“Hallucinations often feel very real, Timothy. We knew that your treatment had risks. There was always the possibility of a relapse or worse.”
“My treatment… then everything that I remember from the last year….everything I saw yesterday…it was all a hallucination?”
Knowledge more than experience has shaped my outlook and opinions on things. I read about the affects a traumatic event can have on the mind. While I believed that my ability to reason, to adapt and to deal with all the different situations I have been part of would prevent me from ever having to worry about that happening to me, there was always doubt.
“It isn't clear. It would be one thing if the fall caused you to forget what happened last night, but to cause you to forget the last year...”
His face told me that even he did not know what could cause such an event. My father’s death at the hands of a drunk driver, I can accept that it could have done something to me, to my mind. What I had to ask was what event could have led to that other world I was in and a total replacement of all my memories of the last year.
“What happened last night?” I asked.
“I believe it started the morning before. You were moved to a less secure room a few weeks ago pending your release. You showed no violent activity and were no longer a danger to yourself so you were allowed more freedom.
Yesterday morning Ashley visited you alone. I thought it was strange because she had never done that before. She brought with her a yellow folder and seamed upset and unwilling to talk to the nurses. Because of your progress there was no reason to keep your sister from visiting you.
She was only in there ten minutes when she stormed out crying. One of the nurses went to check on you and found you sitting calmly on your bed looking over some papers. When the nurse asked if everything was okay you told her that the man who had killed your father was released on a technicality.
You told them that your sister was extremely upset, but that you had already forgiven the man for what he did. They assumed that your sister was not pleased with your reaction to this news. When they notified me I made a note to come check on you before you went to bed just to be sure.
I never was able to come see you. You left your room in the middle of the night and were found roaming the halls. You were screaming out for your family and Christine. When we approached you, you ran, falling down the stairs.
We still need to discuss what happened. Obviously the news did affect you much more than you let on, but why it would retrigger your hallucinations I am not sure. Again, there are tests to be run to make sure there is no hidden physical damage. Once that is done we can return to dealing with the physiological.”
It was all coming together. Sitting up in that hospital bed I tried my hardest to think back over the last year. The news of the accident, the hospital, the funeral and then everything after that was a blur except for two repeated themes.
Aunt Jackie agreed to watch over the case of the man who killed my father. My mother and sister did not want anything to do with it, not even to hear what became of him. I personally understood that, but I wanted to be there when he was sentenced it was not about emotion it was about justice.
My family’s concern began with keeping me from following the case. Even Aunt Jackie kept me away. It was easy enough to keep track of it on my own, but for some reason in that moment I did not. I accepted my family’s advice to let it go. Strangely, there was part of me that admired them for not having their lives consumed by following the man.
I told them that the man did not matter and I did not even want to know his name. That should have been enough, if they and I had been able to move past him, then that part was over. Then why did the remainder of my memories deal with my family’s continued concern over my well-being?
While it was true that since my father’s death things had different was it not expected that things would be that way? My life was complicated long before and my beliefs were already established. Was I really that different? In the end all that analyzing did not matter. Those memories were false, that life a lie.
“I was searching for my family and for Christine. But...I never had any problems like this before. I've always been able to deal with any problem and adapt to it. I remember a few months ago my sister found me unconscious on the bathroom floor. They told me I slipped and fell coming out of the shower, but something just didn't feel right. I put it out of my mind, but now that you've told me that all those memories are false... How is it possible for me to have a break down so severe that it would cause me to have these delusions?”
The more I talked about it out in the open the more I remembered from the last year, but I was still confused, unsure of what was real and what was not.
“We all would like to believe that we can deal with any situation. Men especially have a problem admitting to having emotional and mental problems. Often we feel that showing emotion shows weakness and we are even expected to keep everything bottled inside. Beyond that, people in general have a tendency to lie to themselves. They convince themselves they are okay when that is the farthest from the truth.”
When you are all alone and the only voice you hear is your own, you find out the truth about yourself. Whether Ashley’s words were from a real memory or not they rang through more than ever at that moment. Regardless of everything else we were back to the number one issue, what we all are searching for.
“The truth…Doctor Leafs, with all these false memories mixed in with the real ones how do I know what the truth is?”
“In many cases, Timothy, people who suffer from delusions and hallucinations recall real events. However, they remember them differently than it actually happened. Your family and Christine visited you many times and it's possible you took those real events that occurred here and modified them. An example, you had a picnic on the grounds with Christine a few weeks ago. That was a real event, but you would believe that event happened differently and in another location.”
He was right. I remembered having a picnic with Christine in Lincoln Park near the duck pond. She wanted to go to the zoo, but I did not even want to be outdoors. She just sat there looking at me. Her eyes were saying that she had lost me. I caused her so much pain. It is no wonder that my mind would create a situation where she was going to leave me.
“So...what happens now, Doctor?”
“If you're ready we continue the treatment. We made progress in the past and with a few refinements I believe we can cure you permanently. The key is that you are ready to accept the treatment and believe in the world you are in now.”
I was told that I have a great mind, a mind that can think things through in many different ways simultaneously. It was the reason I was a gifted student and top of my class. I was also told that when a part of you is too strong the rest of you could become weak. I believed that meant the body so I kept physically fit, but now I know what they really meant.
The flowers Christine brought me smelled so sweet. If the choice was between a world burning down around me and me being trapped alone in it or admitting that my emotions lead to a mental breakdown then there was no choice.
“I don't want to live like this, in here. I thought that I could... I was wrong. I want to get better. I'll do whatever it takes if you can help me.”
“You are helping yourself, Timothy. By accepting the truth and asking for help you are already on your way to recovery.”
He squeezed my arm and smiled. It comforted me. Dr. Leafs took the chart from the nightstand; he stood and walked toward the door then stopped and turned around.
“Christine arrived an hour before you woke up. She has been waiting to see you. I'm sorry I kept this from you until now, but I needed to know your mental as well as physical condition. I need to speak to Doctor Stormed and there will need to be some tests before we restart your treatment. For now just rest and I'll check back in on you later.”
He left and it felt as if he took many of my burdens with him. I did not c
are that he had kept Christine from me, to know that she was there and that she had stuck with me was all that mattered. I felt a happiness I had not known in a long time. I was prepared to rethink everything, change who I was and who I wanted to be.
I heard the door handle turn; my heart began to race and for the first time that I could remember it felt wonderful. Any remaining doubt and uneasiness was burned away when Christine entered the room. I squeezed my hands together quickly closing then opening my eyes.
Seeing me a look of relief and joy came over her face. Christine smiled; she rushed over to me tears rolling down her face. Her smell was sweeter than the flowers. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly. It was warm, soft, and real.
“They wouldn't tell me much. I didn't know what happened to you. I was so worried.”
I did not want to let her go. To hold her there forever would have been fine. They say you do not appreciate what you have until it is gone. I lived that. Fortunately, it was in my mind and I was given another chance, a chance to be who I should have been.
“I love you so much, Christine. I'm sorry…for everything.”
She pulled away taking the warmth with her. Her eyes searched mine looking for the man she loved. She opened her mouth to speak; I pulled her back into my arms and pressed my lips against hers. I had seen, smelled, touched and now tasted. Everything was as it should have been.
“I love you, Timothy. If nothing else please know that.”
She held me tighter and took in a deep breath.
“Timothy, you said ‘I’m sorry’. Sorry for what?”
This time it was I who let go. I felt shame for how I had been. Though I did not remember specifically what I had done, I knew I did not show her the love she had shown me. I hung my head. I did not want to look in her eyes. I did not believe I deserved to.
“I've put everyone through so much. I didn't mean to cause you so much pain, not over me.”
She grabbed hold of my chin lifting my eye level to hers.
“You have nothing to be sorry for Timothy. There have been times I felt I wouldn't make it. Everyone feels pain that's why we have loved ones to help take it away. That's why we are all here for you and we always will be.”
I could tell she did not know the extent of what had happened to me. Part of me wanted not to tell her, but that would be something I would have done in the past.
“I thought I lost you...lost everyone.” I began.
As soon as I spoke those words, her smile disappeared. She cupped my face in her hands, the concern on her face was apparent. I felt horrible for taking her smile away.
“It happened again...you being all alone?”
All of this because of me, because of the way I chose to handle certain things. The pain I brought to others because of my unwillingness to accept it myself. I did not even remember truly crying when my father died, but at that moment I felt it. My emotions were at the brink, about to overflow. Then Christine’s smile returned as she brushed her hand down my face.
“I'm here and your mom and Ashley are on the way. We're not going away Timothy. Never forget that.”
She pardoned me for any crimes I committed against her, but the jury in my mind was still out. I stood from the bed, my feet coming to rest against the cold floor.
“I was so stupid.” I whispered.
I felt Christine’s finger glance across my back as I stood up from the bed. Her gasp called me back to her, but I needed to stand, to think. I walked over to the window and stuck my face in a ray of sunshine. I looked out over the courtyard and fully understood what my train of thinking had brought me.
“I just wanted to look outside. I needed to see that there were people out there. I know this is real and where I should be Christine. I would have never made it in that other world. Not without my family, my friends, not without you. This time I will get better, with you by my side I can…”
She was gone; in an instant she was gone. I had only looked away for a moment and in that moment my nightmare had returned. My eyes searched the room a hundred times in a second. Terror was already wrapping itself around me, strangling me.
“Christine!” I screamed.
My screams bounced off the walls. I returned to the bed. I fell to my knee checking beneath it. I stood up quickly and the room began to spin. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on this reality, to bring myself back.
“Please God no! This isn't real! This isn't real!!!”
I opened my eyes, the room was darker, the ray of sunlight gone. I rushed to the door slamming my fist against it screaming out in anger and fear.
“Help me!”
I ripped the door open and ran out into a long hallway. The defining echo of silence had returned. The hallway was only lit with emergency lighting. My eyes scanned the nurse’s station it was devoid of life. It was not clear if I had crossed over back into that other world or if I was still in reality, but my mind prevented my eyes from seeing.
“Please, if someone is there help me! Don’t leave me here!”
The whirling sound of the computer fan coming from the nurse’s station told me they were on. My body began to grow weak. My life felt as if it was being drained from me. The grip, ever so slight as it had been on reality was slipping away.
They were still there. I believed it with my very being. A fire extinguisher sat on the wall adjacent to the nurse’s station. I took it off its hook and lifted it above my head. If I was disappearing then I had to get their attention and I was running out of time.
Using the last of my strength, I threw the fire extinguisher through the glass window surrounding the nurse’s station. Out of the energy even to stand I fell to my knees. The window shattered showering me with shards of glass.
Falling on my side I began to shake. Bleeding from multiple cuts, tears flowing from my eyes I prayed I would die. My breathing was rapid, but my heart beat was slowing. I rolled onto my back; I could not even focus on the ceiling above. Reality was spinning into darkness taking me with it.
“Don't...don't send me back, please...just let me die.”
Fractured
Learning to exit my dreams did not bring an end to my nightmares. Even when the lights in my room would turn on and I could hear my sister talking to her friends on the phone, some mornings, I felt as if the nightmares followed me into the waking world. There was a stain left on my soul from the events in my dreams. At times I did not even remember what the dream was about, but what I did know and what I would feel throughout the day was that a piece of me was taken during the night and was never returned, that is a nightmare you can never awaken from.
I did not want to open my eyes. The cold floor, the chilling feeling surrounding my body and the aching pain coursing through me told me where I had returned to. How long I laid there I could not say. When I finally opened my eyes a light shining from the top of the stairs surprised me. It did not seem normal; it was calling me to it. That calling aside, I did not want to continue. Why should one keep going if heaven is the dream and hell is reality?
There was no figure standing over me, whatever I saw or did not see was gone. I pulled myself to my feet. I did not want to think about what I had just been through. All I wanted was to reach the top of the stairs and find the source of the light. Each step caused a radiating pain throughout my body. I would say that it was due to the fall, but I felt it was much more than that.
At the top of the stairs I could see the light was coming from the first classroom on the left. The hallway was dark. There were no other lights, not even the emergency ones I had seen in the basement before. I entered the classroom and found the source of the light. A street lamp outside in the distance, there was nothing calling me to it. Once again something inside me was playing games and I was tired of it.
It was not just anger, I wished that was all it was. Maybe then I could reason myself out of it, but it was a feeling I knew was coming, I just did not expect it to arrive so soon. Despair, outside the win
dow the clear night sky brought me no comfort. Lights from the street lamps, homes and businesses shined as if they were occupied, but the silence was still there.
I looked out over the courtyard to the street; my mind had nothing of value to tell me. Exhausted in every sense of the word I slid down the wall and sat on the ground. My head resting against my knees I blamed the tears flowing from my eyes on fatigue. Lying to myself was the first sign that I was losing my mind.
I have always had the ability to think things through, to rationalize as a fall back to any issue or situation I encountered. My unchecked emotions were not allowed to blur the lines between what I knew was the truth and what I wanted the truth to be. To me, adaptation was about dealing with the situation even if you did not fully understand it, but with the notion that in time with concentrated thought all the answers would be revealed.
Sitting there in that empty classroom lifting my head from my knees I looked at the empty desks through eyes blurred by tears and a mind unsettled by the memories, dreams and hallucinations I had been a victim to. I was broken, it had not been twenty-four hours since this had begun and I was already defeated. Unfortunately, I did not know how to properly surrender.
It was several moments of true silence in my mind before thoughts began to come through again. A reboot, Christine called it. It was a technique her grandmother taught her. Christine had anxiety attacks when she was younger. Her grandmother believed that mental and physiological issues could be solved through meditation and thought control.
While I credited Christine’s grandmother for believing in thought control I tried my best to ignore her meditation advice. That was until Christine helped me clear my mind. Not long after Jonathan and I had our final argument I showed up at her door extremely upset. Later she told me she had never seen me like that before. I did not even realize how upset I was. My thoughts were clouded with conversations Jonathan and I have had and what exactly had gone wrong.
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