by Perez, Nina
Third Grade Detective
October 13, 2007
I shouldn't be surprised that a child of mine has a sharp mind for figuring stuff out. I come from a long line of puzzle solvers, detectives, and mystery lovers. And it's a good thing that I don't believe in telling a child, "... because I said so" seeing as how my child simply won't take that for an answer.
"Everything has a why, Mommy."
She's right. Everything does have a why. And just like Kali won't stand for "because I said so" she hates, "I don't know."
The other night, before bed, Kali was going through her kindergarten yearbook. We had a good time looking at kids she got to know in later grades and seeing how little they looked in kindergarten. When we came across one particular kindergarten class, Kali pointed and said, "Hey, look. There's Mary."
Mary is the fictional name I'm giving the girl who lives across the street. (Sometimes I call her Twat.) The little girl that I don't care much for, but has grown on me as of late... only because she's now acting less twat-ish towards Kali.
I looked, and sure enough, there was Mary - first pic, first row, first column. Kali looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully then asked, "How come we were both in kindergarten at the same time, but now I'm in third grade and Mary's in second?"
It was immediately obvious to me that Mary's ass had been left back, but for some reason I didn't want to say that to Kali so I settled for, "I don't know." I guess I had images of Kali sitting on the school bus the next morning and saying, "My mom said you must have been left back." I may think her parents are making huge mistakes in some regards to her welfare, and I may think that she's a sneaky little liar, but that doesn't mean I want to hurt her feelings for God's sake!
Kali was not satisfied with my answer and several times before bed I would hear her muttering to herself things like, "She's eight and I'm eight... I don't get it." Or, "She must be a repeater."
"Kali, don't go asking that girl why she's only in the second grade. It might hurt her feelings."
Kali looked disappointed, but not deterred. The truth was, I kinda wanted Kali to find out because now my curiosity had been piqued. Obviously, the child was left back, but I wanted details. I'm nosy. Sue me. I wanted to know so badly that the next day when Kali came to me and said, "Mommy, I know why Mary's only in the second grade," my immediate and unashamed response was, "Really? Why?"
"She repeated kindergarten."
And without thinking I responded, "That's fucked up."
And without missing a beat Kali said, "Yeah, I know."
There was a moment of silence in which we were both pondering how one goes about failing kindergarten. I mean, every Mom I know worth her salt has taught her child everything he or she will learn in kindergarten before they go. Hell, Kali knew her alphabet, how to count to twenty, how to do basic addition, and her address and phone number, all before she entered preschool. For most kids, kindergarten is like, a free year. Suddenly, I had a new thought.
"Hey! You didn't ask her if she was left back, did you?"
"No."
"Then how do you know she repeated kindergarten?"
Kali runs to her room and returns with two yearbooks.
"Well, I thought about it and then got my other yearbooks. And when I was in first grade, she was still in kindergarten. See?"
Kali flips through one of the books and points to herself, smiling in her first grade yearbook photo. Then she flips back a few pages and points to Mary who is still the first pic, first row, first column, but in a whole new kindergarten class. Sad.
Kali looks proud of herself.
"You weren't going to let it go, were you?"
"I just had to know. It's like... I couldn't even sleep."
"Well, I'm just glad you didn't ask her. She might have been embarrassed."
"Yeah."
Silence.
"But... I still wish I knew why. I mean, how did she fail kindergarten?!"
Everything has a why.
The Opposite of Me Is Cock
November 17, 2007
Last night, after Kali's parent-teacher conference, we headed to our favorite Chinese buffet restaurant. At about two that afternoon I was suddenly overcome with the desire to eat dinner there. While we waited for the waitress to bring our drinks, we checked out the paper on the table that tells you what year you were born in. You know, year of the dragon, monkey, etc. Donny is horse, I'm tiger, and Kali is rabbit. While Donny and I went to get our food, Kali decided to stay at the table to finish reading all the characteristics that come with being born in the year of the rabbit.
As I'm putting some steamed rice on my plate Kali comes up to me and says so loudly that I damn near dropped my plate...
"The opposite of me is the cock."
"Uh huh. Get a plate."
"Is a cock like a chicken?"
"Mmm hmm. Do you want fried rice or white rice?"
"No rice. I thought so cause the cock looks like a chicken on the paper."
Oh sweet God. I just really wanted to tell her to shut up, but if there's one thing I've learned about being a parent it's that you don't draw more attention to things than need be. If I made a big deal out of the word she'd be Googling "cock" the moment my back was turned. We sit down to eat and of course when it's about as quiet as it can get in the restaurant Kali says, "Daddy, do you want to know what the opposite of me is?"
"What?"
"The opposite of the rabbit?" She clarifies.
"Tell him later."
"Why?"
"Just eat and tell him in the car."
"But I want to tell him now? Why can't I tell him now?"
And she looked so confused and upset, and was looking at me like I was just being a meanie so I said, "Fine. Go ahead." And because there is a God my child simply reached across the table and pointed to the picture of the cock. And Donny looked down and choked on his Crab Rangoon.
All talk of cock was soon forgotten when Donny remarks, "I told the guys at work about that centipede and they all said they would have all reacted the same exact way."
Donny did a little girly dance the other day when a centipede he tried to kill fell off the wall and onto his shirt.
"That's because you work with a bunch of P-U-S-S-I-E-S."
As Kali scrunches up her face trying to decipher the word I quickly spelled, Donny continues, "That thing was like ten inches long."
"No it wasn't! Did you tell them that? You are so full of it. It was like three inches... tops!"
"What's ten inches?" Kali wants to know.
I demonstrate what I believe to be about ten inches with my fingers along the edge of the table.
"Daddy, it wasn't that long. It was about this long." Kali then demonstrates about three inches or so with her fingers.
"After I killed it and it curled up maybe, but when it was alive and crawling it was like ten inches."
"You are so exaggerating."
"I don't know what that means, but I agree with Mommy."
Will Smith and My Period
December 14, 2007
Last night I dreamt that it was this evening and Donny and I had gone to see I Am Legend. I fell asleep before the opening credits were done. So, we went back the next night and the same thing happened. Fed up, that Sunday I decided we'd go to a matinee and I invited Ann Curry from Dateline NBC to go with us. She agreed, but only if she could hang out at the mall while we watched the movie because she had no desire to see I Am Legend. I woke up before we left so I can't tell you if I fell asleep for a third time.
I can tell you that I just spent $31.00 for two movie tickets. We have two tickets to the 7:10 IMAX showing of I Am Legend. For $31.00 you can bet my black ass will be wide a-fucking-wake through the whole damn thing. I'm gonna be able to tell you who the key grip was, the production assistant, costume designer, everybody. Fuck. That.
And for those who were concerned about whether or not I’m pregnant, I'm about 99.9% sure my period will come today. For one,
it was a week ago today that I got this crampy feeling and that's usually how it starts. Also, I consulted my blog yesterday (Yeah, I track my period via blogs; screw a calendar) and I wrote about us going to that hibachi restaurant on Friday, November 9th. I remembered a very uncomfortable ride home that night as I got my period. And my period comes on the same day each month, not date. So, if it was the second Friday in November, it will be the second Friday in December, even if that means that's 35 days apart.
That also means that should it come today before midnight, I will be ovulating approximately two weeks from now on the 28th. Since sperm can live for up to three days they say it's best to start trying in the three days before and after your ovulation date. So, what that basically means is that I should be Fertile Myrtle between the 25th and the 31st.
Now, there are some that recommend you do it every day during that week. But others think that you're diminishing the potency of the sperm by doing that so they opt for the every other day method. I think I like that way better. The last time we tried, when neither method worked, in a fit of desperation we tried it every day of the month. EVERY DAY. After four days I wanted to kill Donny. After six I wanted to give my vagina away. All I got for my troubles was a urinary tract infection.
"It's best that you urinate immediately after intercourse," my doctor informed me. And I sat there on the examination table with the white tissue paper sticking to my ass feeling like that whore of Babylon.
"But... but... all the books say to lay there with your hips up in the air to help the sperm travel."
"If it's going to get there, it's going to get there," said my doctor, who looks like a young Denzel Washington, and suddenly I just wanted my antibiotics and to get the fuck up outta there.
Early signs of pregnancy are very much like getting your period anyway which doesn't help when you're trying and nothing is happening. Mood swings, bloating, sore breasts. In fact, when I was pregnant with Kali my period was only one day late when I found out I was pregnant and I was in complete shock.
"How could you not know?" asked my mother.
"I thought I was getting my period! My boobs are huge!"
Last night my boobs were killing me. They were sitting up saluting the sun, round and full and just sore.
"You look like you got a boob job. They're huge."
"Shut up, Donny."
We played Halo 3 for awhile and then I could no longer take it. "Ooooh God! I just wish I could remove them for awhile. They're so sore and so big and they hurt!"
And what does Donny do? He reached over, cupped and squeezed one. Like a cobra, my hand lashed out and slapped his. Hard.
"Ow!"
"Are you fucking insane?! I tell you my tits hurt and you start twisting and turning like you're trying to get better reception. Fuck off!"
I regretted how nasty I was almost immediately as I realized I needed his help. I had to free my girls from my new bra before I popped a strap.
"Can you please take my bra off? I can't move my arms."
He reaches under my t-shirt, unsnaps the bra and watches as I slip out of it and pull it through my shirt sleeve. I toss it across the room.
"I hate that bra."
"I just bought that bra. It was fifty dollars!"
"Shut up."
Then I notice he's staring at my chest.
"Look at your nipples."
They were poking through my t-shirt like two little beacons directing lost war ships. I hate getting my period. I think I just want to get pregnant so as not to get my period for awhile.
I found out I was pregnant two days later.
WOWser
January 26, 2008
I have crossed over to the dark side.
When Donny called from Best Buy last night to say he'd found the laptop I wanted and asked, "Did you want anything else?" there was a part of me thinking, "Don't say it. Don't even say it. Wait till May when the semester is over and you have a few months till the baby comes to sit on your ass and do nothing."
But I don't even listen to myself.
"If World of Warcraft isn't too expensive, pick it up."
And so it began.
First of all, the game manual for this thing is thick. I've seen thinner bibles. I was thumbing through it when I noticed that Chapter 3 was titled Getting Started. What the hell are Chapters 1 and 2 for? I installed the game while I read this massive tome. When it was done installing I had to wait another two hours for an update patch to install. I fell asleep reading the manual.
At 4am, the baby decided that it was time to get up and once again remind me that for the next six months I am his bitch, and if he wants me to get up at 4am to pee, drink a glass of water, a glass of Sprite, and eat two granola bars, then that's what the fuck I'm going to do. I watched a few minutes of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Meyers on AMC. Then I tapped Donny awake.
"I'm scared to go downstairs."
"Why?"
"Cause I watched this Halloween movie."
"What you go and do that for?"
He groggily goes downstairs consoled by the fact that after I give birth to his child he can proceed with his plan to smother me while I slumber and bury my remains in the backyard. I seriously feel like those being held captive in the movies who know they're only being kept alive because of the information they have. As soon as they give up the code or location, they're toast.
After I ate we couldn't go back to sleep so I decided to play the game. First, I had to create a character and pick a realm. Guys, I've put less thought into getting married, starting a family, and buying my house. There's so much to know and consider. Do I want to be Alliance or Horde? A human, elf, or gnome? Paladin, rogue, or warrior? It took me a good thirty minutes to decide. I finally went with an Alliance rogue dark elf because Mitt Romney said rogues like to fuck shit up from behind and I'm all about fucking shit up from any direction. It's how I roll. Then I had to name my character. I chose Nina and it was taken.
"Who the fuck would take my name?"
"Um, maybe the first of the other 9 million people playing it named Nina."
I dismissed that. I have never met another Nina; therefore, they do not exist. It is a fittingly awesome, beautiful, sexy name. I've only heard it in TV and movies for awesome, beautiful, and sexy characters. If someone in WoW land used it, their real name is probably something unfortunate like Eunice and they jumped on this opportunity to be known by something as awesome as me.
"Use Neeners."
"I'm not using Neeners in World of Warcraft! That's not badass."
"Neither is Nina."
"I beg your fucking pardon. Nina is badass. It's like an assassin."
I went to my old standby from my Sims Online days, Kalina. Taken. Well, fuck. I finally went with another hybrid, Kanina. Available. I let the game pick a realm because I was too overwhelmed to pick one. I start playing and everything was going well. I accepted quests and completed them. I was gaining experience points and leveling up nicely. Until I accepted a quest to find some dude near a spider-infested cave north of Shadowglen. No problem, I thought. I just headed north and kept my eyes peeled for caves and spiders. I finally found the cave, but no sign of old dude.
"He's in the cave."
"No he's not. It says near the cave."
"I'm telling you, he's in the cave."
Why I listened to Donny and took my ass in that cave is beyond me, especially considering a) He's never played World of Warcraft in his life and b) the directions clearly said NEAR the cave. But I took my ass in there and was promptly gang raped by a band of spiders. As my soul appeared in a nearby graveyard and I guided it in the direction of the cave to find my corpse, Donny said, "I told you he wasn't in the cave."
I found my corpse in the middle of a spider circle jerk. When they were done, I resurrected myself and got the hell out of the cave. By this time, my two inventory bags were full so I headed over to the merchants to sell some loot. As I was leaving, I ran into another live player, Elf
inator.
Hey, Kanina.
Hey.
How'd you get to level four?
Uh, I just killed things and completed quests.
Oh. I'm so lost.
Just look for the people with an exclamation mark above their heads and accept quests.
Apparently, he hadn't made it to Chapter 5: Fucking Shit Up.
And go in this door behind me to sell stuff if you need money.
How do I do that?
Right click on them.
Apparently, he had yet to make it to Chapter 4: Buying Shit.
I knew it would be useless, but I asked if he knew where the guy near the cave was anyway. I was right, he was clueless. I left him and ran into another live player, Katy Battlemage, or something like that. She told me she thought the guy was near, not in, the cave as I thought. After some searching, I found his raggedy ass to the left of the cave entrance, up a hill, suffering from a bad spider bite. I'm guessing he took his ass in the cave, too.
Cheez-It Breath Chat
February 2, 2008
I'm having an icky day. Thinking I'm in my second trimester and therefore immune to this ickiness I was surprised to wake up feeling so sick and miserable. Then I read what's going on inside my body for week 13 and I realize that it's a wonder I'm able to function. My poor body is going through it! Of course I was also shocked to read that my second trimester actually begins next week. Ugh! It's all so confusing. Nine months of pregnancy, but you're really pregnant ten months. They don't count when the baby is conceived, but a few weeks prior when you got your last period. My head is spinning.
Anyway, Kali is home from school today and she comes in my room around noon. I'm lying on my left side and she crawls into my bed and lies facing me. She has a box of Cheez-Its and she's munching from it. But they're not ordinary Cheez-Its, but some special flavored ones that Donny bought and they're making me want to vomit.
