by HJ Bellus
This time when I look back to him Kara is by his side holding on to him.
“C’mon, it’s time for dinner then OUR baby shower.”
The way Kara over enunciates ‘our’ is not lost on me. Without a word, I turn and finish my escape out into the parking lot. Tears, sobs, and screams don’t come this time. My body is in complete shock and has no idea how to even react to the whole situation.
“Tessa, wait.”
Turning I see Finn standing in the middle of the parking lot without a coat. The freezing air surrounds him.
“Finn, stop. Leave me alone. Go back to her.”
“Tessa, it’s not what you think.”
Before I know it I’m standing right in front him and begin to hit his chest with each word I speak.
“It’s exactly what I think. You chose her. You love her.” The tears begin to sting as I finally verbalize my words. “Leave me alone, Finn. I’m leaving as soon as Tommie has her baby. I’ll never ask you for anything. Go be with your fiancée.”
I intentionally drag out the word fiancée in the brattiest voice I can find. Finn begins to speak, but before he can’t get a word out edge wise Will busts between us shoving Finn back. I watch as Finn tries to step back forcing Will to cock back his hand.
“Go, Finn. You’ve done enough damage. Leave.”
He tries to talk a few more times, but Will stops him every time. The three of us walk to the car, but before I climb in I take one last look at Finn. He’s in the same spot watching me walk away.
“Thanks for the goodbye fuck the other night,” I holler to him.
Chapter 8
Two Weeks Later
Baby Emma is fast asleep in Tommie’s arms when I come in from my morning stroll. Movement anymore is a struggle with the way my baby is positioned on my pelvic bone. With that and having it mingled with severe depression I make myself walk around the block once a day even though it is beyond freezing outside. At first, Will threw a fit, but soon learned I wasn’t giving in, so he bought me little spikes to attach to the bottom of my boots. The walk always clears my mind for the day.
“Cold outside?” Tommie looks in her typically sleepy state.
“Beyond freezing. Want me to bring you some coffee or cocoa?”
“I’ll take a peppermint cocoa, please?”
I make the two of us drinks and decide that I’m in the mood for a hot caramel apple cider. Emma has fussed herself back to sleep by the time I make it back into the living room with our drinks. Tommie is the perfect, loving mother. She never gets upset or asks for help. I’m truly in awe of her abilities, and quite frankly, it just scares the shit out of me. I have less than a month and half to go, and it seems like the days are flying right past me.
After Emma was born I couldn’t force myself to leave. I’ve been packed ever since and even had my bags loaded in the truck to go. I was going to sneak off again in the middle of the night leaving behind a note. There’s something about the sweet, little bundle that keeps me glued here. I want to be a part of Tommie’s experience as a new mother even if it kills me day by day.
Finn has tried a couple of times to reach out to me since the restaurant experience, however, I haven’t responded. I know exactly what will happen if I do. He’ll have me in bed and a forefront place in my heart again. Then we’ll share another amazing night or even a couple of days together before Kara comes marching right back in. It’s a nasty cycle, and I don’t want any part of it.
I understand I walked out of his life, and he then knocked up Kara, but I refuse to have my emotions yanked around on a chain. I know full well that Finn could own me in the blink of an eye. Scarlett still refuses to talk to me, and I’ve heard that she and Wes are working things out. Tommie and Will have been fully engaged by little Emma to pry too much about me, the baby, Finn, and where I’m going to live.
I’ve made a decision. I know it will be hard to stick to, but I promised myself it’s what I want and not only that, it’s what I need to do. Grabbing the nearby Tennessee throw blanket I burrow down in it and sip away on my hot cider steadying myself to break the news to Tommie.
“What are you about to do, Tess?”
I look up to see Tommie studying my face knowing all too well my telltale signs of being nervous. I can only chuckle back at her.
“You’re like a book, girl. Spill it already.”
“Tommie, I’ve made my mind up about my future. I don’t want to fight over it. You just need to accept it and move on.” I drag the bright orange fleece blanket up below my chin. “I’m leaving Christmas night. I want to spend it with you guys. I don’t feel ready to let you know where I’m going. I just need to start a new life for myself.”
Tears roll down Tommie’s face. “I thought you might stay.”
“I’m sorry, sissy.”
“But I need you in my life, Tessa.”
“It’s too painful to stay here any longer.”
“What about the baby and Finn?”
I crawl from the couch and settle in at Tommie’s feet leaning my head on her knees. I feel her free arm begin to brush through my hair and the action instantly soothes me.
“I’m looking into adoption. Finn and I won’t work out, and I want this baby to have everything we had growing up.”
That was the first time I said “this baby”. I’ve been rehearsing it over and over in my mind. It hurt just as bad as I thought it would not to claim him or her.
“Oh, Tess, we’ll be here for you. Please, just please, rethink your choices.”
I don’t respond and Tommie doesn’t speak another word. She knows my mind is made up and that I’m not staying. We sit together for a long time in silence listening to the sweet little breaths of baby Emma and even a couple of grunts that escape her. I bet this baby will be just as sweet. I have to keep practicing using those words as if they are a silent pray on my heart.
My tears lull me to sleep, and before I know it, I’ve dozed off on Tommie’s knee. By the time I wake up, I’m too stiff to move. Will is standing before the three of us snapping pictures with his cell phone.
“I didn’t mean to wake you, ladies.” He bends down placing his normal kiss on Tommie’s forehead and taking Emma from her arms.
“It’s okay,” I mumble through my haze of sleep.
“You alright, baby?” Will studies Tommie’s face.
“I’m fine. If you’ll excuse me I need to be alone for a while.”
Tommie leaves the room, and I follow her but take a right turn into my bedroom. I do know that I’ve just broken the heart of my only sibling and hate myself for doing it, but I just can’t see any other way around my situation. I find a pen and paper and let it all flow.
Finn,
When you get this note I’ll be gone. After Tommie had little Emma I just couldn’t convince myself to leave them. I know that I promised I’d never leave or walk away from you again. I’m breaking that promise. I begged you to stay with me after the night we shared together and you left. When I saw you with Kara I knew we’d never work out.
I love you, Finn, and always will. You’re the one person I never thought I could live without, but now life leaves me no choice. You saved me in my darkest hour and helped me live again. Our time together was short-lived but worth everything to me.
I truly feel like a foreign object is living inside of me right now. I know you shed tears over my belly and felt our baby kick, but you’ve done nothing else to fight for us. Your voice messages were simple pleas to see me again and not one mention about the baby growing inside of me.
I’ll forever be thankful for the memories you helped me make and the pain you blessed me with and my forever regret will be never being able to “Walk Beside You” as your wife.
I love you, Finn.
Tess-uh
My face is a mess with water and tears, but I continue to write. I write a letter to Will, Tommie, Scarlett, and to the baby in my womb. All emotions and harsh truths are poured into each letter. Life is not pretty, and I
don’t disguise those facts with my words. The baby and my family member deserve to know the brutal truth of how I feel and what will happen.
I open Finn’s letter one more time and begin writing something in it that I forgot about. The door to my room creaks open and see Tommie standing before me.
“Tess, you can go. I’ll let you go whenever you want. Just know I’m always here.” Tommie breaks down into tears falling to her knees before she goes on. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you, but I’ll always respect your decision. I love you.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
* * *
“Tessa, wake up! It’s Christmas Eve.”
Will is beyond excited to celebrate Christmas this year with his little angel. He’s gone wild with decorations, presents, and food. The feast he has brewed up for tomorrow is surreal with everything you can imagine. He’s ordered in a special prime rib that is supposed to be the best ever.
I assume that Tommie hasn’t shared my plan with him since he hasn’t asked me any questions. He’s bothered me a couple of times about getting an ultrasound and going to do a check-up. I’ve been able to brush him off both times ignoring the question. Will has also not so discreetly brought up Finn every chance he gets. Little does he know that I’ve been still stalking Kara’s Instagram and know exactly what Finn’s been up to. There’s only been a couple of pictures with Finn’s face in the frame while the others are basically selfies of the cow and a summary of all the fun and amazing things they are doing together with puke-worthy hash tags.
My door finally blows open and when I look I can’t help but giggle. Will is standing in an elf costume resembling Buddy the Elf with Emma decked out in a Mrs. Claus dress. My laughter grows out of control when Tommie enters behind them dressed up as Rudolph. She shoots me a glare and then flips me off.
“Just laugh, little sis. Here’s yours courtesy of Will.”
Tommie tosses a garment bag on my bed and I literally go pale at the sight of a Santa costume inside.
“Now before you get pissed, Tessa, you do have the Santa belly going on,” Will says.
“Only because I love you.”
I watch as Will wraps his arm around Tommie and they both exit my room in their own fits of giggles now.
“Only because I love you,” I whisper again.
I’m leaving tomorrow night after dinner or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Chapter 9
Finn
I’ve never been so miserable on Christmas Eve before. Granddaddy always had me busting my ass to get the chores done on the farm and all the fixings he loved for Christmas. But now I lay in my empty bed on the deserted family ranch with only my pup. My phone keeps blowing up and I know it’s Kara. She’s insisting I go to her family’s place for some fucking luncheon get together. I know my father will be there since he’s best friends with her parents and has no family who can stand him.
I’m not sure what choice I’m left with. It’s either wallow here in bed or get fed. It may not be the best company and yes, I’d rather stay here, but I’m finding it easier to appease Kara every so often to keep her off my ass. And fuck, Tessa won’t even answer or return my calls. Will has refused to help me telling me that she and Tommie are doing well and he doesn’t want to step where he shouldn’t.
I’ve been so close to just showing up, opening her door and pinning her up against the wall, but I know that any undue stress on her right now is not healthy for her or the baby. It fucking literally makes me ill to think that she hasn’t had the best of the best prenatal care. I’ve never felt the sting or wrath of evil until the day in the restaurant when I ran into her. Kara’s mom and girlfriends threw her a surprise baby shower, which was totally unneeded seeing that she’s already had one. The look on Tessa’s face hurt and then hearing Kara’s bitch friends giggle and make fun of her once again made me physically ill.
I’ve never come so close to punching a woman as I did that day. Kara came after me in the parking lot and began in on Tessa. It took everything I had to not bloody her nose with my bare fist. I left the shower and have tried avoiding her every chance I get. Managing to only see her a handful of times since has been no easy fucking task. I just don’t see avoiding today’s events.
Life has turned me into a cynical, evil dickhead. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but the feeling I got holding Tessa and her belly was overwhelming and dropped me to my knees. The pure emotion running through my veins was something I never felt. It’s so different when Kara forces me to touch her. I’ve always chalked it up to despising her and the choices I’ve made, but I should feel for the baby. It scares me how much I don’t feel for it.
Quickly I jump into a hot shower trying to avoid all the nasty thoughts that can so easily consume me. I’ve found showers are about my only place of solace. It’s the one place I’ve never allowed anything to taint the memories of Tessa. It’s the hot water that reminds me of her and washing her skin. Opening the bottle of girly soap that reminds me so much of her I instantly get hard. My right hand immediately goes down grabbing onto it. Shutting my eyes, tilting my head back, I allow myself to let go while focusing solely on the love of my life in her glowing pregnancy state. The smells of her and feel of me in her will be the two things I swear to take to my grave. I grunt her name into the empty shower as I release and for just a few seconds feel her all over my skin again.
The first thing I hear when I step out of the shower is the ringing of my cell phone, and that’s when the welcoming thought of reality smacks me straight in the face. Thank God, I have the shower as my sanctuary.
I send Kara a quick text back saying that I’ll be over in an hour. She responds right away and even tries to call me back, but I don’t answer. I take Duke and go for a walk around the frozen pond remembering childhood memories with Granddaddy. He loved Christmas Eve and teasing us kids mercilessly with what our gifts were. He’d always make sure we had the biggest spiral cut ham in the county and only on Christmas Eve he’d let all of us into dessert first.
My face can’t help but smile at all the Christmas memories this ranch holds. With each rock I kick those memories slowly fade away and the realization of sharing this ranch with Tessa does too.
Pulling into Kara’s parent’s driveway feels so wrong. I took the long way here and finally had to put my phone on silent because of Kara. I’ve driven past Will’s house daily since the last time I talked to Tess. It’s a selfish action but gives me a bit of hope every single time I see her truck parked out front. I was sure she’d be gone the day Tommie gave birth.
I also know she walks every morning and I make sure to watch her. These small glimpses of Tessa are just enough for me to make it through my day. The cement statues lining Kara’s parent’s driveway sends chills up my spine and brings me straight back to reality.
As soon as I turn off the engine, Kara is at the door waving at me happy as can be. I’m not sure if she truly is just naïve or evil enough to believe this is what I want with my life, but it’s not. Shortly my father is standing behind her with his hand on her shoulder. It takes all of me to get out of the truck and trudge up the driveway.
“Finn.” My dad seems nervous as he greets me.
I don’t have anything to say back to him so I don’t.
“Baby, I’m so glad you came.” Kara’s arms snake around my neck and she pulls me in for a long hug. “You could’ve have dressed up a bit though.”
“I can leave if you want me to,” I instantly snap back while removing her body from mine.
“Finn, don’t,” my dad warns.
“Or what?” I counter right back not stepping down. “You’ve ruined everything I’ve ever loved. What in the fuck do you expect me to do?”
Kara turns on her fake tears as her mother comes to her rescue. I turn to walk away. I need to get to Tessa. Fuck the stress and fuck her for not listening to me.
“Son, please.” Facing back to the house I see Kara’s dad standing o
n the doorstep.
“Sorry, sir, I just don’t belong here.”
Kara’s dad truly is the most sincere out of the whole group.
“Just an hour. It would make Kara’s evening. Being pregnant and everything has been really hard on her.”
He’s right. It would be the right thing to do, but as soon as an hour is up I’m heading to Tessa. She’s going to listen to me whether she wants to or not. I need her in my life. Without a word, I turn back to him and walk inside their elegant home. It’s not warm and homey at all. It’s decorated to the tee in a Victorian style that screams how rich they are. I’d rather live in a shack before I survived in this sterile environment.
Kara was right about my dress. Everyone is dressed very formal in nature with suits and dresses while I stand in jeans and a flannel shirt with unkempt hair. Typically I might be embarrassed and feel like an outcast, but this time I’m proud to be where I’m standing and how I’m looking.
A catering company has provided the meal and decorated the table. We all sit at the table where cream-colored place cards have all of our names. I’m seated right next to Kara and she can’t seem to keep her hands off me. I try to listen and act interested when she talks about her pregnancy. She goes on about decorations and doctor appointments. I feel like an ass and find myself starting to ask her questions. When she realizes it, Kara instantly perks up.
“How was the last doctor’s appointment?” Kara’s fork falls to her plate.
“Well, Finn, you should know Kara said you took her,” Kara’s mom chimes in.
Craning my head I look straight at Kara. I haven’t been to one of her appointments yet. I offered but she always turned me down. Her face is pale and a slight murmuring begins to overtake the table. I hear my dad clearly begin a new topic about the afternoon’s football game. I don’t take my eyes from her.
“What did your mother just say?”
“Finn, please don’t,” she whispers.
