Mistakes : A College Bully Romance

by Candace Wondrak

  How the hell did people cope with something like that? Did people just move on as if it was nothing? If others felt the same all-consuming feelings when it came to someone else, if they felt as strongly about someone as I did for Kelsey, how the hell could they possibly move on? It was like giving someone the world to live in, free of money and all the other strains society placed on you, and then taking that chance away and handing them a moldy, soggy box and saying, here. My bad. This is yours.

  Now that I knew what it was like to be consumed by someone else, how was I supposed to go on pretending it didn’t happen? Moving on wasn’t a possibility when I never really had her to start with.

  I had no idea why Kelsey drew me in so much, only that she did. Wasn’t that the thing, though? Love—if that’s what this was—was unpredictable and unstable. One of the strongest feelings a human could have. It’s what separated us from the animals of the world. Me? I was no better than an animal at this point, with all of my mistakes. Everything I’d done, if I could take it all back and start fresh, I would.

  Everyone in class had rain jackets or umbrellas they reached for once the class period was over. I didn’t; why not get wet? Why not be miserable and sopping wet at the same time? The outside weather went along with my mood, definitely. I’d thought last year was terrible after finding out Mel had tried to kill herself, but this year? It was worse. Worse in a different kind of way.

  I took my time in exiting the classroom. By now, I knew better than to toss any looks toward Kelsey. She was always the first out of the room, the first to run away. She didn’t want to see me, and she sure as hell didn’t want to talk to me, not after what she found out. Mel wouldn’t have kept it a secret this long. Mel probably had told her, and the truth had only fueled her hatred of me.

  Her hate…I deserved that hate. I deserved her hate and so much more.

  I headed down the stairwell, walking slow. I only wore a hoodie, and I knew the fabric wouldn’t keep me dry for long. I paused near the side door, glancing out the window. The sky a dark grey, it poured out raindrops at a pace so fast anyone would get drenched in a matter of seconds. Sheets and sheets of rain, huge water droplets splashing on the ground. All very depressing, fitting my mood to a T.

  I didn’t even bother to pull my hood up. Let me get drenched. Let me get soaked. At this point, I didn’t give a fuck. Even if all my books got soaked in my bag…oh fucking well. There were worse things in this world than wet books and clothes, like losing Kelsey, for instance.

  Heaving a silent sigh to myself, I waited a moment, seeing if the rain would let up at all. Usually downpours like this lasted a few minutes, tops, but this…didn’t look to be stopping anytime soon. Best to just go and get it over with. I pushed outside, having been so slow most of the other students were nowhere nearby. I was alone as I walked from the side of the science building.

  Or that’s what I thought, until I heard an angry voice shout, “Hey!”

  My back went rod straight, and even though the air was cool under the rain, even though the top layer of my hoodie was already wet, I found myself slowly turning to the owner of the voice. Kelsey stood, leaning against the brick building, her arms crossed. She kept under the overhang of the roof, so she was dry. Me? The longer I stood there, the more soaked-through I became. My hair, my skin, my pants. Everything.

  “I have something to say to you,” Kelsey spoke above the loudness of the rain, above the thunder in the distance.

  I shook my head, both wanting to walk away and wanting to stay. This girl made me so many different kinds of conflicted; I hated it. I hated it and I loved it, hence the issue. Hence the crazy she drilled into me, so easily and effortlessly.

  Kelsey stepped out from her spot under the overhang, immediately getting drenched. Her long brown hair splattered across her face, her cheeks red. Fury lingered in her eyes, and though I wasn’t afraid of her, I knew I should be. This girl, even though we weren’t together, held my heart in her hands.

  The sad thing? She didn’t even know she held it. That wouldn’t stop her from breaking it, though.

  “How dare you,” she hissed, baring her teeth at me like she was some sort of animal. She was barely over five feet tall and she acted like someone double the size with her attitude. “How fucking dare you weasel your way into my heart while lying to me.”

  We stood five feet apart, the rain pelting us both, neither of us attempting to move out of the storm. “I never lied to you,” I told her, meaning it. The rainwater seeped in between my lips as I spoke, tasting dirty.

  “Oh, so you had no idea Mel was my roommate?” Kelsey posed the question, cocking her head. Water fell from her nose, her lips and her chin, and I wanted to wipe it off, to touch those lips again and feel them against mine. That night in the parking lot felt so far away right now, practically another lifetime.

  “I…” My hesitation must’ve been all she needed, for her lips curled downwards into a sneer.

  “You did. You knew she was my roommate. Tell me, Levi, did you only want to use me to hurt her again?” Kelsey said my real name, not her nickname for me. God, what I wouldn’t do to hear her call me Blue one last time. “How fucking dare you try to hurt that girl again. Mel is a sweet, kind, nice girl—but you know what? I’m not. I’m anything but fucking sweet.”

  That I knew well enough by now. That’s why I fell in love with her. Kelsey had always been my kind of trouble; didn’t she realize by now that our trouble complemented each other’s? That our personalities were one and the same?

  “I never claimed you were,” I said, practically shouting over the heavy rain. I was drenched to my bones now, but did that stop me from taking a step closer to her? From saying more? No, no it didn’t. “That tape—it wasn’t me. It was Dean.” A confession. A confession in the pouring rain.

  It was high past time for confessions now.

  She let out an incredulous chuckle. “Was it? Tell me how the fuck I’m supposed to believe you after all this time? Why should I trust any of the words coming out of your mouth?” In Kelsey’s eyes, I was only trying to save face, maybe even get back with her…all to hurt Mel again.

  But this—this wasn’t about Mel. It never was.

  “Because it’s true,” I said, feeling the intense need to make this girl believe me. To have her by my side one more time. God, what I wouldn’t give to feel those legs wrapped around my waist and that tongue dancing along my jaw. “Because I love you, Kelsey. Because you make me go crazy. Yes, I made a mistake with Mel, but—”

  She held up a hand. Slowly and steadily. It was as if I hadn’t just confessed my love for her, like she didn’t hear it. Did she? Did she even realize what I said, or was she too blinded by her rage, like I’d been these last few weeks? Kelsey was more like me than I realized, and that…that would be our downfall. Both of us too bullheaded to stop and think. Both of us too unwilling to be the one in the wrong, and now that I was here, telling her the truth, it was simply too late.

  “You made a mistake with Mel,” she repeated, spitting out rainwater with each word. The dark sky made it feel so much later in the day than it was. “Guess what, Levi? I made a mistake with you too—every time I looked at you. Every time I kissed you. Every time we were together. It was all one huge mistake, and I wish I could take it back.”

  Her words hurt. She’d told me she was done with me before, but this? This felt rawer. This felt more real. This…this hurt like a semi-truck going one hundred miles per hour.

  I wanted to say something, to defend myself, but I knew there was nothing left to say at this point. We were a disaster from day one, and this, this was the final explosion. This was it. After this…there would be nothing. Nothing but an emptiness that I’d never be able to shake. Kelsey said I ruined her? Hah, fuck that.

  She ruined me.

  She ruined me, and until I met her, I didn’t even know someone could ruin me.

  “You were a mistake, Levi Harlen,” Kelsey said straightforwardly, staring at
me in the eyes, not even blinking as the rain pelted her. “You were a mistake, and I’m never going to fall prey to you again.” She lifted a hand, all of her fingers except one curling to make a fist. The last finger she held straight up; her middle finger. Kelsey flipped me off as she walked away, and I watched her go, fighting the urge to run to her, to grab her, to fight for her.

  I watched her leave with a sinking hole in my heart. That girl knew exactly what to say to break me. It was a power no other girl had before now. Kelsey had stormed into my life, demanded everything of me, and then, just when I’d grown used to her, she did a one-eighty and left.

  A mistake. I was a mistake.

  I’d like to call her a mistake, but I just couldn’t. I might’ve been a liar, but not when it came to things like that. Kelsey wasn’t a mistake of mine. She was the one thing I never wanted to take back.

  She was it for me.

  Chapter Twenty-Five – Kelsey

  Pure, unadulterated fury coursed through my veins during the walk back to the dorm. I was soaking wet by the time I got there, from my head to my feet. Even my shoes were soaked through, thanks to me walking in puddles because I didn’t care where the hell I walked. I was already miserable inside, so why not add a whole lot of wetness to the equation? Seemed a logical thing, at least in my mind. Why not be miserable all around?

  That guy. Oh, the fucking nerve of him. How could Levi look me in the eye and tell me that it was all Dean? Even if it was true, it was a little too late for that now, wasn’t it? If it really was Dean, he should’ve told me all those weeks ago, back when I first confronted him over this.

  And to claim what he did last year was a mistake? Holy fuck, that was putting it lightly, didn’t he think? Making Mel, who was already shattered from Dean’s betrayal, fall for him, sleep with him, only to break her heart again, was a mere mistake? If that was a mistake, then I was sure Ash coming into my car covered in the blood of an unknown person was also a mistake. If everything we did that was wrong was a mistake, my life would be full of them.

  Including every little thought, every hour I spent with Levi. All of it was a mistake. That much, I wasn’t exaggerating on.

  I decided to take the elevator all the way up. A few other students got on—these ones smart. They had rain jackets and umbrellas, which they were currently trying to put away. I watched them as I dripped onto the floor, frowning to myself, knowing I’d never be one of them. My life would never be that easy. No, mine had to be full of the drama.

  Drama, drama, drama. I hated it, really.

  Once I was back in the dorm room, I shed my soaking wet clothes, tossing them in the hamper of dirty clothes. I’d have to do laundry tonight so the other clothes didn’t get moldy or extra smelly because of the water, but that was fine. I’d been putting it off for ages now. If there was one thing I hated about being away at college, it was having to do my own laundry.

  And Levi. Laundry and Levi were two things I could do without.

  My phone was a little wet, but luckily the case had saved it. I wiped it on my sheets a few times and pressed the home button; the screen lit up, the phone perfectly fine. Thank God. I really didn’t need to beg either of my parents for a new phone right now, considering I hadn’t spoken to them in a while.

  Yeah, we’d forgone our weekly updates a while ago. Call me childish, but I just…let’s just say there were too many other things going on in my life, I didn’t need to add their divorce to the pile.

  After I changed into some dry clothes, I sat on my bed, crossing my legs. I didn’t want to see my parents, but that would have to change. I needed…I needed to get out of here. I needed to breathe air that Levi hadn’t touched, get that asshole out of my mind completely. I needed to lose myself.

  When I checked my phone, I saw the date in the top corner. Halloween was coming up. Next week, actually. Perfect partying time when it came to colleges…but like hell I’d stay here and party it up here. No, I had to get out of SCC. I had to go somewhere where I didn’t know a single face—except one.

  Ash.

  I needed Ash.

  I knew we hadn’t spoken much, and I knew I had kept most of my drama to myself because it sounded like she had her own by the bucketful, but now was the time I needed my best friend. Now was the time I needed Ash.

  We could pretend like it was old times, like we were still back in high school, not a care in the world. We could go out and party, I could get wasted and find some random guy to hook up with. Maybe getting someone else’s dick would make me forget all about Levi’s.

  Hey, I never said I was the smartest tool in the shed. My plans might not be great ones, but it was the only plan I had. I couldn’t think of anything else to do at this point. I just needed…a break. I needed a break from this, from Levi and Dean, from Mel and her sadness, from SCC and its stupid campus. I needed a break from it all, and God help me, Ash was going to be that break, even if it meant I had to focus on her drama for a few days.

  At least it wouldn’t be my drama, right?

  You’d think the first person I would’ve talked to was Ash, since she was the one I was going to be visiting and crashing with, but no. The first person I talked to was my dear old mom. I asked if she could pick me up on her way home from work on Friday, and she was more than happy to. Once I told her that I planned on taking the rust bucket down to Hillcrest to visit Ash for the weekend, she was a little less enthusiastic, but at that point, she couldn’t take it back. She was going to pick me up, and she was going to take a few things from the office.

  You couldn’t go to a Halloween party without a costume, and I had a super cheap and easy costume in mind, because, you know, I was a super cheap and easy kind of girl.

  Well, in my mind that was funny, anyways.

  The next person I talked to was Ash.

  Dear old Ash. I loved her. I did. She’d been my best friend for years, but ever since going to separate colleges, it was like we were growing apart. I hated it. Of course, I knew that’s what life did—very rarely did high school friends stick together over the course of their adult lives, but still. She’d been my constant, my steady, for so many years now I’d lost track. I needed her right now, and it was because I needed her that I refused to give in when Ash told me it wasn’t a good time for me to come to Hillcrest.

  Hah. Guess what, buddy? I didn’t give a shit if it was a good time. I was going to Hillcrest whether I was bunking with her and her penis-endowed roommate or not. If I had to sleep in the rust bucket, I would. I was not above that.

  No, Ash might’ve had drama going on, but so did I, and maybe a weekend together again like the good old times would help us both get away from it. It made sense if you didn’t think about it too hard, right?

  That was that. I was going to Hillcrest, and no one was going to stop me. Not Ash, not her drama, and certainly not Levi.

  The only one I didn’t want to break it to was Mel. I hated the thought of leaving her alone, especially after everything that happened. When Mel returned from her classes, she set her bag on her desk and hung her raincoat on the hanger that rested on the dorm door. The moment she turned to face me with those sad brown eyes, I felt my intestines twist.

  I felt bad for her. Really, I did. Was it selfish of me for wanting to leave her here? Maybe I should offer to take her with me. Show her that, even though I was running away, I still cared. She’d probably say no anyway.

  “You got any plans for this weekend?” I broke the silence of the room, watching as she fixed her hair and her makeup that had gotten messed up from the rain. There was no way Mel had plans; she hadn’t had plans once over the course of the semester so far. She wasn’t the partying type, and she was closed-off when it came to dicks. Couldn’t blame her, now that I knew what happened. I could understand why she acted so…well, broken.

  Mel’s amber eyes turned to me, and she shot me a frown, as if telling me I should already know the answer. Her idea of a fun weekend was getting a pizza from the place in
the student union and having a Disney movie marathon. Yes, that was a good time—if we were five—but we were adults. We should be having the time of our lives.

  “No,” she eventually said, the word drawn-out.

  “I’m going to Hillcrest for the weekend,” I told her. “Plan to see how the rich folk live, if they all drive fancy sportscars like they do in the movies. Do you want to come?”

  “Hillcrest?” Mel echoed, moving to sit at her desk. Not once did she take her eyes off me. It was as if she couldn’t believe I, Kelsey Yates, was going to Hillcrest even for the weekend. “That’s the private university down south, isn’t it?”

  “That’s where my friend Ash goes,” I told her. When she said nothing else, I added, “Come on. It’ll be fun. We can get away from SCC and the stupid guys in it. I can show you what a real party looks like—”

  Mel’s blonde head shook. Her pixie cut had gotten a bit longer; she hadn’t cut it all semester. It was only three inches long, but she’d have to do something to it soon. “No, that’s okay. I’ll stay here. You can go, though.”

  “I don’t want you to be here by yourself.” It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Mel on her own—she was in the dorm room often by herself, with me needing to write all of my papers and do all of my online homework in the library—but more that I…I didn’t trust myself. I felt completely off the rails; I couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d wanted to get so blindingly drunk that I couldn’t remember the night before.

  I needed someone to hold me back, and I was worried that Ash would no longer be that person.

  If she had so much drama, would she care about mine?

  Mel gave me a smile absolutely no one would believe if they saw it. “I’ll be fine, Kelsey. Really. I don’t need you here to watch over me.” That smile was supposed to make me feel better about hightailing it out of here, but it didn’t.

  It only made me feel sad. Sad because I knew I shouldn’t go. Sad because I knew I shouldn’t run from my problems, because running from them would not make them go away. Sad because, in the end, I knew I’d only be back where I started after the weekend was over and I was back here.