I thought I could see doubt on the doctor’s face as I told her a little of my story. She wrote impassively on her paper, and I assumed she was bored.
Occasionally she interrupted with a question or two. She asked me odd questions – about boyfriends and the TV shows I watched.
“Stupid questions,” I thought. She also doesn’t believe me.” Once again I was close to tears.
“Please God if you are really real and if you really love me, show her that I’m not lying. Show her that my father has been doing these things to me. Please God if you’re there, make her know the truth and I’ll stop being angry with you.”
The doctor led me to an examining bed behind a screen and told me to take my clothes off and put on the gown. Again I started to tremble and my tears overflowed. I asked for Miriam to come in. She stayed close to me and held my hand. As I lay on the bed, I watched Dr Mary lift the gown and press on my stomach with cold hands. She touched my new scar.
“You had your appendix out recently.” It was a statement.
“Yes.”
She asked me to pull my legs up and keep my feet flat on the bed. “Now this is going to be a bit uncomfortable but you must try to relax and breathe out when I say so.” Dr Mary was gentle as she inserted the speculum but I was tense and it hurt. The doctor adjusted her light, and I heard Miriam ask, “Are you looking at whether the hymen has been damaged?”
“Mmm. Partly. But you cannot really tell as much as people think by the presence or absence of the hymen. It’s actually an incomplete area of tissue that can be very thin from the start; it’s easily damaged by exercise and it can wear away over time. If it was a complete sheet of tissue across the cervix, as so many people think, virgin girls wouldn’t be able to pass menstrual blood. So in normal circumstances, it’s never totally intact. That’s why so many doctors miss the signs of abuse. We have to also look for other signs.” She was talking as much to herself as to Miriam. “I’m going to have to send some slides to the lab. How long did you say this has been going on?”
“Nearly three years,” answered Miriam.
“Poor child,” said the doctor in a softer voice as she covered me up. “You’ve done well.” She smiled at me.
She wrote a few notes then came back to me. “I just want to check a few more things.” She began to look at the faint scars, more recent cuts and fading bruises on my body and legs. She asked about them as she gently took a syringe full of blood. The bruises were mostly Dad. But I had to admit to doing the cuts and scratches to myself.
“When he was hurting me I would get mad and sometimes hurt myself afterwards because somehow it made me feel better,” I said. “But could you see what he’s been doing to me inside?” I asked fearfully.
“Yes, Jane. You’re definitely not a liar. But these marks on your body are also important. You have a right to be very angry but you’ll need to talk to Miriam about this. Hurting yourself isn’t going to help you. I’ll get the slides and blood to the lab. When the results come back I’ll know if you need any medicines. You can get dressed now.”
The doctor returned to her desk and wrote again. I was overwhelmed with relief. She seemed changed. Now she was being kind; she even seemed sorry for not believing me.
When I was dressed, Dr Mary looked up from her writing and spoke to both of us. “Jane you have some internal bruising and there are some old scars that tell me you’ve suffered a lot of internal damage in the past. However, the vaginal area actually heals quite quickly, and many of the marks you may’ve had from the past would be healed and gone already.
“Sometimes before the onset of menses – that’s when your period starts, the vagina does swell but I think that doctor who saw you soon after your dad first started hurting you should have been able to tell the difference. There would’ve been obvious signs of bruising and tearing at that stage.” She looked up something in a medical book and then addressed me again. “Jane I wonder, have you ever missed your periods over the past few years? I’m sorry to ask so many questions but we have to be sure of a lot of facts because adult offenders will lie and defend themselves and their lawyers accuse us of making everything up.”
Miriam agreed with her and squeezed my hand.
I told them about the events from a few months back with the white pills, the cold baths, and the lies Dad made me tell Joanne.
“Where did your Dad get the pills?”
“He said he got them from a friend…a sort of doctor.”
Doctor Mary, speaking mostly to Miriam, said, “There are quite a few illegal products out there that are used to cause terminations. It could have been any of them but most of them can have nasty side effects and can cause intense bleeding, internal damage, sepsis and so on. For a father to administer any one of these drugs to his child is utterly unthinkable.”
Then she turned to me and said, “Jane, what you need to do now is to eat well and keep fit and healthy. You must not allow yourself to get a sexually transmitted disease or accidentally fall pregnant because you’ve already been damaged enough inside. Diseases and abortions can stop people from getting pregnant again and they can make you miscarry so never have an abortion. If you ever do want to have a baby, you must tell your doctor about what happened with the white pills, because falling pregnant just might be difficult for you.”
She turned to Miriam and said, “I hope you nail him.”
Dr Mary Chandler then smiled kindly at me and said, “I know you thought I was very severe at the beginning of the consultation. To be honest, I find these cases very stressful, Jane, because if I miss the signs, as your first doctor did, I could leave a child to suffer for years. But if a child is lying, which does sometimes happen, and I misread the signs, I could destroy a family. So I have to be extremely unemotional and very careful.
“I’m very glad you were brave enough to tell about what’s been happening, Jane,” she continued. “Some girls never tell. They become old ladies still hiding their secret shame and guilt and it’s not fair. The court case will probably also be horrible but you’re going to be so glad that you brought this to an end. When it’s over, you’ll be able to move on with your life. I promise. And Miriam will be there to help you.”
Chapter 21
“The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?”
Jeremiah 17:9
Wednesday 13 Sept 1989
I feel so bad. They told me my father was arrested after the weekend for what he’s been doing to me. Miriam said Dad and Joanne were arguing with the police at the door and Joanne was yelling and swearing at the cops. Apparently when they said they were arresting him for the “molestation of his eldest daughter”, Joanne laughed and said I was such a liar that I should be the one arrested. Joanne told them all about the rape story and said that I am a sex-obsessed drama-queen. She said their doctor could vouch for her.
No-one told me Dad would get taken by the police. Part of me is so glad. He deserves to go to jail. But part of me is really angry. And part of me feels so guilty! Anyway now they say he’s out again on bail, whatever that means.
The following day, after school I was upstairs in my room when a prefect came to the door. “Matron says come downstairs looking nice, Jane. You have a visitor.”
I panicked. What if it was my dad?
I changed from my uniform as slowly as I could and eventually the prefect came up again yelling, “Hurry up Jane. There’s an old lady downstairs to see you. She doesn’t have all day!”
Could it be my grandma? Dad never let me see my grandparents. Who could have got hold of them?
Utterly confused, I was ushered into the visitors’ lounge. Miriam was sitting in the comfortable armchair and an old lady with snow white hair was sitting on the couch with her back to me. When the old lady turned round I was stunned. She wasn’t actually old, but the hair was not the natural looking blonde that I remembered. She’d bleached her hair white!
“Mom?”I gasped.
I hadn’t seen my mother for nearly four years. Last time I’d seen her I was only eleven!
My mother reached out uneasily towards me and haltingly, I moved into her arms and burst into tears. Emotions from the past bubbled over. Mom had come to save me at last!
This stranger with the white hair, my mother, hugged me and cried too, saying over and over, “I’m so sorry my Girlie.”
I’d forgotten that Mom always called me ‘Girlie.’
In some ways it had been much easier to talk to Matron Ruth and the social worker about the things that had happened with Dad. Mom was a stranger … yet not – and now we had to talk about the things that I’d been through. Of course I harboured an enormous amount of resentment towards her for abandoning me, but most of it came out later. At this particular reunion, most of the emotions we actually displayed were awkward and inept.
She said she was sorry I ended up living with Dad but there was nothing she could do about it. She told me she always knew that Dad had been a lousy husband but according to the lawyers, she was an incompetent mother and he was the ideal parent who could provide better than her for us kids. He had a better house, better car, better job, a new wife, more money and more social standing in the community.
“Oh yes, he always said he could do the job better than I could and he proved it in court, when he filed for custody,” she said bitterly.
“When we were living without clean water and food, you two were only small. I was out of work and was living off family and relations. I wrote and asked your Dad for money to help out, but he laughed at me and refused. He said it was my problem since I’d walked out on him. But Jane, you saw what he did to me – to us. We had to leave!”
Friday 15 September 1989
… Mom explained that all those years ago, when Dad had gone to court and accused her of being a useless mother, he’d stolen us from her. Well, that’s how she saw it. She said she’d been so hurt because I’d helped by signing the letter agreeing with all the bad things they said about her and I had asked to live with Dad. She felt worthless to us and that’s why she never came back to visit. I told her I was only ten or eleven when they made me sign that letter and no-one actually read it to me. I didn’t know what it said! I apologised to her but Miriam told me afterwards that children are never responsible for their parents’ marriage problems or divorces and Mom still needs to realise that.
I found out that since her re-marriage, my mother’s become a paramedic and she’s now very proud of her job. She told me she feels that helping save lives has given her some dignity, after being a battered wife and a useless mother for all those years.
….she said Adrian is a good father to their two children and at least he’s gentle and kind. She said she’s sorry she didn’t protect me from Dad.
It was very painful to see my Mom. I was so hurt for all the times she hasn’t written to me and for all the times she hasn’t let me visit. But she said I can come and visit her now. It was so strange and awkward. This is not how I imagined our reunion! This is not how it should be with your own mother! But I think I would like to visit her.
She said she’ll be there for me when we go to court.
Matron told me that it was Miriam who tracked down my mom and filled her in on what’s been happening to me. Miriam got her to come see me right away.
I‘ve always dreamt of Mom coming back to save me. Maybe this is an answer to prayer at last! Perhaps I will go and live with her now.
Chapter 22
“They encourage each other in evil plans,
they talk about hiding their snares;
they say, ‘Who will see them?’
They plot injustice and say,
‘We have devised a perfect plan!’”
Psalm 64:5-6
Monday 2 October 1989
We are having the short school holidays. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to go home to Dad, so I went to visit my mom for a few days. It was awkward but also kind of nice to be there, but she’s like a stranger now. Anthony’s also staying with Mom. We had some fun times but I think he’s very hurt about everything. We didn’t talk a lot about it though … kind of pretended it hadn’t happened. I don’t know why.
Now I’m staying with Megan and her Mom who I call Aunty Leah. Her home will be my ‘place of safety’. Aunty Leah is a social worker like Miriam and she understands me very well. She often hugs me and talks to me and lets me help her in the kitchen. Megan has been my good friend at school, but now she’s rather jealous. I guess that’s because she and her Mom live together and she’s so used to having her Mom to herself in the holidays. I suppose I’ve kind of stolen her affection. But she gives me the love and hugs I need so badly. When school starts we’ll go back to hostel and Megan will get her mom to herself again at the weekends.
The preliminary court hearing took place a few days into the October holidays. Megan’s mother helped me to find some suitable clothes for court and took me for a super-sized waffle and ice-cream before the hearing as we had some time to kill. We didn’t talk about the coming hearing while eating our waffles as Miriam had already prepared me for what to expect. At the court-house, I was left with Miriam and my mother. They introduced me to a tall man in a suit. Miriam explained that Mr Rogers was the state-appointed attorney. They reminded me to tell the truth, no matter what. She said Mr Rogers was there to stand up for me but I wondered how he could help when he didn’t even know me.
The court building was huge and imposing. As we entered, the waffle began to argue with my insides. I had to try really hard not to be sick.
Tuesday 10 October 1989
Today was another worst day of my life. It was my first day in the courts. I sat there between Miriam and my Mom. We followed a passage into a large room with dark furniture and I heard someone say, “All rise!” A group of people walked in. There was a man in a black cloak who must have been the magistrate and some woman who did a lot of writing. They called her a court stenographer. I sat between Miriam and my mother. Mr Rogers sat on Miriam’s left.
When I raised my head I looked straight into Joanne’s icy eyes. She sat there, stony faced, glaring at everyone. Next to Joanne was a man who turned out to be my dad’s lawyer, and there was Dad. He looked smaller than before. Maybe it was because he kept his head down so much – or maybe because his lawyer was so tall. I glanced at him and caught his eye. I quickly looked down again but from then on my hands began to tremble and I began to cry.
At first there was a lot of legal talk that I battled to follow. Finally they asked me to tell them what my father had been doing to me. I had to say it in front of all these people and in front of him. It was so unfair. I’d already told Matron and the doctor and Miriam and they had met with the lawyer. So why did I have to say it again? Why did he have to be there to witness me break my promise? It was just terrible! I became so afraid, that I wanted to throw up. My nausea was made worse by this horrible musty smell – like bad things happen there.
Every time I looked up Joanne was throwing hate daggers and I could see she still thought I was lying. My dad sat there, head down and crying! He kept saying he loved me but he never said he was sorry or he did wrong and I wept for being a traitor. I must be the most evil person in the world.
Tears. Humiliation. Misery. Feeling as though I had plunged down a well and they were all looking into my soul, I wished I could die. If God is the father of us all, I think he must have been sickened too.
I have bathed and dressed and I still feel dirty. Why do they do that to you? I can hardly remember what I said but it was very long. My head was ready to explode by the time it finally ended.
Aunty Leah collected me and at least she didn’t make me talk about it. At home she gave me hot Milo and headache pills and we watched a comedy together. She explained that bail meant my dad could stay at home while he waited for the next part of the court case.
Late one dark, stormy afternoon, two weeks after the first hea
ring, I was called down from the dormitory at school and was appalled to find Joanne waiting to see me. Totally unnerved, I accompanied her into Matron’s office to talk. I was grateful for the privacy but looking back, I think Matron Ruth did it so that she could keep an eye and ear on things from the adjoining room.
Friday 27 October 1989
... Joanne must have asked me a hundred questions about stuff I was sure she already knew. She acted like she never suspected my dad of doing anything and she apologised and even gave me a box of chocolates. She was actually quite sweet to me.
Just before she left, she gave me a letter but as soon as Joanne was gone Matron asked me for the letter. Matron said that she needed to check it first. She said they were not allowed to write to me because of the on-going court case and Joanne would have known that. So she kept it for Miriam to read first, in case it was intimidating or threatening.
Miriam had to drive through terrible weather and arrived very late in the afternoon. When she read the letter we were all shocked. Can you believe this? My father has written to say ‘goodbye’ because he says he’s leaving the country. His letter said they are going to England for a ‘short stay’. And of course it’s full of how much he ‘loves me’ and that he ‘forgives me’ for telling lies about him.
Matron was so angry. She shouted, “He’s trying to skip bail! Surely he’s not allowed to go anywhere! He’s not going to miss that court hearing if I have any say in the matter! I’m calling the cops right now!”
As the afternoon melted into night, the storm became so violent that as hard as they tried, they could not get hold of the police. We heard later that many phone lines had been blown down in the chaotic winds which seemed to mirror my inner turmoil that day.
Wednesday 1 November 1989
I found out from Miriam that there was quite a lot of drama at the airport on Saturday. She described to me in detail everything that she had been told – and some of it was caught on security camera! She did it in a way that made me laugh because she knew that deep down it would hurt so much.
Unspoken - Kiss of the Wolf Spider, Part I Page 12
