Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the situation of
me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge the elder gained his
fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my wife; the state of Ireland; the
original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes�from which he glanced passionately,
for a few minutes (until the judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own
country; my excellence as a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a wife,
mother, landlady. All was in vain�the trial went against us. I was soon taken in
execution for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as
much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out
of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that along with the
land went the house in town, and the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he who had
thousands before, had it all. And when I was in prison, who do you think would
come and see me? None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor
Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and eat and drink at our expense,�not
even the ungrateful Tagrag!
I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have been
gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In the
first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody laughed at us."
"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter.
"We asked great company, and they insulted us."
"And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann.
"Hush! Miss," said her mother; "we don't want YOUR advice."
"Then you must make a country gentleman of me."
"And send Pa into dunghills," roared Tug.
"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts."
"Oh, thank heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my little
Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.
"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine
school."
"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever lived."
"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at your fine
school."
"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't," grumbles
Tug.
"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a swindler."
"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl.
"Silence! Miss," says Jemmy, fiercely.
"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me into
this prison, without hope of leaving it: for he never can help us after all your
bad language." I said all this very smartly; for the fact is, my blood was up at
the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl soundly.
"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite broken),
"it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've punished my dear
husband and children by my follies, and I do so, so repent them!" Here
Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms,
and the pair roared and sobbed for ten minutes together. Even Tug looked queer:
and as for me, it's a most extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so
miserable didn't make me quite happy.�I don't think, for the whole twelve months
of our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet,
where I was locked up.
Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never taken the
slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so cruelly that day
at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. He used to bring books for
my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and he used to take home Jemmy's fronts
and dress them for her; and when locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies
home to their little three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug
and all. "Can the bird forget its nest?" Orlando used to say (he was a romantic
young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron
incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann). "Can the bird, let loose
in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember its beloved
bulbul?�Ah, no! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I hope to die�a
hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered your shop, or knew
Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your house, your furniture,
your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers, to me? Are
these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if she would allow me to call her so. Oh,
Jemimarann, your Pa found me in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me
to my grave, and I never, never shall be different!" When he had said this,
Orlando was so much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the
room.
Then Jemimarann began to cry too. "Oh, Pa!" said she, "isn't he� isn't he a nice
young man?"
"I'm HANGED if he ain't," says Tug. "What do you think of his giving me
eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender-water for Mimarann?"
"He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," says Jemmy.
"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give Tuggeridge
the chance."
FAMILY BUSTLE.
Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in prison.
It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves; and were, thank
God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings toward him, and he actually wrote
to me to say�
"SIR,�I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do not lie
with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims which I had
against you while you were in wrongful possession of my father's estates. You
must remember that when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was
found, I yielded up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I
fancied were his legitimate heirs. For this I received all sorts of insults from
your wife and yourself (who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a
will, in India, proved MY just claims, you must remember how they were met, and
the vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.
"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more fitted for
the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will give five hundred
pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you shall find one to suit
you.
"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds to meet your present expenses. You have, I
am told, a son, a boy of some spirit: if he likes to try his fortune abroad, and
go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an appointment; and am, Sir, your
obedient servant,
"JOHN TUGGERIDGE"
It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and looked
mighty contemptuous as she gave it.
"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any rate,"
cries Jemmy. "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a whole heap of
trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him."
"Don't Br
eadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them things
is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!" And so she
sailed out.
Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we have been in
misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when he heard
of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. "Ah, I suppose
you'll forget me now?" says he with a sigh; and seemed the only unhappy person
in company.
"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of dignity,
"that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work�"
"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way), "hold your
foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us hitherto; and, from
this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, if you will take
Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five hundred pounds for a
half-share of the shop, they're yours; and THAT'S for you, Mrs. Cox."
And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, where we
are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder, plaiting a wig for
my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and Jemimarann and her mother have
been as busy as you can imagine all day long, and are just now giving the
finishing touches to the bridal-dresses: for the wedding is to take place the
day after to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and
as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all his
Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and neighbors, to
celebrate our reappearance among them; and very merry we all were. We had a
capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning. We
begun with quadrills, but I never could do 'em well; and after that, to please
Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found anything but
easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and comfort, it's astonishing
how stout I'm getting. So we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in�a
country dance; which is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town
life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe: which Mrs. Cox
says is very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop!
here comes in the punchbowls; and if we are not happy, who is? I say I am like
the Swish people, for I can't flourish out of my native HAIR.
Burlesques: Novels by Eminent Hands Page 6
