Disgrace

by Kit Bladegrave

  “What are you doing?” he snarled. “Spying on me?”

  “I came to check on you,” I argued, meeting his glare, not about to back down.

  “You could have knocked.”

  “The door was open, I didn’t mean to intrude,” I insisted.

  His glare intensified and his grip on the door tightened until his knuckles turned white. “You are. Leave, right now.”

  “Those scars on your back, that’s what’s bothering you.”

  His eye twitched in warning that I was pushing too far again. I flinched at the sudden rage on his face, taking a half-step back on instinct. But he saw it, and he bared his fangs at me.

  “What happened to you?”

  “I’m not about to stand here and tell you a damned thing! Leave!”

  He tried to close the door, but I slammed my body into it, stopping him. “No, let me help you. I can ease the pain for you. They don’t have to keep bothering you.”

  He stalked away from me, and I stared at those scars again, the marks so pale against his skin. They crisscrossed from his shoulder blades to his waist, a grotesque pattern of violence. Some appeared to be from whips, but others were deep gouges, almost like someone had dug their claws deep into the muscle beneath the skin and tried to tear him apart.

  “Who did that to you?” I asked quietly.

  His steps paused, but he didn’t turn back to face me. “None of your concern.”

  “If you remember, I’m your wife now which makes this my concern,” I snapped. “Just talk to me, please, tell me why you’re hiding. Why you’re so afraid to let someone in?”

  “I never said I was! And I’m not lonely,” he flung back at me, furious.

  “Not what I hear.” I planted my feet, even as he marched back toward me, his hands curling into fists at his side. “They worry about you. Everyone here does, so just talk to me! Or at least let me help you. I’m a healer, remember? It’s the one thing I’m good at.”

  “Oh, no, you’re good at one other thing,” he growled. “Sticking your nose in where it does not belong. And also at assuming you can help someone when you can’t!”

  “I can try!”

  “I don’t want you to,” he roared. “I don’t want a bloody wife, or someone here all the time! I want to be left alone, so do us both a favor and leave me alone, damn it! I don’t want you here!”

  His words were like a slap across the face, and I stumbled backward. He wasn’t the first to say those words to me, and suddenly, it wasn’t just Holden yelling them at me. No, it was everyone else in my life who I thought would care for me, look out for me.

  His jaw worked as he ground his teeth, and his chest heaved in his anger.

  I heard steps outside his room, thought I heard Josef’s voice, but the room spun around me, and I couldn’t breathe.

  “Gabriella, wait,” Holden said, but it was too late.

  “If you want to be alone for eternity then fine, consider your wish granted,” I uttered then turned, and sprinted from his chambers.

  I couldn’t simply go back to my cabin, that would break the agreement, but I damned well was not going to stay in this castle with that bastard. I made it to my room, throwing clothes in one of my bags quickly and snatched up the only boots I had with me.

  “My lady, what are you doing?” Hattie asked, out of breath from rushing to catch up with me.

  “Leaving. I thought this morning… I thought there was a chance, but I’m sorry, I don’t see how this is ever going to work.”

  “Where are you going to go?”

  “I don’t know. Away.” I slung my bag across my body. “I’m sorry, Hattie.”

  “No, wait, please! There are beasts out in the woods!”

  “I have my daggers, I’ll be fine. Thank you, for being so kind to me,” I told her.

  Before she could find a way to stop me, ran back through the castle, out the front doors, and into the unknown forest of this new home of mine. No matter. Being lost in the woods was better than being trapped in that castle with someone who would never want me near him.

  6

  Holden

  “Well done, sire,” Hattie snapped, entering my chambers.

  I glowered at her as I tugged a shirt on over my head. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me! The first good thing to come into your life in a very long time, and you speak to her like that? What is wrong with you?”

  Even Josef appeared surprised to hear the ever-polite Hattie yelling. At me.

  “She had no right to barge into my room,” I said calmly. “Or to start asking questions.”

  “She is your wife, whether you like it or not! That’s what wives do for their husbands, but not you. Oh no, you had to go and tell her you would never want her around!”

  “She knew what she was getting into,” I shouted back. “She knew because I told her!”

  “And yet she was still willing to try and make you happy,” Hattie yelled. “Do you have any idea the mess you just made of this chance? Any at all?” She growled in annoyance and held her hands in front of her as if she considered strangling me. “You… just—what will it take, what, for you to see!”

  “See what? And you two, what did you tell her about me?”

  Josef sighed heavily.

  Hattie paced around, muttering curses under her breath. “We answered her questions, told her that you tend to brood and that you are lonely.”

  I ground my teeth, not believing what I was hearing. “Why?”

  “Because it’s the truth!” Hattie whirled back around and stomped over to me, standing extremely close. “We have known you since you were a child;, we know most of what happened to you, and it’s time you learn to open up about it before you turn into a bitter, old demigod demon hiding out in the Underworld!”

  “I do not need a wife,” I said through my teeth, growling with each word.

  “Not that it matters now, I suppose,” Hattie commented, backing down.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, not liking how her eyes darkened and she crossed her arms. “Hattie?”

  “You said you didn’t want her here, so she’s gone.”

  “What?” I yelled in alarm and searched the room for my boots. “Why didn’t you stop her?”

  “Don’t think she would have let me. Besides, what do you care?”

  I stuck my feet in my boots, replaying exactly what I said over in my mind and cursed. I hadn’t meant for the words to come out as harshly as they had, but she’d seen my scars and the pity in her eyes ripped me apart. I did not want her pity, didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve whatever help she could give me. No one knew everything that happened to me, and I was not ready to tell her, of all people. But she pushed and pushed. And I lost it.

  “Where did she go?” I demanded, but Hattie shrugged. “She didn’t say?”

  “No, packed a bag and left.”

  “Damn it.” I stomped for the door, wondering where she would have gone to and assumed her cabin was the most logical location. “Josef, watch the castle while I’m gone.”

  “Of course, sire, may I suggest when you find her you apologize?” he called after me.

  I growled and kept going, moving toward the armory at a quick pace to get through the mirror and hopefully catch up to her. That outburst was exactly the reason I should not be allowed near anyone, and why I could never have a normal relationship, not like my mother had with Jaspen, though that was a poor example. Ezra and Irina. I could never have that. Be so close to someone again. Every time I’d been close in the past, the person turned on me, brought me low again, showed me the truth about this world we lived in. Gabriella could not expect me to trust her so easily, or so quickly.

  The scars on my back throbbed in agreement, knowing I was far from ready to reveal my story. I reached the armory and thought of Gabriella’s temple. The mirror shimmered, and as soon as I set foot on the other side, I sprinted through the village, up into the woods to her cabin. White bodies of fur sprinted al
ong with me, but as the cabin came into view, I found not a single fire or candle burning. She was not here.

  “Shit.” I kicked at a rock on the ground, wondering where she’d go if not here. I supposed there was a chance she’d go to her sister in Envy, but instinct told me she was not one to broadcast her issues to her family. No, she’d stay away from anyone who would see her own anger. Or pain. So much pain. I saw it fill her eyes after I’d spoken. It wasn’t just my words that sent her away. Whatever she was hiding ate away at her.

  Hela and Grell suddenly stalked out of the trees and growled at me.

  “What? I messed up!” I shouted, but they didn’t back down. “Where is she, huh? Where?”

  Their ears flattened to their heads, and then they turned tail and disappeared back into the trees.

  “That is not helpful,” I yelled. If we’d spoken more, I might have an idea of where she’d go. Instead, I was at a loss of where to even begin my search.

  I had to start somewhere. I turned around, headed back to the temple in the village. My emotions were all over the place and by the time I stepped foot back in my kingdom, I decided to put off my search until the next day at least. I needed a chance to calm my rage, and if I found Gabriella now, I was likely to wind up with something worse than a slap to the face for the words that might come out of my mouth.

  “Where is she?” Hattie demanded the second I stepped out of the armory.

  Josef was right behind her.

  “Not here. I’ll search for her in the morning.”

  “What? You can’t just leave her out there!”

  “I don’t know where she is. And frankly, I am in no mood to see her yet. At first light, if she has not returned, I will find her. I am going to sleep. Good night.”

  Hattie muttered something to Josef, but I ignored them both and went to my chambers.

  I shut and locked the door behind me, struggling to sort through the chaos inside my head from the last couple of days. All it did was give me a headache. I gave up, hit the bed, and tried to sleep and not worry about where my new wife had run off to.

  Morning came far too fast, not that I manage to get any sleep. Instead, I worried over what Gabriella had said to me, what Hattie and Josef told me. I never planned on being happy in my lifetime, and I’d accepted that fact. Why could no one else? Why could Gabriella not have just let it go? No matter, I’d find her today, and I’d bring her back, end of story. There was no reason for us to bring up what was said or go any deeper down a road that would only end badly for both of us.

  I whistled long and loud once I was outside and Rush bounded out of the barn, his massive body racing to get to my side.

  “Ready for a search today?” I asked him, and he growled. “Good. Find Gabriella.”

  His ears perked up at the name, and he threw his head back, sniffing the air intently. The wind was blowing steadily today, and he caught a scent that had him taking off through the grounds toward the woods that laid beyond. Despite my anger with Gabriella, I did not expect her to be so far from the castle, but the deeper into the woods Rush went, the more my worry and anger warred with each other at her for being a fool. The predators in the woods she lived in were nothing compared to the ones that stalked the shadows here. My gut clenched, wondering if I was going to find her dead.

  Rush had his nose to the ground, snuffling through leaves and bushes, and on we ran. We were going on the third or fourth hour when his head shot up and he whipped his body around to the right. He took off at a dead sprint, and I cursed, tripping over roots as I fought to catch up with him.

  Branches caught my face, and I swatted them out of the way, quickly losing sight of Rush as the trees and underbrush grew closer together the further in we ran. I whistled loudly, stopping long enough to catch my breath, but there was no reply. My fear that something had happened to Gabriella after all grew, and I whistled again, begging for Rush to reply. His bark was loud and deep, and I took off in the direction it came from. I waited to hear any hint that Gabriella was alive and slid to a stop in the leaves when I spotted the small flames of a fire.

  I walked now, listening closely as I heard Gabriella’s surprised laughter and Rush barking and growling.

  “Rush! What are you doing out here, huh?”

  I peeked around the tree. She appeared to be in one piece, wearing her clothes from the day before, with her leather pack at her side. From the look of it, she’d slept out here, alone, with no way of knowing what might’ve come for her in the night. “I’m happy to see you too, big guy. He’s not around, is he?”

  “Oh, he is,” I said loudly, stepping around the tree and staring her down. “And he would like to know what you were thinking?”

  Her smile faltered, and she shrugged. “What do you care? You wanted me gone, so I’m gone.”

  “You can’t live out here.”

  “Why not?”

  “You don’t know what’s out here, how dangerous it is,” I argued. “You’re coming back to the castle with me. Let’s go.”

  “No.”

  I growled at her defiance. “No?”

  “No, why should I? You made it quite clear what you wanted.”

  “I didn’t mean for you to leave.”

  “Really? You certain of that?” she shot back, on her feet now and furious. “Those are the words that came out of your mouth. Was any of what you told me the truth? The being civil toward each other? Wanting me to make a home here? Hoping I managed to find a way to like it here and for us to get along?”

  “Why would I have lied?”

  “Because clearly, you think you’re better off being alone.” She laughed, but the sound was harsh, and I saw her eyes flare with her own mounting anger.

  “You pushed, alright? I’m not used to having someone around me asking questions.”

  “I’m trying to get to know you, that’s what people do when they’re married!”

  “And some things I am not ready to tell you… some things I may never tell you,” I confessed. “I will share with you what you need to know, but nothing else.”

  “Yes, because keeping all those raw emotions bottled up is working out so well for you,” she spat. “You’re unbelievable, you know that? Someone stands before you, ready to listen, ready to help you heal, and you would rather continue suffering, for no reason other than to keep punishing yourself for things that were not your fault!”

  I stalked toward her and was only stopped when Rush blocked me from getting closer. My damned loyal beast growled at me in warning, his eyes flaring red.

  “What did you do to him?”

  “Not a damned thing.”

  “Traitor,” I muttered to Rush, but he only growled more. “You need to return to the castle.”

  “I told you I’m not going back, not if this is how it’s going to be. I can’t live with someone who acts as though he’s not worth my time and takes his rage out on me.”

  “I’m not! You have no idea what I’ve gone through,” I blurted. “No one does! What it did to me. It changed me, broke me.”

  “Is that so?” she said, but her voice was suddenly calm, it made me nervous. “You think your life was so terrible because you’re the bastard? That no one could possibly understand what it means to not be wanted, to be tossed aside?”

  I crossed my arms, glaring at her. “Yes, I do.”

  Her brow rose as she nodded but turned her back to me. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when she lifted her shirt, I froze. All along her lower back were scars, deep grooves as if someone had tried to carve something out of her back. Around them were more scarred bits of skin, but these were done into symbols and shapes I assumed meant something to whoever did it.

  My rage rose, a voice in my head screaming at me to find who did this to Gabriella and pay them back in kind. She was my wife now, and I swore to protect her. I had not been able to protect her from whoever did this.

  The marks stretched all the way up her back and disappeared beneath the multitude o
f tattoos. My hand reached out before I realized what I’d done and was tracing the damaged bits of flesh.

  She flinched but didn’t ask me to stop.

  “Who did this to you?” I asked, my voice shaking with fury.

  “Someone I should have been able to trust. Someone who should have cared for me, but didn’t.”

  My fingers moved further up her back, and she drew her shirt up, so I could see her shoulders and the backs of her upper arms. The scars there were harder to see, but I made them out enough beneath the markings she must have gotten to try and cover them up.

  “Gabriella, what happened to you?” I rested my hands on her bare shoulders, unable to tear my gaze away from her back, wondering what pain she’d endured.

  She seemed to relax at my touch, and for a long while, we simply stood there. Everything I assumed about her, even after seeing what I thought was her true self, just changed in a heartbeat.

  “Gabriella?”

  “My mother,” she whispered, and I growled. “The feeling’s mutual.”

  “She did this to you? Why?” I asked, shocked.

  “You want me to share with you what you won’t share with me?” she asked, dropping her shirt and pulling away from my hands. Her eyes simmered with her anger, but I sensed not all of it was for me.

  “You’re right… and I was wrong to say such things to you.”

  “And?”

  “And…” I swallowed hard, still not sure I could do this, but I was damned well going to try. “And there are many things about my past I’ve never told anyone about.”

  “Make you a deal. I share, you share. Even if it’s one small thing at a time.” She held out her hand for mine. “Deal?”

  “I doubt it will do much.”

  “You’d be surprised what opening up to someone can do for you.”