Mistakes : A College Bully Romance

by Candace Wondrak

  Jeez. So many fucking forms, you’d think we were applying to buy a house or something.

  Once I ran through the papers, I offered the clipboard to Kelsey. “Here. Double check these. If you can think of anything else to put down, or if I was wrong on something, fix it.”

  She made no moves to take the clipboard. Her eyes were open, but I could tell she was out of it, somewhere far off. Maybe thinking of a better place. She looked miserable, and I hated seeing her like this. I hated knowing that this was partially my fault.

  It was, after all. What I did to Mel last year for the fucking fraternity had pushed her off the edge. What I did combined with what Dean did—I didn’t doubt that if both of us had just left her alone, she never would’ve tried to hurt herself.

  This year it was deja fucking vu. Me again, only this time I was with Kelsey. And fucking Dean. Fucking Dean and his fucking video. He probably figured out a way for her to see it. He wanted Mel to suffer, because he was the world’s biggest dick.

  Somehow, after tonight, the revenge I’d been planning just felt so petty.

  No, whatever revenge was gotten on Dean had to be more than just petty humiliation. It had to be real. It had to be the kind of stunt that Dean would never forget, maybe even the kind that would make his entire future shitty.

  Finally, after a minute of me offering her the clipboard, Kelsey took it. Her dark eyes scanned the papers, line by line, and she was slow to hand it back to me, muttering, “I think everything’s right. But who fucking knows for sure. It isn’t like Mel and I stayed up all night gossiping about our health history.” She let out an explosive sigh, leaning forward, digging her hands into her face to cover her eyes from the bright, fluorescent lighting overhead. “Fuck. What about her parents?”

  I thought on it. “We’ll call them when we get back to campus.” Mel’s phone was probably somewhere in the room, or at least I assumed. If not, then there was nothing we could do about notifying her parents. Mel was legally an adult herself, so…

  “I’m not going back.”

  My jaw set. “You can’t stay here all night, Kelsey. I know you want to be there for her, but sitting out here isn’t going to help her.” I was trying to convince her that sleeping in the ER wouldn’t do either of them any good, but I kind of sounded like a dick.

  I kind of sounded like a dick more often than not.

  “Well, what else can I do?” Kelsey asked, turning those dark eyes onto me.

  I let out a sound that was mixed with frustration and empathy; I didn’t want Kelsey to feel bad about this, but at the same time, I wished I could shake some sense into her. “Let me return these,” I said, getting to my feet. I walked over to the desk and handed the nurse the clipboard and her pen, along with the somewhat-filled-out papers. “We did our best,” I told her, and she thanked me.

  “I’ll let you know once she’s stable enough to have visitors,” she said, giving me a smile. She was an older woman, tired, by the looks of her. Couldn’t blame her. Working here must drain the life out of her bit by bit.

  After thanking her, I returned to my seat beside Kelsey. Kelsey nibbled on her bottom lip absentmindedly, and just by looking at her, I knew what was on her mind. “Kelsey,” I said, reaching for her hand, but she pulled it away from me.

  “No,” she said. “This is…this happened because of me. Because of you.”

  “No,” I told her, firm behind my words, “this happened because Dean antagonized her, because he wouldn’t give up. Don’t blame yourself for this, and don’t blame me.” Don’t blame me, even though it was sort of my fault.

  It was different, though. Blaming myself versus having Kelsey blame me. The former was true, but I didn’t want the latter. Having Kelsey’s blame was…well, it hurt.

  “I knew we couldn’t be together,” she muttered under her breath, shaking her head.

  “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that.” The waiting room was mostly quiet, so it was kind of awkward to raise my voice in such a silent space, especially when the topic of conversation was us. “This has nothing to do with you and me. We both know the video sent her spiraling.” I lowered my voice, whispering, “Did you see it?”

  I didn’t know why I had to ask, but I did. Knowing Kelsey might’ve seen the video, Mel and I together…it wasn’t something I ever wanted her to see. I didn’t want her to see the video and start to picture me with Mel, that I was lying to her how I lied to Mel. Things weren’t like that with Kelsey, and I’d go down on that ship, whether it would sink or stay afloat.

  “No,” Kelsey whispered. “I didn’t, but…does it matter?” She lifted her feet off the floor, bringing them to the edge of the seat. She wrapped her arms around her legs, holding them to her chest as she side-eyed me. “What if…what if she doesn’t make it?” A total switch of topics, one that caught me off-guard.

  “She will.” I hoped I sounded as confident as I wanted to be. The truth, however, was that I was not as confident as I should be. I didn’t know the answer to her question, didn’t know how Kelsey and I could ever move on from this if Mel didn’t make it.

  If Mel died…I was almost one hundred percent sure that spelled the end of Kelsey and I. Every time she looked at me, she’d just think of Mel, and I couldn’t do that to her. She would always have doubts, regrets, pangs of guilt when she was with me.

  Fuck.

  “But if she doesn’t, what are we going to do?” Kelsey asked. “I never thought…I didn’t know she was this bad. I didn’t know she was this close to…to trying to kill herself again. If I’d have known, I…” A lot of pauses in between her words, her mind trying to think of what to say next.

  This was a situation where neither of us knew quite what to say.

  I reached for her again, this time setting my hand on her back. Thankfully, she did not shirk away from my touch like she did moments before. “It wasn’t your job to watch her, Kelsey.”

  “As a friend, I should have,” she stated, firmly believing what she was saying. “I should have done more, as her friend.” She let out a chuckle, but it wasn’t a pretty, melodic sound. The very opposite. “I’m a shitty friend all around, can’t do anything right.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “But it’s true.” Those big brown eyes were on me again, and this time they held me prisoner. I could not look away. “I’m a shitty friend, Blue. I fuck everyone I shouldn’t.” Her words, not exactly spoken in a whisper, caused a few of the other people waiting to be taken in to either glare at her harshly or glance at her curiously.

  The last thing I wanted to think about was her with that rich boy, so I muttered, “Stop. Stop it. If you don’t stop it, I’ll drag you out of here right now.”

  Her gaze narrowed. “You wouldn’t.”

  “I would. You really want to test me?” This girl should know that I was not one to be tested. “I will throw you over my shoulder and carry you out of here kicking and screaming if I have to.”

  Kelsey shook her head slightly, though I could see a teeny smile starting to form. “They’d probably call the cops.”

  “Let them. By the time the cops arrived, we’d be long gone.”

  “Not if they send their own security—”

  I leaned into her, whispering, “Do you want to test out your theory?” Honestly, I’d give anything to help make Kelsey feel better, to stop the guilt that I knew was budding and blossoming inside her.

  Could help to kill the guilt residing in me, too.

  It was bizarre, because I was not the type of guy to feel guilty. Before Kelsey, I hardly cared. I hated Dean and the fraternity, but I never felt remorseful for the things I did or said. I didn’t care enough to. But, again, when Kelsey stormed into my life like a tidal wave I couldn’t run from, she’d changed me.

  She made me want to be better, which I couldn’t say about anyone else.

  Kelsey’s gaze dropped to my mouth, and I knew what was on her mind—impossible not to, with the way her expression softened. U
s. Together. Her lips curled into the saddest smile I’d ever seen, and she leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. “What am I going to do with you, Blue?”

  A dozen things popped up in my head, most of them not appropriate to say, given where we were and what was happening. “I can come up with a list, if you want,” I offered, taming back my wild thoughts. My thoughts usually were chaotic and unburdened when it came to Kelsey. “We could run through the list and check them all off one by one.”

  She chuckled softly. This chuckle held traces of sorrow laced with despair, as if she’d given up. “I think that sounds like a fantastic idea. Could we start by dick-punching Dean?”

  Dick-punching? This was the first time I’d heard of such a thing, although since it was Kelsey saying it, I supposed I shouldn’t be too surprised.

  “I already punched him in the kidney, so that’s out,” Kelsey went on.

  “What?” I turned to look at her, causing her to lift her head from my shoulder. She punched him in the kidney? I…this was the first time I was hearing about it, although, again, shouldn’t be surprised. Kelsey did things without thinking.

  But so did I.

  “I punched Dean in the kidney,” Kelsey stated, matter-of-factly. “At least, I think it was the kidney. It’s what I aimed for, since his face was already fucked up.”

  “I was the one who fucked up his face,” I told her, causing her to blink in shock.

  “Really? Well damn, we double-teamed him without even knowing.”

  I was pretty sure double-teaming someone meant something else, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. Instead, I felt myself smile. Yeah, a smile—not really warranted by the events of tonight, but one that grew because of the girl beside me.

  She punched Dean. Was it wrong to be proud of my girl?

  My girl. She was my girl. She had to be. She was no one else’s. She was mine and mine alone, and I’d be damned if I ever let her wiggle her way through my fingers.

  “I have to say, even though we fuck up a lot, we’re pretty awesome,” Kelsey said, and I found myself agreeing.

  We weren’t perfect. We’d never be perfect, but maybe we could be imperfect together. Wasn’t that what life was about? Finding someone who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who you could see yourself having fun and making mistakes with? No other girl made me feel the way Kelsey did, and I’d be damned if I ever let her go.

  She was my girl, whether she realized it or not.

  Chapter Twelve – Kelsey

  We were only allowed to see her for a quick visit, since it was past visiting hours and we weren’t family. The nurses made an exception because I was the one who found her, and her roommate. Without me, she’d just be some Jane Doe, since her ID was somewhere in the dorm room, an unnamed girl who overdosed.

  She was still alive, but barely. They flushed her stomach, but she kept having seizures, so…they put her in a medically induced coma.

  Mel looked so small on that bed, so still, as if frozen in time. Her arms were hooked up to IVs dripping fluids into her system to keep her hydrated, her body still pale, but looking a bit better than it did in our room.

  I could not get her seizing out of my mind. I’d never seen a seizure before. Growing up, kids made jokes about seizing and stuff, but you never really knew how bad they were, how unnatural they were, until you watched one first hand.

  It wasn’t good. It wasn’t joke material. It was awful, and I felt an inner pain unlike any other. My heart literally hurt for Mel, for what she did to herself, what she was going through. My heart might’ve ached before for Levi, but this was a different kind of pain. The soul-crushing kind. The kind of turmoil you only felt when you were faced with the reality that someone you cared about might not live to see another day.

  Or that she might never open her eyes again.

  I sat on a chair with a hideous floral pattern beside her bed. My body was exhausted from staying up all night; through the curtains on the window, it looked like dawn would arrive soon. No matter what I tried to do, I could not tear my eyes off her.

  She looked so fragile, so broken. I couldn’t believe I didn’t pay enough attention to her before. How could I have missed how broken she was? Was I really that terrible of a friend?

  I hated it. Honestly, I hated it more than I’d ever hated anything before. My self-imposed misery because of what I did the weekend before Halloween was nothing compared to how shitty I felt right now.

  Levi stood behind me, towering over me as we both looked at her, as if staring at her hard would bring her back, undo the mistakes made on this shitty night.

  It wouldn’t. Staring at her would only make me feel worse, but here I was, and here we were. Levi was dragging me out of here after this; I guessed sleep would be a good thing, but I did have classes to go to. The closer we got to Thanksgiving, the more everything felt real. Papers would start being due soon; the professors would start going over the stuff that would be on their exams. Now was really not the time to start skipping classes.

  Plus, I was paying for this shit. Well, future me would. Loans and all that.

  “You gotta come back, Mel,” I told her, feeling slightly weird talking to an unconscious body. “It isn’t going to be the same without you.” That would be an understatement. If Mel didn’t wake up once the doctors thought her brain could handle it, if she kept seizing and being unresponsive, nothing would be the same. The room, my classes, even my time at SCC.

  I felt Levi’s hand on my shoulder, a gentle, soft touch. Just letting me know he was there, that he’d stand by me. I felt guilty enough as it was, I really didn’t need to add more onto it, but…God, I just couldn’t let Levi go. We’d both fucked up, and we’d both probably fuck up again in the future, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be there when he fucked up, and I wanted him to be near me when I fucked up.

  I just wanted us. Was that so wrong?

  “Come on,” Levi spoke, his voice a bare whisper. “We should go. You need to try to sleep.” He focused on my well-being instead of his own. It didn’t surprise me, but he neglected to mention his own need for sleep too. Both of us had been up all night—but frankly, sleep was the last thing on my mind.

  “I should stay,” I said, both wanting to stay and wanting Levi to convince me otherwise.

  “Kelsey, you have to think of yourself, too. I don’t think Mel would want you here with her, skipping classes and sleep for her.” The hand on my shoulder became firmer, and he added, “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  The truth was that I didn’t want to go back to the dorm. It’d only remind me of her, and right now that was not something I needed. But where else would I go? I couldn’t go with Levi to his fraternity house. Dean would throw a fit.

  That one…oh, that one I’d deal with later, once the shock of last night wore off. Once I didn’t feel like simultaneously crying and screaming into the void.

  I let Levi help me up, let him hold my hand as we walked out of her room. I tossed one last look at her as we went, a pang stinging my heart like the soft organ it was. An idiot—that’s me. I didn’t know how much I cared for Mel until she was almost gone.

  Stupid. Just stupid. You’d think, after being so fucking stupid for the first eighteen years of my life, I would’ve gotten smarter by now.

  I didn’t. Just add that to the list of mistakes I’d made in my life.

  Through the brightly-lit halls, Levi led me. We made it to his car in under ten minutes, my stomach queasy. I didn’t eat dinner last night, but food was the last thing on my mind. Probably would’ve just thrown it up, anyways.

  Levi once again opened the car door for me, waiting until I was safely inside before shutting it. Kind of like a gentleman, which was a little weird, because I never viewed Levi as the gentlemanly sort. Hmm. Maybe he was simply being nice to me because he knew how difficult this night was for me.

  Yeah, that had to be it.

  I said nothing as I buckled my seatbelt, watchi
ng as Levi got in and did the same. He threw me a quick, worried glance before starting the car and driving out of the parking lot. Once we were on the road, his right hand found my leg, resting on it comfortably, as if it had always been there. As if that hand was made to rest on my leg.

  And, in a way, it was.

  Before I knew what I was doing, I set a hand atop his, lightly running my fingers over his knuckles. For such a tough guy, he had pretty soft hands. No scars to be seen, his tanned skin flawless. Not hairy, either. I couldn’t do a guy with hairy hands. No gorillas for me, sorry. I did have some standards, even though it might not seem like it.

  Levi parked his car in the big lot at the end of campus, and I was slow in getting out. My legs felt almost wooden, like it’d been ages since I’d walked on them. It was true, I’d spent most of my night curled up in a chair, but still.

  He came around his car, locked it, and after sliding the keys into his pocket, he grabbed my hand and led me to the nearest sidewalk, heading towards my dorm, which loomed on the horizon in the very early light of day. Levi better be careful; the way he held onto my hand almost made me think we were dating.

  We weren’t.

  Were we?

  The sun hadn’t risen yet, so the sky was alive with purples and reds, a watercolor of change. A beautiful sight, though I wasn’t one to normally ogle nature’s beauties. I let them pass, too lost in my own world to stop and smell the roses.

  But what happened to Mel, what Mel did…it made me wonder if maybe I should. Life wasn’t just about the parties or the responsibilities. It was about having fun, but recognizing that we weren’t immortal. Our time on this world was short-lived in the grand scheme of things, so we had to make the most of it.

  Levi broke the silence between us, glancing down at me, the expression on his face unreadable. No one could ever tell what was going on in that man’s head; I knew better enough to try. “I know it’s not exactly the right time, but…”