by Z. Allora
“I know; too bold.” Jordon dropped his head back onto the love seat.
“What do you mean?” Robin searched Jordon’s face.
“Going away to another country implies… things.” Jordon tried to control the panic beginning to surge.
“Have you talked to him about—”
A knock at the door interrupted him.
Robin smiled. “That’s probably Josh. He was still sleeping, so I left a note and slipped out. I can tell him—”
Jordon hurried to the door to let him in. “No, it’s okay. You guys are a twofer.”
“Is Robin—” Josh looked over Jordon’s shoulder and smiled at Robin. “Hey, I got your note. I wanted to know….”
There was nothing Josh wanted to know; he simply wanted to be with Robin. They were rarely outside of touching distance.
Jordon put Josh out of his misery. “Why don’t you come in?”
“Oh, um. Great.” Josh patted him on the back and rushed over to Robin. He sat next to him, nuzzled his neck, and then kissed him on the cheek.
“We were talking about the drama that is my life,” Jordon grumbled as he dropped into the uncomfortable, striped armchair. Why did hotels insist they could tie together different patterns if they were in the same color? No, it made for chaos, which would be fine if it didn’t look so much like Jordon’s life.
Josh eyed Jordon quizzically. “Your brothers giving you shit about Tian Di? He’s a nice guy, by the way. I’ve asked around about him.”
After biting back the snarky remarks about Josh scent-marking his territory, Jordon squished comments on Josh’s stalkery habits. He was crushing this maturity thing! Proof Jordon could be an adult with the best of them… and, well, there were just too many responses to choose.
Jordon sighed. “It’s not only their reaction to me having a boyfriend. I asked Tian Di to come away with me without thinking about what he thinks that means we’ll do….”
Josh looked clueless and turned to Robin for a translation.
Robin tilted his head toward Jordon, asking permission.
Fuck it all anyway, or not. Jordon shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Tian Di and Jordon have never—”
“Does he want to?” Josh asked Robin instead of Jordon.
Jordon answered, “I haven’t asked. We’ve done stuff, but he’s a guy. Of course he’d want to fuck. Everyone wants to fuck.”
Robin rested his hands on his knees. “Careful with the stereotypes. You’re a guy, but you don’t want to….”
“He doesn’t?” Josh looked from Robin to Jordon and back again to Robin. “Jordon, you don’t want to?”
There the issue was in neon. Jordon didn’t want to fuck or be fucked. The whole idea was a boner kill. Now hugging, kissing, touching, and being touched registered an “Oh hell, yes please!” on his sex-o-meter. And as for oral, he couldn’t wait to suck and be sucked, but not—
“Just eat salad,” Josh declared, like this was supposed to make sense.
“Excuse me? Nothing exciting ever happened that started with eating salad.” Jordon wanted to make light and maybe backpedal.
“It keeps things clean.” Josh imparted this wisdom to him like he was sharing a secret magic trick from the Book of Anal Sex.
Jordon was tempted to ask what things, but stopped before he could form the words—ew!
Josh read Jordon’s hesitation. “It’s natural to be nervous your first time, and—”
“I’m a sexual side.” There, Jordon admitted it aloud, but he got none of the relief one supposedly got from revealing their deepest secret.
“A what?” Josh’s face scrunched.
Robin smiled at Jordon and then turned to Josh. “Side means Jordon isn’t a top, bottom, or versatile.”
Josh shifted closer and his brows drew together as he studied the mystery that was Jordon. Geez, any more intense and he’d whip out a magnifying glass. What? Did he now think Jordon some kind of mystery to puzzle out, like those word games he played on his phone? “You’re not straight, are you? I was at your coming-out party. Wait, I mean, if you are, that’s fine… I just—”
“Um, no. I’m not, nor have I ever been, straight.” Jordon had no clue where Josh got his ideas from… though maybe that wasn’t fair. Not any of the gay men he knew admitted they didn’t want anything to do with anal intercourse.
Robin smiled and shook his head. “A sexual side is someone who enjoys all kinds of things, just not intercourse.”
“So, um, asexual?”
Jordon tried not to get frustrated. “No, asexual means the person doesn’t experience sexual attraction. Though they may or may not engage in sexual activities.”
Josh waved his hands in front of him for a moment. “Hey, don’t take offense. I’m trying, but hell, I don’t even know where I fall in terms of orientation.”
“You’re Robin-oriented. I’m good if you want to just leave things at that.” Robin nudged Josh.
Jordon wanted Josh to understand the way Robin did. “Look, I love everything I’ve done so far with Tian Di, but what if he wants, like, more?”
“Talk to him—”
Another knock at the door interrupted Josh’s way too practical response.
Jordon’s room was in danger of becoming Grand Central Station. Everyone wanted to catch the crazy train to Jordon Davis’s show-and-tell of his sex life, or his lack of….
Not sure whether it would be one or both of his brothers, Jordon opened the door cautiously. “Oh, hey, Justin.”
“Hi…. Oh, hi, everyone.” His brother’s ambassador waved to Robin and Josh over Jordon’s shoulder. “I don’t want to interrupt.”
“Nah, come on in.” Jordon dragged the rolling chair from the desk and sat, gesturing to Justin to take the striped chair.
“I love how the lace accents your jeans,” Robin exclaimed.
Justin touched the red lace peeking through the tears in the upper thighs of his jeans. They must have been attached to some kind of lingerie. “Thanks.”
Silence.
The guys all took turns looking at one another, then at Jordon.
Finally he could take it no more. Jordon broke. “I’m an idiot. I invited Tian Di on vacation, and I don’t wanna fuck.”
Justin waved him off. “You shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m sure he doesn’t expect—wait, Tian Di’s not trying to force—”
“No! Of course not. But me. I don’t want to fuck or be fucked.” When no one said anything, Jordon tried to lighten the mood. “I’m waiting for the rainbow police to break down the door and snatch my gay card.”
Epic fail.
Robin frowned at Jordon. “No, there are plenty of guys who are gay or bisexual who don’t have anal sex. Just ’cause you’re gay doesn’t mean you have to want something in your butt.”
Justin traced the patterns in his lace. “You know, your brother and I… it took a long while before we ever even tried….”
Josh recrossed his legs. “I heard he called Darius for advice.”
Really? First Jordon heard of this. “Yeah, and what wisdom did Dare impart to him?”
Josh snorted. “Lube. Lots and lots of lube.”
Justin chuckled with a smirk.
Robin added, “I think that was for a different issue. Your brother wanted to have intercourse but was hesitant, whereas you don’t.”
“Oh, so you don’t want it either way.” Justin nodded a bit vigorously. Maybe if he bobbed his head enough, he’d find enough space for the “don’t want to have anal sex” concept. “That’s called being a side, right?”
“Yes.” Jordon shouldn’t be surprised Justin knew the term, since he was the one Jordon always went to with personal questions.
Justin picked at his red nail polish. “My therapist suggested I look at various ways to express sexuality. I guess she wanted to show me it’s okay not to want certain things, and that there’s no right way to find gratification, but in my case, even after ev
erything, I still wanted to do that….”
Robin rose to his feet and gave Justin a quick hug before Justin’s words even burrowed their way into Jordon’s brain.
Unlike Jordon, Justin hadn’t been rescued. He’d been raped and badly beaten. His recovery had taken years. The experience left him unable to truly trust anyone until Dusty. Justin had shared his story with Jordon to convince him to tell the police everything he knew about the guy who attacked Jordon.
“I’m fine.” Justin ended the hug and sent Robin back to Josh. He plucked at the stretchy red lace on his thigh. “The important thing is that you and Tian Di are doing things that make you happy and satisfied. Whatever that means.”
“As long as children and animals aren’t involved,” Josh declared.
What? Did he honestly think he needed to set those kinds of limitations? What the fuck?
Jordon couldn’t help himself. “So, I guess baby animals are definitely a hard line for you sexually.” He waved off Josh’s ludicrous suggestion. “Sorry. I—”
“Ha-ha.” Josh gave him a look similar to the ones he’d give Dusty when he’d made a jackass remark.
Jordon ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, we haven’t even had oral sex, so I don’t know what I was thinking by inviting him.”
“Do you want to have oral sex?” Robin asked.
At the same time, Josh asked, “So you want to play inhale the python with Tian Di?”
A smirk ruined Jordon’s attempt at deadpan. “Inhaling the python…. Zack refers to charming the snake. Gwen calls it kneeling at the altar of knob jobs.”
“Nice. How about penilingus?” Josh chortled.
Robin’s eyes widened. “Or making mouth music….”
Justin held up his index finger. “My mother explained oral sex to me by using a Popsicle, so for years I thought of it as sucking the penisicle.”
Good thing Jordon wasn’t sipping a drink. He’d have spewed soda everywhere.
Josh folded his arms across his chest. “How about sampling the sausage? Or nibbling the worm… blowing the love whistle… getting a throat culture—”
Robin’s sharp inhale stopped Josh’s endless list. “Okay, okay. Jordon, do you think you want to explore that with Tian Di?”
Hell to the yes! Jordon nodded.
“Not to pry, but have you ever?” Justin asked.
Pressing his lips together, Jordon frowned and shook his head. “Nope. Never got that far. Probably the only person this century to make it to twenty without oral sex.”
Justin cleared his throat the same way Jordon’s big brothers did before they gave a lecture. “Well, since you’ve never had other sexual partners, Tian Di’s safe. According to the CDC, there’s little to no risk of contracting HIV through oral sex.”
“You could use a condom, and Tian Di should get tested if he hasn’t been already,” Josh suggested.
“Are you going to tell me the safest sex is abstinence? Or knowing you, next you’ll tell me how to treat his dick like an ice cream cone melting in the sun. Though believe it or not, I have a pretty good idea about how dick sucking works.” Jordon could get a PhD in porn.
Josh sighed. “Hey, bud, just trying to help.”
“I know.” And Jordon did understand, though sometimes the fact these guys had known him since he was ten didn’t make things easy.
“Do only what you want to do, and don’t feel pressured to do something you think you should do.” Josh held out his fist like fist-bumping was still a thing.
Jordon bumped his fist so Josh could put it back on Robin’s thigh.
Robin smiled and pointed to the nightstand. “I see you still wear your retainers.”
“Yeah, sometimes. After straightening my teeth, I should wear them more,” he admitted. He was still pissed that Dusty wouldn’t let him get regular braces with Pride-colored metal.
Robin’s eyes sparkled. “When you’re ready for advanced BJing… wear those. They give you different surfaces and—”
Jordon smirked. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
“Perhaps.” Robin winked, and Josh actually blushed.
“I’m just going to say one more thing.” His de facto brother-in-law met Jordon’s gaze. “Dusty didn’t want anal sex either, because of my history, but I ached to be with him that way. Though if he decided he never wanted to have intercourse, we’d have found a way to satisfy that need in me. That’s what you do when you’re in a relationship. You talk and figure out ways to make each other happy.”
“Yeah, I know.” If that was true, why did Jordon have so much doubt eating a hole in his heart? Would not wanting to have anal be a deal breaker and ruin everything between him and Tian Di?
Justin patted his shoulder. “Just remember, it’s okay if you decide you want to do it. It’s fine to never have anal sex. It’s okay to decide you want to later. Relationships with people we love evolve, grow, and change.”
“Though I don’t think for me this is a changeable fact.” The admission came easier now that he had confessed his feelings aloud.
JORDON HAD almost finished packing. He’d divided his clothing for Japan from the clothing that would go back to Shanghai, happy he would be able to get everything for Japan into a carry-on and a suit bag. Now he’d have to deal with the things left hanging in—
A sharp knock made him jump.
Had to be Zack. Jordon opened the door.
Typhoon Zack raged in. “I simply can’t believe you fell for a singer. I love Angel and all, but you know what he was like, don’t you?”
Duh! Jordon folded his arms and glared at his brother. “Get out your dumbrella, because the stupid is falling thick. Angel Luv and Tian Di Zhao are both phenomenal singers, but that’s where the comparison begins and ends.”
“I’m serious.” Zack let out an exasperated sigh.
Jordon zipped the last of his packing cubes and placed them in his carry-on. “Great to meet you. I’m Jordon. Now go fuck an artichoke.”
Zack squinted and then grimaced. “Any way you do that… that would hurt… a lot.”
Ignoring other suggestions pouring into his brain because they were less than mature, Jordon pointed to the two larger suitcases. “Can you take these suitcases to Shanghai with you?”
“Of course.” Zack opened Jordon’s largest suitcase and started to pack the hanging items.
Jordon stopped him. “I’ve got it. Really. I can pack my own shit.”
Zack hesitated in letting go of the hangers, then released them into Jordon’s custody. He sighed. “Okay, fine. It’s a habit. Don’t have kittens; I don’t know if they have an SPCA here in China.”
Jordon growled. He set the clothing on hangers into the suitcase and folded them over. It might take more room, but it made for easy unpacking and fewer wrinkles.
“I just don’t understand why you’d go for someone like him.” His older brother stood with his arms folded across his chest and scrutinized the packing proceedings, waiting for Jordon to screw something up.
“Like him? What’s your problem with Tian Di?” Jordon got right in Zack’s face.
Zack started pacing. “I don’t know him. You don’t really know him. You’ve never even had a boyfriend, but you meet him and boom—that’s it. You love him?”
“Yeah, I do.”
Zack dropped into the chair. “Oh, Jordie. He lives halfway around the world from you. He’s a singer! How can this possibly work out?”
“I don’t know. But goddamn, I really want it to.” Oh, geez. How pathetic did he sound?
Slapping his hands down on his thighs, Zack said, “I just—”
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“That’s probably Drew.” Zack flew to the door and let in his other half.
Andrew took Zack’s face in his hands, pressed their mouths together for a moment, and rested his forehead against Zack’s.
Zack took a couple of deep breaths. He stalked over to the love seat and sat down.
�
��Jordon, I’m sorry for the intrusion.” Andrew appeared as sincere as ever.
“Nah, it’s all good. Have a seat.” Maybe Andrew could control Zack or at least make him sing a different song.
Jordon continued to pack.
“How do you know you love him? You don’t even know him.” Zack’s tone was considerably calmer.
Andrew leaned back on the love seat and folded his arms over his chest. “Zack, is that a fair question?”
Zack snarled. “What don’t I like on my pizza?”
“If you want me to back off, you know what has to be done.” Andrew’s voice dropped an octave or two.
What the fuck?
“Mushroom, dammit! Mushroom.” Zack bit out the words like the fungus had done him wrong.
“What code word fuckery is this noise? You can take your safeword shit somewhere else.” Jordon had enough to deal with.
“Why can’t you understand, Jordie? I don’t want you to get hurt.” Zack’s voice broke and he used his hand to cover his face.
“That’s life… isn’t it? Hurt happens.” Jordon didn’t mean to be so matter-of-fact, but it was the truth. Life hurt and all anyone can do is survive.
“I don’t want that for you.” Zack struggled to get the words out.
Fuckery fuck!
Zack glanced at Andrew, and something seemed to pass between them. Andrew squeezed Zack’s hand and kissed his palm. The grimness vanished, and Zack straightened.
Jordon sighed and sat down hard on the bed. “All my life I’ve longed for the kind of love and support you and Dusty both have. I’m building that with Tian Di. Why do you begrudge me the possibility of having that?”
“I want you to have that, just… why a singer? Have you been blind these last few years?”
Just when Jordon thought he’d made progress. “I don’t care that Tian Di’s a singer. I care what kind of person he is and how he makes me feel.”
“It’s too soon—”
“You can’t make my decisions for me. I love him, Zack. Truly, with my whole heart. Maybe it was a crush before I knew him, but now I love him. I know it’s new, but he’s mine and I’m his.”
“Yes, but—” Zack grabbed Jordon off the bed and death-grip hugged him.
