by Joan Wolf
She reached a hand up to push a stray strand of hair away from her eyelashes.
“You’re going to have to go, Dee,” he said, his voice sounding harsh even to his own ears. “Rumford would not like it at all if he knew you were sitting on my bed with the door closed.”
She stared at him. They remained like that for a long moment, their eyes locked together. His whole body was taut and trembling, he wanted her so much. At last she said a little breathlessly, “He wouldn’t care. He knows we’re friends.”
“My feelings for you are not those of a friend. You know that. It’s not fair to Rumford for you to be here, and it’s not fair to me. Go back to bed, Dee, and I’ll see you in the morning. Your mission is accomplished. I am not drinking. Good night.”
She looked at him with a strange uncertainty in her eyes.
If she didn’t leave immediately, he wouldn’t be able to answer for the consequences. “Good night,” he repeated firmly.
She stood up. “Good night.”
She tightened the sash around her waist, paused as if she would say something else, then turned slowly and went out the door.
Diana’s sleep was restless, filled with troubled dreams that she couldn’t recall when she woke up. She went down to breakfast heavy-eyed and a little late, and found herself alone in the dining room. When the butler came in with fresh tea, she asked him where everyone was.
He put the teapot down on the table and turned to her. He looked worried. “Oh, Miss Sherwood, there’s a fire in the stable! That’s where everyone has gone.”
“Oh no!” Diana cried. She jumped up abruptly, knocking over her chair, and ran for the door. As soon as she was out of the house she could see the flames shooting up in the air from the stable area. The loft of the stable had been filled with hay, she remembered. They would never extinguish that kind of fire.
Dear God, she thought with panic. I hope they managed to get the horses out!
She began to run as fast as she could down the stable path. The smoke grew thicker the closer she got to the burning building. Some men had formed a line to the pond and were throwing water on the conflagration, but Diana could see that it was a futile effort. The hay and the wooden stalls would burn themselves out and leave only the stone shell of the building standing. At least some of the horses had been saved. Diana heard their terrified whinnying as grooms held them on lead ropes in the smoky courtyard. Diana’s frightened gaze scanned the gathered faces, but she didn’t see either Edward or Alex. Panic shot like a knife through her heart. She asked one of the grooms, dodging his horse’s flailing hooves, “Where are Lord Rumford and Lord Standish?”
“They’re in the stable, miss,” the groom replied, coughing. “They went in to get the last two horses. But the fire has got so bad, I don’t know if they’re going to be able to get out. Part of the loft has come down.”
Part of the loft has come down. No! Diana screamed in her head. No! This can’t be happening! It can’t be!
The smoke was so dense that it was becoming difficult to see. The stable looked like an inferno. She stared at it in frozen horror. He’s in there, she thought. Alex is in there. Dear God, dear God, dear God, what am I going to do?
“Diana!” Her mother’s voice seemed to come from a great distance. “Where is Rumford?” Louisa asked.
“He and Lord Standish are in the stable,” the groom replied when Diana didn’t answer. “They went in to get the last two horses.”
“Oh no!” Louisa cried.
I told him I didn’t love him. He’s going to die and I told him I didn’t love him. Diana couldn’t turn away from the sight of the brilliant orange flames leaping high into the sky. How can I live if I lose him? I can’t lose him. Save him for me, God. Save him and I will be so good, I promise I will be so good, God. Oh please save him…
She took two steps toward the barn, as if she would go in after him, but her mother grabbed her arm.
“You can’t do anything, darling! The fire is too intense.”
For a moment she stared at her mother’s hand on her arm, not seeming to know where it came from. The horse next to her reared up and she didn’t even try to get out of its way. Her eyes went back to the flames and she pressed her hands to her mouth. The smoke was growing thicker by the minute.
I don’t even have his baby. He thinks I hate him.
There came the sound of a horse screaming from inside the stable. “Noooooo!” Diana screamed back in anguish.
Her mother put an arm about her waist, as if to physically restrain her. The flames were shooting impossibly high.
If he dies, then I want to die, too. How can I live without him?
Suddenly two loose horses erupted out of the stable, galloping hard. Grooms ran to try to catch them.
The horses made it out! Diana stared frantically through the smoke at the stable door. Surely, surely….
Then, holding their coats over the lower parts of their faces, two figures appeared, running through the stable door. Rumford and Alex had made it out.
His name tore itself from Diana’s throat.
“Alex!” she screamed. “Alex!” She ran as if all the hounds of hell were at her feet and threw herself into his smoke-stained arms. “Thank God! I thought you were dead!” She began to sob, deeply and uncontrollably. “I thought you were dead.”
He was coughing, but his arms came up to hold her.
“Dee,” he managed to say thickly. “I’m all right, Dee. I’m all right.”
Her arms were around his neck in a stranglehold. She said through her sobs, “They said the loft fell! I thought you were trapped!”
“It fell behind us. It didn’t block our way to the door.”
His voice was sounding stronger and he wasn’t coughing so much.
“Thank God you’re safe,” she said. “Oh thank God!”
They stood locked together for a long minute, while the building burned and the frightened horses milled around. Diana continued to cling to him and sob. Over her head, Alex’s eyes slowly went to Rumford.
The earl’s face was as black with smoke as Alex’s, and his stricken gaze was looking at Diana, whose arms were still wound tightly around Alex’s neck.
There was a long silence as the two men regarded each other. Everything seemed to drop away from Alex; the fire, the horses, the bustling grooms. All he knew was the feel of Diana in his arms and the look in Rumford’s eyes.
“Dee,” Alex said softly.
Diana lifted her streaming face and followed the direction of Alex’s eyes. She struggled to compose herself. “E-Edward.” Slowly she relaxed her grip on Alex’s neck, but her hand sought his and she clutched it tightly as she turned to face her fiancé. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know…I didn’t realize….”
Rumford looked around at the fascinated grooms. “Turn these horses out in the paddocks and inspect every one of them for injuries,” he snapped.
The stable yard emptied quickly, leaving only Rumford, Alex and Diana. Louisa and Sir Gilbert thoughtfully retired to the house. The fire continued to burn. The men had ceased their fruitless attempt to throw water on the raging flames.
Rumford said to Diana. “Standish is the man, isn’t he?” His voice was hoarse from the smoke he had been inhaling. “He’s the man you told me about.”
“Yes,” she said softly. “He is.”
“And you still love him?”
“Yes,” she said again. “I was so angry with him that I didn’t know it. But now…” she looked up at Alex and tightened her grip on his fingers. “Now I do.”
She had told Rumford about him, Alex thought wonderingly. She still loved him. His heart felt so full he thought it was going to burst.
“I see,” Rumford said. The stricken look had not left his eyes.
“I wasn’t lying to you, Edward!” Diana said passionately. “I do love you. You are so good and kind and steady. You are exactly the kind of man that I thought I wanted. I thought I was finished wit
h Alex. I truly did.”
“I thought that, too,” Alex said. He made an effort to steady his voice. “Dee knew that I still loved her, but she kept telling me that we were finished. I never dreamed…” For a moment his voice broke. Then he said more firmly, “I’m only sorry that my happiness comes at your expense, Rumford.”
“You don’t deserve to be made unhappy again, Edward,” Diana said tearfully. “I feel so terrible about this. But I wasn’t lying to you. Truly I wasn’t.”
“I suppose it was better to find this out now, rather than after we were married,” Rumford said bitterly.
God, yes, Alex thought.
Diana bowed her head.
“I will send a notice to the papers,” Rumford said. Diana said miserably. “I am so sorry to have made you the subject of gossip. All of this is my fault.”
Rumford said even more bitterly, “It’s my fault, for thinking a girl over twenty years younger than I am could love me.”
There came a crashing sound as the whole roof of the stable collapsed. The heat and smoke in the stable yard intensified.
“Don’t think that way!” Diana cried. “If it wasn’t for Alex, I would have loved you very much. I still do care about you, Edward. And I am so very sorry to have brought this sorrow upon you.”
Rumford shut his eyes, looking every minute of his age. He opened them again and said evenly, “Do you know, it’s still early. I think it would be a good thing if you all left. You could be back in London by late afternoon.”
“We’ll do that,” Alex replied quickly. He was as anxious to be gone as Rumford was to have them go. “You won’t have to worry about having to face us any further, Rumford. Like Dee, I am sorry that you have been hurt. You’re a good man.”
He could say that now that Diana was no longer going to marry him.
“Before you go, let me thank you for helping to rescue my horses,” the earl said painstakingly.
“I was happy to assist.” Alex turned his head. “Come along, Dee. We’ll tell your mother and Sir Gilbert and get packed up.”
“Edward, I….” Diana looked at him, as if she wished there was something she could do or say that would make this easier for him. “Goodbye,” she whispered at last.
“Goodbye, Diana,” he returned steadily.
Alex tugged gently on her hand. “Come along, Dee.”
Diana’s fingers clung to his.
Together they left the stable yard and returned to the house.
Thirty
Diana rode home with Alex in his phaeton. The weather was a little overcast, but Diana’s heart was so light that it seemed to her as if the whole world was bursting with sunshine.
They talked about the things that had kept them apart.
“It was all my fault,” Alex said. “In my heart I knew I shouldn’t leave you. I was just so damn determined to become a soldier. And I truly thought you’d wait for me.” He turned his head to look at her, his crystal eyes very bright. “How stupid could I have been?”
“I did wait for you,” Diana answered ruefully. “I didn’t realize it, of course, but you were the reason I never accepted any of the offers that came my way. None of the men measured up to you.”
“You accepted Rumford,” he said.
“I truly liked him, Alex.” She pressed her lips together and looked down at her gloved hands reposing in her lap. “I also think there may have been another reason for my accepting him.”
He gave her a curious glance. “What was that?”
“I wanted to punish you.”
Silence. Diana raised her eyes to his profile. It was unreadable.
Finally he responded. “Well, if that was your motive, you succeeded admirably. The pain I suffered from my wound was nothing compared to the pain I have been feeling over you.”
She thought of the shadowed, strained look he had been wearing for so long and tears stung her eyes. “I’m afraid I’m not a very nice person, Alex.”
“That’s not true, Dee.” A farmer’s cart was approaching them, and he carefully steered around it. “I perfectly understand your feelings. You gave me your virginity and then I turned around and left you. And you were carrying a child! I would have wanted to punish me, too. I deserved to be punished.”
She was deeply moved by the generosity of his statement. He had seen their past through her eyes; now, for the first time, she made a great effort to see it through his. “It wasn’t entirely your fault. I never told you the truth about the baby.”
He glanced at her, his eyes flashing blue in the sunlight. “I know. But still, I shouldn’t have done what I did and then left.”
She let out a long, slow breath, as if she was releasing a burden. When she spoke her voice was very soft. “You were still a boy. I know you loved me, but you weren’t ready to marry and settle down. You had wanted to be a soldier for so long. If you had stayed, I think part of you would always have felt cheated. I would never have had your whole heart if you hadn’t had a chance to follow your dream.”
It was as if a weight had lifted from her with those words. For the first time she felt as if she had truly forgiven him. Her heart soared.
Alex’s voice was thick with emotion, “It’s very kind of you, Dee, to say that.”
They drove for a while in comfortable silence before she asked quietly, “How was it, being a soldier, Alex? It seems to have left you with some scars.”
He started to answer, then he stopped. She waited while he collected himself. When he spoke at last his voice was low, and she had to lean close to hear it. “Our cause was a noble one. Napoleon had to be stopped and I was proud to be part of that campaign. And there is nothing anywhere else like the camaraderie among men who are risking their lives together.” He picked up his whip and carefully flicked a fly off of one of the horse’s hindquarters. Then he turned his head to look at her. His eyes wore that shadowy look that so worried her. “But would I want to see my son go to war? No, I wouldn’t. It was ugly, Dee. It was very, very ugly.”
The tears that had threatened earlier now gathered and began to fall. She put her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m sorry I never wrote to you. I’m sorry I held a grudge for all those years.”
“Don’t cry, love,” he said. “Please don’t cry.”
She made an effort and smiled at him through the tears that were raining down her face.
He said seriously, “Do you know what I think, Dee? I think we should try to put the past three years behind us. I think we should only look ahead to our life together. I think we should concentrate on being happy.”
She rested her cheek against his shoulder. “I think that is a very good idea,” she replied.
The family was stunned by Alex’s announcement that he and Diana were going to be married.
“But what of Lord Rumford?” Lady Standish cried.
“I made a mistake,” Diana said. “I have loved Alex for years, Cousin Amelia. I’m so sorry if you are disappointed that he is going to marry a girl with my poor prospects, but I will make him happy. I promise you.”
“My dear girl,” the dowager countess said, stretching out her arms. “Of course I am not disappointed! I have only to look at my son to see how happy he is. He hasn’t looked like this since he came home from the Peninsula.”
The two women embraced. Then Sally held out her arms as well. “Just think!” she said. “You will be my real sister now.”
Diana gave her a hug. “You have always been a sister to me,” she said.
“Well, sister or no, you certainly fooled me,” Sally said. “I always knew that Alex and you were best friends, but I never suspected this!”
Alex said, “You were too young to tumble to how we really felt.”
“But what took you so long to become engaged?” Sally asked.
“It was my fault,” Diana said. “I was angry at Alex for leaving me for the army. But now I know that I could never love another man.”
Sally went to kiss her brother. “Wel
l I am very happy for you both.”
“What a success this Season has been!” Lady Standish cried. “Sally is to marry a duke, my dear Diana is to marry Alex and even Louisa has found a good match.”
“We have to find someone for you, Mama,” Sally said mischievously.
Lady Standish laughed lightly. “I am very well as I am, thank you. I am enjoying London enormously. In fact, I am thinking of bringing the girls to London and making Standish House my permanent home—if that will be all right with you, Alex and Diana.”
“Of course it is all right,” Alex said.
“Please don’t think you would be unwelcome at Standish Court,” Diana implored. “You have been like a second mother to me, Cousin Amelia. I would love to share a house with you.”
Lady Standish shook her head decisively. “Two mistresses in one house is never a good idea. The staff and everyone on the estate must learn to look to you, Diana dear. And I am serious when I say that I would like to reside full-time in London, with an occasional visit back to Berkshire. And I think the children would like it, too. There is so much to see and do in London.”
“Well, if you change your mind, know that you are always welcome at Standish Court.”
“That is very kind of you, dear,” Lady Standish said.
They were still in the drawing room talking when Louisa Sherwood came into the room. Diana’s last meeting with her mother at Aston Castle had been hurried with the urgency of an immediate departure. Now she cried, “Mama!” and flew into her mother’s embrace.
“I am so happy for you, darling,” she said.
Diana fiercely returned Louisa’s hug. Her mother was the only other person who knew the real story of her and Alex, Diana thought. She was the only one who knew what this reconciliation with Alex truly meant to her.
“I’m happy, too,” she whispered into Louisa’s ear. Lady Standish asked, “How did you leave Lord Rumford?”
Louisa gave her daughter one last squeeze and released her. “Poor man,” she said compassionately. “I saw him just when we were about to leave. He looked devastated.”
A shadow passed over the shining brightness of Diana’s happiness. “I don’t know what made me accept him. I should never have done that.”
