He had told her they could have a relationship without being tied down, but she wasn’t going to play that game. For her, it was all or nothing.
• • •
They drove a few hours, stopping to play and explore every few miles before deciding to stop for the evening. Jake found a quaint hotel for the night. They ate at a small sandwich shop for dinner, then strolled past town and up a forested hiking path on the mountains.
Twilight dusted the summer sky with the promise of cooler weather. Winona shivered as a breeze whistled through the forest. She’d brought a light jacket, but it wasn’t heavy enough as the sun lowered.
“Do you see those clouds?” Winona asked Amy as she walked along the path beside her. “Don’t they look like marshmallows being roasted in a fireplace? The sky is the hearth with the orange-blue flames of the setting sun.”
Amy laughed. “What an imagination you have, Whiny!”
“Whiny?”
“Yep,” Amy stated matter-of-factly, her steps keeping up with Winona and Jake. Her chest puffed out. “That’s my new nickname for you.”
“Why? Because I whine a lot?”
Amy shrugged. “Not really. But I thought it sounded cute. Ooh, we could call you Whining Eagle.” Amy guffawed at her joke and Winona’s heart swelled.
Jake chuckled and ruffled Amy’s hair. Looping his elbow with Winona’s and taking Amy’s hand, he said, “Let’s head back to the room before it gets dark and cold.”
“It’d be fun to roast marshmallows.”
“Yes, it would,” Jake said. “And the hotel has an outdoor fire pit. Maybe we can do that.”
“Yes! Can we?” Amy broke free of Jake and skipped along the path a few feet ahead, flapping her arms like a butterfly.
Winona went to the convenience store around the corner for s’mores makings, and Jake had the fire ready when she returned. They sat outside under the moonlight, and Amy had more fun roasting the marshmallows than she did eating them. Soon she dozed off on the chair beside them. As soon as they stood to go in, she bounced out of her chair, wide awake.
“It’s time to go in, babe,” Jake said. “You want me to carry you?”
Amy nodded. “Can I take a shower in the morning? I’m too tired tonight.”
“Of course,” Winona said, glancing at Jake for approval. He smiled, and her heart lifted out of her chest much like those butterfly wings Amy had mimicked earlier.
What would it be like to have a child together? And why in the world was she thinking such thoughts? They seemed to want the same things, agree on the same issues. For the most part. But they’d never discussed a relationship outside of what they had right now. The time spent with Jake and Amy filled a hole in her chest she’d never thought to seal, but it wasn’t a solid fill. Amy would be gone, and Jake right after. That seal would break, seep, explode, and there was nothing she could do to keep it mended.
She didn’t want this to end. How must Jake be feeling?
She knew how Jake was feeling. He fought this down to the last second, imagining ways he could fix this situation to his advantage. He’d called Lillian and asked for a few more days, but she’d told them it was time for Amy to come home. School would be starting soon, and she needed to be ready.
So here they were. Taking Amy home. Jake had managed to hide his anxiety from Amy and make the best of their last few days together.
Amy wanted Winona to stay in bed with her until she fell asleep. And where else would she go? She didn’t feel right being in bed with Jake, and there were only two beds. Jake showered and as she lay beside Amy with the lamp burning, darkness nearly consumed her.
She thought about the family who had hired her to find their missing child. Many, many families lost their children, but this family had trusted her to find their daughter. She had failed.
Jake said it wasn’t her fault. Maybe she hadn’t kidnapped the child, but she’d let her emotions take over when she should have stifled those emotions to search for a little girl.
She’d gotten good at stifling emotions.
She’d fallen in love with Amy. Losing Amy was like losing a large piece of herself, and that was only losing her back to her mom, where Amy would live. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t see her again. Or did it? When Winona and Jake parted, which she suspected would happen soon once he returned to his life, she’d never see either of them again. She’d go back to her life and play along in a persona of contentment.
She’d gotten good at that, too.
Her chest ached. Her nose burned. She heard the water shut off. Jake stepped out of the shower. She imagined him toweling off. Imagined herself meeting him in the bathroom for a fun romp on the counter.
She sniffled, heat swelling her chest. Even if she wanted to cry, her tears had long since dried up. Reality was that she had to face reality, and crying wasn’t an option. Tears wouldn’t fix things, heal things, or make her feel any better about what was inevitable. Tears would only clog her throat, stiffen her chest, and give her a raging headache.
Winona stroked Amy’s hair and studied the child as she snored softly beside her. She prayed Jake wasn’t right about Lillian. Prayed Amy’s mother only had her best interests at heart. She knew bad parents existed, but it was hard to believe Lillian was one when Amy was such a beautiful, well-mannered, and loving child. That couldn’t have been all Jake and Brandon’s doing.
Jake emerged from the bathroom, wearing only shorts. Winona turned her head to meet his gaze. His eyes glittered. He bounced into the other bed and grabbed the remote.
“Mind if I watch TV a bit?”
“Not at all.”
“Want to come lie with me awhile and watch with me?”
She rolled out of bed and into his. He spooned her, laying his chin on the top of her head as he flipped through the channels. Snuggling in bed and watching movies was something couples did together. It made her feel like a couple. Her heart trotted a path to her toes.
“A zombie flick?” Winona squawked in a loud whisper when he landed on a movie with corpses walking around.
“Yes. Isn’t this perfect?” He snuggled closer and bumped his hips to hers. “This one is when zombies were like stupid dead people and not superhuman killing machines.”
“Ugh. Who watches this crap?”
“Woman, if you’re gonna hang around me, you’re watching this crap.”
He chuckled at something on the screen. She closed her eyes and reveled in his rumble. Her heart rumbled in turn.
She woke later that night to find the TV off and the light still on. Jake snored softly beside her. She shifted out of his arms and crawled out of his bed to the other. She didn’t want Amy to wake in the morning and find them like that.
If Jake was right, Amy would have plenty of bad influences. Winona didn’t want to be one of them.
• • •
They were inseparable over the next few days. Jake took them to Glacier National Park and other state parks along the way. They went sightseeing, hiking, camping, and shopping. Amy didn’t want to buy herself anything except a pair of flip-flops. She picked out gifts for Reagan, Garret, Chayton, Naomi, and her mother. She chose something for Winona when she wasn’t around and Jake when he wasn’t around. They ate more marshmallows and sang campfire songs.
And then it was time to take her home.
That morning, Amy insisted on fixing herself up for her mother and begged Winona for hairspray to fix her hair. Jake’s heart grew heavy as he watched Winona helped Amy curl her hair. Then they spent another thirty minutes doing a photo-shoot with Winona’s phone. Jake put the inevitable off for as long as he could but finally, after three texts from Lillian asking when he was going to arrive, they checked out of the hotel.
Jake slowed the truck as they neared Lillian’s house. Amy chattered on about staring school soon; her only woe was she hadn’t spent much time with her school friends this past summer and she hoped everyone at school still liked her. She sounded like a well-adjusted kid who
hadn’t been kidnapped, just lost her father, and was about to lose Jake.
Jake’s heartbeat grew heavy and sluggish with every mile. Maybe she wouldn’t remember her dad. Maybe she wouldn’t remember Jake. But Jake would never forget her.
Winona laughed with her, asking her about her favorite subjects, assuring her that the kids would be just as happy to see her as she was them and those kids were just as nervous. Their chatter kept him grounded, kept him from pulling over, turning around, and running.
He did not want to do this.
His truck smelled like marshmallows and hairspray. Leftover marshmallows were smooshed into the package Jake hadn’t had the heart to throw away when Amy said she might still want some. His gut twisted at the combined scent of his truck, Amy’s powder clean smell, and Winona’s musky lavender fragrance.
They pulled into the drive, and Lillian stepped out the door and waved. Amy didn’t rush out of the truck to greet her mother like he’d expect a child to do after being away for a couple of weeks. Then again, her life had been a mess ever since Brandon and Lillian’s break-up.
Jake’s head constricted, spiraling into terrors of what might happen, trumping into a black void.
Amy wasn’t his child, and there was nothing he could do to keep her with him. Never mind the fact he’d been a part of Amy’s life since birth. Even though Brandon had been the one to mend him, Amy’s birth had been a contributing factor. He wanted to be a part of something special, like being an uncle to this little girl. In his drunken daze, he would never have considered having a child but after Amy’s birth, he’d realized he would like a child of his own one day.
Too late. Grief consumed him, overwhelmed him, and there was no going back to a future he might have had. All of Brandon’s ministrations were for naught. As soon as Amy walked out of his life, all bets were off.
He gripped the steering wheel with cold fingers as chills spread through his cramping limps. He fought for control as dizziness consumed him.
“Uncle Jake? Are we just going to sit here?” Amy’s voice, soft and guileless, spurred the receding chills to blast inside his head.
He wanted to sit right here. Never wanted to open the door to the truck that would lead Amy away from him. Once he did, Amy would be back with Lillian and he would have no choice but to figure out his next move. Plan for a future that no longer looked promising.
“Uncle Jake?” Concern etched her voice, and he felt bad about worrying her.
“I suppose not.” His voice cracked, his words feeling like a large blister in his throat.
He opened the door, stepped out, and removed the luggage. Amy grabbed a bag Naomi had given her as a going-away present, but Lillian came up to hug Amy before she could carry it up to the house.
“My baby girl. I missed you so much.” Lillian dropped to one knee and wrapped her arms around her daughter. “Look at how much you’ve grown!” Lillian stood and nodded at Jake. “How was the trip?” she asked when no one seemed to have anything else to say.
“Good,” Jake managed. Rage bubbled within him when Lillian didn’t comment on Amy’s hair. She and Winona had meticulously curled it this morning.
Amy tossed her head to and fro as if waiting on a comment from her mother. Finally, she tugged on her shirt hem. “Did you see my hair?”
Lillian glanced at her and touched Amy’s curls. “Oh, baby, that’s darling.”
“Winona helped me curl it this morning.”
Lillian tossed a glare at Winona and dropped her hand from Amy’s hair. “Well, the hairspray will be a pain to wash out.”
Amy’s face fell as they all carried luggage up to the house—all but Lillian, who hadn’t bothered to grab a bag. Lillian stopped at the door, stiffened, and turned. Her gaze was fevered, face tight, and her eyes landed everywhere but on him.
“We’ve got it from here,” she said.
Jake dropped the luggage on the porch. “If you’ll open the door, we’ll tote the luggage inside,” Jake said with as much civility as he could muster. “No biggie.”
She clutched the handle of the largest suitcase. “No, thanks. Leave it on the porch. We’ve got it from here. Amy, give your uncle Jake a big hug before he leaves.”
Amy dropped her bag and flew into Jake’s arms, hugging him for a long time. He swallowed a sob but soon Amy switched gears and flew into Winona’s arms. As she watched her with Winona, Lillian rocked back on her heels, her mouth tightening.
Jake kneeled to the ground. Amy hugged him again. “I’m going to miss you,” he told her, his voice gravely and pitchy.
Amy danced out of his reach, unaffected, and then ran into his arms. “I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll see you next weekend, won’t I?”
His gaze snapped to Lillian.
“Amy,” Lillian said when Amy wouldn’t let Jake go. “I have cookies and juice on the counter. Run along. I need to speak with Uncle Jake.”
Amy’s eyes didn’t brighten at the mention of cookies as they had when she and Winona had baked them. Her shoulders sagged. Lillian tousled Amy’s hair and said, “I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Okay. Bye, Jake. Winona. See you next week. Love you guys,” she said, all adult-like.
And then she was gone. Lillian closed the door, shutting Jake and Winona outside, and Amy inside. Jake’s hands grew sweaty, numb. He clenched them in an attempt to hold himself together.
Lillian wasted no time. “We’re moving.”
Cold flushed down Jake’s back, filling his chest as white heat flared over his face. “Moving? Where?”
“To Alabama.”
“Alabama.” He spat out the word, unbelieving yet unsurprised at Lillian’s continuous selfishness. “What the fuck is in Alabama?”
“I have friends there who gave me a good job, and it’s a safe place. I need to keep Amy safe.”
He glanced at Winona, back to Lillian. “You can’t take her to Alabama.” His voice faltered between desperation and outrage. He stepped forward, but the heat behind his eyelids kept him grounded. “That’s, what, two thousand miles away?”
“We’re going. My mind is made up.”
Jake’s vision blurred. Pain took root in his gut, sprouting in his chest, rupturing from the top of his head. Ash coated his tongue, burning into embers down his throat and making it impossible to breathe. He wanted to kill her. It’d be easy right now. Kill her and take Amy somewhere safe.
“You can’t … you can’t …”
Winona placed her hand on his shoulder, but it felt like a cold corpse touching him. He didn’t want her calm, didn’t want her comfort. He shook her off.
“I’m filing for custody,” Jake said.
Lillian laughed, the witchy shrill splicing deep into his wounds. “You go ahead and do that.”
• • •
A deep emptiness settled in the pit of Jake’s stomach, nesting in his mind like a dark hangover. Sapping his energy, his strength, his resolve to fight. As the house grew distant in the rearview mirror, his desperation decayed any rational thought.
He fought the urge to turn around and go to her. A little girl whose life was orchestrated by the adults around him. Lillian would only call the cops and drama would ensue. He didn’t want to be one of those adults who scarred her.
He could kidnap her. Run away somewhere no one would ever find them. But what kind of life would that be for her? She had to go to school and live a normal life, or as normal as she could. He wasn’t some sick twisted freak, and that was what everyone would think. Maybe even her, if they brainwashed her to think so.
He eased onto the freeway, his truck joining the fray of vehicles. Conforming to a world that wasn’t meant to win, only survive. He didn’t want to survive. He’d survived the twisted cavities of hell and was so tired of the struggle.
He belted his hands against the steering wheel. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
This feeling like the claws of darkness gripped him, overtook him before each downward spiral to addiction. But it’d b
een eight long years since he’d succumbed. Eight years of resisting that need, that longing, that enslavement unlike anything he would ever experience again.
But now the only thing that would ease this desperation was to surrender.
He passed the bright lights of promise and nearly exited the freeway to pull into a bar when Winona’s palm settled on his lap. “I’m sorry, Jake.”
Her words flashed across his mind, helping him to see reason. He couldn’t help Amy if he was passed out in the slimes of hell. He had to stay sober.
He took a deep breath and kept driving. The city eventually gave way to country. Buildings turned to trees. The valley stretched beyond the road, representing the dips of his heart. The sun sank lower in the sky, skipping across the road in sporadic patterns.
“Dammit,” he said.
“You can still travel to see Amy. It’s not like she’s moving to a foreign country.”
“Lillian is taking her away from family who loves her and taking her away from everything she knows. The only reason she let me see Amy this last time was because of Garret. Lillian set her sights on him and thought he was interested. Then she found out he was married. Hell, she told him he wasn’t welcome back at her house when he came with me to pick up Amy. Can you imagine what she’d do if she knew he was an ex-fed?”
“Lillian isn’t going to hide her away from her family. She promised to let you see her once they get settled. People learn to adjust. Amy will adjust. You’ll adjust.”
“I won’t fucking adjust until she’s back where she needs to be.”
“And where is that, Jake? With her father? He’s dead.”
Jake gripped the steering wheel as fury choked him. His vision grew hazy, and his breath felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He cut across the yellow line, onto the other line of traffic, and jerked the wheel back into his lane.
“Pull over,” Winona demanded.
“No.”
“Pull the fuck over, Jake. I’m not going to ride with you when you’re this upset.”
“So, what, you’re going to drive? Maybe I don’t want to ride with you when you’re this angry.”
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