by Mike DiCerto
"Socks."
"Socks."
"Socks, indeed,” boasted Poe, with a proud wink.
* * * *
"Ready. Poe?"
"Yes, Quark Caffrey."
The party gathered aboard O.D.O.R's command craft, where congratulations were abundant and Caffrey refrained from spoon-feeding crow to Yin and Violet. More than anything, he wanted to get to the point of his mission. He stood with the Portsmith, anxiously awaiting the reanimation of his friends.
"I will illuminate the proper slot."
The third slot beneath the open panel of the android's back began to glow green, and Caffrey gently placed the rainbow square before it. The internal mechanisms of Poe 33 drew it in.
"I confirm the presence of four human beings, one member of the genus Felis catus and three examples of the Fleogan order, also known as the house fly. Shall I release them?"
Caffrey was ready to pop. Yin and Violet stood by anxiously.
"Please..."
A swash of colored light sprayed before them. The image was at first faded and flickering—like a memory. The memory became clearer as the density of color and texture solidified into perfect reality.
Then they were there—Sam, Russ, Dave and Al. They were positioned mid-protest—fists waving, mouths agape in anger and a couple of middle fingers flashing. Their life forces refilled their forms and they snapped instantly into a state of both panic and confusion. They yelled and cursed at some invisible antagonist.
"Welcome back, you ugly bastards!” Caffrey said, smiling and jumping amidst his friends. He threw his arms around necks and kissed various cheeks.
The band-mates were still completely baffled and looked about at the multitude of colorful lights adorning the many control panels. The cat, spotting Yin, hissed and took off but was scooped up by Violet, who seemed to have an instant bonding with the orange-and-white tabby. The flies, not quite bright enough to discern nor give two cents about their new location, beelined to Yin's tushie region in hopes the dog-like being would poop them a meal.
"Relax, fellas. You're safe and solid."
Caffrey hugged them all again—and looked them over, not quite believing they were real. Then, unabashed, he hugged them one more time.
A considerable amount of debriefing was needed to settle the minds of Caffrey's friends into a more comfortable state of utter confusion. An agreement was made between Yin, Violet and Caffrey that it would be best to have their memories cleared of the entire experience and get them home as quickly as possible, where they could be placed in their respective beds to awaken to considerably more confusion. Caffrey would simply write it off as the results of some double-dipped Mickey Mouse postage stamps and leave it that.
He looked forward to the inevitable weeks of trip reports and the endless comparisons to the jewel-encrusted basketballs of Terrence McKenna and complaints about NASA's failure to come clean about life beyond. They'd be right, but Caffrey would swallow his guffaws. And forever, strange fragments of each friend's repressed memories would find their way to the surface as odd dreams and colorful song lyrics.
* * * *
Caffrey, Yin, Violet and Poe 33 gathered around a small dining table in a room giving out on a beautiful view of the heavens of Nefarious's dimension.
"I would like to raise a glass,” said Yin, lifting a beautiful crystal sparkling with red liquid in his paw.
All hands rose with their respective glasses.
"We all doubted Caffrey's plan. That is, myself, Violet and all of my fellow O.T.H.E.R comrades. But Angie, Poe and little Peebo kept the faith. Caffrey, I toast your wisdom and your unmitigated compassion. Peace."
"Cheers!” Caffrey toasted. “To the beginning of the end of O.D.O.R."
"The head is gone, but there are hundreds of writhing limbs scattered about this galaxy,” Yin observed.
"But damn, I need a vacation."
"Roger that,” Violet said.
Caffrey leaned over and whispered into Violet's ear. “How's about a little cruise to this isolated cove I know on the beachy keen world of Jirmosa, my purple-eyed girl?"
"Tempting, Quark,” she replied, beaming her purple lovelies into his eyes. “But I have some personal things I have to take care of. Maybe I'll meet you back on Earth. One day."
"You know where I live,” Caffrey said softly, kissing her gently. “I'll wear a Venus flytrap in my lapel."
Violet smiled. Poe 33 stood up. “I believe I am ready to have the essence of my Master returned. Quark Caffrey, would you do the honors?"
"It would be an honor, Poe."
The Protocol Portsmith gently placed the crystal tube onto Caffrey's palm and turned around. His access panel opened and the tube was placed into the slot.
"Fingers are crossed, Poe."
The tube was sucked in. All eyes were on the android. A shimmering cloud of brilliant orange plasma wrapped around Poe 33's body and congealed to a singularity at the center of his forehead. He then smiled.
"I have contact.” The room erupted in great applause.
"Where is he?” Caffrey had to know.
"That information is restricted to the inner workings of I, Poe 33, the Portsmith to the Wisest Substance in the universe—known and unknown."
"Come on, Poe, after all we've been through?” Caffrey pried.
"All I can say is that he is in a bit of a jam. No pun intended. Nothing the grandest, wisest and studliest android in the universe can't handle."
"Can we be of assistance?” Violet wondered.
"I can use a lift to the Llystera System. Perhaps, Quark Caffrey, we can return to Desmitten for The Moby Dick and you can join me on my journey across the Cosmos with my Master. You have a power. Although your unrealistic progress was inevitably aided by the Great One's fondness for you, you do, indeed, have a gift. A gift that you may want to consider perfecting. You can, if you choose, train and perfect your abilities. Live for a thousand years. Reach a state of near-immortality. See wonders and sights that will amaze you."
Caffrey smiled to himself, pondered the choices a moment, then looked at Poe 33. “I just helped save the galaxy for music—I think I'd prefer to spend some time making a bit of it. With all due respect to La Grande L'Orange."
"I sort of figured you would make that decision."
Caffrey patted Poe 33 on his shoulder. “But you can have a lift."
"Quark Caffrey, if you don't mind, may I retain the music collection in my circuits? I am fascinated by their power."
"Of course. Spread the word. Long live Rock."
Poe 33 nodded and extended his hand.
"I will miss you, Quark Caffrey. You are, indeed, a shining example of human potential for good."
They shook hands.
"Thanks, Poe."
"My master wishes you well. He says your greatest power is something you were born with. And as outright cornball-barf-bait-bullshit as it sounds, love is nothing to laugh at. It is the basic ingredient of L'Orange. Of the universe. If I may coin a phrase, what's so funny about peace, love and understanding?"
"Exactly.” Caffrey nodded in agreement. He felt a tickle at his earlobe. Angie whispered to him.
"Love seat, can I have a private word with you?"
"Of course.” They went to a quiet corner.
"I have been pondering my own future and have come to a conclusion. Although my programming dictates that I will forever love you, I feel I need to spend some time away. Finding what it means to be me, Angie, in this odd universe."
Caffrey smiled.
"Would you like to join Poe 33 on his journey?"
"No. Violet wants to take some time off from battling O.T.H.E.R and head out to track down her maternal biological predecessor."
"Her mother? I thought..."
"Her grandmother. Or grandfather. Or a distant cousin. She needs family right now. I would like to escort her. Learn more about the family experience. Maybe learn what being a real woman is all about."
Caffrey smiled
again and nodded. He couldn't speak—the lump in his throat made that rather difficult.
So, as the millions of prisoners aboard Nefarious's craft were transported to their respective home worlds, in a project that would take a little time, Violet and Angie escorted Caffrey and Yin, complete with the unconscious band-mates, to Earth circa 1973. The Bopple had decided he could play the happy doggie lifestyle with satisfaction. At least for a while. Violet, Angie and the cat took over The Moby Dick and carried Poe 33 into the strange albeit lovely Llystera System where he would rejoin the L'Orange.
Marmalade Skies played their way into the hearts of hundreds—on a good night—and Caffrey Quark played his way into the pants of a line of gorgeous fans who still believed he would soon sell out sports arenas.
Marmalade Skies actually never sold out a single sports arena, but Caffrey's faith in the better part of the complex creature called human was helped along by the little positives around him. All the simple lives around the world who created amid their day-to-day burdens rather than those who drained their planet of its spirit from the back of a limousine. And, of course, all the musicians with their longhaired souls, who filled Caffrey Quark's life with endless joy.
The universe would rear its big nose, goofy-eyeball glasses and fuchsia pasties again, but for the moment Caffrey would simply enjoy the predictability of a monotonous Earth. He was quite content in his little lonely corner of the Cosmos.
THE BEGINNING
ENDNOTES
Chapter Two
1. Frigamoose, the largest land creature on Gegimonz 3, is the only known animal to have just one side.
2. One of the “Seven Grand Tales” of Gromet's Odyssey. The hero, Lether, traveling the worlds of the Vespucci System, bagged a twenty-ton flabunkor using a twig, pocket lint, snow and a small plum.
Chapter Three
1. Soon after Greppledick's rise to fame and fortune, the gathering of diamonds by Truplimorians was made illegal. Thus, once again, the old Earth saying, “If feces found a value it would be illegal for the poor to have bumholes” was proven prophetically true.
2. A race of Insectoid beings who mature into young, humanoid boys with Dutchboy haircuts and poreless skin.
Chapter Five
1. A microscopic, fully maneuverable electronic brain of sorts that allows a previously fixed computer system completely free rein. Can be fitted with audio vocalization systems, energy shields, holographic projection units, etc.
2. Caffrey would never know, but the banister appeared on the altar during the sacrifice ritual of the Emperor of Uglath 2. Taken as an omen of divine displeasure, it led the ruling council to spare the Emperor's life. He went on to rule the world for three hundred years of peace and prosperity.
Chapter Six
1. Famous for its wild weather, the lyrics “When it rains it snows and the sun burns bright. When the lightning thunders and outshines the light. And when the soft breeze blows a tornado of snow, it must be Blooth on which you live, you know” sum up life on the odd world.
Chapter Seven
1. The Merrymaker Glee-grenade was one example. The powerful explosive device would preface its deadly blast by first performing various scenes of comedy, projected from its built-in 3-D imaging unit, often gathering a crowd of thousands of mirth-seeking desperates before blasting them to God's foyer.
2. The famous last-known spoken words of Sarnok Blowell, the insane general who ordered his army of twenty thousand to attack their sun with daggers. All twenty thousand, encased in spacesuits designed for only temporary extra-vehicular jaunts, were burned to a quantum crisp; and the general whistled down the wind and was never seen again.
3. An android term for birth.
Chapter Nine
1. Yerkoroans have exterior brains known as peeshoomas that are protected by thick leather trousers (You should be ashamed of yourself).
Chapter Eleven
1. The Gwenipol folk of Unbillia do not scream nor make any audible expression of pain. Instead, they sketch religious scenes on parchment.
Chapter Twelve
1. A circus of sorts that specializes in ice sculptures, imbecile juggling and lively discussion.
Chapter Fourteen
1. When Spydersloth first began his anti-music crusade he was chased off-stage by a group of strong-willed Stebble Hens who refused to surrender their music. As Spydersloth walked off defeated, he noticed a group of twelve eggs rolling and hopping behind. He learned they'd been converted in vitro and had pledged their young feathered souls to him for all eternity.
Chapter Fifteen
1. The perfect height when flying over regions of under-educated, isolated folk who will inevitably gawk and chase down the craft in hopes of catching a glimpse of the occupants (or better yet, be invited on board). Undoubtedly, any future reporting of such incident will result in mockery and further isolation, often resulting in psychosis-forming resentment and, in some cases, lucrative story rights fees.
2. Due to their cold-blooded nature, they will often wear underwear of latex to help retain valuable body heat. (You really should wash your mind out with strong soap.)
3. An ancient tale of an adventurer who went on a great quest for something no one can remember, to a place everyone has forgotten and whose fate no one can recall.
Chapter Sixteen
1. The Desmitten body metabolizes fats extremely efficiently. So efficiently, in fact, that many Desmittenites die every year of low cholesterol. Thus, the eating of large amounts of fat, meat, grease, dairy products and high-fat fruits is encouraged. So important is this that the everyday lexicon has been infused with constant reminders to “Eat fat or die!"
2. No one knows what the Silver Sompom is. Everyone does know, however, that it is good and they must have it.
3. The colloquial term for android used in the Heddington area and not meant to be as derogatory as it sounds.
4. Folk from out of town.
5. The Galaxy Population Database. Contains trillions upon trillions of entries sorted by name, address, species, DNA and mating preferences.
Our thanks to...
Chapter 1: “Magic Carpet Ride” recorded by Steppenwolf, written by J. Kay and R. Moreve; Chapter 2: “The Life Auction” recorded by The Strawbs, Written by David Cousins, John Hawken, Dave Lambert, © A&M Records; Chapter 3: “Juke Box Hero” recorded by Foreigner, Written by L. Gramm/M. Jones, ©Somerset Songs Publishing Inc./Evansongs Ltd. ASCAP; Chapter 4: “Rock Show” recorded by Paul McCartney and Wings, Written by Paul McCartney; Chapter 5: “The Crystal Ship” recorded by The Doors, Written by Jim Morrison, © The Doors Music Company, (ASCAP) Elektra/Asylum Records; Chapter 6: “20,000 Light Years from Home” recorded by The Rolling Stones, written by Mick Jagger & Keith Richards, ©Abko Records; Chapter 7: “War Pigs” recorded by Black Sabbath, Written by Iommi/Osbourne/Butler/Ward, © Warner Bros. Records; Chapter 8: “And You and I” recorded by Yes, Written by Anderson ©1972 Atlantic Recording Corporation. Published by Topographic Music Ltd. & Rondor Music (London) Ltd.; Chapter 9: “Gone Hollywood” recorded by Supertramp, written by Rick Davies & Roger Hodgson ©1979 Almo Music Corp. and Delicate Music (ASCAP); Chapter 10: “Dolly Dagger” recorded by the Jimi Hendrix Experience, written by Jimi Hendrix, ©Experience Hendrix LLC under exclusive license to MCA Records, Inc.; Chapter 11: “Killer Queen” recorded by Queen, written by Freddie Mercury, © Hollywood Records; Chapter 12: “Space Oddity” recorded and written by David Bowie, © TRO-Essex Music International Inc (ASCAP) Inward Music Ltd. 1969, 1997 Jones/Tintoretto Entertainment Co., LLC under exclusive license of EMI Records Ltd.; Chapter 13: “The Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging” recorded by Genesis, © Genesis Music Ltd./Hit & Run Music (Publishing) Ltd.; Chapter 14: “Time” recorded by Pink Floyd, lyrics written by Roger Waters, © Pink Floyd Music Publ. Ltd./Chappell Music Ltd.; Chapter 15: “Kashmir” recorded by Led Zeppelin, written by John Bonham, Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, published by Joaneline Music, Inc. (ASCAP) ©1975 Atlantic Recording
Corporation; Chapter 16: “With A Little Help from My Friends” recorded by The Beatles, written by John Lennon & Paul McCartney, ©1967 by Northern Songs Ltd. under license from ATV Music (Maclen)(BMI); Chapter 17: “Bat out of Hell” recorded by Meatloaf, written by Jim Steinman, ©1977 Sony Music Entertainment; Chapter 18: “The Trees” recorded by Rush, written by Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Neil Peart, ©Polygram Records Inc.; Chapter 19: “Hidden Treasure” recorded by Traffic, written by Winwood and Capaldi, ©1971 Ackee Music Inc. (ASCAP) Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp. (BMI); “Blackbird” recorded by The Beatles, written by Lennon-McCartney, ©1968, by Northern Songs Ltd. All rights admin. by Blackwood Music Inc. under license from ATV Music (Maclen) (BMI); Chapter 20: “Another Morning” recorded by the Moody Blues, written by Thomas, ©1967 The Decca Record Company Limited, London; Chapter 21: “Karn Evil 9” recorded by Emerson Lake & Palmer, written by Emerson, Lake & Sinfield, ©1973 Manticore Records Ltd.; Chapter 22: “Love Reign O'er Me” recorded by The Who, written by Pete Townsend, ©1973 Fabulous Music Ltd. 1972,1993 MCA Records, Inc.; Chapter 23: “Stairway to Heaven” recorded by Led Zeppelin, written by Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, ©Superhype Publishing, Inc. Warner Brothers Music Corp. (ASCAP).
...for saving the universe.
About the Author
"I have been a writer and storyteller since I created a menagerie of imaginary characters in the Garden of Eden of my mind—a garden that was a reflection of the backyard I spent a collective childhood in East Harlem, NYC.
In school I would often find myself in situations reminiscent of Pink Floyd's The Wall—busted by my teachers for writing stories and humiliated before my peers for attempting “the great American novel.” But my family (especially my Dad) and two terrific high school English teachers encouraged the heck out of me. I would always write. No matter what paths detoured me.
