by Sky Corgan
“Maybe he just has other things on his mind right now. I doubt he regrets it. Guys love sleeping with virgins.”
“That's what I thought too. Dominick isn't like other guys though. He got really mad when he found out I was a virgin.”
“I don't know what to tell you, Kim. Authors are a strange breed. I wouldn't over think it though.”
“It seems like he's trying to pretend it never happened.”
“I seriously don't know what to tell you,” she repeated, sounding annoyed.
I had hoped talking would make me feel better, that Carmen would have some kind of insight into the way men acted, but it only made me feel worse. The conversation for the rest of the meal shifted toward Victor and whether I thought that Carmen had a chance with him or not. It kind of frustrated me. I was in mental anguish and really needed advice and support, neither of which she was willing to give.
As weird as it was, I really wished I could talk to Tammy about all of this. What would she think though if I told her that I had sex with Dominick? Would she be mad? Would she hate him for it? I didn't want to find out.
In the end, I decided to swallow my misery. If Dominick could pretend like nothing had happened, then so could I. It would be less of a burden on Tammy if I stayed with him. And besides, it wasn't like he was being mean to me. He was just ignoring me. It was no different than before. No different than before, I thought with a sad sigh.
Chapter 5
The week went on as normal. Dominick treated me no differently than he had when I first arrived, and I did my best to pretend like nothing had happened between us, even though it was silently eating me alive. I was never happier when he got called away to another meeting about the film on the following Monday.
There would be no reckless masturbating in his bedroom this time around. That's not to say the desire wasn't there. Even though we kept our distance from each other, I still had a deep yearning for him. The night we had slept together played through my mind like my own personal porno every afternoon before bed.
Oh well. Deep down, I had always known we were never meant to be. I was lucky things had gone as far as they did. Even though he had reacted adversely, I didn't regret losing my virginity to Dominick. He was still the only man whom I felt that had deserved it.
It was time for me to move on though. The dream was over, and reality was calling my name. School was more important than love or sex. I would buckle down with my studies, get my degree, and go on with life. History would repeat itself. As Dominick had only been a stepping stone in my sister's life to get her from point A to point B, so he would be a stepping stone in mine.
While I was glad that he would be gone for a few days, it kind of sucked that it happened during the middle of the week. With the semester in full swing, we had all kinds of homework, so there really wasn't any time to go out after school. I spent the majority of the afternoons doing homework, which left little time for anything else besides watching television. Nothing good seemed to be on though, so I decided to venture into Dominick's office to look for something to read. Romance had never interested me before, but between Carmen gushing about Dominick's books and the new movie deal that was going on, I was a bit curious.
I found Behind Her Green Eyes in the middle of the bookshelf. Part of me groaned as I picked it up, eying the thick spine with apprehension. Do I really want to get into this? Will Dominick get mad at me for reading it? Meh. Who cares? I don't have to read the whole thing, and if he asks about it, I'll just say I was bored and couldn't think of anything better to do.
I took the book to my room, flopping onto my bed as I creased the spine to read the first page. To my surprise, the story was rather captivating, though I got a sick sense of familiarity from it. I found myself staying up past my bedtime to see what would happen next. Then I stowed the book away in my backpack to read between classes.
My heart sank as I read page after page, yet I couldn't put the book down. It was like I was reading the deepest part of Dominick's feelings, invading his privacy all over again.
The story was about a boy and girl from a small farming community. Throughout the girl's life, the boy was always there for her. They grew up together, and he fell deeply in love with her. She didn't feel the same way though, and eventually she ended up moving. The boy was sad. He stuck around their town for a few years until he realized he couldn't ignore his feelings anymore, that he'd never love another woman for as long as he lived. Determined to get the woman back, he tracked her down, but by that time she had already met and fallen in love with someone else. Through good old-fashioned romance, kind words, raunchy sex, and loving reflections, he managed to convince the girl that he was the better choice. At the end of the book, the two got married.
I was thankful I finished the book at home. By the last page, I was sobbing. Not because it was such a happy ending, but because I knew the characters so well, too well. The woman was Tammy. The man was Dominick. And the other potential love interest was Marcus. I could tell that Dominick had poured all of his heart and soul into the pages, bleeding them out like an open wound. This is how he had wanted his life's story to end. But instead, all he had gotten was me.
No wonder he was so distant. Maybe he had only slept with me because I reminded him of Tammy. He would never love me. It would always be her. Only her. For as long as he lived.
That night was absolutely horrible. Negative emotions raged through me, slicing at my heart like a knife. Was I destined to grow up angry and bitter like Dominick had? Sure, we weren't the same people, but I felt the same desire for him that he felt for her. Ever since I first had any sexual inclinations in my mind, they had almost all been about Dominick. And yet, he didn't see me that way. He had never seen me that way. I was pretty sure that even when he was fucking me, he wasn't seeing me that way.
When he returned from the airport the next day, I felt like an empty shell. All day, I had been walking around like a zombie. Carmen and Victor noticed it, and I didn't even have enough emotion left in me to get mad when Carmen blabbed that I had slept with Dominick. On any other day, I would have been furious. I would have thought she was a bitch. Today though, all I could think about was my sorrow for Dominick, and about how I had messed everything up between us by pursuing him. I should have just been happy being Kimlet. That's who he needed me to be, not some replacement for my sister. I would never be her. He would never love me. Those words echoing in my mind were what killed me the most. He would never love me. Part of me felt used, but the other part of me felt like I deserved it. One thing was certain. I wouldn't be able to go on living with Dominick if I didn't talk to him about this.
“Hey,” I said as I stepped into his car that afternoon. For once, the eyes on my back didn't bother me. Then again, people were getting used to seeing his Maserati in the parking lot, so it wasn't as bad as it had been before.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“Bad.”
“Why is that?”
“Can we talk?”
“Did something happen while I was away?” his voice was full of concern.
“No and yes.”
“Tell me.” Dominick put the car in park, turning towards me.
“It's not that bad.” I looked away. “No one broke in or hurt me or anything. We can talk about it when we get home.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I'm sure. Just drive.”
“Alright.” Apprehensively, he put the car in gear and drove out of the parking lot. “I was going to take you out to eat.”
“I'm not hungry.”
He grunted, and we spent the rest of the ride home in silence.
When we walked inside, Dominick immediately sat down on one of the loveseats, looking up at me expectantly. I felt strange and vulnerable under his gaze. All day long, I had been thinking about what I wanted to say, but now my mind was blank. It was a bad time to talk about it, to be honest. He had been on a plane most of the day and was tired, and I was men
tally frazzled.
“Never mind,” I grumbled, walking past him.
“Get back here. You said you wanted to talk, so we're going to talk.”
I stopped before rounding the corner to my room. “I don't feel like it anymore.”
“I don't really feel like it either, but you said you wanted to talk, so let's talk.”
“I'd rather wait until I have my thoughts together.”
“You didn't do anything I'm going to find on the tapes, did you?” he asked disapprovingly.
“It's not that.” I took a few steps back towards the living room and leaned over the other loveseat. “I wanted to talk about what happened between us, but it can wait.”
He shifted uncomfortably. “You didn't make it sound like it could wait.”
“That's because I'm stressed.”
“Well, perhaps we should get this over with.”
“I suppose.” I rounded the corner to sit on the loveseat across from him, his harsh words only filling me with more pain and dread.
“Talk,” he said, crossing his foot over his knee and reclining back.
“I read your book while you were gone.”
“Which one?”
“Behind Her Green Eyes.”
“What of it?”
“It's about my sister, isn't it?”
His jaw tightened, and he stared at me coldly. “What if it is?”
“That's the one that's getting the movie deal, isn't it?”
“I don't see how this relates to what happened between us,” his words were short, catching me off-guard.
My mind was a tangle of exhausted confusion. I wasn't sure what I was saying anymore. Everything was going wrong.
“I'm sorry I lied to you,” I said quickly, grasping for anything that I thought might make things better.
“Why did you lie to me?”
“I already told you. I was worried you wouldn't sleep with me if you knew I was a virgin.”
“I don't know why it was so important to you for us to sleep together.”
“Because I love you.” I looked down, ashamed. He was making me feel like I had tricked him, like I was some kind of villain. “I know you don't love me. I know that. It was never more clear to me than when I read that book. I guess I just hoped.” I paused, avoiding his gaze, “You know, I hate romance books. And even though I realized that book was about you and my sister almost from the start, I couldn't put it down because I could really relate to it. The way you talk about how you felt for my sister, how you yearned for her for so many years. That's how I feel about you. It was weird reading it, like recalling a painful memory. I was watching you chase her all over again. And in my mind, I was chasing you, hoping the two of you didn't end up together.
“That book is your dream, but this reality is mine. When you took me into your bed, I was the happiest girl in the world, even after you got mad at me for lying to you. But I know it was all just a dream. I know that now. I understand you're never going to feel for me what I feel for you. I'm sorry I messed things up by trying to force something that's not there. I wish I could take it back. I really do. I love you, not only romantically, but also as a friend, and I feel like my selfishness has destroyed even my chance to be close to you as a friend.”
Tears welled up in my eyes, spilling over to run down my cheeks. This wasn't good at all. I was a complete emotional mess.
I said the only thing left to say, “I'll call my sister and move. I know I've ruined things between us. I took your generosity and . . .” I busted out into sobs, unable to contain them any longer.
Dominick was by my side in an instant, pulling me into his arms and whispering for me to calm down. His voice was full of sympathy, warm and reminiscent of days past. I wanted it to soothe me, but I felt too shattered to be soothed.
I cried until I had no more tears in me. Dominick rocked me gently in his arms, making me feel like a child. I hate him for it. The best thing for both of us was for me to leave.
I took a deep breath before I straightened myself, my eyes gazing down at the tear stains I had left on his suit. I opened my mouth to apologize again, and he bent forward, claiming my lips.
Before I knew it, Dominick was laying me back on the loveseat, kissing down the side of my neck as his hands deftly climbed beneath my shirt to caress my skin. Each touch of his fingers washed my pain away, replacing it with pleasure.
His tongue flicked across my earlobe, and he whispered softly, “I told you that if you stepped inside my bedroom, there would be no going back.”
It felt like my clothes were melting off of me, like I was a rag doll at the whim of a rough owner. He undressed me with desperation, his mouth finding my naked skin and lavishing affection upon it until it was time to remove the next item of clothing. When my bra came off, I thought I would die from the pleasure of his tongue swirling around my nipple. His breathing was ragged as he sucked and nibbled, causing me to squirm and cry out in sheer sexual bliss.
Dominick tugged off my jeans, kissing up my inner thigh. When he pulled me to the edge of the loveseat and buried his head between my legs, my clit shot off like a firecracker, sending explosive tremors throughout my body. As the contractions subsided, I relaxed, feeling unbelievably satiated but knowing it wasn't over yet.
Dominick straightened himself and began unzipping his pants. I wanted to help him take them off, but I was too nervous to move. He pulled a condom out of his pocket, quickly tore open the wrapper and slid it on his length. Then he tossed the empty package on the table and turned to me, wrapping an arm around my back and drawing me towards him. The look in his eyes was different than I had ever seen before. There was the same lustiness that had been present the night that I lost my virginity, but there was something else there too, something carnal and deep and needy.
He grabbed me by the hips, pulling me further down onto the loveseat for a better angle. Then he looked in my eyes and said, “Last time I was gentle. Tonight, I'm going to fuck you like I mean it.”
The second his glans touched my cunt, my body fired off again. Something about the look in his eyes, the words on his lips, and the feel of his body sent me completely over the edge. My head was spinning, the throbbing between my legs spiraling out of control. When he forced his way inside of me, I had little time to recover before he began thrusting, the friction of our coupling driving me right back up the hill I had just fallen from. I wrapped my arms around him, clawing my nails into the starchy material of the suit, whimpering and moaning from each heavy thrust. His cock was deep inside of me, spreading me, claiming me, and I absolutely loved it.
This was not like my first time at all. My first time had been timid and gentle. Now Dominick was being selfish and impassioned. This was so much better.
He picked me up and laid me down on the floor between the loveseat and the coffee table. Then he crawled on top of me again, guiding himself inside and supporting his weight on his hands while he fucked me senseless. There was a new aching between my legs, not from my hymen ripping but from rough use. Though my clit was throbbing with delight, my cunt was starting to hurt. It was a good kind of hurt though, and I wasn't about to stop him.
Dominick slowed a bit. His eyes scanned over me, his hand coming up to tease one of my nipples. My entire body tensed as his thumb brushed across the sensitive peak, and I groaned, looking at him with lust in my eyes. Dominick's mouth followed his hand, his body bending so that he could suck on my nipple. When he started rotating his hips, grinding his pubic bone against my clit, it was all it took to send me over the edge again. I panted for breath, arching my back slightly as waves of pleasure rolled through me.
Dominick picked up the pace slightly, and within a few short fast strokes, he was stilling, and I knew he had come. I grinned devilishly to myself, thinking about how our orgasms had almost been in sync.
He laid on top of me for a moment, his head turned away from me. The memory of seeing him that way was bad, but I kissed the back of his head, nuzzlin
g my face into his hair. Dominick turned to me then, leaning in for a gentle kiss on the lips before he stood up and offered me his hand. I took it and crawled up onto the loveseat, feeling exhausted, sore, and bowlegged. I hadn't even noticed that my back had gotten rug burn, but damn did it hurt.
Now that we were done having sex, my mind was reeling in confusion. What had come over him? Should I have even let him do that? I felt ashamed that I couldn't resist him. I had just poured my heart out, confessed a sad truth that I was pretty sure I had known from the beginning. And this was his reaction? I didn't understand.
I watched Dominick pull the condom off and take it to the kitchen to dispose of it. Then he disappeared into his bedroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I curled up on the loveseat, waiting for him to return. We needed to talk about this.
The minutes felt like an agonizing forever, and my agitation was growing by the second. What was he doing that was taking so long? Then I heard the shower come on, and I groaned. It was like my first time all over again. The man had no sense of aftercare.
I waited for him, waited for the shower to be over, waited in silence for however long it would take for him to come out of his bedroom. Finally, about an hour later, he re-emerged, looking absolutely delicious in his pajama pants and a muscle shirt. He glanced down at me, his eyes completely devoid of emotion.
“You should take a shower,” he said.
“That's it?” I grumbled, watching him walk past me into his office.
“Mhm,” he replied absentmindedly.
Anger welled up inside of me. I had waited for him for over an hour . . . for that. You should take a shower. I was so confused that I wanted to cry. The tears were coming again; I could feel them. I had thought I had sobbed them all out before, but they were definitely coming.
