by Kimmy Love
“Someone’s got a hangover,” his uncle teased. “Don’t worry, Ben, I expect your cousins won’t be down by noon.”
Ben forced himself to smile. He was tired, but it was a good kind of tired. He had wanted to avoid seeing Sierra for just a few hours, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He had woken up with the left side of the bed empty, and he had a gut feeling that things had completely changed between them.
Don’t flake out, Ben, he told himself, stay with the deal!
He saw Sierra look uncomfortable, but she still tried to maintain some civility, even if she couldn’t exude warmth when it came to him. Ha, like she hadn’t liked it last night, because he was sure he had. Sierra excused herself once breakfast was done, going back to her room. Ben gave it five minutes before he went after her.
He saw her sitting on a chair by the balcony, hugging her knees.
“You okay?” he asked her.
She didn’t look at him. “Last night was a mistake.”
“It was a good mistake,” he admitted jokingly. Seeing she was serious, he took a chair and sat beside her, listening to the seagulls crying in the skies, eager for their morning victuals. “Which part didn’t you like?”
That’s the thing. I liked it, I liked it a lot, just as much as I love you, and what she had thought of horrified her. “I-It was okay. It’s just that tomorrow’s getting close. I’m not sure I’m ready for it.”
“Hey, we’re in this together,” he gave a lopsided grin, oblivious to her feelings. It would be cruel to make her stay for my selfish purposes, he told himself.
“Yeah,” she said weakly. Of course we are, I’m only in it for the dough anyway, she told herself scathingly.
As if hearing what she had said, he smiled at her again. “Don’t worry, you’re getting the money soon enough.”
***
She was ravishing in a cerulean blue dress, and she was about to break up with him. The long wait was over. This was it, in an outdoor setting filled with boisterous laughter and good food at a wonderful dinner under the stars once more.
She was looking at him nervously.
He eyed her and nodded. He whispered something in her ear and she looked at him, incredulous. She took a breath and whacked his hand away when he tried to hold her. That truly hurt, what he had said. He’d meant to say that, knowing full well her reaction.
“Please don’t start here,” Ben said in a loud voice, as his relatives passed about bottles of wine freely. She felt his hand on hers again, and she resisted the urge to embrace him and tell him she couldn’t break up with him and how she badly wanted it to be real. Last night had been too real; it was something she wanted to share with him forever, if possible.
A few relatives heard it, but she mustered enough courage to create a subtle fight scene. She took another deep breath and slowly walked out. Ben saw his cousins looking confused at the scene. Sierra looked upset. He followed her right out.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ben,” Sierra told him, her voice breaking. At that moment he felt his heart break as well.
Sierra looked around and saw his mother, his grandmother, his relatives looking confused. She had walked out, thinking she could break up with him “in quiet.” But they all had followed the two of them, concerned with what was happening. How their affections for each other had changed in an instant.
Ben was almost too afraid to say anything. “We just can’t work on this, can we?” he asked her, remembering what he had written down. It wasn’t supposed to sound this hurtful to him, but it was hurting him now. Why can’t we work it out, Sierra? I’d want to work this out with you, you have no idea… but we’re already here…
“Oh Ben,” he heard his mother give a soft gasp.
“We can’t,” Sierra said in a shaky voice. “All this was beautiful. You gave me so much in a span of only a few months. But our priorities are different. We’re just too different,” she choked.
Ben was struggling to remember the words. What was he supposed to say? She was a damn good actress wasn’t she? She had lied to him all along. She was no model; she was a great actress in the making. His eyesight was clouding over. The weather was screwing his eyes up.
“You’re right. We are. I wished we weren’t,” he found himself saying. What the hell was he saying? “I guess there are some things neither of us can save. It was wonderful being with you, though; I’ve never enjoyed anyone’s company as much as yours.”
“You don’t do this to people you love,” her voice cracked.
“What do you think you’re doing to me?” he retorted.
At that moment, Ben knew it was the truth. He had allowed himself to be vulnerable.
She nodded and said nothing else. Her gaze lingered on his eyes for the briefest moment, then she quietly walked away from him, adamant on controlling her tears until she reached their bedroom.
Ben stared at her retreating figure, his feet glued to where he was standing. It had happened, it had really happened. Sierra had pulled through. And yet, he felt the deepest sense of pain wracking his chest. Was it because he had lied to his family so he could be finally left alone? He realized it wasn’t as harsh of a breakup as he’d expected it to be. It would probably leave his family confused, but he didn’t care. He looked the part; he looked hurt already. He took a deep breath and didn’t look at his family as he went the opposite way.
“Ben!” Grace cried out for her son.
Ingrid stopped Grace from running after him. “Let him be. The boy’s been hurt. They’ve both been hurt. And I thought we were through with the family drama.”
“We aren’t,” Grace said glumly, her heart aching for him.
Ben had walked as far away as he could, as fast as he could. He had gone out of the hotel and was halfway through the main square when he looked back, trying to catch a glimpse of the hotel. Her words were still like a fresh wound to him. Was it his ego that was affected? Was his reasoning clouded because he knew things were different with her now? Was he masking what he felt because he told himself this was going to serve its purpose in the long run?
Self-preservation was the goal here. That was why he’d wanted the contract to take place and he’d had to find the perfect accomplice. Perfect… He shook his head. She was far from it. She wasn’t how he’d envisioned his current love interest to be. He liked his dates cultured; if they weren’t cultured, he liked them successful and most of all beautiful. Sierra wasn’t even that beautiful. She wasn’t his type… he was masking what he felt again. Was it so hard to admit that Sierra meant something to him?
“We shouldn’t be talking about breakups and exes on a first date,” Sierra surmised.
“What do you suggest we talk about?”
“Favorite stuff. Random stuff,” she had told him.
She had wanted to know him better the moment they’d had a conversation all to themselves. That was what she was like. She didn’t want to judge him; she wanted to know him better.
“Don’t you like looking people in the eye?”
“Not with people I’m not too close to,” Sierra told him. .
“You could pretend you’ve got the hots for me, and I could pretend I’m head over heels in love with you,” Ben said.
Sierra gave a short laugh. “You really think I’m going to feel that way for you?”
He shrugged. “It could happen. But then again, a contract is a contract. Feelings shouldn’t be included in this.”
He had said those words and then the unthinkable had happened. Feelings had become included. He suddenly wanted to kick himself in the shins, if he could’ve. He had said that with conviction, and now he was paying the price. Feelings like this were alien to him.
“You made me look cheap back there.”
“That’s how men talk,” he exploded.
“No, that isn’t how men talk,” she said in a disappointed voice.
He couldn’t bear seeing her disappointed. He had shrugged it off as annoyance, but it was more sympathy�
�nay, it was more guilt. He had wanted to sound nonchalant about it to his male acquaintances, and it had backfired…
Ben realized he was a fool. He had only dismissed it as a distraction. He had liked some part of her, which was why he’d hired her in the first place. He liked to look at her, which had also been important when he’d hired her. He was after everything superficial because that was what life was all about. Only family had meant something, until she’d come along.
Something in him stirred. He had looked at her like he had seen her for the first time. It had taken him so long, he was a fool. A damned fool! She was the best thing that had ever happened to him in recent memory…
He breathed in deeply and cursed under his breath, breaking into a run back to the hotel. By the time he stepped back into their shared room, he was panting and sweating.
“Sierra?” he called out. One look around the room told him she was no longer there. Her luggage was gone, and her toiletries were gone. She had left the credit card he had given her on the nightstand. He wildly searched for a note. There had to be some explanation for this from her. This wasn’t part of the plan. There was none. He called the front desk, asking if anyone had taken the limo services for the airport. Someone had, fifteen minutes ago.
He found himself sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands clasped in front of him in silence. She was gone.
The Final Chapter
Ben had gotten on the first plane back to New York at early dawn. His chauffeur sped for the apartment as Ben waited impatiently in the car, trying to call her to no avail. Had she changed her number? Had she blocked him? He called his secretary at eight in the morning, asking if he could call Sierra’s agency and have them contact him as soon as possible.
There was a flurry of snow as Ben got out of the car wearing only a thin suit, and a wrinkled one at that. He rushed to the apartment and opened it using his key, without bothering to knock.
“Sierra?”
The apartment was neat, just as she had left it. He walked for the bedroom and saw it was devoid of anything she owned. It was as if she had never existed, had never lived in the apartment. How could this be happening?
“Damn it,” he snapped.
How would he know where she was? New York had seven million inhabitants, at least. His only bet was the agency, but he had to wait. And he didn’t have the perseverance for it. In defeat, he went back to his townhouse to ‘rest for a few hours’ as he told his secretary.
He couldn’t rest, of course. He spent the remainder of the morning pacing up and down his place, checking emails to pass the time, calling his mother to tell her he had arrived safely in New York and was about to work. She didn’t ask him about Sierra, but he could hear the concern in her voice. Ben didn’t want to face them at all, not his mother or his grandmother or any of his relatives in the reunion. He suddenly wanted to see his father, but he decided against it. He would look defenseless with this situation, and that was something he didn’t want his father to see.
He decided to get to work, with no updates about Sierra’s whereabouts. He was getting antsy about it, and his staff could see he wasn’t in the mood for bad news. They all kept to themselves, knowing their boss was probably experiencing some creative difficulties.
He called Jemima. “Any update?”
“None, sir.”
“Thanks.” No thanks, he thought angrily. He was upset, and he was irrational. He was upset because Sierra had truly affected him. There was no other way to deal with it, which was why he wanted to meet up with her, so she would know how he felt.
How do I feel? My ego’s bruised, right? That is what I’m feeling.
“You don’t do this to the people you love,” her voice echoed in his head.
No, I can’t love her. It’s too soon. You need years for love, you need time and damned patience for love. He didn’t have those, right? He could never give that to anyone. He wouldn’t allow it. That was it, he wouldn’t allow it. Yet, little by little, he had. Without him realizing it, Sierra was there for him the whole time. She hadn’t had to put forth the effort to be nice to him.
She loves me, he grasped. All those times when she had been nice, it wasn’t because she was just a nice person. She’d wanted to get to know him better, and she had, yet she had taken all of his insults and brash behavior. She loved him.
It was a bittersweet thing to realize. All those little things she did for him, all that patience, it was all for him. And he had taken it for granted because his mind was solely concentrated on the fact that she was a contract at work. He had thought he would regret sleeping with her again, knowing it was going to make things worse for her, but it had also made things worse for him. He wanted her, needed her in his life, yet he didn’t know how to approach it.
It had been foolhardy to act like that toward her when she deserved someone loving. He remembered how he had thought that she was the kindest person he had ever met and how he had wished for her happiness and hoped the next man would love her with all he had after their contract had ended. Why couldn’t it be him? Of course it could have been him. But the damage had been done. This was no major car recall (and that had never happened in the company’s thirty year run). No one can recall emotions, no one can recall hurts, and he suddenly wished he could.
Sierra had done her job, and she had done it well. He didn’t even need the money he had spent on her if she’d reneged on the contract, if that could have been a way to make her stay. Would she have? If he had told her early on that he’d decided it was a stupid idea and that he would rather make things real between them?
I should be telling her this in person, he thought bitterly.
“Sir, I have the modeling agency on the line.”
Ben snapped from his reverie and grabbed the intercom as Jemima transferred the call to him.
“Mr. Eriksson? This is Denise Rivera. I understand you’ve been looking for Ms. Whittaker?”
“Yes.” Please know where she is. Please know where she is.
“She gave us a call yesterday saying she was feeling a bit under the weather. Was there supposed to be a shoot today for Huntley? Jemima could have called our manager—”
“It’s more of a personal nature,” he interrupted Denise. “Has she given an update on her address?” he asked.
“According to our current records, it’s at Caldwell Apartments, 1520 York Avenue.”
“I was there today. She’s moved out.”
“I’m sorry, sir, that’s all we have. We’ll try to call her for updates. May I ask what this is about?”
Ben was quiet for a while. “I’d like to date her. Thanks,” he finally said, putting down the phone.
On the other end of the line, Denise Rivera was perplexed. Wasn’t she dating the great Benjamin Eriksson already? She couldn’t wait to hear the gossip concerning the two of them soon.
Ben buried his face in his hands, overwhelmed by what he had done. He needed to talk to her for fear he might go mad if he couldn’t. He swore to himself he wouldn’t allow this to happen—work would be affected, his rational thinking would be sidetracked. All because of her. It was a new emotion he disliked immensely, not quite knowing how to handle it.
***
“Are you still feeling like crap?” Tyrone asked her as she woke up at past ten in the morning. “Well, you also look like crap.”
“Why are you awake? Didn’t you just get off of work at two in the morning?” Sierra asked him as she hugged a pillow.
Tyrone had been a sweetheart, allowing her to stay for the night (he said he didn’t mind if she stayed longer). They had shared the same bed, and he’d listened to her cry until she had fallen asleep.
“Work beckons this noon, honey,” he replied, busying himself with fixing his hair. He was wearing all black except for his hair and his earrings, which were a deep purple. “Are you just gonna mope around the whole day?” he asked, pursing his lips.
“I think I will.”
“Moping isn�
�t going to change things.”
“I read somewhere that it helps people get over the pain quickly.”
“Are you in that much pain?” Tyrone sighed, sitting on the bed. “Honey, you allowed this to happen to yourself. You were right; it was a win-win situation. He got the whole drama thing down with his family, and you got yourself a free ticket to goodies.”
Then why does it feel like I’ve lost? Sierra mused. It had only been two days, but it already felt like a month of emancipation from Ben, and it wasn’t an emancipation that made her happy. There were no more plans after France. It had all ended there. It had been an abrupt ending to her vacation, a vacation with him. There was no other purpose for that holiday except to fulfill the contract.
“You’ll help me find a job after the contract ends?”
“I’ll land you another job,” he assured her. “Didn’t you want a masters in human resource management, though?”
“I meant after I take that year-long course, you’ll still help me land a job?”
He nodded. “You have my word.”
At that moment, she didn’t care if he was true to his word or not. She didn’t want to see him anytime soon, didn’t want to see him for a long, long time. She had saved a good enough amount to keep a roof over her head, and she hoped more contracts were coming. The master’s degree would have to wait for now. Everything she had planned would have to wait for now.
Sierra wanted to stop thinking about him, but she couldn’t. It didn’t help that her phone had pictures of them smiling happily together, and for that brief moment, it had seemed real. And she didn’t want to delete the photos. She thought about him every hour, wondering if his family believed that lame exit she’d made. She was glad it had been nighttime; her skin was flushed, and she had clearly been uncomfortable with lying. Was he so adept at lying that she couldn’t spot it? Or was she that naïve?
“You can dance,” he murmured to her.
“What? You thought I could only dance hip hop?” she joked. His eyes were looking at her with a warmth she hadn’t seen until tonight.
She had told herself they were probably the most beautiful couple that gala night. And they danced so well together, it felt like they had been dancing together for a while. He had been so dashing, she had almost forgotten to breathe while she waltzed with him.
