by Tracey Smith
Chapter 5: Changes
Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Everywhere I went I looked for him, but he wasn’t there. Had I imagined him?
No, I knew he was real, and he was out there somewhere.
I may have been in shock that night, but I was not crazy. He had been there, and he had looked at me with the same intensity that I had felt. But if that really was the case, why hadn’t he come over to talk to me? If he was at all interested in me, why hadn’t he come back to the coffee shop?
I was full of questions that nagged at my mind constantly. I could hardly think of anything else. Why did this man consume my every thought? What was it about him?
To make matters worse, my favorite DJ never came back on the air. It was the strangest coincidence and briefly I had wondered if my mystery man and the DJ could possibly be the same person. But I knew that was crazy. Just because I hadn’t seen him didn’t mean he wasn’t around. Or maybe he wasn’t even a student here. He could have just been visiting.
He did look a little older than most of the guys around campus. I hadn’t seen him before that night, and I hadn’t seen him since. Yes, he must have just been visiting.
Although that explanation made sense, I didn’t like it. That meant the chance of seeing him again was little if any. After a few months I finally stopped looking for him around every corner.
I knew there could be a million reasons why my DJ was not working for that radio station anymore. Maybe he had gotten a job with a different station, a better time slot. I randomly searched through other stations every chance I had, listening for his voice, but after a few months I gave up on that too.
They were both gone. I didn’t know either of them, and yet here I was feeling broken hearted and abandoned. I knew it was completely irrational. Why should not seeing someone I didn’t know make me sad? Nothing was making sense anymore.
Time was flying by now. It was time for me to choose a major. I had never planned that far. I had been so focused on just getting here, that I never thought of what I would do after college. Then when I finally got here I was just enjoying myself so much, too happy to think about anything changing. But now it seemed like everything was changing. I was finished with all my basic courses; I had to pick a major. I had to think about life after college.
My happy routine no longer existed. I began to dread going to work at the coffee shop, because no matter how hard I tried not to look for him that was the place where I expected to see him the most. Every night was disappointing. I would come home feeling rejected only to be reminded that one of the few things that used to comfort me was no longer there anymore either. I stopped listening to the radio all together.
I finally decided on a business degree. It was practical. Wherever I ended up in life I figured I could probably use it. I still hadn’t decided what exactly I planned on doing after I graduated, and I only had a little time left to figure it out. I was already a junior, by the fall semester I would be a senior and with all my basic credits met all I needed were my business courses. I was almost finished with school.
I took classes straight through the summer to keep my fulltime status so I could continue living in the dorm. It was lonely, because Amy had gone home for the summer like most other students and the dorms were unnaturally quiet. I spent all my free time at the beach, just watching the waves. It was comforting. I didn’t feel lonely there.
I was so relieved when the fall semester started in and Amy was back. Her hair was cut into a new style and she had a whole suitcase full of new clothes that she’d bought while traveling with her parents. She had a million stories to tell me about how she’d spent her summer. It was nice to have her energy around me again. It was hard to be sad when she was around. But I didn’t get to see her as much as I would have liked.
Now that we were both taking upper level classes we didn’t have any classes together. She was a fashion major. She had also started a new job as a waitress for a catering service and our hours were so different that we were rarely home at the same time.
Maybe it was because of the loneliness I felt but when Jared asked me out for the millionth time I finally said yes. Jared was a business major as well, so we had a lot of classes together. I think he planned it that way, though I’m not exactly sure how he pulled it off. He was starting to grow on me. He was a nice guy and I felt bad seeing how disappointed he looked every time I turned him down.
“So where is he taking you?” Amy asked excitedly
“I’m not sure” I answered “He just said he’d pick me up at seven.”
I hadn’t thought to ask where we were going.
“Are you wearing that?” Amy pointed to the jeans I was wearing
“What’s wrong with the way I’m dressed?” I asked looking at myself in the mirror.
This was how I always dressed.
“What if he’s taking you somewhere nice?”
I hadn’t thought of that.
“You don’t really think he’d do that, do you?” I asked nervously.
I hadn’t been nervous until that moment; it was only Jared after all. But now the thought of being taken somewhere nice where I would be totally underdressed completely stressed me out.
“Well, he’s only been waiting for you to go out with him for like 6 months now, so it’s very likely that he’s planning something special.” She said this with a twinkle in her eye, like it was a good thing.
I was completely terrified now. I just stared at my reflection.
“I don’t have anything else.” I said mostly to myself.
“I can take care of that!” Amy smiled, and I knew I was in trouble.
She ran to her closet and began sifting through her clothes.
I felt like a life-sized Barbie doll. She had me try on a dozen different outfits before she found one that she approved of. It was an emerald green silk dress, and I had to admit the color matched my eyes almost perfectly.
I liked the color, but I never wore dresses and I wasn’t exactly comfortable wearing one now. I felt nearly naked the way the thin silk clung to my body, and the spaghetti straps and scooped neck line left me feeling very exposed. To make matters worse she insisted that I wear a pair of high-heeled shoes. I had to walk circles around our small room to practice walking in them. She laughed as I stumbled around, but promised me that I would do fine. I was not so confident.
She fixed my hair for me and even helped me put a little make-up on. She was obviously enjoying herself immensely. I was regretting having told her about the date.
When she finished I looked at myself in the mirror and my mouth fell open. She had definitely chosen the right major. She had a real talent for fashion! I looked amazing, I barely recognized myself. But I was definitely out of my comfort zone, all dressed up like this, and then a scary thought occurred to me. What if I was overdressed?
“Well what do you think?” she asked impatiently as I stared in the mirror.
“I, um, don’t know. I mean the dress is beautiful, and the hair and everything. But what if he doesn’t take me somewhere nice?” I looked at her nervously, imagining how embarrassed I’d be if he showed up at my door tonight in a pair of jeans.
“Trust me.” She said with a knowing smile.
I should have known Dan would have already filled her in on Jared’s plans for the evening.
“Where is he taking me?” I asked eyeing her suspiciously.
She just shrugged nonchalantly.
“How should I know?” she smiled at me and winked.
Then I heard the knock on the door. I had butterflies in my stomach. I was definitely out of my comfort zone!
When I answered the door I was grateful for Amy’s makeover. Jared stood there in a suit and tie, looking surprisingly handsome. His light brown hair was perfectly combed without a hair out of place. His suit perfectly pressed. I knew he was a good looking guy, I had just never seen him dressed up before, so I was little surprised at just how good he looked, very sophistica
ted. He must have been thinking the same thing about me. He didn’t say anything for a minute, just stared at me with wide eyes.
“You… look… amazing.” He finally stammered after a minute.
I blushed at his compliment.
“So do you.” I said staring at my feet.
It was weird how self-conscious I felt with him all of a sudden. This was just Jared after all, the same guy I’d been dodging for the last 6 months. The same guy who sat next to me in nearly every class I had this semester. It must have been the fancy clothes that were making me so uncomfortable.
“Shall we” he said offering me his arm.
I looked back at Amy and she nodded at me encouragingly with a huge smile across her face. I hooked my arm through his, grateful that I’d be able to use him to help me balance in these ridiculous shoes.
When we got to his car I was surprised to see it was a BMW. I had never rode in a BMW before. He opened my door for me, and I blushed again as I slid onto the leather seat. Everything felt so formal.
The restaurant had valet parking, so we were able to pull right up to the front door. I was thankful for the short walk. I hated these shoes!
Jared had made reservations so we were taken directly to a table. I had never been inside a restaurant so nice before. I looked around at the lavish decorations and again was glad Amy had talked me out of my jeans.
As I looked at the menu I had to hold my breath not to gasp when I saw the prices. I searched for the cheapest thing I could find and even that was more than I had ever paid for a single meal.
After we ordered we began talking about our mutual classes and I was grateful for the familiarity of the topic. I began to relax as we talked and almost felt silly over how nervous I had been earlier. It was just Jared after all.
Our evening went smoothly, the conversation flowed well, and I was very impressed with the great effort Jared had put into the evening.
“I hope you had a good time tonight” Jared said as he drove me home.
“I had a great time!” I answered honestly “Thank you so much”
He smiled at my answer.
“You seemed so uncomfortable when I picked you up, I was worried you were regretting coming out with me tonight” The tone in his voice told me he was still a little worried about that.
“I regretted letting Amy play dress up with me.” I assured him.
“She did a great job.” He said smiling.
“Thanks, but next time let’s go for something a little more casual, okay?”
“So there will be a next time?” he asked hopefully.
“Only if you want to go out again” I qualified, realizing I had assumed he did.
“Of course!” he exclaimed “Tomorrow night too soon?”
“I have to work,” I laughed “but I’m off again Thursday”
“Thursday it is” he said triumphantly as we pulled to a stop in front of the dorms.
He walked me to the door, and I got a little nervous as we stopped to say goodbye. I hadn’t been on many first dates before and never one this formal, I was afraid he might expect a goodnight kiss. I wasn’t ready for that yet. I had a good time with Jared tonight, but I still wasn’t sure if my feelings for him were romantic. I needed more time.
“I’m really glad we did this.” He said
“Me too.” I agreed reaching for the door.
“So I guess I’ll see you Thursday?” he said it like a question, still worried that I might change my mind.
I felt bad for all the times I’d turned him down. He really was a great guy.
“Thursday”’ I confirmed “and I’m wearing my jeans!” I reminded him.
I had the door open now and he just stared at me for a minute. It made me a little uncomfortable.
“What?” I asked nervously.
“Just trying to memorize the way you look right now, since I’ll probably never see it again.” he teased, then quickly added “not that you don’t look great in jeans too!”
We both laughed. I was inside my room now and he sighed noting the distance between us.
“Thursday” he said nodding and then winked at me before turning to reluctantly walk away.
I closed the door and turned to face Amy. I had known she would wait up for me, so I wasn’t surprised.
“I want all the juicy details!” she declared looking at me expectantly.
I rolled my eyes but proceeded to give her a rundown of the evening as I undressed. She suggested that we double date Thursday night with her and Dan and I agreed. I was a little nervous about what sort of expectations there would be at the end of a second date. I thought having some other people around might make it feel more casual.
As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I thought about how well the night had gone. Better than I’d expected. Jared was very easy to talk to and fun to be around. I was looking forward to Thursday, and that surprised me a little. I couldn’t even remember why I had been so opposed to going out with him in the first place. Then I realized it was because this whole time I’d been hoping to run into my mystery man again, and I hadn’t wanted to be dating someone else when I finally did. That seemed so ridiculous now. Saving myself for someone I didn’t even know. It just wasn’t healthy.
I was glad that I had finally agreed to go out with Jared. I had a good time, and I hadn’t thought about the guy from the coffee shop all night. But now that I had thought of him, he consumed my thoughts again. I tried to picture Jared’s face in my mind, but all I could see was his. It was his face that was in my head as I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 6: Freedom
I spent the summer after my mother’s death traveling through Europe. A few days here, a few weeks there, depending on how much I liked the place. I was beginning to feel like a nomad, and I loved the freedom in that.
My whole life I had been so constrained, I had always been so obligated to everyone else around me. Now I had no one to answer to but myself. I carried all my belongings in a single shoulder bag. I could pick up and leave whenever the mood struck me. I was a free spirit, floating wherever the wind took me. But after several months the loneliness began to get to me.
It was a strange feeling not having anyone know where you were, having no one care. I missed having someone to talk to about my day, someone to laugh with someone to hang with. I missed Charlie. I had sent him a few letters in the last few months, but I had no return address for a reply. I never stayed anywhere long enough.
I was in France now. I liked it here. I sat at a small café in Paris watching the sunrise and writing another letter to Charlie. Telling him about all the places I’d seen since I’d last wrote.
“Vous habitez ici?” An exotic looking French woman at the table next to me was looking at me expectantly, so I assumed she was speaking to me.
“I’m sorry I don’t speak French” I apologized.
She smiled at me as if I’d answered her question.
“Ah, an American” she replied with a sexy French accent “très beau” she added nodding approvingly.
I smiled nervously.
“Visiting?” she asked moving over to sit at my table.
“Yes” I felt a little intimidated by her; she seemed so bold and confident, different than any woman I had met before.
“Do you know anyone in Paris?” she questioned.
She seemed to be enjoying my obvious nervousness.
“No actually. I’ve been traveling for a while now. I’ve been in Paris just a few days.”
She smiled again. She had full pouty lips, and a seductive smile.
“Un explorateur! Then you must let me show you the sights” she insisted. “What have you already seen?”
“Not much” I admitted.
I was grateful for the company. It was so nice to have someone to talk to after my months of solitude. Until she’d begun to speak to me I hadn’t realized how starved for conversation I had been. I folded the unfinished letter to Charlie and put it in my bag, I cou
ld finish it later.
“What do you recommend?” I asked, accepting her invitation to be my tour guide.
“Mon nom est Gisselle, but you can call me Elle” She smiled her seductive smile and grabbed my hand pulling me up from the table, her caramel colored curls bouncing playfully at her shoulders.
“I’m Michael.” I told her as I threw my bag over my shoulder and followed her from the café.
We spent the next several hours walking through the streets of Paris. She took me past Notre Dame and St. Chapelle, explaining the history of each with true reverence and passion. I wondered if she actually was a tour guide. She’d make a good one.
Next we visited the Louvre Museum. It was very impressive, but I had never been very comfortable in museums. Not since childhood. So we didn’t stay long. We ate lunch at a little café nestled in the Tuileries Gardens. It was the most fun I’d had since coming to Europe.
My personal tour continued after lunch. Place de la Concorde, Pont Alexander III, Napoleon’s tomb. She held my hand as she skipped through the ancient city enjoying my first impressions of monuments that she’d seen her whole life. She was truly magnetic. I followed her through Paris like a moth to a flame. Maybe it was just because of the intense isolation and loneliness that I’d been feeling, but I didn’t want this day to end.
Our day finally did end at the ultimate tourist attraction: the Eiffel Tower. We had seen so much in a single day. I was near exhaustion as we quietly ate dinner. I realized this was the longest stretch of silence we’d shared since we met.
Had that only been this morning?
Elle had peppered me with questions all day, in between her descriptions of the places we’d been. I realized she had learned so much about me, but I knew very little of her.
“So did you grow up in Paris?” I asked as we were finishing our dinner.
“Yes” she answered.
I waited for her to elaborate but she said nothing more. I thought it was strange after how talkative she’d been all day. Maybe she was just as tired as I was.
