by Serena Rose
“Oh, you poor, naïve girl,” Sally tsked.
“I’m not that naïve, Sal,” Kelsey replied laughing, as she got out of the shop. She had time, she figured, so she had a leisurely stroll around the campus, glad that she didn’t have Saturday class at all. She wondered what they were going to do today. A month of serious dating had to merit something more, right? She didn’t want to tell him she loved him, not yet. Was it a matter of pride that she wanted to be loved by him as well?
She didn’t want to be the clingy girlfriend, she had told herself once that she would never be that type of person, one who would lose all sense of independence because of too much dependence on a loved one. It was just- she found herself happier with him, she could be herself with him. He was still controlled, but his liveliness had begun to show, his sense of humanity was finally surfacing.
It wasn’t that she cracked the code to William Anthony Drake VI, but she felt that he felt the same way. He was finally opening up, saying things he’d probably never said to anyone. He didn’t tell her she loved her, but she found that it didn’t matter. What mattered was the moments they spent together, the now.
Shaking her head, she found herself smiling alone, looking like a crazy person to say the least. So, this was how it felt like? It wasn’t just the sex; the sex was on a whole new level, even if he was her first partner. There was this indescribable feeling of them being together, of him inside of her, that heat was just something she wanted to be enveloped in, again and again, and again.
“You’re looking happy today,” a voice interrupted her reverie. She looked sideways and saw William standing there, wearing a plain white buttoned-down shirt with a hoodie over it, slim fit jeans, and black sneakers. He looked every bit a collegiate student today.
“You’re early. I was enjoying my walk,” she said.
“Thinking about what?”
“Things,” she said, not wanting to elaborate.
“These are things I need not know?” he said, his brow cocking up.
She smiled. “Yes. I’d like some mystery between us.”
He didn’t laugh, nor did he smile. Did something bad happen? “Where do you want to talk?”
“Here is fine. We can walk around.”
They headed for one of the college’s many parks, surprisingly devoid of people at five in the afternoon. “Alright, what’s going on?” she asked him, imagining something worse than the usual, like how he had to go away to England or something.
“Not much,” he responded, sounding evasive. He hadn’t sounded this uncomfortable before.
“You can say it you know,” she said, not looking at him. Instead, she found herself looking at the rays of the sun on the stream a few feet from her, the water looking crystalline under the light. Birds twittered everywhere, as if bidding farewell to a lovely day.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
And there he said it, and she was surprised at how calm she acted, like he hadn’t said anything hurtful at all. Should I even be remotely hurt? It’s only been a month of dating, she told herself, nothing to it. People broke up all the time, even relationships that were 20 years or more ended up in the dump…
She found herself staring at the water as it bubbled its way down further, and she wondered how it had come to this. Maybe she wasn’t meant to love after all. She couldn’t find it in her heart to blame him, and she didn’t want to blame herself either. Things like this just happened.
Kelsey nodded, wanting to say something, but found she couldn’t say anything. She certainly wasn’t going to beg for him to stay, she certainly didn’t want to ask why. Could she? She was ignorant at this, a newbie all over again. What was it they said? Experience made the best teacher? What was this trying to teach her now? Don’t sleep with the first guy you find attractive?
“Aren’t you going to say anything else?” he said after prolonged silence.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Something, anything,” he insisted.
“Why?” she mustered. “Why do you think we shouldn’t see each other anymore?”
“Because we’re not compatible,” he replied, taking a breath. “You won’t be happy with me-”
“And I won’t be happy with you?” she finished for him. “I’m already happy with you, I don’t know why you aren’t. Maybe you’re hard to please, or you don’t want to be too happy.”
“That is correct.”
“Why?”
“Things like these… they’re not permanent.”
Kelsey looked up at the pinkish-orange skies. “Yes, nothing’s permanent, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t be happy for ourselves.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“No, you won’t understand the situation I’m in. I’m different.”
“Everyone’s different, yet everyone’s the same,” she replied, feeling her temper rise. She no longer felt the need for calm. She was being sarcastic, and she wanted him to know it.
“No, I’m different, you have no idea how different I am.”
“Oh, what? Some big deal family secret? A matter of life and death?” she rolled her eyes.
“Yes, and yes.”
Kelsey shook her head. “Well, you get what you want. I’m not going to fight for something you’re not willing to fight.”
She wanted to kick herself for saying something like that. Of course, things were worth fighting for, emotions were mostly worth fighting for, this was supposedly something she’d have fought for, but for some odd reason, she saw defeat already, she saw he had given up on their relationship, when it had only just picked up.
There was a strange calm on his face, the finality of it made her end if herself. There was no need for him to explain himself further. No matter how lame the reason, he wanted out. Of course, she wouldn’t make things hard for him. She wasn’t a cruel person, she wasn’t like him. This was bad, she felt word vomit on the tip of her tongue, and she wanted to lash out and be spiteful, and do something she had never done her whole life…
Yet, she didn’t. “Goodbye, Will,” she finally said, and she walked away from him, her head held high, and her heart murmuring that she needed to cry.
*
It was only right that it happen, William told himself later on as he walked a solitary walk back to where he parked his car. He wanted to feel rage, at least, but he only felt helplessness, and that made him feel even more vulnerable.
He was rationalizing the situation, that was why he was calm- wasn’t that the reason why he didn’t burn the college to the ground? Wasn’t that why he didn’t show her who he truly was, in the fading daylight? He heard her voice buckle, and he knew she was trying to be strong for herself. It was her human pride talking. He hadn’t seen it happen in all the relationships he’d ever had. They usually cried; but she didn’t. It took a great amount of self-control for her, and it took a great amount of self-control for him to disassociate himself from her. This was going to be easy, wasn’t it? Just like before, Will, just like before.
Goodbye, Will.
The way she had said it. It hurt him, and he didn’t know why it did. Had he grown so attached to her in just a mere month and a half? I’m an idiot for even prolonging it, this is the human side of me talking. He drove for home later on, deciding to stop somewhere within the manor, where the cliffs were. He stood there, watching the waves crash into the rocks, as the moonlight illuminated the bay.
He could suddenly smell death, and it would have been hers, had he not broken things off. You don’t kill people you love, at least not on purpose. His father had risked it, risked to marry, risked to love, and so Tony had killed his mother on purpose. Tony had known what was going to happen, the loss had been calculated back then. Was it just to have him? Someone needed to carry on the family name, someone needed to handle the years of accumulated wealth. He certainly didn’t want to develop further emotions for Kelsey. It would be cruel, unfair, a
nd she would have no say in it. His father was right, and in his right senses at that time. His sister’s happiness for him would have to wait.
William couldn’t find it in himself to just date any woman, get her pregnant, and hopefully have a male heir, only to have her die in the end, if he wouldn’t end up loving her. Taking off his shoes and hoodie, he found himself at the edge of the precipice, the sea spray playing against his skin- and then he jumped into the frigid waters that were far more welcoming than reality.
CHAPTER TEN
Two months later
She was shivering, shaking, as she forced herself to stand up. She felt herself wretch once more. No, no, I can’t be sick, not now, she thought. It was only eight in the morning, and she had already thrown up twice, even if the shop hadn’t opened yet. It was a good thing she was alone, or so she thought.
“Honey, are you okay?” Sally said, her arms folded over her chest.
Kelsey looked up to see Sally at the doorway of the staff toilet. “I must’ve eaten something bad,” she murmured, half-crawling for the sink to wash her face and gargle water.
“That seedy place by Gershwin Street?”
Kelsey shook her head weakly. “I cooked at home.”
“Then it must’ve been hell of a dish,” Sally said, passing her some tissue.
“Thanks, Sal.”
“Why don’t you go home first?” Sally told her.
“I can’t! You’ll be alone for the day,” Kelsey protested, knowing the other working student was unavailable for the rest of the morning and afternoon.
“I can manage. It’s midterms, remember?”
Kelsey looked outside the shop window to see a thin blanket of snow covering the grounds. It had been two months since she hadn’t seen him, two months since they both decided to end it. She managed fine, choosing to work instead of mope, and study some more instead of wallow in self-pity. How do you heal a broken heart? You don’t, she had told herself, you just keep distracted, until the feeling goes away.
“You sure?” Kelsey said, looking at Sally, torn between her duty, and the wretchedness that she was feeling at the moment.
“Yes, I’m sure. Go home, get some rest.”
Kelsey followed Sally’s directives, and as she opened the door to exit the shop, Sally’s voice rang out once more.
“What was that, Sal?”
“Get a pregnancy test,” Sally added, looking at her carefully.
Kelsey frowned at the door. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
But what Sally said had bothered her. Get a pregnancy test? Why the heck would I need a pregnancy test? I don’t even have regular periods, she thought, passing by a convenience store. She was a good thirty feet past the store, when she stopped and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. It was the nagging thought now, and she found herself walking back to the convenience store.
Gingerly she stepped closer to the counter, and found a lone, senior aged woman behind it, reading a newspaper.
“Can I help you?” the woman asked.
“I’d like a pregnancy kit, please,” Kelsey said, unable to believe she had said those words.
The woman eyed her for a second, and then passed a kit to her. Kelsey gave exact change, avoiding eye contact. So, what? People got pregnancy kits every day, right? Did she have the words ‘fallen woman’ marked on her forehead, anyway? Kelsey quickly pocketed it in her bag, and then she went her way. Her strides were hurried this time, and she was adamant to get home before six in the afternoon.
To do what? Make lunch? Take her pregnancy test? Study? Her priorities suddenly felt jumbled up, and she found herself curling up in bed, defeated by the exhaustion that suddenly overcame her. I can’t be pregnant, she told herself, looking at the kit on her nightstand. She defied the urge to take the test at that moment. I’m not pregnant, I know I’m not, she repeated, standing up to make herself a quick snack. A peanut butter sandwich would do for now, but a few minutes after she ate her sandwich, she found herself running for the toilet to puke once more.
Oh no, she thought, weakly walking for her bed. She crawled under the sheets, and she found herself drifting off into an uneasy sleep.
She was running through a maze, caught between dark hedges and the things slithering in between the foliage. She found herself stumbling, caught between the creeping vines, vines that crawled their way up to her ankles, like snakes. She gasped, wriggled herself free in desperation, and she ran, further, deeper into wherever this hell was.
Someone called out her name, and she wildly looked around, wondering where it had come from. The cold manifested on her, and frost began to form on her skin.
“Who’s there?” she cried out.
“Kelsey!” someone shouted again, a disembodied voice wafting in the cold darkness.
“Please, help me get out of here!” she shouted. “Please! I don’t know where I am-” and she stopped reaching the middle of the maze, surrounded by a thick cloud of smoke, smoke that was acrid, invading her nostrils. She was gasping, not sure of what she was looking at.
“You’re in hell,” the air whispered again and again, “you’re in hell.”
Kelsey saw a figure in the smoke, and she took a step forward, to reach out to that person. She held her hand out, for that person to take it, and she felt a hand grasp hers, a hand that felt like it had been sitting in boiling water, and she recoiled from the person’s touch, her hand burning.
William came out from the smoke. “Why don’t you take my hand, Kells?”
She screamed.
She was sweating, even if she knew it was cold, it was past one in the afternoon, and she touched her bedsheets, just to make sure she was awake, to make sure she was no longer in a nightmare. The sheets were cold, a welcome touch. She checked to see if her hand was okay. It was a dream, Kelsey, she told herself; it was just a bad dream. Her palm felt sore, from where William had supposedly touched her. She clenched her fist and opened it again, definitely feeling like she had experienced a first-degree burn.
She sat up in bed, wondering why she dreamt of something like that, and she wonder what it meant, and if William was alright. Dreams were prophetic at times, she remembered her father saying, a blend of eastern and western beliefs. How prophetic was it that William be surrounded by fire? And how she desperately had wanted to escape?
Dreams are just dreams, Kelsey; your nightmares have never become reality, ever. She had missed lunch, she thought, wondering if she was going to keep her food in, this time. Kelsey stood up, pausing to look at box that contained the answer to her fertility issue. Biting her lower lip, she grabbed it, and took it to the bathroom.
Her hands were shaking, and she found it difficult to remain calm. Despite telling herself that there was no way in hell that she was pregnant, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was the tiniest percentage that she could be…
Two faint lines appeared. She bit her lower lip, almost forgetting how to breathe. This can’t be happening, she thought. She threw the kit into the trash, panic setting in. No, something was wrong with the test, it was too light, and the lines were too light- she needed another one. Grabbing her bag, she walked for the nearest pharmacy, her mind exploding with questions, denials- everything that came with an unwanted pregnancy. This was unwanted if it turned out positive, right? She didn’t have the income to raise a child, she was on a scholarship, dedicated to the next three years of her life.
Kelsey found herself drinking a liter of water in one sitting, just so she could pee. Round 2, she told herself, willing for it to come out as negative. The lines weren’t pronounced earlier, so if it ended the same, she’d count it as a negative… at least that was the plan.
She exhaled deeply, holding the test up. Oh god. The lines had become clearer, pinker- obvious. Her heart sank, and her hands shook once more. No, no, no. What was she going to do now? Call William? She realized she hadn’t looked into his number in a while. Her finger stopped scrolling as she stared at his
number. It had taken all of her willpower to not even call him during the first lonely days that they had broken up. Yes, it was a matter of pride. He had to know, right? Her breath was caught up in her throat. She put her phone down, knowing she would be doing this alone. A person of his stature could afford to take care of a child with all the best the world could offer, but he wouldn’t be a good father to this baby.
Oh god, she was now calling it baby? It wasn’t just a thing growing in her. Had she accepted it? She had accepted it, she knew deep down in her that she had. She was going to raise this child alone, as best as she could.
Kelsey found herself crying alone, crying in silence, willing herself to be strong.
*
When it rises up, the mighty are terrified; they retreat before its thrashing.
The sword that reaches it has no effect, nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.
Iron it treats like straw and bronze like rotten wood.
Arrows do not make it flee; slingstones are like chaff to it.
A club seems to it but a piece of straw; it laughs at the rattling of the lance.
Its undersides are jagged potsherds, leaving a trail in the mud like a threshing sledge.
It makes the depths churn like a boiling caldron and stirs up the sea like a pot of ointment.
It leaves a glistening wake behind it; one would think the deep had white hair.
Nothing on earth is its equal--a creature without fear.
He closed the book shut, just as the rain began to pour from the dark skies. It was not yet three in the afternoon. He hadn’t been such a good student lately, skipping class most of the time, not caring if missives were being sent by the office of the chancellor for his absences and constant tardiness. How long had it been since he stopped dating? This was always the case, wasn’t it? He’d become a recluse after a breakup. It didn’t seem fair to her, that she saw him every day, even if he didn’t need to be there.
William didn’t see the cause to even remotely make her feel uncomfortable. It took the entirety of his human willpower to stop himself from calling or texting her at all costs. That had certainly been difficult, and yet, it didn’t stop him from thinking about her, and today was one of those days. He wondered what she was doing. He had dreamt of something disturbing lately, the nightmares had come back. He had dreamt he held onto her hand, and that he burned her, and he didn’t want to let go of her, despite her cries of pain.
