too and I don’t want you miserable, but please give me time.”
“What do you mean?”
I woke in a dark room and groaned realizing that Grayson had been cut off. I recognized that it was the room I used at Shawn’s and the sun had set. I looked at the clock that read it was just after midnight. I sat up and realized I was straddling Sebastian.
“I’m sorry I woke you, but I didn’t think that if you were awake that you’d…” he gestured to the position I was in. Did I crawl onto Sebastian because that’s how I was with Grayson? What else had happened?
“Did I, uh, trying anything else?”
He shook his head, “Not really. You kissed me.”
I could feel how his body had responded to the situation and was grateful he woke me. His hands were on the back of my thighs and after a moment he shifted me off of him before sitting on the edge of the bed. I listened as he took a deep breath.
I wondered why I was able to feel Grayson this time and hadn’t in the past. Was it because my brain solidified him since my body had another for reference? I touched Sebastian and felt Grayson? What would have happened if I had pushed it further? Would Sebastian have woken me sooner? Would he have even realized I was asleep? I’d be lying if I said I had never thought about sex with Sebastian, but doing it and not being aware, was not the way I pictured it.
I wasn’t sure how accurate my hypothesis was since I had slept next to Shawn before, but still hadn’t felt Grayson. I didn’t know why this time was different.
“Do you dream about him often?”
“Not as much as I’d like,” I didn’t want to ask if he was aware. What if it was just a general question?
“You called out his name again,” he looked at me over his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be. I’m not mad.” He saw my brow furrow. “I’m not. Disappointed, yes, but you’re still grieving and I understand that.”
“I may never be done.” His eyes knitted then shifted down, like the idea hadn’t occurred to him. “I might always grieve for him. He was my first love.”
After a long moment, he nodded then stood and grabbed his coat and shoes.
“Sebastian,” I sighed, “don’t leave because you’re upset.”
“That’s not why.” He ran his fingers through his hair clearly frazzled. “I was here tonight because I thought you needed me after the day you had.”
“And I did.”
“And now you’re composed. So unless you still need me I’m sure Damien does. It is after dark.”
I let my eyes drop to the carpet. I wanted to tell him to stay. To curl up next to him in his arms while I slept, but I knew I was using him. I wanted Grayson and we both knew it.
“Thank you for being here for me today.”
Seeing that I was upset, he crossed the distance between us. Cupping my chin, he tilted it up until my eyes fell on his face. “Always.” He leaned in and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.
Still feeling drained, I made my way to the kitchen after Sebastian left. I opened the fridge and grabbed some blood bags. I heated two of them up. After I was finished, I stood there still feeling hungry. Normally one bag was enough, but not tonight. I told myself that it was the exhaustion from the day, so I heated another two.
Once I was finished, I made my way to the bathroom deciding on a shower before I headed back to bed. I did a double take as I passed the mirror. There on my neck was dried blood. Had Sebastian bitten me while I slept and my mind let me think it was Grayson?
I made a note to ask him about that later.
CHAPTER FIVE
“He won’t have sex with you?” Shawn said it like it was an announcement to the whole restaurant.
“Shawn!” Clive sternly stated.
We were having lunch together. It had been a few days since I’d seen Sebastian, not since the night that I dreamt of Grayson while Sebastian was in my bed.
The waitress looked over at us with an amused grin. She’d clearly heard him.
“I’m not even sure how to answer that.”
“Gaby, I know you haven’t been a part of the dating world for a while and even then you’ve only ever been involved with one person, but you two were in bed together. You were on top of him and he just rolls you off and leaves?”
“Shawn, maybe you should leave her alone,” Clive suggested.
“No, she needs to understand that that is not normal male behavior. Tell her?”
I looked at Clive and his nervous expression confirmed what Shawn was saying.
“It’s not like that. For one, I’m not even sure if I want to have sex with him.”
“Want and need are two totally different things. You need to have sex. You’re going to combust soon. And trust me, as someone who’s around you, you want sex too.”
It had taken a lot of convincing, but Shawn had agreed to me using my influence on Clive. Trying to keep up with what was safe conversation and what wasn’t was exhausting. So when Clive was with us, he was aware of the current situation, not that we were supernaturals, but that Grayson was dead and no one knew. Clive was also influenced to not tell a soul about that even if somehow there was a hole in the influenced wall.
“Or the fact that you dream about him?”
“Maybe,” I sighed. “Sebastian wants for me not to regret anything if it happens and until then he’s being a gentleman.”
“Except for that nasty business in the alley.”
“What nasty business?” Clive asked anxiously.
“Nothing!” My reaction just made him want to know more.
“Oh nothing, just that Sebastian and Gaby were fooling around and she called out Grayson’s name.”
“Shawn!” I shouted.
Clive hissed like he was in pain. “Yeah, I wouldn’t want to have sex with you either after that.”
“What?”
“Gaby, you probably hurt his pride and he’s worried about it happening again, but in the throws. Yeah, maybe he’s doing it for the reasons he said, but I’d bet money that those aren’t the only reasons,” Shawn explained.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not ready. Hell, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be.”
“Baby girl, maybe it’s just all the bed hopping I’ve done before this one,” Shawn gestured to Clive, “but I can tell you that the first time you’ll never be ready, but after that it gets better.”
“No offense, Shawn, but did you ever have a boyfriend die?”
“Yeah, when I was sixteen and like you, he was my first. Why do you think I fucked around all these years? I didn’t want to commit to anyone because I didn’t want to be hurt like that again.”
“How did I not know this?”
“It’s not something I talk about.”
