“Are you okay, Casey?” he blurted out.
I paused. My dad rarely used my name. I knew it was because he missed my old name, my deadname. He’d picked it out when I was born. I picked out Casey. “Yeah, Dad, I’m fine,” was all I could choke out.
“Are you sure? You don’t want to come home?”
“No, it’s okay.” I could feel the word I wanted to hear hovering between us. He’d called me by my name, but could he call me…son?
He sounded gruff. “Well, that’s good then. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time there, Casey.”
My heart leaped in my chest again. “Thanks Dad. I…I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too…Casey.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. I hadn’t ever heard him say that before, to that name. I heard the hesitation, but he’d said it. I sniffled, but no one heard, because he’d handed the phone back to my mom.
“Casey, you just call us again if you want to come home, okay? You don’t have to put up with bullying, you know. Call us right away if anything else happens. We’ll be there for you.”
“Hey Mom…have you been talking with Dad?” I had to know.
“About what?”
“About…you know, my transition?”
“Well, yes, but not recently. You…you know what he’s like.”
Yeah, I knew what it was like. He’d walk away, or not say anything but sit there, stone-faced and disapproving. But…if she hadn’t been saying anything… “He…he called me by my name.”
“I know. I know it’s been hard, Casey. Just be patient with him, okay?”
“Sure.” I could be patient with him, but would he ever come around?
“He’s worried about you, you know,” she said, almost whispering it.
Something in my chest gave way, and I had to swallow hard so I wouldn’t start crying again. “Thanks, Mom,” I said, meaning it.
We said goodbye and then hung up. I felt a little better for having talked with them. Especially my dad. He was worried about me. He cared about me, enough to call me by my name after all of this.
Wade took us up to the cabins, and there was an awkward moment of trying to figure out what to do with us. He finally relented and allowed Ella to come into our cabin. He certainly couldn’t allow her to be alone, and none of the other counselors had come with us.
“But I’m not leaving,” he warned us, unnecessarily.
That was fine. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be alone anyway, in case I had another panic attack, even though I was fairly sure I wasn’t going to. At least, not right now, not after talking with my parents. Ella had helped me through them before, but it was usually better if an adult was around in case I accidentally hurt myself.
Ella and I got onto my bed, and we sat as close to each other as Wade would allow. Wade settled himself into his own bunk and ignored us as we talked quietly.
“I’m so sorry this happened,” Ella said.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
“But what about Gavin?” she said, mouthing his name, and looked at Wade. At that point, I didn’t care who knew what. Since Wade knew I was trans, he might as well know I was bisexual, too.
I shrugged. “It’s probably better this way.”
“Why? What do you mean?”
“It’s too complicated. I came here to just have fun.” I could now see the lie. I ignored it and convinced myself it was the truth.
Ella frowned at me, as though she knew what I was thinking and feeling. And maybe she did. She knew me as well as I knew myself, perhaps better. But she didn’t say anything, respecting my wish to continue with the self-delusion.
We talked about other things, lighter things, until it was nearing bedtime. Wade hustled Ella to leave the cabin as soon as the other kids started coming back up the mountain, and she hugged me good night.
To my relief, Ryan did not return. Neither Alex nor Gavin would look at me, and I couldn’t blame them. No one else talked to me, either, clearly uncomfortable with my public panic attack. Ryan’s friends, Geoff, Tyler, and Tanner, threw me black looks as though it was all my fault. Nick was the only one who spoke to me.
“You doing okay, man?” he asked.
“Yeah, fine.” I thanked him and tried not to be bitter that he was the only one who cared enough to ask.
Wade let me go shower, which I hurriedly did as there was very little hot water. Shivering, I ran back to the cabin and got into bed.
I lay there awake again, staring at the ceiling, and then out the mesh window. I’d gone through the whole gamut of emotions that night. I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay. I wanted to come out to everyone and get it over with. I wanted to stay in the closet and never come out to anyone ever again. I was happy Ryan was gone. I was upset he would likely return. I wished Gavin had kissed me. I wished I’d never met Gavin. I hated myself for having a crush. I loved crushing on Gavin, who was adorable. It made me feel wonderful that he obviously liked me. But then it made me feel horrible he knew I was trans, even though he’d said it was fine.
Sometime in the night, exhaustion from the roller coaster of emotions finally overtook me, and I slept.
Chapter Four
I WOKE UP, still tired, before everyone else. My sleep had been deep, but I hadn’t had enough of it. However, I felt better than I had in a while. That sometimes happened after panic attacks. It was as though my body had been purged of all the negative emotions and was left lighter, happier. It never lasted, but at least I got to enjoy it while it did.
After gathering up my clothes—including my binder—I rushed out to the bathroom to get dressed. It was a huge relief to finally wear it again. My chest was back to being as flat as I wished it would be all the time.
When I returned, Ryan was back. He was laughing it up with his friends in the cabin, and they all ignored me when I came back in. That was just as well. I think my heart stopped for a moment when I opened the door and saw him there. It had caught me off guard. I’d hoped he’d be gone longer than one night, or, even better, for the rest of the session.
To my surprise, though, Gavin smiled at me when I came back in and asked, “Did you sleep well?”
“No, not really.” His attention had surprised me enough I hadn’t thought to lie.
It wasn’t the answer he was clearly expecting, and he just said, “Oh, sorry.”
While everyone else was getting dressed, I started making my bed. I also had cleaning duties with another cabin, and it was the latrines again. Wonderful. I kicked rocks back into place around the entrance to my cabin and then went to the latrines to do the showers.
When we lined up to go eat breakfast, Gavin was right there. “So what sorts of activities do you think they’ll have today?” he asked.
I stared at him for a moment, trying to decide whether he was being nice to me just because or whether he was playing with me. “Don’t know. But I’m kind of hoping it will be something different. I don’t want to do friendship bracelets or dodgeball again.”
“Yeah, same here.”
Even more surprising, Alex came up to us and joined in the conversation. “Anyone know what we’re having for breakfast?”
Gavin and I both stared at him long enough that he started to turn away, anger written clearly on his face. I stopped him by catching his arm. “Sorry, yeah, don’t know. Whatever it is, it’ll probably be good.”
He looked at my hand on his arm and then up at me. A tiny smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
It was a little awkward and stilted, but we made small talk on the way down the mountain. It was kind of like we were getting to know one another again—a fresh start. I learned that Alex lived with his dad, that his mother had died when he was still really young. Gavin’s parents were still together, but he’d said his dad was a prick. We commiserated a bit about overprotective parents.
They both asked to sit with us at breakfast. I’d never seen Alex hanging out with other people, though admittedly I hadn’t been payi
ng attention. That made me feel bad.
Ella made eyes at me when Gavin sat down right next to me, and I just smiled and threw one shoulder up into a “we’ll see what happens” sort of shrug. She tried containing her excitement for me, though she didn’t hide it well. She was practically vibrating in her chair and was extra loud when she spoke to anyone.
I did feel better about possibly getting involved with Gavin. He was a nice guy, at least as far as I could tell. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to get into a romance at camp, though. What could we do? Sneak off to kiss? We certainly couldn’t be out in the open with it. I couldn’t ask him to the dance, could I?
While the world had become more accepting of same-sex romances, I wasn’t sure a camp full of kids I didn’t know would be the best place to test it out. At least, not without a few adults that I knew I could trust running things. Wade might be useful, but since Ryan’s uncle owned the place, I wasn’t willing to try it out.
I remembered Ella had said there were a lot of queer people here, and that might be true. But I hadn’t really seen any. There were no gay couples smooching in the open. Maybe that would change by the time we all started thinking about dates for the dance, or maybe it wouldn’t. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to find out firsthand how queer-friendly this camp was or wasn’t.
Breakfast was biscuits and gravy with home fries. It was so good I stuffed myself silly as I chatted with Ella, Nick, Lily, Alex, and Gavin.
Alex was quiet most of the time, but he was starting to come out of his shell. Lily and Nick took the addition of the two boys in stride. Gavin and Nick were fans of a video game I hadn’t played before, and they geeked out over it for several minutes.
Lily, Ella, and I got into a discussion of cosplay again, and I listened, fascinated, as Lily described a new build she was working on. It sounded insanely complex, but I could tell she enjoyed doing it and the attention it was getting her.
Because I tended to like boys a little more than girls, I hadn’t ever noticed Lily that much. But now I realized how pretty she was. Taking a girl to the dance would be infinitely easier than trying to take a boy.
But Lily didn’t make my heart flutter the way Gavin did.
Besides, I’d already said I’d go with Ella unless some miracle happened and I could take Gavin without causing a huge fuss. Ella certainly wasn’t going to ask anyone, and I didn’t want her to feel left out.
After breakfast, we all walked together back up the mountain to sign up for our morning activities. There were the usual dodgeball and ultimate Frisbee options. Instead of bracelet making, there was a nature hike, which sounded nice. Ella, Gavin, Alex, and I all signed up for the hike.
We were to meet at cabin twelve, which was further down the road than I’d gone before. Boys generally weren’t allowed down that end since it was where all the girls’ cabins were, and it felt a little rebellious as we passed by them.
Lars was the counselor for the hike, and he was joined by one of the women counselors, Angela, who was in charge of cabin eleven. She was a black woman with medium brown skin and an array of tight black braids she’d pulled up into a huge bun on top of her head. Lars actually wore sensible hiking clothes that morning, though his pants had been poorly tie-dyed. He stared at nothing as we all gathered, humming to himself.
We waited for a while, making sure everyone who wanted to come had a chance to sign up. Angela went back to the lodge and checked to make sure the list had been filled up and then called our names out so she’d know who we all were.
“Okay!” she said. “Let’s get going!”
We even went past cabin number thirteen, which I hadn’t known was there, and the road still kept going up the mountain. I wondered where it went, and if we were going to be following it.
Lars began pointing out interesting plants as we passed. I wasn’t interested in trees, but I dutifully listened as we went. The road petered out into a trail at a stand of maples. Lars listed all the different kinds of trees we were seeing, but I couldn’t tell them apart.
I was too distracted by Gavin. He’d changed into a tank top and shorts. It wasn’t entirely smart when tromping through the woods, but it showed off his arms and strong legs. I envied his flat chest and how he was able to wear a tank top effortlessly, without needing a binder.
I was sweating into my binder, and my breathing was too shallow. Though we’d only just started walking uphill, my T-shirt had started to cling to me. The day was heating up, and I was already miserable.
Ella was casting worried glances at me, but I waved her on. Gavin looked back at me but continued with the others. I slowed a bit to catch my breath and then hurried to get back with the group, hating that they might think I was out of shape or something. I told myself I was fine, that I shouldn’t start worrying. It might set off a dysphoria attack, which wouldn’t help anything right now.
Angela and Lars had stopped pointing out plants, as they’d run out of ones to list, and instead, chatted with each other. That left the rest of us to our own devices, as long as we followed them.
We continued along the trail, which turned rougher as we went up the mountain. Now, it was a thin strip between the trees—barely a string of rocks along the barren ground that we stepped over or stumbled on. A few times, it got steep enough where I had to use my hands for balance. I wondered how long we’d be hiking, and if we’d miss lunch if we went too far.
I stumbled once, and Gavin caught my hand as it waved frantically. A thrill went up my arm, and again when he didn’t let go.
He smiled shyly back at me as we held hands. I was blushing, and so was he. His face was bright enough to match his hair, his freckles drowning in a tide of red. Even his ears were crimson.
Gavin’s hand was warm in mine, but I was pretty sure mine was sweaty and dirty from when I’d fallen. I hoped he didn’t care. I was struggling through a mountain climb with a binder on, and he was wearing a tank top and shorts. I was going to be hot.
We tried to make it casual. I was hoping no one would notice, but eventually he ended up helping me out a few places, and it felt like everyone took note of how much hand-holding we were doing. Ella translated her excitement for me into bounding from rock to rock as they got big enough to stand on the higher we went.
After about an hour of walking, Lars and Angela called a halt. We were close to where they wanted to take us, but they weren’t sure we’d get there in time. We still had to make it all the way back, though we had plenty of time before lunch.
“Down will be easier,” Lars said when Angela showed doubt as to whether we could make it. “It’ll go faster.”
“Okay, let’s try it then,” Angela said.
The rest was brief, but it gave Gavin and me a chance to sit together. His knee was touching mine, and I was acutely aware of it. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening to me. And we were doing it out in the open. All of the other kids could clearly see us holding hands and sitting close.
My heart wouldn’t stop doing flip-flops in my chest, and I felt a little nauseated. I couldn’t believe I was sitting there, in the open, with Gavin. Who knew I was trans. Who didn’t care that I was trans.
I had to be dreaming.
I pinched myself a few times just to make sure, but I didn’t wake up.
I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of the nature walk, because I was too busy paying attention to Gavin. We didn’t talk much, only held hands and walked. And looked at each other. And at the ground, too embarrassed to make eye contact again. I tried to think of funny or clever things to say, but they all sounded so ridiculous they never made it to my lips. Probably a good thing. I didn’t want to scare Gavin away by being too weird.
But when we arrived where Lars and Angela had been leading us, it was worth the whole hike. I paid attention then.
We came out of the trees onto a nearly flat expanse of bare rock, and suddenly there was a valley stretched out below us. Mist had collected in the bowl of the valley, but it was slowly di
ssipating in the sunlight. We were so high up the trees below us looked like a carpet of green, stretching out as far as I could see. It seemed as though the whole world was green forest. A hawk called out above us, soaring on the wind.
“Wow,” I whispered.
Gavin and I found a place on the rock to sit, but it was precarious. I felt like I could easily slide down the rock and out into the air, falling forever to the valley below. I’d never been up so high, and I didn’t like it. But Gavin was there, and he was holding my hand. I gulped and tried not to think about falling.
“We’re so high up.” My voice was shaking. I hadn’t realized I was so scared of heights. I did want to go closer to the edge but didn’t think my brain would let me.
Gavin pushed himself closer to me. “It’s okay; I have you.”
And before I could stop him, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me as close to him as I could get. I was practically on his lap, could feel his breath at my ear.
“Is this better?” he asked.
“Yes,” I whispered, unable to say anything more loudly.
“Is this okay?”
“Yes.” Still unable to say anything more than just that one word.
“Why did you run away?” he asked quietly.
“I’m sorry. I…I was just not ready. Not right then.”
“Are you ready now?”
I turned in his arms to look into his eyes. “Ready for what?”
A grin spread over his face, and he must have known what I was thinking. “Dating,” was what he said, though.
My heart tripped in my chest. “Dating?”
“Yeah, you know…us going out?”
I didn’t know what to tell him. Was I ready to date? Like, really date? Or could we just stay like this forever?
I never got a chance to answer, because a commotion broke out behind us.
“Where’s Alex?” Lars’ voice was tense, alerting us all that something was very wrong.
I snapped out of my haze of joy and looked around. Alex wasn’t there. I thought I’d just seen him, and he definitely had started out with us.
On a Summer Night Page 8
