by Tracey Smith
“Why don’t you just tell me what you want to hear, so I can say it and we can be done with this” I spit the words at him.
He knew I didn’t want to be here. He knew I didn’t want his money. I didn’t want to go to this school. All I wanted was to be free of him. I wanted to live my own life and if it wasn’t for my mother, I could. But cancer was slowly stealing her life. She needed the best doctors money could buy just to ease her suffering. And he could give her that.
I hated him for it.
I hated the way he used my love for her to keep me under his thumb. As long as I remained under his control he would pay for her medical care. If I left, if I stood on my own two feet and walked away from him he would allow her to suffer as she died. I couldn’t do that. So I stayed.
I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to get some sort of business degree so I could work at one of the many companies he owned, just another way to control me. He wanted me to become one of his cronies. Someone who bowed to his every whim and saluted him like the dictator he pretended to be. I figured it was better to be a life-long student. I would take every class UCSD offered. I nearly had.
I suppose I could have failed my classes and taken them repeatedly, but I guess I was too proud to feign stupidity. I easily passed every class I took and when I was in danger of graduating I just changed my major.
The way I saw it my mother did not have much longer to live, to suffer. Soon she would pass and then we would both be free. Until that time came I would play his game. I would pretend that someday I would join his legions of faithful followers. But we both knew that was a lie.
“Why do I bother?” he mumbled rubbing his temples, as if my mere presence was giving him a headache.
“You will graduate.” He threatened again.
Then he waved his hand toward the door and I knew I was being dismissed.
I left his office and headed straight for the beach. This is where I came when I needed to clear my head. I hiked to the top of a cliff I knew well. This was my spot. I always came here. The path that led the way was nearly obscured and no one else had ever disturbed me in this spot. I felt completely free when I came here, completely alone and out from under my father’s always watchful eye.
I sat on the edge of the precipice and watched the cerulean waves crash against the golden shore. It seemed as if they were fighting against the ocean. Trying to break free. As soon as they finally built up enough strength to reach the sandy beach the ocean would pull them back again. Regardless of my mood, the ocean always seemed to mimic my emotions.
I hated my father, I hated the control he had over my life, but I knew I would be leaving soon. I would miss the beach.
I remained there on my cliff until I had watched the fiery sphere sink into the blue depths. Sunset was my favorite time of day. The way the sky and ocean seemed to meld and change color was magical to me and at that one moment just before the sun disappeared anything seemed possible.
After the sun set I decided it was time to pick myself up and go back to my dorm room on campus. Of course I could afford to get my own place, I had a lot of money saved up from working nights as a DJ for the university’s radio station over the last 7 years. But my room and board was part of my tuition and as long as he was going to keep me here, I was going to drain him for every cent I could. I smiled at that thought as I walked through the door of my small room.
“Hey Mike.” My roommate said as I entered our room. “What’s got you grinning?”
Charlie had been my roommate for the last 4 years. He was my best friend, and I was sad to know that he actually would be graduating soon, but happy for him at the same time. At least his life was moving forward.
“The old man’s at it again” I replied.
That was explanation enough. Charlie hadn’t spoken with his own father in years, he knew how I felt about mine. There was never a need for explanation with Charlie.
Charlie grunted as he flopped down on the couch and put his arm around his girlfriend Claire. The two of them were polar opposites, at least in appearance.
Charlie had a dark complexion indicative of his Native American heritage, and his eyes were almost as black as his hair. He stood about six feet tall with broad shoulders and towered over Claire’s delicate 5’4” frame.
Claire had light red hair, blue eyes and freckles. But that is where the contrast stopped. They were two of the kindest people I had ever met. Charlie would give you the shirt off his back and Claire had a way about her that was almost maternal. She always seemed concerned about the people around her, always trying to comfort and protect them.
Claire smiled up at me with kind concern and I couldn’t help but smile back. She had a very kind face, and she always seemed genuine. She was pretty in a simple kind of way. But all girls seemed that way to me, some prettier than others, but none very special. Charlie said I was too picky. That no one was perfect. But I knew he was wrong. I had seen perfection once, although I tried not to think of that memory too often.
Charlie and Claire had been dating for the last two years. They had had met in an education class. Claire was planning on becoming a kindergarten teacher and Charlie wanted to coach football and teach history. She was at our place all the time, but I didn’t mind. She made Charlie happy. She took care of him. I figured they were headed toward marriage, with graduation only a few weeks away I knew it had to be on Claire’s mind.
It wasn’t uncomfortable to be around them like it could be with some couples. They knew how to keep their hands off each other in public for one, although there was always an understated affection between them. It was obvious that they cared for each other, maybe even loved each other, but when I watched them together I didn’t see passion in their eyes when they looked at each other. I had seen that kind of love only once in my life, and only for a fleeting second. But it was long enough to know that it existed. Long enough to know that I couldn’t settle for anything less.
“Are you coming to the coffee shop with us tonight?” Charlie asked. “A new band is playing, heard they’re supposed to be really good.”
“Sure” I shrugged.
My shift at the radio station didn’t start until midnight and it was already late enough that getting some sleep in before work was out of the question, I figured I might as well tag along to kill some time. The third wheel once again.
“There’s a real cute girl in my psych class, I think you’d like her. She’s supposed to be there tonight. I could introduce you” Claire offered.
Crap! Why had I agreed to go? I quickly tried to think of some way out of it. I couldn’t stand the thought of another blind date! I was always being set up with girls that I was supposed to like, but never did. It always ended the same. After a few hours of pretending to listen to whatever they were droning on about they would realize I was tuning them out and get annoyed. That’s how most of my dates ended. There was rarely a second date.
“Whatever” I mumbled not being able to come up with an excuse to back out that wouldn’t be an obvious display of my aversion to dating.
“Come on Michael, I really think you’ll like her.” Claire assured me.
I doubted it.
I couldn’t believe I’d just been tricked into another blind date. I had to hold some kind of record or something. But I guess I brought in on myself, if I actually asked girls out on my own maybe everyone I knew wouldn’t feel so compelled to set me up.
The coffee shop was packed when we got there. As we pushed through the crowd some big bulky guy shoved past me with a busted up nose and blood running down his face.
“Rough crowd here tonight.” I said to Charlie as we looked around for a table.
The band had lived up to their reputation, the music was good and people were piling in to listen. We managed to find a small table pushed into a back corner and I thought about how the chance of a waitress seeing us back here was slim to none. That actually was a relief when I realized I could use that as an excuse to leave the table if my blin
d date turned out to be a bust. Which I had no doubt it would. I could pretend to have gotten lost in the crowd while getting us some drinks and kill some time before finally making it back to the table just in time to have to leave for work. I was in the middle of planning my escape route when Claire jumped up and waved to someone who had just entered.
“Tiffany!” she called over the crowd and a generic looking blond turned in our direction. She was pretty enough, I guess, but nothing special.
“Hi” she said when she finally made it to our table “You must be Michael, Claire has told me a lot about you”
Funny, I thought, I hadn’t heard of you until I was tricked into coming out tonight. So obviously this was pre-meditated. I would have to find a way to pay Charlie back later. I shot a glance at Charlie and he looked sheepishly down at the table. He was so dead!
“Hey” I said to her, trying to smile and not look annoyed.
She sat down and the small talk started. What’s your major? Are you from San Diego? Nice weather isn’t it? Finally she got started in on some long boring story that I had no interest in, but I was relieved that all I had to do now was nod occasionally. I scanned the crowded coffee shop wondering how long I should wait before offering to get up and get us all some drinks. That’s when I saw her.
She was on the other side of the coffee shop, serving some drinks to a table near the stage and laughing at something someone had said. I couldn’t hear her, but her smile was the most beautiful I had ever seen. I stared, wishing I could hear her laughter. Wondering what had been said to make her laugh.
She was…stunning. That was the only word for it. Her long dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail but still reached nearly half way down her back. She wore a simple t-shirt and jeans with an apron tied around her tiny waist. A movie star decked out for the red carpet could not have held my attention as powerfully as this girl did. I couldn’t look away.
I could only see her profile, but I could tell she was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Even more beautiful than the distant memory of a woman I had seen so many years ago, a woman who had become my standard that no real girl could ever live up to. A memory of a face so perfect I had convinced myself it couldn’t have been real, just a blending of reality and fantasy.
But now as I stared across this over-crowded room I realized that the perfection I had dreamt of didn’t even measure up to the beautiful waitress who stood before me now. Something I would have never believed to be possible until this moment. Then she looked at me.
At least a hundred people stood in this room between us, but she looked right at me. Our eyes locked. I knew I should look away. I shouldn’t stare like this. What would she think?
But her emerald eyes mesmerized me. I couldn’t have looked away if I wanted to, and I couldn’t have wanted anything less. I had only seen eyes like hers once before.
Obviously my mind was playing tricks on me now. This waitress I was staring at couldn’t possibly be as perfect as I was seeing her. Some long lost memory must have been overlapping my senses, making her appear to have all the features of the perfect woman from my dreams.
I studied her face, amazed by its perfection and then I realized how I must have looked staring at her this way and almost felt embarrassed until it occurred to me… she was staring too. We were both frozen with our eyes locked on each other like no one else was in the room.
I wondered if I should go over to her. Obviously she was looking at me.
Why was she looking at me? Was it only because I was looking at her?
I wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t know how to begin. Suddenly I wished for the first time that I had more practice at approaching women. I wanted to walk to her but my feet seemed cemented to the floor. I couldn’t will my body to move any more than I could force my eyes away from hers. I was powerless, unable to focus on anything else, even the simple act of moving one foot in front of the other.
“Dude, did you hear me? They said you have a call.” Charlie’s voice finally broke through my stupor.
I made my way across the room to the counter where the phone was, not taking my eyes off her.
Why was she still looking at me?
Was she smiling?
I reached the counter and took the phone that way being held out toward me.
“Hello” I said absently, still watching her.
“Michael, don’t hang up. It’s about your mother” My heart sank as my father’s voice resounded in my ears.
There was only one reason my father would be calling me to discuss my mother. The only reason strong enough to break through the mysterious gravitational force I felt toward this woman.
Chapter 3: Blue Eyes
“Katherine,” my roommate Amy whined from the other side of the bathroom door “Please! I need to get in there.”
I ran the brush through my hair one more time then finally gave up and pulled it into a ponytail. I swore to myself that I would cut it all off soon.
“Sorry,” I apologized relinquishing the bathroom to her.
“I was just trying to do something with my hair.” I explained in a disgusted tone.
“Like you could be anything but drop-dead gorgeous!” she teased “You could shave your head and you’d still look better than me on my best hair day!”
I rolled my eyes. That was the farthest thing from the truth! Amy was a very pretty girl. She was always bubbly and smiling. Everyone loved her. She was the exact opposite of me.
She always wore the latest fashions. Her light blonde hair was always cut into the latest style. Her make-up applied perfectly. I, on the other hand, was a hopeless mess. I could never do anything with my long thick hair besides pull it back into a ponytail, and I had no sense for fashion. I still clung to my favorite pair of jeans, which I was wearing now, although I had added a few new t-shirts to my small collection. I never even bothered with make-up. For some reason I felt like I only made myself look worse when I tried to put it on. It just made my face seem fake.
I knew I wasn’t entirely unattractive. That was obvious from all the guys who had asked me out in the few years I’d been at UCSD. But really, how good of a judge could a bunch of horny college guys be? I wasn’t interested in being somebody’s conquest. Sure I went on a few dates here and there, but no one held any real interest for me.
I was completely convinced that all those sappy movies about love at first sight were purely fiction. Love like that just didn’t exist. At least not for me, of that I was sure. I hadn’t really dated much in high school either, again not from lack of opportunity. At that time I was so focused on planning my exodus that I really just had no interest in dating. I guess that hadn’t changed yet, although everything else had.
I was finally happy. Unequivocally, undeniably happy. I had never really thought it was possible. But being on my own had brought me to life. I loved college! The classes were so much more interesting than the menial high school curriculum that I had suffered through to get here. I was challenged and I loved it.
My job at the coffee shop was a huge contrast to the bland diner I had worked at before. There were always live bands playing and the atmosphere was fun and energetic. I even loved my tiny little dorm room. Although the irony of the small square room with bare walls was not lost on me, I still loved it because I chose to be here. I even decorated it, with the help of Amy of course. I had made it my home.
“You coming to the coffee shop tonight?” I asked Amy as she emerged from our small, shared bathroom. “I heard the band they have playing tonight is supposed to be really good!”
“Sure” she replied excitedly “Maybe Dan can bring his friend Jared along. You really ought to meet him.”
“Don’t even think about it!” I threatened “If I even think you’ve brought some guy along for me to meet I swear I will go home sick and I’ll leave out the back door!”
“Okay, Okay” she laughed holding her hands up like a criminal under arrest “Can’t blame a girl for
trying. Really Katherine you should think about dating…”
“I’m going to be late for work” I interrupted walking to the door “I’ll save you a good table” I smiled and slipped out before she could get in another word.
I had never seen the coffee shop so busy. There had to be at least a hundred people crowded into a room that was designed to comfortably seat 50. All the couches had been pushed against the walls and all the tables scooted into corners to allow more standing room for the burgeoning crowd.
The band had started playing and they were very good. I looked around the room and thought tonight would definitely be a good tip night. I quickly tied my apron around my waist and began making my rounds taking drink orders. It was a little confusing without the familiar grid of tables I was used to.
The usually comfortable cozy atmosphere of the coffee shop has transformed into a frenzied mob swaying and pulsing to the loud music. I slipped a “Reserved” card on one of the few remaining tables close to the stage and hoped that Amy and Dan wouldn’t be too long, because with all the people rolling in that table wouldn’t remain empty for long, reserved or not.
“Hey sweet cheeks,” some obnoxious frat guy called from behind me.
“What can I do for you?” I automatically replied turning in his direction.
I was used to putting up with his type, they were usually harmless, all bark and no bite. But before I knew it, he had grabbed one of my apron strings and pulled me down onto his lap. I struggled to get up, but his large arms were crushing me against him. Pinning my arms to my sides.
“I can think of a few things you can do for me” he crudely implied.
His breath reeked of alcohol as he leaned in to whisper something disgusting into my ear.
“Let her go.” I had never been so relieved to hear Dan’s voice in my life!
The obnoxious, drunk frat guy didn’t let go, but he turned in Dan’s direction and in doing so loosened the hold he had on me. It was just enough that I was able to slip out from under his grip and in one quick movement I spun out of his lap and swung around catching him with a left hook. I heard his nose crack as my fist made contact with his face. His chair toppled backwards and he fell to the floor with a loud thud. Dan looked almost as surprised as the jerk on the floor. My hand throbbed uncomfortably.
