by Z. Allora
“Me!” She laughed.
He stared at her and drew a blank. Had he ever spoken to her? “Um, yes, how do you spell—”
“K-I-M.” She bounced in place.
He wrote: “To Kim, it’s always a pleasure to see you in the audience. May you always hear the music.” He drew a heart and signed TD.
She squealed and gave him a quick hug.
The rest of the guys waited at the top of the stairs for him.
Instead of letting them escape, Tian Di stepped forward. He put on his stage persona and smiled shyly at the crowd. “Thank you so much. We’re going to give everything we’ve got today because we love you.”
The crowd roared back.
The band followed his lead and waved before they slipped inside.
AFTER A couple of hours of primping, Made in China stood in the wings offstage.
Symmetry, the band they were competing against, brushed past Made in China. A couple of the members made eye contact with Tian Di. He wished they hadn’t. Their sympathy and pity did nothing but irk him.
Hell, Tian Di understood the game, both this one and the music industry, and he willingly opted to participate. He’d signed up and entered this spectacle with open eyes. The only difference between Made in China and Symmetry was… Symmetry had played the game a bit longer.
Symmetry zoomed to the top of South Korea’s boy bands in part due to their sweet melody but mostly due to their good looks. They were no strangers to mastering the many games a band needed to play to survive. Their members represented most of the stereotypes: two bad boys, two shy guys, two pranksters, and two talented singers. Symmetry could be exchanged for any of the other large boy bands that raced into the hearts of their young fans.
Tian Di pushed away how close stardom came to irrelevance and focused on the cameras swirling around, unseen by the audience.
The crowd screamed for each and every one of the eight members of Symmetry as they were introduced.
Tian Di’s Korean language skills might be minimal, but judging by the laughter of the studio audience, the MC of the show made yet another joke at Made in China’s expense. The translator in his earpiece didn’t bother to translate the tease. Maybe it was a good decision, considering the tenseness of his bandmates.
The big screens around the theater translated into Chinese for the locals and English for the expatriates living in Suzhou. Not as many expats as in Hong Kong, but definitely a large population settled in Suzhou due to some major European companies. Western ideas and values hammering against some of the Chinese traditions helped reinforce that Tian Di’s own beliefs were not insane.
Sebe, the band’s teenaged would-be manager, started his pep talk. “Remember you’re not going to win the competition. Your prize is the opportunity to be memorable. Get people talking about Made in China.”
Styx groaned.
Indigo jumped in, “We do need to do some sucking and blowing—”
Idiot. Tian Di continued the explanation, “We play the game, do two songs, and then Symmetry will play some music. No problem.”
Sebe used a lint roller to remove the specks of dust on their black T-shirts and jeans.
Styx stared at Jin and then at Tian Di. “They really do want us to play that game?”
Poor guy must have been hoping for a last-minute reprieve. Tian Di shrugged. “The fan service buys us two songs in front of a huge audience. Just accidentally drop a card or two and do mouth to mouth on Jin.”
Tian Di slipped on his long, embroidered jacket, setting him apart from the other guys who were all in black. Indigo bitched at him to keep his brand consistent. His marketing-expert sister agreed with the advice.
The hair and makeup people descended upon them to attack with brushes and sprays one more time.
After they vanished, Indigo huffed out a breath. “Just have fun, Styx.”
“I’m here to play music. I’m not here to kiss on TV.” Styx ran his twitching fingers through his perfectly tussled mop of hair.
The stylist rushed back to slap Styx’s digits away from the mess he made of his hair, then repaired the damage. She slinked back into the shadows but remained on guard.
Styx sighed. “My little sister watches this show.”
Jin took Styx’s smacked hand and pressed his lips onto the knuckles. “You already prepped your family, right?”
Twirling his drumsticks, Styx nodded. “Indigo did. He chatted with my dad for a long time.”
Indigo waved him off. “He mostly asked about expensive cars, but I made sure he understood the concept of fan service and giving the audience what they wanted. And yes, that does mean you’re here to lock lips. Get the fuck over it. If you want fans, you need to earn them. Sex sells music.”
“Not helpful, Indigo. Styx, Jin said your parents were excited about you being on TV,” Tian Di pointed out, hoping the encouragement made a difference.
Styx stared at the floor.
Indigo chimed in with “Yeah, come on. You said your dad even gave you advice on how to deal with the game. Make them proud and play kissy face with Jin.”
Tian Di rested a hand on Styx’s shoulder. “Just stay on the end near Jin… away from Indigo. I hear he’s a sloppy kisser.”
Indigo smirked. “You wish you knew, Tian Di. Styx, we’re here to get fans. This is the way to accomplish that feat. So drop a card or two. I’m sure you won’t mind kissing Jin.”
Styx’s face got even redder. It might have been a miracle he had any modesty after living with Indigo, who had made it a top priority to give Styx a degree in every aspect of the gay world beyond China.
“Don’t pay attention to the audience. Think of Jin and have fun.” Tian Di slapped the unconvinced Styx on the back. “You got this.”
Jin leaned in and whispered something.
Styx nodded eagerly, then widened his eyes. His frown turned into a smile.
Edging closer to Styx, Jin winked at Tian Di over Styx’s shoulder.
A stagehand clapped quietly. “It’s time. Places. Four, three, two, go.”
Li led them out onto the stage and in front of what felt like the whole damned world.
Tian Di passed Indigo and wedged himself between Indigo and Li. He wasn’t sure why, but he did.
Symmetry gave Made in China enough applause to appear sportsmanlike as they took their place on the other side of the MC.
Tian Di got into his lead singer mode. He kept his eyes down and shifted from foot to foot as if he were nervous. Staring at the ground, he hoped to appear shy as they stood waiting in line for the silly game of Suck and Blow to start.
It wouldn’t benefit his career for fans to figure out sucking face wasn’t the only thing he liked sucking. To say he had an oral fixation wouldn’t be an exaggeration, and if he didn’t need to protect his voice, he’d probably smoke three packs of cigarettes a day or suck—but this was China, not LA.
Tian Di pieced together the information as the MC explained the game rules. “The band able to suck and blow the best….” The MC waited for the crowd to “oh” and “ah.” “Um, suck and blow the most cards wins.”
The wise guy gave his oversized whistle a blow, but the only translation Tian Di received in his ear piece said, “Begin.” As if he couldn’t have figured out what the shrill sound popping his eardrums meant.
Some members of Symmetry sat out the game to keep the teams even. They bounced around the stage and rallied the crowd.
Styx leaned over and with the necessary suction, picked up a card, then shifted it to Jin. Jin slowly pursed his lips and blew away the queen of hearts before he planted a big kiss on his boyfriend’s lips.
Nice! Way to pull the attention to Made in China.
Styx blushed and his hand fluttered to his mouth as if the lip press were a big surprise to him. Styx must have decided to ham it up, because he shrugged to the audience, and then he and Jin shared a quick smile. The audience ate the affection up.
Damn, Styx and Jin fit together like puz
zle pieces. Tian Di’s heart clenched. He coveted the deep connection they had. Each touch, look, and kiss they shared served only to remind him of everything he lacked in his life. A couple of years ago, exchanging blowjobs with a fanboy would have been more than enough to satisfy him, but now… he was lucky to be flexible.
He had never been so long between men. He wasn’t picky. Young and old, Tian Di found reasons to enjoy whoever offered to spend time with him. Though things had changed over the last year. The last guy he’d been with, while skilled, left him feeling empty afterward.
He could barely believe it, but he craved more than casual encounters. Maybe living with people who really loved each other highlighted how fleeting and inadequate the passing pleasure had become. He twisted his ring to remind himself of his goals.
Styx sucked, latching on to the eight of spades, and turned toward Jin.
The audience got louder as Jin tucked his fingers into Styx’s belt loop and tugged him close. Jin grazed his lips across the card as if he were kissing Styx, and then he turned to blow the card to Indigo’s lips.
Indigo sucked the card away from Jin, turned toward the camera, and wiggled his eyebrows. He grabbed Tian Di’s waist.
Tian Di tossed his hair over his shoulder.
The audience sighed.
Indigo glared at him.
Whatever. Tian Di tilted his head to the left and pursed his lips in the best pout he could manage so he could receive the playing card from Indigo’s lips. He ignored the angry daggers Indigo threw.
Tian Di sucked the card against his mouth. He could see Styx and Jin working on their next card.
Stepping back, Tian Di bumped into Li, who steadied him. “Come on. Give me a card! Symmetry is winning.”
The scoreboard displayed two to zero.
Tian Di blew the card to Li who sucked the card and got it into the basket. They scored a point.
Jin passed the next card to Indigo, which he transferred without incident to Tian Di.
Wanting to build the drama, Tian Di turned nice and slow, giving the camera big eyes, and even fluttered his lashes. He leaned toward Li and couldn’t prevent the ace of diamonds from falling to the floor, causing him to plant his mouth on Li’s.
Li’s lips were soft, his kiss thorough, though mechanical. The kiss held affection but lacked passion. It appeared to be nothing like the kisses Li exchanged with Indigo.
The crowd clapped and stomped their feet, unaware there was no chemistry between them.
Putting a hand over his mouth, Tian Di playfully batted at Li.
Li’s eyes flashed amusement.
The onstage monitors showed young women had jumped out of their seats, screaming like they’d won the lottery. Some hugged the person next them, and a few even started to cry.
Success. That was what this game was all about: fan service.
The game continued, and after half a deck of cards, even Styx appeared to relax and get into the spirit of silliness. He dropped the card right as Jin sucked, and their lips touched. He clung for a moment.
Tian Di was sure when the program aired, there’d probably be hearts around their heads at every mistake, which would be shown in slow motion. He was good with the games… right?
For fuck’s sake, was this worse than blowing your way to the top? At least with a suckfest, once the guy in charge shot off, Tian Di could rinse out his mouth and put the incident out of his head. But these damned pictures would be following him throughout his career… however, this show would be enabling that career, so he needed to deal. He had to keep his eyes on the prize.
More cards, less kissing, and Made in China fell into a rhythm, their time almost up.
Indigo sucked the card from Jin and turned to Tian Di, a question in his eyes. Everyone had dropped a playing card except the two of them.
Tian Di cocked an eyebrow slightly to lay the dare at Indigo’s feet.
Indigo dragged him close by the shoulders, lowered his mouth to Tian Di, and blew the card at him. The jack of diamonds hit Tian Di in the nose and fell to the floor.
Tian Di laughed right before Indigo pressed his mouth onto him.
Indigo’s lips against his couldn’t be called a kiss. Even though they were touching lips, somehow Indigo turned the kiss into a power struggle.
Tian Di wouldn’t be outdone by Indigo. He jerked back and put a hand over his lips as if that could hide what happened. Using big eyes, he stared out at the crowd, causing a bit of mayhem in the audience.
He didn’t want to admit Indigo’s and Li’s kisses were the most intimate thing he’d had with a man in recent memory. A piece of him wanted to drop to his knees and blow Indigo’s boyfriend right there in front of him. More because he could, and less because he wanted to.
The MC blew his giant whistle and named Symmetry the winner. Big surprise. The translation across the huge-screen TVs said the game had finished.
As soon as the cameras stopped filming, Indigo got in his face. “What the fuck was that?” He gestured wildly at Li.
Tian Di wrapped him in a hug. “Careful, man. There are too many eyes on us.”
Indigo’s gaze followed his as he assessed the audience, who were taking snaps of their interaction. He fake smiled. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right. But if you suck face like that again with Li—”
“So I guess a blowjob is totally off the table?”
Indigo patted him on the back a bit too hard, and ended the hug. Turning his back to the audience, Indigo growled, “If you ever kiss my boyfriend again like he’s yours, I will take you apart.”
Tian Di couldn’t help but point out the basic fact that their relationship was open. “Unless you give your permission?”
“That will never happen. Though I can make you sing in a higher range for the rest of your damned life.” Indigo smiled with sweetness before glancing over at Li.
The MC waved them back into line.
A scratchy translation of “commercial break over” pierced his eardrum.
“Congratulations to Symmetry!”
The bands formed two lines and shook one another’s hands as if they’d played a basketball game.
The MC clapped with the crowd and Symmetry filed off stage.
Lights cut out.
Tian Di’s earpiece demanded, “Sing.”
So much for a setup.
He stalked to center stage through the inky blackness to the edge of the spotlight.
The rest of the band got their instruments together. Preparing for a show in the dark was a skill perfected at the German restaurant.
Tian Di paused and opened himself. When he got Indigo’s signal, he stepped into the light, letting everything good in the world slam into him, propelling him to reach out to the audience with song. He grabbed the mic and sang, “Neon-lit streets only highlight my loneliness and doubt.”
Styx came in with a soft drum beat, followed by Jin plucking his guitar and Li laying down a bass line, and Indigo held the melody together with his keyboard. The band supported the soft sensuous mood of the song.
Lyrics flowed out of Tian Di, even as tears tracked down his cheeks. He allowed his desolation and despair to overwhelm him as the words in the song described. “Everyone has a love but no, not me.”
He sang, letting everything he never thought he wanted invade the lyrics. “I can yearn, but it cannot be. I’m not free, and you never wanted me….”
The music carried the sadness of unfulfilled need.
He poured all of his sadness into the song until he sang the final words to a silent theater. “Never before and never again.” Dropping his head, he let the tears fall.
The music died.
The roar from the crowd erupted and clutched him tight. He drank in the appreciation.
A stagehand ran out and handed him a tissue. Why? Oh. He carefully wiped away his tears without screwing with the eye makeup.
Pulling himself together, he changed gears and belted out a song Indigo usually referred to as one of their an
them rock songs.
The crowd jumped to their feet, singing the words that flashed across the screen right along with him.
He touched his ring, drinking in love and acceptance.
What a feeling. This was why he tolerated the loneliness of his world.
Chapter 3
JORDON FELT restless and constricted. He craved a bit of freedom to do things on his own schedule. To gain liberation, however, he would need to take the right tone in addressing his oldest brother.
He wandered into the kitchen. Both Zack and Dusty were making lunch. “Oh, hey. Those look good. Can you make me one?”
“Of course. Wasn’t sure if you’d be down for lunch; I didn’t want to bother you. Zack was just going to bring one upstairs to you later.” Dusty added more slices of bread to the lineup on the counter. He slapped on cheddar cheese, turkey slices, tomato, and lettuce. On two he put mustard, and for Jordon’s, he put a special sauce Zack found at the deli near his side of town.
Zack rewrapped all the lunch fixings and muttered at the refrigerator’s disorganized state—at least according to Zack’s way of the world. “For clarity’s sake, using the labels I put in the fridge to guide you both to put things back in the right place isn’t harmful to your health… and it might save your life.”
Jordon rolled his eyes at Zack’s threat.
Dusty gave Jordon a small grin and a conspiratorial wink.
Sliding onto the barstool next to Zack’s usual spot, Jordon asked, “You off today?”
Zack continued shuffling things around the refrigerator. “Nah, I’ve got a roadie meeting later this afternoon, but I wanted to stop by to make sure you were packed and ready for Asia.”
“What? Why?” Jordon shouldn’t bother asking. He knew why.
Zack gave up on the organization, and he took his seat. “Um, ’cause I’ve helped you pull your shit together before every single tour.”
“I can pack myself.” He could. He should. He would….
Dusty focused on him. “Have you?”
