The Amazing Adventures of 4¢ Ned (Coinworld: Book Three)

by Benjamin Laskin

  Over the intervening years since his narrow escape at the Colorado River, Pete had worked diligently on his “ambiversity”—a coin’s ability to animate both its obverse and reverse sides with equal dexterity—and the further development of his inner wampum. Convinced that everything the Great Minter had created had a purpose, he directed his energies into discovering new skills for the two wheat stocks on his reverse side. In time, he greatly increased their animation. One such skill was the ability to utilize them as a substitute for his lack of arms.

  Pete flipped onto his backside and began inching his way across the grating’s bar with mini-bucks, hugging it with his wheat stalks like a man on his belly crossing a chasm on a felled log.

  His eye skyward, he saw Sadie circling above. Ernie saluted him with a wing and Sadie shouted down, “Don’t worry, Paul. We’ve got your back!”

  Lenny said from the other side of the grating, “Attaboy, Wheatman. You can do it!”

  Pete muttered, “Why me? Why always me?”

  At last he arrived at the side of the trembling dime.

  Not sure what was more frightening, a mobile masked penny that looked more like a pepperoni than a penny, or the chasm below, the dime said, “Wh-what are you going to do now?”

  Too preoccupied with how he was going to reach the dime, this was the part of the plan Pete had failed to think through. He couldn’t push or pull her without chancing they’d both tumble into the void, nor did he dare try stomping on her edge to flip her to safety.

  “Umm…”

  “Mr. Penny? Hello?”

  “What’s your name, ma’am?” he asked.

  “Daisy. Daisy Dime.”

  “Okay, Daisy. Here’s what we’re going to do. I need you to remain calm and do exactly what I say, okay? I’m going to reach a wheat stalk to you.”

  “You’re going to what?”

  “Daisy, listen to me. You’re going to take it into your teeth and clamp down with all you got. I’m going to pull you down and then swing you out of here. Don’t panic, and whatever you do, don’t scream or…”

  “Or what?”

  “Just don’t, okay?”

  “I’m scared, penny. I-I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “You can do it, Daisy. Trust me, okay?”

  “Okay,” she whimpered.

  “Attagirl. Get ready.”

  Pete slipped down around the bar, his wheat stalks holding tight to the grating. Now face-down and staring into the abyss, the abyss stared back. Pete grimaced and closed his eye.

  He concentrated, and squeezed. His stalks began to stretch, doubling their normal length, and then doubling and tripling again, lowering his body as they lengthened. He fixed them tightly around the grating, and then releasing one stalk, he pulled with the other and reached the freed stalk towards Daisy.

  “Okay, Daisy. Here it comes. Clamp down on it with your teeth and don’t let go until I fling you up.”

  “Fling?”

  “Here it comes.”

  “I see it! … Eeyuu, penny. That’s gross. How do you do that?!”

  “Not now, Daisy. I’m dangling by a thread here!”

  “Oh, sorry…”

  “I can’t see, so tell me, to the left or right, up or down.”

  “Left!”

  Pete adjusted.

  “That’s right!”

  “Right as wrong?” Pete said.

  “Right!”

  “Daisy,” Pete said with straining exasperation, “your left and your right, okay? Now, tell me.”

  “Left…left…a little more… Stop!”

  “Okay, Daisy. Here it comes.”

  “Gentle, penny,” the dime pleaded. “If you hit my chin I’ll fall!”

  Pete lowered his stalk itty by bitty bit.

  Daisy opened her mouth wide and then felt the wheat stalk inside like a blade of grass. She clamped down.

  “Good!” Pete said. “Here we go…”

  “Merm-mmerm!”

  Holding on to the bar with the other stalk for dear life, Pete yanked the dime from her ledge with a grunt.

  “Merm-mmerm!”

  He swung Daisy like a pendulum below him, and when he gained enough momentum, he whipped the dime up through the grating.

  Daisy screamed and the stalk slipped from her mouth. “Ahhh…!”

  She flew somersaulting through the air like a trapeze artist, smacked onto the alley’s asphalt, bounced and landed on top of Lenny the penny, who had scrambled to catch her.

  “My hero!” Daisy cried. She smothered Lenny with coin kisses.

  Daisy was still kissing Lenny when Pete bucked to their side. Lenny didn’t seem to mind one bit. He looked up at Pete, and winked.

  Not having yet mastered the art of a smooth touchdown, Sadie and Ernie crash-landed nearby.

  Lenny scooted out from beneath Daisy, cleared his throat and licked his lips. He smiled roguishly at Pete.

  “It’s one of the perks of being a superhero, Wheatman,” he explained.

  Pete rolled his eye.

  2

  bank account

  “Who are you coins?” Daisy asked, regaining her composure. “You can’t do what you do. It’s-it’s impossible!”

  Lenny popped onto his rim. “That’s right, baby. You didn’t see anything here, okay?”

  “But I did see. And…and, did you help capture a thief? What kind of coins are you?”

  “Just two humble pennies and a modest silver dollar, ma’am,” Lenny answered with an exaggerated bow.

  “Pennies can’t bow,” Daisy said. “And they can’t stand, roll, or stretch their wheat stalks either. And how did you get those masks?”

  “Nice, huh?” Lenny said. “About six months ago we were—”

  “Ahem,” Pete interrupted. “It’s a long story, ma’am.”

  “All I have is time, Mr…?”

  “Wheatman,” Lenny inserted jauntily. “And I’m Steelman, and that gorgeous lady there is The Silver Soarer with her intrepid eagle, The Bald—”

  Ernie screeched and spread his wings signaling, ‘Cut, cut!’

  “But you’re not men, you’re coins,” Daisy said, confused.

  “Well, duh,” Lenny replied. “But Wheatcoin and Steelcoin sound pretty dumb, don’t you think?”

  “Not much dumber,” Daisy answered truthfully.

  Lenny frowned.

  “Anyway,” Pete said, “I’m glad you’re safe. We have to be going now.”

  “Go?” Daisy said, perplexed.

  “That’s right,” Lenny boasted. “Places to go, things to do, coins to save!” He stomped on Daisy’s edge, spun her around, and planted a big, wet farewell kiss.

  Daisy swooned and dropped onto her backside.

  Lenny grinned at Pete and bounced an eyebrow. “This superhero business is a gas, isn’t it?”

  Pete groaned.

  “You’re not going to leave me here, are you?” Daisy said.

  “Sorry, sweetheart,” Lenny said, “but this flight is sold out.”

  “Sold out?”

  “Booked up.”

  “Booked up?”

  “Out of talons.”

  Daisy turned to Sadie Silver Dollar. “Ma’am, what is he talking about?”

  “Paul,” Sadie said, “the dime is right. We can’t just abandon her in this filthy alley. It could be months, even years before a person finds the tiny thing.”

  Lenny said, “When I chased after you I saw some panhandlers hanging out just around the corner at the end of the alley. Silver Soarer, you and The Bald—”

  Squawk!

  “—You can just shuttle Daisy over there and drop her into one of their tin cups. She’ll be back in business in no time.”

  “Yes, yes,” Daisy pleaded. “Please!”

  Sadie turned to Pete, who nodded in approval. She rolled off, and Ernie spread his silvery wings and took flight.

  “Wow,” Daisy said, “that lady’s the coolest! I’ve heard of gold quarter and half eagles d
oing such things, but I never could have imagined—”

  “Wait,” Pete said. “Flying gold coins? You’ve seen them?”

  “No, but I heard stories.”

  “Aw, shucks, Daisy,” Lenny said. “Third-hand stories aren’t worth a hill of wooden nickels.”

  “Not third-hand, Steelman,” the dime replied.

  Lenny swelled with pride at the mention of his superhero name. He shot Pete a jubilant smile.

  Pete grimaced and turned to Daisy. “Second-hand, then?” he asked her.

  “No, first-hand! I overheard them talking at the bank.”

  “Bank? Which bank?”

  “First National in Merced.”

  Just then, Sadie and Ernie swooped in to pluck up the dime. They missed by six inches.

  “Oh, shoot!” Sadie said as they circled around for another try.

  “Your lift could take awhile,” Pete said. “As you were saying?”

  “One of the tellers had just cracked a roll of dimes and dumped us into her tray when a customer strolled up to the woman to inquire about some coins she was holding. She said the coins were part of an inheritance and asked the teller what they were worth. When the clerk went to get the bank manager I overheard the coins talking.”

  “How many were there?” Pete asked.

  “I’m not sure, but a few. Quarter and half eagles, I think. I got the impression they were old, but in mint condition.”

  “What did you hear, Daisy?”

  “It sounded crazy at the time, but I had never met a gold coin and thought that because they were gold, maybe they told bigger whoppers than the rest of us.” She shrugged. “Is that true?”

  “Nah,” Lenny said. “We all lie about the same.”

  “Oh, well that’s good to know. Anyway, the ladies said some coins showed up at the human’s home the previous day and told them that they were going to be given a new life. The intruder coins seemed to know that the human was planning to take the golden gals to the bank the following day, and that was where the interception would take place. I found the story ludicrous, but what coin doesn’t enjoy a good fairy tale?”

  “Did they mention any names?” Pete asked.

  “No names that I can recall, but they did speak glowingly about some princely nickel and his girlfriend, a gorgeous double eagle.”

  Pete and Lenny exchanged knowing looks.

  Sadie and Ernie made another pass. They missed again.

  “Darn it,” Sadie said, her voice trailing off.

  Daisy said, “Are they doing that on purpose?”

  Pete said, “This nickel they spoke about, did they mention anything strange about it?”

  Daisy laughed. “Really, penny, what could be strange about a nickel?”

  “You never heard about The Four?” Lenny asked.

  “Four what?”

  “Never mind,” Pete said. “Go on with your story, Daisy.”

  “Oh, you mean The Four. Sure, who hasn’t heard that hokum. The legend has been around for years, but only the dumbest coins actually believe it. A four-cent nickel sent to save Coinworld that can hop and roll and stand on edge at will?” She snorted with laughter. “As if!”

  Daisy looked up at the two masked coins balanced perfectly on their rims looking down at her. Her chuckling spittered and sputtered, and was replaced with an uneasy grimace.

  “Oh, boy,” she said. “But you’re not nickels, you’re pennies!”

  Sadie and Ernie zoomed in for another shot, Ernie Eagle’s talons spreading before him. He plucked up Lenny.

  “Hey!” Lenny cried.

  “Huh? … Oopsy-poopsie!”

  Daisy giggled, “You guys are a riot.”

  “A laugh a minute,” Pete said. “What else can you tell me?”

  “I didn’t hear anything more after that, except screams.”

  “Screams? The coins screamed?”

  “Not the coins, the woman they belonged to. In fact, the entire bank went berserk.”

  “What happened?”

  “I’m not really sure, but as crazy as it may sound, people were shouting that golden winged insects had swarmed the bank lobby. They snatched the woman’s coins right out of her hand and then disappeared as quickly as they had arrived. It was the darnedest thing. The police came shortly after, but they couldn’t make heads or tails of what had happened. An hour later, a zoologist from a local university showed up on the scene. He convinced the police that the marauders were probably baby sparrows.”

  “Did they take anything else?”

  “No other coins. Apparently they weren’t drawn to silver. But they did fly off with a woman’s silk handkerchief, four bank pens, a box of paperclips, and some rubber bands. It was an exciting day. Not as exciting as today, but that’s life as a coin, right? Sometimes we can sit around for months, bored as a lost subway token, and then—shazam!—it’s action city.”

  Bang!

  Pete didn’t need to look. He knew that Lenny had just dropped from the sky onto the lid of a metal trash can.

  “Boy,” Daisy said, “with you guys the excitement never stops, does it?”

  “You don’t know the half of it,” Pete said.

  Lenny came wobbling up, a big grin on his face.

  “Are you okay, Steelman?” Daisy asked.

  “Oh, sure,” he slurred. “A little ringing in my ear, that’s all. Sounds kinda like sleigh bells. Nice!”

  “Daisy,” Pete said, “did those gold coins mention anything about where the nickel was going to take them once they were rescued?”

  “Not that I can recall.”

  “Anything at all?”

  Daisy puckered her lips and thought hard. “One of them did mention something about fresh air and the biggest lawn a coin ever saw.”

  Lenny and Pete exchanged glances.

  “What kind of air?” Pete asked.

  “You mean there’s more than one?”

  “You know—mountain air, desert air, arctic air…?”

  “Gosh, you guys really do get around. I’m jealous.”

  “…Ocean air?”

  “Salt air!” Daisy blurted. “And every day is sunny. It sounded heavenly. I wish they’d have taken me with them!”

  “The coast,” Pete said. “Southern California most likely.”

  “I knew we were closing in on them!” Lenny exclaimed.

  “You’ve been saying that for three years,” Pete said.

  “Thinking positive, Wheatman,” Lenny chirped. “I learned it from you. Attitude is altitude!”

  Pete chuckled. “You’re a fast study, Steelman.”

  Lenny beamed and then glanced skywards. “Altitude! Here they come again. Hit the dirt, Wheatman!”

  Pete and Lenny flopped face first onto the ground. Sadie and Ernie zoomed overhead, snatched up Daisy Dime, and carried her away.

  “Weeeee!” Daisy cried. “The funnest day ever-r-r…!”

  “Another satisfied customer!” Lenny said. “Say, Wheatman, what do you think that business about the big lawn meant?”

  “I was just thinking about that.”

  “A park, maybe?”

  “Could be, but do you know how many parks there must be in Southern California?”

  “Let’s see…twenty-one?”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “You asked, so I guessed. Am I close?”

  “I have no idea, Lenny, but a lot, and probably more than twenty-one.”

  “Oh.” He chewed on his guess some more. “But how many have salt air? That oughta narrow it down, right? And how many have big lawns?”

  “Are you sure mind reading isn’t one of your superpowers, Lenny?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. Let’s find out! Think of a number between one and a hundred.”

  “Lenny, I was just—”

  “C’mon, c’mon. I can do this! Ready?”

  “Shoot.”

  Lenny furled his brow in concentration. “Eighty-nine!”

  “Honk.”
r />   “Fifty-two!”

  “Honk.”

  “Wait, wait…it’s coming to me… Ninety-nine!”

  “One,” Pete said.

  “I knew it!”

  “Can we get back to work here, Lenny?”

  “Sure thing, Wheatman. But you wait and see, I’m going to master this mind-reading business.”

  “I’m sure you will, Lenny.”

  “I love you, man.”

  “Say what?”

  Lenny sniffled. “No one has ever believed in me before.”

  “Aw, come on, Lenny. Superheroes don’t cry.”

  Lenny blinked away a tear. “You’re right. Sorry about that. I get a little emotional sometimes…”

  “Don’t give it another thought, Steelman. It’s the source of your animating powers. It’s the juice that generates your inner wampum. Just…just learn to focus it a little better, that’s all.”

  “Whoa, that’s heavy. Lesson learned, Wheatman!”

  “Attaboy. Now, parks, think parks with big fields and salt air.”

  “Baseball fields.”

  “Interesting…”

  “Football fields…stadiums!”

  “Too many people around,” Pete said. “Access to people is good, but a coin base needs a modicum of isolation.”

  Sadie and Ernie fluttered down into the alley. Ernie folded up his wings and Sadie rolled over to them.

  “That Daisy is a doll,” Sadie said. “Too bad there’s no room for her on the team. That ax on her reverse could come in handy.”

  “No chicks,” Lenny said. “We don’t have—”

  Sadie rose to her full measure. “What am I, chopped mica?”

  “Umm, er… Help me out here, Wheatman.”

  “No way, Lenny.”

  “You’re one of the guys, Sadie,” Lenny fumbled. “And-and Ernie’s a boy eagle, so you see…?”

  “I see me teeing you up like a golf ball and swatting you onto Sunset Boulevard. That’s what I see.”

  “Aw, c’mon, Sadie. I didn’t mean anything. You’re The Silver Soarer!”

  “Not working,” Pete said.

  “And a real looker to boot!” Lenny tried again.

  Sadie glared at the steely and trundled closer.

  Lenny shrank back.

  “Golf!” Pete exclaimed. “Sadie, you’re a genius.”

  “I am?”

  “You are,” Lenny said. “A looker and a genius. We’re so lucky to have you! And any second now Wheatman is going to explain why.”