by Faust, Megan
Seth had always considered himself a reader of people; it was how he had stayed ahead of his brother’s clumsy charm and arrogant attitude. He could see Brant’s rage building and could end or turn a conversation subtly without giving offense to avoid tactless remarks or harmful rants from his brother. He could judge people’s responses to Brant and he acted accordingly, heading off anger and annoyance whenever possible.
Brant is blind to anything that is not centered on him and he gives little or no thought to the consequences of his words or actions.
Like with Alice. Seth knew it was best for him, and for her, if he let her set the pace and tone of their friendship. When she shied away from a topic he avoided it. When she asked to be distracted he filled the air with pointless stories. He could protect her from insult and intrusion while she healed and he could save her from future grief.
Brant will only hurt her. He presses when he should back off. He’s abrupt when he should be gentle. He’s direct even though it offends. That is not what Alice needs in her life. Not after being hurt so badly by so many people.
Seth scanned the room and located a table of half a dozen disgruntled men. They varied in size and general appearance but the one with the black eye was by far the largest. Seth had met any number of men like him, big, generally hard-working, but short on patience when it came to fools, idiots, and liars. Brant, the loud mouthed, cocky kid he was had angered more than his fair share of these men on his trips to the bar. It wouldn’t surprise Seth to learn that this man with the black eye was a mean drunk.
The other men at the table had dark look on their faces, looks that spelled danger, and Seth was suddenly fearful that the next fight would see Brant facing a mob.
Alice happened to look up and notice him. She waved and he had to come in though he was sure he could learn more by standing on the edges for a while longer.
“Good morning,” he said. As he got closer he could see they weren’t really holding hands as he had feared. Alice was inspecting the damage to the back of Brant’s hands. “You look beautiful this morning, Brant. Purple is definitely your colour.”
Alice giggled and Seth felt better.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Brant said.
“I ate before I came,” Seth lied.
“Can you believe this?” Alice said. “We leave him alone for five minutes and he comes out looking like this.”
Seth smiled and pulled up a chair. “I can believe it. If I leave him alone in public for five minutes, half the time he comes out looking like this.”
“I do not,” Brant snapped.
“Okay,” Seth conceded. “I was only really counting when I left him alone in the company of other men. He generally handles himself quite well around the ladies.”
“Can it, Seth,” Brant snapped. “I was young, single, and I drove a fast car. Yes there were a lot of girls, no, I didn’t have flings with all of them, and no, I don’t plan to have flings with any more of them. You’re worse than the goddamn shrink.”
Alice had physically pulled back from their harsh voices and in the silence that followed Brant’s statement she cleared her throat. “I thought only me and my brother fought like that. I need to use the ladies’ room. Excuse me.” She pushed away from the table and walked with forced calm from the room.
“Nice going, Brant,” Seth muttered.
Brant just stared longingly at the door.
“Do you want to tell me what this fight of yours was about?”
“It was just two aggressive personalities and a pointless misunderstanding, okay?”
“No, not okay. I suppose you’re sticking to that story?”
Brant nodded.
“Why?”
“I don’t want to scare Alice.”
“Was he threatening Alice?”
“No, nothing like that. He was mad at me, only at me, and I kept it that way. The rest doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me.”
“To you or the doctors? They harassed me for an hour last night. It doesn’t matter Seth. They made their point; they don’t want to get kicked out. It’s over, so leave it alone.” Brant grabbed the trays of dirty dishes and walked away from Seth.
I don’t recognize Seth anymore. He was always so laid back, so easy going, so quick to try to smooth things out, to soothe everyone, to make it all better. I’ve never seen him take a verbal jab at me, at least not in front of other people, and never one that sharp before. Of course I hardly recognize myself anymore. I feel less confident, but less angry too. A week ago I would have swung first. A week ago I would have tried to get him kicked out for picking a fight with me. I thought the withdrawal would make me angrier and more aggressive.
Returning to Seth he said, “I’m tired of cards. I wonder if they have any board games.”
Seth’s jaw dropped. “You hate board games, you said they were pointless!”
“What else is there to do? Come on.”
* * * *
They were both surprised when Alice joined them a short time later. Seth hid his behind a smile and said, “Do you want to play? We could start over.”
“We just didn’t think you were coming back. Ow.”
Alice smiled a little. “Thanks Seth, but it’s okay. He’s right. I don’t like when people fight. It stirs up a lot of bad memories.”
“That’s okay,” Seth said.
“Was there a lot of fighting at home? Is that why you left? Ow! Dammit Seth, stop kicking me. I’m sore enough from the fight yesterday.”
That stopped Seth short. Pain had gotten them into this mess. There’s no sense in asking for more trouble. Besides, Brant isn’t listening to subtle hints like he used to. At least I made her smile.
“No, I came from a very normal, very safe, suburban family, except that my dad died when I was young. The fighting came later. I had a long string of bad relationships.”
“You said you and your brother fought.”
Seth wanted badly to kick his brother again but he also wanted to know more about Alice so he waited. If she shies away I’ll scold Brant and make her feel safe again. Right now he doesn’t seem to be upsetting her too much.
“He didn’t approve of my lifestyle; I guess you can’t blame him. After the last time I left a rehab center without an ‘all clear’ from the doctors there my brother came to see me. He told me he was done, that he wasn’t coming to rescue me anymore. At the time I was in love and living with the man who was supposed to keep me clean so I spat in his face. Not literally, but we didn’t end things on a happy note. When things went from bad to worse than I could handle I swallowed my pride and called him. He …” She stopped and took a long shuddering breath.
“Brant,” Seth said, “I think that’s enough prying. You’re upsetting her over something that’s none of your business.”
“He hung up on me,” Alice said before Brant could snap at Seth. She forced a smiled as she swallowed her emotions and went on. “I had to get here on my own, but maybe this time I can stick it out.”
“So you’ve been in rehab before?”
“Brant! Enough already!”
“Yes,” Alice said. “I’ve been in rehab before. But I’m interrupting your game. Whose turn is it?”
“Brant’s,” Seth said and quickly handed him a set of dice.
Brant’s mind was racing. He wanted to ask more questions but she had made it clear she was done answering. But how do you make small talk after a story like that? How do I show her I understand how hard it was for her to talk?
Out of the blue he said, “I had a big fight with my sister recently. It sounds like it ended about as well as yours did.”
“Chloe still talks to you,” Seth pointed out.
“Only because Mom makes her. She has this look in her eyes like she’d rather eat the fertilizer we get from the beef farmer than talk to me.”
“Now there’s a pleasant thought,” Alice said, making a face. “What did you fight about?” She relaxed now that the
questions weren’t directed at her.
“Growing up, I guess. She wanted to and I wouldn’t let her. She fell in love with a man that I didn’t like so I refused to believe anything but rumour even when Chloe basically slapped me upside the head with proof that I was wrong.”
Seth’s eyes just about fell out of his head. Brant has never admitted to being wrong. Those three words in that order have never come out of his mouth before. When we checked in he was still blaming Chloe and Trey for everything.
“When did you realize you were wrong?”
Brant’s eyes opened a little wider. “I don’t know. I was being stubborn about it. I didn’t admit it until now.”
“So you haven’t apologized either?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“I think she’ll forgive you. I mean your sister could be cold-hearted or something, I don’t know.”
He laughed. “No, she’s probably too friendly for her own good. That’s what started this in the first place. No, I think you’re right, I think she’ll forgive me. She’ll never let me live it down, but she’ll forgive me.”
Seth hated to see Brant and Alice bonding like this but he had never been in a real fight, not one that had come to blows or resulted in a falling out. I did make Chloe angry in New York but we patched that up the next day. Somehow I don’t think this is the time for bragging. His mind went blank as he searched for some topic or story that would make Alice pay attention to him with those slightly adoring blue eyes and that understanding smile. There was nothing so he handed the dice back to Brant. “It’s your turn.”
The game progressed quickly and in silence. Everyone was lost in thought and out of things to say. A few times Seth almost tried starting a light-hearted conversation but each time he second guessed himself and ended up slumped lower in his seat. Finally he settled on a joke. “A mushroom walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender refused saying, ‘we don’t serve mushrooms here’. ‘Why not?’ the mushroom asked. ‘I’m a fun guy’.”
Alice smiled. “I’ve heard that one before.”
“Do you like jokes and puns?”
“I used to. Your sense of humour sort of breaks when you spend sixteen hours of your day high on drugs and the rest of it sleeping. Tell me another.”
“Three ropes are outside a bar. The first tries the door but the bouncer says, ‘no ropes allowed’. The second tries but with the same luck. The third rope twists himself up, fluffs his top, and walks up to the door. The bouncer looks him over and says, ‘are you a rope?’ He replies, ‘No, I’m afraid not’.”
Alice let out a delighted laugh. “Oh, that’s wonderful.”
Seth was grinning now and ignoring both the game and his brother’s dark look. “What did the man say when he walked into a bar?”
“Oh,” Alice’s eyebrows furrowed. “Gimme a drink?”
Seth grinned wider. “Ouch.”
“Ouch? Oh! A bar, I get it! Oh, it feels good to laugh at real jokes again.”
“Why do all your jokes have to do with bars?” Brant asked.
“I thought the Polish ones would be too offensive.”
“Are you Polish?” Alice asked.
“No,” Seth said, “But there was a farmer across the road who was and he loved Polish jokes.”
Alice glanced at the board. “Who’s winning?”
“I think I’m ahead,” Seth said. He took the dice from Brant with a smirk. “And it’s my turn.”
* * * *
They played board games and told jokes all morning. After lunch Brant grudgingly went to his appointment with Dr. Keaton.
“How is your nose?” Dr. Keaton asked. “And your ribs?”
Brant hadn’t thought about his injuries all morning. There had been a few times that he had laughed hard enough to make his ribs ache but now he felt every bruise. And Seth is alone with Alice, winning her over with bad puns. I’ll bet anything he’s going to pull a dime out from behind her ear. His mood got rapidly darker and he said, “I’m fine.”
“Do you want to talk about the fight?”
“No.”
“Brant, being nonresponsive won’t speed this process up.”
“Fine.”
“Tell me about the fight. How did it get started?”
“Why don’t you tell me? You have cameras everywhere, don’t you? Why weren’t we tackled by orderlies as soon as the first blows were exchanged?”
“Those cameras aren’t watched at all times. We have them mainly for liability issues.”
“So go look at the tapes.”
“We have. We know the two of you talked, I’m interested to know what that was about.”
“It wasn’t. It was one aggressive male misunderstanding something and taking offense. Offended aggressive males say offensive things, you should know that, it’s fuel on the fire. Two offended and aggressive males like to punch each other. End of story.”
“How many times did you practice that?”
Brant shrugged. “How many times do you imagine conversations you know you’re going to have before you have them? I have a lot of time to think now that I have no cell phone or internet.”
Dr. Keaton frowned and changed tactics. “You’re deflecting and that means you’re defensive, probably in denial. I don’t see us being resolved in just five visits.”
“Are you threatening to keep me here longer? Because I can walk out that door any time I want to.”
“It’s a power struggle neither of us can win. But I wonder why you love fighting so much? You fight me, you fight Dr. Hurd, and you even fight your brother. Why?”
In a far more civil tone Brant said, “I don’t know.”
Breakthrough Dr. Keaton thought, keeping his face serious. “You categorize yourself as an aggressive male; you know you fight with everyone, so why do you continue to do it?”
“I don’t know.” The temper was creeping back into his voice.
“Do you believe that you’re helplessly bound to this path because you’re an aggressive male? Or do you like hurting people?”
“I’m not trying to hurt people!” The words started pouring out. “I’ve always been like this, it’s all I know. I fight, I lash out at people when I’m angry because then I’m in control! If I’m yelling and insulting then I’m in control of the situation.”
“Why would you always want to be in control? That’s a lot of work and a lot of stress.”
“If I’m in control I must be right. I hate being wrong.” So many pieces of his past, actions, consequences, and relationships, tumbled through his mind, clicking together to form new patterns and ideas. He stood. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I have to think.”
“Brant! Our time isn’t up!” Dr. Keaton called but Brant didn’t even hear.
He walked straight up to his room without a glance to check on his brother and Alice. Alone in his room he sat in the dark and let the thoughts free.
Alice paused Seth mid-story and said, “Isn’t that Brant?”
Seth glanced over his shoulder and frowned. “Where is he going?”
“Maybe he went to get something from his room? Dr. Keaton had me keep a journal when I first got here.”
“He never mentioned a journal and he’s not really the journaling type.”
“I didn’t think he was. He’ll come back down soon.”
“I hope so,” Seth muttered under his breath. He turned back to Alice, “Where was I?”
* * * *
David, the orderly, interrupted them an hour later. “Mr. Bye, you know the rules.”
Alice frowned, “What rules?”
Seth forced a smile. “I can’t stay if I’m not with Brant. They let me wait in the Common Room while he’s in his appointment but he’s been hiding in his room too long.”
Alice turned to Dave. “He’s visiting me, can’t he stay?”
“I’m sorry, that still breaks the rules.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll come back tomorrow. Brant will be done his hissy fit a
nd the three of us can spend all day together. Consider this a chance to catch up on your reading.” He winked.
“Okay, I give up. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Seth waved and followed David out to the visitor’s entrance.
* * * *
Alice sat her bed with a novel open and forgotten on her lap. Her mind was doing circles with no end or answer in sight. They both make me feel alive. I’m sure they both think they love me and it’s very sweet of them. That’s why they’re so competitive. I can’t love them both and I can’t lead one on if I’m in love with the other. How to choose? Brant makes me nervous, I’ve seen him blow up, but it’s never been directed at me before but I’ve been there before and sooner or later I’ll mess up and he’ll yell at me too. The beating is never too far behind the yelling.
Seth wouldn’t lose his temper; Seth would never lay a hand on me. He’s one of those people who feel the pain of others but he doesn’t understand me. I know I’m still broken but I won’t heal if he won’t let me step outside my comfort zone once in a while. He can’t keep me under a glass dome; I’ll stay fragile and frightened. But he would keep me safe.
It’s infuriating to have someone decide when you’ve said enough or what your comfort zone is going to be. I’ve spent too long living by other peoples’ rules. Brant understands; Brant knows what it’s like to be dependent. But I’ve dated addicts and recovering addicts and when they fall off the wagon they drag me down too.
Oh how do I choose? I can’t love them both.
Round and round her thoughts went, all afternoon, until she chanced a glance at the clock and saw she was almost too late to get any food. The book fell to the floor and she hurried from her room to find Brant in the hallway. “Were you waiting for me?”
“No, I lost track of the time. I was thinking.”
“Me too. Brant …”
He gestured with a sideways jerk of his head. “Let’s get some dinner first. If you want to talk I’ll listen but I’m starving.”
“Okay, dinner first.” She was all too happy to delay that conversation. How do I tell him I want them both to back off? I’m in recovery, I can’t fall in love right now, it wouldn’t be right. Brant didn’t listen when I said I didn’t want friends, will he listen now? Her thoughts followed her down to the dining room where they had to rush to get everything before the kitchen staff took it away.
