He decides to feign ignorance, and if Pam presses the issue after her shower, he’ll swear he never heard her. He rationalizes this, because he knows from experience, providing effortless coffee is an amazing way to wipe someone’s memory. He preps a couple mugs with cream and sugar before popping the first coffee cartridge into the Keurig and pressing the button for large. He waits the fifty seconds it takes for the machine to finish brewing before it starts spitting air and beginning its refilling act. He repeats the process with the other mug before stirring them both. Dave considers making Pam toast too but decides the coffee’s enough to atone for his crime and heal his bruised karma. It’s not like he’d killed anyone. Carrying the mugs into the bedroom, he enters in time to see his wife exiting the bathroom wrapped in a towel.
“See anything you like?” she asks, letting the towel fall to the floor and holding out one hand to Dave.
“Yes, I do,” he answers with a sly grin, setting the steaming cups on top of the dresser.
“You’re gross and need a shower! I want the coffee,” Pam says, her outstretched hand making the give it here gesture.
“Tease,” he replies, handing her one of the mugs.
“Maybe after you’ve showered, Captain Quint can come out and do some deep-C diving,” she says with a wink.
“Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farwell and adieu, to you ladies of Spain,” Dave begins to sing as he walks into the bathroom and turns on the water.
“Get in the goddamn shower,” Pam laughs, throwing her wet towel at his back.
“For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again,” he croons, dropping his pants to the floor.
“Clean up, and thanks for the coffee,” she says.
“Show me the way to go home,” Dave sings, shaking his naked hips at her as he continues his rendition of the best scene from one of his all-time, favorite movies.
“I think we’re going to need a bigger boat,” Pam smirks, quoting from the same movie.
“I’m tired and I want to go to bed,” he continues undaunted. “I had a little drink about an hour ago, and it’s got right to my head.”
“Pump it out, chief,” Pam says, reaching for the doorknob as the bathroom begins filling with steam from the shower.
“Hey,” Dave replies, pausing his lyrical recitation. “I thought I was Quint!”
“Stop playing with yourself, Hooper,” she quotes, pulling the door shut.
“I don’t have to take this abuse much longer!” he shouts at the door, getting in the last movie line as he steps into the shower. He’s no sooner pulled the curtain closed when Pam bursts through the door.
“So, eleven hundred men went into the water, three hundred sixteen men came out, and the sharks took the rest, June 29th, 1945,” she says in a deadpan voice.
“Asshole,” Dave chuckles. “You couldn’t just let me have it.”
“Thanks again for the coffee,” she replies, blowing over the lip of her mug before taking a sip. She nearly dribbles it down her chin from the smirk still on her face before leaving.
After his shower, Dave dries off and dresses in clean jeans and an Obey Cthulhu t-shirt, printed to look like the Coca-Cola logo. He stuffs the Zippo lighter and pocket knife he always carries into his left pocket and his disposable lighter into his right. When it’s fueled, his Zippo is the best lighter he’s ever owned, but he hates it when it’s empty and he can’t light a smoke. He grabs his cell phone, still plugged in from the night before. Dave sees the green light flashing in the upper corner of the dark screen, letting him know he’s gotten a message. Tapping the display to bring it to life, he has just enough time to see he’s missed a call, when Weird Al Yankovic’s, “White & Nerdy” comes blaring from the phone’s tiny speaker. He taps the green button on the screen, accepting the call from his eldest son before saying into the phone, “Hey, Zack!”
Pam and Dave have four children between them, from previous marriages. Amy, the oldest of the four lives in Seattle with her husband, Travis and their daughter, Alexandria. Everyone in the family calls her Ally or just plain Al. Zack’s the younger of Dave’s two, biological children. He and his wife, Brigette, live a hundred and fifty miles north, outside of Akron with her two young sons, Braxton and Jaxon. Pam’s oldest son Joe lives in Columbus with his friend, Dakota and Joe’s hyperactive dog, Bongo. Ben lives alone in his own apartment five minutes away from Zack by car. Twelve minutes if he’s riding a bicycle, which Ben does often to visit his brother. While the kids all call their non-biological parents by their first names, they always refer to each other as brother and sister, with step never being a consideration to any of them. The four range in age from Amy at thirty-four, to Ben at a fresh twenty-one. Although they come from different relationships, Pam and Dave have always considered them all their kids, doing their best to treat them all equally. This hasn’t always been easy for the couple and has been the subject of more than one, heated discussion over their seventeen-year marriage. There are two years between each biological sibling with a seven-year gap in the middle of the sets. It’s hard to believe the difference in the parenting skills needed with that kind of span.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?” Zack asks without saying hello.
“I must’ve been in the shower when you called. What’s up?” Dave asks, picking up on the urgent tone in Zack’s voice.
“Are you watching the news?”
“You know better than that, son. What’s going on?” Dave replies, hearing something more than urgency in his son’s words.
“Right. The fucking cable thing,” Zack says. “You need to listen to the news. Get to a television that has it or turn on the radio. You have one of those, right?”
“Our alarm clock still has one, but the last time I tried using it, the reception was for shit.”
“But, you still have the internet!”
“Just tell me what’s going on. Are you alright?”
“No, Dad. I’m not alright,” Zack answers, his voice cracking. “I just had to kill our dog with a shovel.”
“Señor Gherkins? What the hell for?” Dave asks as a blackhole starts forming in the pit of his stomach.
“Who’s on the phone?” Pam asks, seeing it pressed to his ear as she steps into their bedroom. It wasn’t like this was the first time she found him having a verbal exchange with himself, but she’d thought she’d check to make sure.
“It’s Zack,” he tells her. “I think he just killed his dog.”
“Señor Gherkins?” she replies.
“I had to kill him,” Zack tells his father.
“With a shovel?” Dave asks.
“With a what?” Pam asks, her brows furrowing.
“Yeah, Dad. A shovel,” Zack answers.
“I’m trying to find out,” Dave tells Pam. “Let me put you on speaker,” he says to Zack. Moving the phone away from his face, he taps the icon to set it to speakerphone. “Now, what the fuck happened?” he asks, talking to the screen.
“We’re at home and I was watching the stuff happening down there on the news. So, I was getting ready to call and check on you and Pam. That’s when I realized one of the boys put the dog in the backyard. So, I went to check on him and Señor Gherkins was like, acting bat-shit crazy. All, foaming at the mouth and stuff.”
“Jesus Christ!” Dave says, looking at Pam as they instantly recalled the events from this morning.
“The second my foot hit the grass, he came at me,” their son continued. “He was snarling and trying to bite me. Like he didn’t even recognize me. Just like the reports are saying about the going on down there. I started looking for anything I could find to defend myself. That’s when I grabbed the shovel and hit him with it.”
“But it didn’t stop him, did it?” David asks, thinking about the dog that had attacked the woman this morning.
“The fuck it didn’t!” Zack replies. “I’ve seen the news stories and looked on the internet. I w
asn’t taking any chances by trying to just hurt him. I smashed his skull with the damn shovel! Then I planted the blade in the back of his neck and jumped on the fucking thing,” he says with a noticeable sob. “Dad… I cut Señor Gherkins’ head off with a fucking shovel!”
“What reports are you talking about?” Dave asks, fearing the worst. Zack fills his parents in on current events, causing Pam to grab her cell phone and start searching the web.
“I don’t see anything from the national news channels,” Pam says after a few minutes. “But, the internet is starting to go ape-shit. Wait… The local Fox News station might have reported something about it, but whatever it is, they’re trying to blame it on Obama.”
“They’re fucking idiots,” Dave replies. “Are you guys all okay?” he asks Zack.
“We’re safe,” Zack answers. “I’ve barricaded the doors and windows.”
“From dogs?” Dave asks.
“Dad! They’re saying the people who’ve been bitten are starting to react like the animals did! Going all crazy and attacking people. The one post I saw said some people had to be killed!”
“I just read that one,” Pam says with a dire expression.
“Like a zombie?” Dave asks them both.
“No,” Pam replies. “But the post says it took four rounds from a twelve-gauge to put one of the people down.”
“Right,” Zack agrees. “I’m not screwing around. I’m going right for the head if I have to. I tried calling Ben after I couldn’t get ahold of you the first time, but the little fucker never answers his damn phone!”
“Did you try texting him?” Pam asks into the phone.
“Why can’t he just answer the fucking call?” Zack asks her.
“Joe doesn’t either,” Pam says, like that explains everything.
“I know!” Zack replies. “I tried him after Ben! What the hell is wrong with those two?”
“Nothing,” Pam says as another siren starts up somewhere outside, in the distance. “They just prefer texting.”
“Amy and I answer our phones,” he protests.
“Amy does,” Pam replies, making the unspoken comment that Zack often misses his calls and ignores text messages.
“Stop!” Dave says loudly, interrupting the debate they’ve all had before.
“What?” Zack says before his father can continue. “Shit! Brigette says she just read one where they say they’re going to call in the National Guard to take control of the situation. They’re talking about sealing off Ohio, Dad!”
“Listen to me,” Dave says, taking control. “Do you guys still have your guns?”
“We sold mine but Brigette still has hers,” Zack answers.
“Fine. Get the gun and all the bullets you have in the house. Put as much food and water you can safely get into your car, making sure to leave room for the boys,” Dave says. “Then I want you to start driving west. We need to get out before the military takes over.”
“If, the military takes over,” Pam says, having seen her fair share of hoaxes on the internet.
“When they take control,” Dave replies, knowing deep down, this isn’t a hoax. Some of the reports might be exaggerated, but something was going horribly awry and he doesn’t want to take any chances.
“I think our car is on E,” Zack says.
“Then get some fucking gas!” Dave replies, feeling forced to state the obvious. “I want you and Brigette to keep trying to get ahold of Ben. Try texting him,” he adds, diffusing any arguments before they can start again. “When you reach him, tell him to call me. I want you guys to take the fastest route out of state, probably 224. Then angle north to I-90. We’ll meet up with you in Indiana late this afternoon or tonight. We’ll plan on just outside of Gary and avoid Chicago if we can.”
“What are you guys going to do?” Zack asks.
“The first thing I’m doing is calling your sister and letting her know we’re all probably headed her way, while Pam contacts Joe. Then we’re going to pack up whatever we can grab and head out,” Dave answers. “I’ll plan on taking 70 West, since it’s the shortest route, but if that’s fucked, we may be forced to head south first, and then cut through Cincinnati, maybe the edge of Kentucky before turning north. If that happens, we’ll meet up closer to Davenport, so watch for a call from us. In the meantime, let me know if you guys do or don’t contact Ben. Got it?”
“Got it, Dad. We’ll see you all tonight,” Zack replies, sounding more focused than he had when their conversation started.
“And Zack!” Dave says before his son can hang up on their call.
“Yeah Dad…”
“Be extra careful. Avoid other people as much as you can. If you can’t do that and still get gas in your car, then fucking steal one. But, no matter what happens, keep your family safe.”
“We love you guys,” Pam adds.
“We love you guys, too and we’ll talk soon,” Zack says right before he ends the call.
“Do you think things are as bad as they sound?” Pam asks Dave after a second of them both staring at the phone.
“Start texting Joe. I’m calling Amy, he says in way of an answer as he scrolls to the contact list on his phone and taps their daughter’s picture.
“Good morning!” Amy says, cheerfully answering her phone on the third ring. “I was just getting ready to call you.”
“Amy! Don’t talk and just listen to me. We have an uppercase situation,” Dave begins, setting the parameters for their conversation.
“Go ahead,” Amy replies, her tone becoming serious based on her father’s use of a term he only used for the most fucked up situations.
“I don’t have time to explain, and don’t ask me if I’ve been drinking. I haven’t started yet, and that’s not the reason I’m calling. I need you to go outside and kill your dogs,” he tells her, referring to both large dogs her family has had since Ally was little. “Go ahead, I’ll wait,” he adds.
“Trav!” Amy yells to her husband who’s somewhere else in their house. “Take Al to her room. Dad says I have to kill Frankie and SoCo.”
“He wants you to what?” Dave hears Travis reply.
“He said I need to go shoot the dogs right now!” she repeats.
“You remember your dad drinks, a lot, right?” Travis asks.
“I know that, but he said we’re in an uppercase situation.”
“Oh shit! Come on Al!” Travis calls to their daughter. “Let’s go play in your room. Mom’s going outside.”
“What’s she doing out there?” he hears his granddaughter ask as Amy sets down the phone and gets her pistol from the gun safe in her and Travis’s bedroom. Less than a minute later, Dave hears four muffled shots being fired.
“This is why she’s my fucking favorite!” Dave says to Pam as he retrieves the pistol-grip shotgun he’s owned since before they were married, from under the bed. “She didn’t even question me on this!”
“She’s a good daughter,” Pam agrees, tapping Send to the message she’s sending Joe.
“Do you want to tell me now why I just shot your granddaughter’s dogs?” Amy asks a moment later, sounding a little out of breath.
“What?” Dave asks, fumbling with the phone as he plugs six of the dozen shells he owns, into the tube of his twelve-gauge.
“Goddamn it, Dad!” Amy shouts into the phone. “You have been drinking!”
“No, I haven’t, and I don’t have time to explain everything because we’re still trying to get in touch with Joe and Ben.”
“They never answer their phones,” Amy interrupts. “Did you try texting them? That’s what I do.”
“I’m in fucking hell,” Dave sighs before continuing. “Just listen to me. Check the internet for what’s going on out here and catch up. Then go and buy as much food as you can store in your house. Make sure and get enough to feed all of us for at least a week or two.”
“All of us?” Amy asks. “Are you and Pam coming out to Seattle?”
“More than like
ly. And we’re bringing the rest of the family with us, if we can.”
CHAPTER SIX
From the phone of Joe Brannon…
Mom – 10:02AM
Joe! Are you there?
Mom – 10:05AM
Call me as soon as you get this!
Mom – 10:10AM
Call me!
Mom – 10:12AM
Goddamn it Joe! Ducking call me!
Mom – 10:12AM
*Fucking
Mom – 10:17AM
You’re making me worry about you. Call me as soon as you see this!
Mom – 10:20AM
Call me!!!!!!
Mom – 10:26AM
If you don’t call me in 5 minutes I’m coming over!
Mom – 10:38AM
Ducking call me!!!!!
Mom – 10:38AM
Ducking auto-correct!
Mom – 10:38AM
*Fucking!!!! Call me! This is an emergency!!!!!!!!
Mom – 10:47AM
We’re coming over in 10 minutes
Mom – 11:00AM
Where the duck are you????
Mom – 11:00AM
*fuck
Mom – 11:12AM
We’re coming over. You better ducking be there!
Mom – 11:12AM
Goddamn it…
Mom – 11:14AM
I’m SERIOUS. CALL ME! DAVE’S GETTING PISSED
Mom – 11:17AM
It’s been over an hour and you’re still not answering??? Where the hell are you?
Mom – 11:21AM
Duck it! We’re leaving now. We’ll be there in 20.
Mom – 11:21AM
*Fuck it
Me – 11:39AM
Hey mom
Mom – 11:39AM
Where are you?
Me – 11:41AM
What do I need to make tot casserole?
Mom – 11:41AM
Where are you!!!!????
Me – 11:44AM
At home I know I need burger and tots but I can’t remember the rest
Mom – 11:44AM
WTF Joe!!!!!
Me – 11:45AM
What kind of soup do I need Chicken or celery
The F*cked Series (Book 1): Uppercase Page 5
