by Tracey Smith
It seemed natural to just lean in and kiss her and it was an amazing kiss. I had never felt anything like it in my entire life. No kiss I had ever had before could even compare. I wanted more than anything to never stop kissing her.
But suddenly I was apprehensive. I didn’t want to scare her. I didn’t want to seem like some crazy stalker pushing myself on her after having only just met. I tried to remind myself that even though I felt like I’d known her for years she probably didn’t feel the same way. I knew that I shouldn’t be kissing her this way that I shouldn’t want to take her in my arms and do so much more. At least I couldn’t let her know that’s what I wanted.
It took all of my self-control to reign in my emotions and reluctantly I pulled away from her. I did my best to seem casual. But inside I felt like my entire life had led up to this moment. Inside I was elated.
All of my dreams were coming true and I wasn’t going to ruin it. I wasn’t going to rush this. Not like I did with Elle. We were going to do this the right way. One step at a time. I owed Katherine that much. She was kissing me back now, but how would she feel later when she realized she’d kissed a perfect stranger. I didn’t want to be that to her, I didn’t want to be a stranger. I wanted to know her, to be with her the right way. So I did what seemed like the next logical step. I asked her out to dinner.
She seemed confused which bothered me. Didn’t she want to go out with me? After everything she just told me. How she’d thought of me, even looked for me. How she was upset when she had seen me with Elle. Upset enough to quit her job and move. After all that wouldn’t she want to go out with me?
Maybe she was already regretting that kiss. Maybe I moved too fast and now she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go out with me, be alone with me. Agonizing seconds passed before she agreed and I promised myself that tomorrow night I wouldn’t make the same mistake. I would take things slowly. I would do this the right way.
After finishing the mural like I’d promised I went home and lay awake all night thinking of how remarkably beautiful she was, she outshined even the way I’d remembered her in my dreams. I imagined how I would paint her. Almond shaped emerald green eyes encircled by dark full lashes. Her lower lip slightly fuller than the top giving her a sensual pout. Her chestnut hair falling in thick waves around her oval face. I realized in that instant that I had found my muse. Would she find it odd if I asked if I could paint her? Would that be too intense for a first date?
I could not let myself forget that this was going to be a first date. Regardless of how long I’d yearned for her, I had really only just met her. I had to try to act that way. I would not scare her off with the intensity of my emotion. I would do this the right way.
Eventually I must have fallen asleep because it was about noon when I woke up. I was grateful that I had slept so late. It just reduced the amount of time I had to wait until I could see Katherine again. I decided for our first date I would take her to a carnival that they had just set up on the pier. Fun, laughing, lightness. That was a good first date. No pressure. Just time to get to know each other.
I was at the bakery to meet her by 2:45. I knew I was a little early but I couldn’t wait to see her again. The bell jingled as I walked through the front door and Amy looked up from the counter.
“Michael!” she said looking very excited to see me.
“Hey Amy,” I said suddenly feeling kind of shy “Guess you didn’t expect to see me again, huh?”
“Oh no! Katherine told me everything. I’m just so thrilled! I mean you seem like such a great guy, and Katherine really needs to get out every now and then if you know what I mean. I mean not that other guys don’t ask her out… but… you know…” Amy was stammering and seemed nervous too.
“Thanks for the great intro.” Katherine laughed from the kitchen door. We both turned to look at her.
Her beauty once again stunned me. I wondered if I would ever get used to it, or if I would always feel this moment of shock every time I saw her. Her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she was wearing a tight fitting faded blue t-shirt with a band logo on it and a snug pair of jeans that hugged her hips in a way that made it hard to look anywhere else. It reminded me of how she looked that first night I had seen her in the coffee shop.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” Amy exclaimed
“She’s perfect.” I insisted before Katherine could respond. She blushed.
“I didn’t know how to dress.” She said looking down self-consciously.
“Tell me about it.” Amy mumbled.
“It’s perfect, really.” I assured her “I thought we could go to the carnival they just set up on the pier. Unless you wanted to go somewhere else?”
“No! That sounds great!” Katherine said looking relieved.
“Okay well you kids have fun. I’ll close up.” Amy said shooing us towards the door.
I walked Katherine to my truck and opened the door for her. She smiled and climbed inside. We made small talk all the way to the pier and I actually felt nervous. I was definitely doing a good job with keeping things casual like I had planned but the effort to be casual seemed to create an undefined tension.
Once at the carnival we made the rounds playing games. She beat me at the balloon popping game, but I redeemed myself by winning her a teddy bear at the ring toss. We laughed and talked as we walked around playing games and taking in the sights.
She told me a little about her childhood. I was surprised to find out she’d been raised in foster homes, but was glad to be learning these sorts of facts about her. I never knew anything about Elle’s childhood even after having lived with her for almost a year. I told her about my parents and why I had left after my mother died. She seemed just as eager to be learning about me.
I was more confident than ever about taking this slowly and getting to know each other. The next time we kissed she would know who she was kissing. My heart raced as I thought about kissing her again but I knew I had to keep it under control.
“I’m starving.” She said after we’d been walking around for a couple hours.
“Me too!” I agreed. “Well let’s see. We have a wide selection of corn dogs, cotton candy and funnel cake at our finger tips, or if you’d like we could go to a restaurant.”
“Corn dogs sound great!” She laughed and we made our way to a concession booth.
We took our corn dogs and sodas to a bench that I had seen toward the outer edges of the carnival and sat down to eat.
“Sorry, I guess this isn’t exactly fine dining.” I said waving my corn dog
“It’s perfect.” She laughed “Really I’m having a great time. Best first date ever!”
“Mine too.” I said meaningfully all joking gone for the moment.
She looked into my eyes and suddenly I was very aware of how close we were sitting. It was dark over here away from all the bright carnival lights. I wanted more than anything to grab her up in my arms and never let her go. Would that be moving too fast?
“So how’d you like the mural?” I asked sitting back.
I hadn’t realized we’d been leaning in toward each other until I pulled away.
“It’s perfect.” She seemed dazed for a minute “I mean how did you know?”
“Know what?”
“Well did Amy tell you about that cliff or something?”
“She just said a beach actually. I chose to paint a scene from some cliffs that I visit often.” I explained.
“I think I’ve been there.” She whispered. “It’s exactly what I imagined that I wanted painted. I couldn’t understand how you knew. It’s my favorite place.”
“Mine too.” We were leaning toward each other again. “Well it was.”
“Was? It isn’t anymore?” She asked
“Nope.”
“Where is?”
“Right here, right now.”
I couldn’t resist any longer. I had to kiss her. I had waited long enough hadn’t I? People kissed on first dates. She was lea
ning toward me too. Surely she felt what I felt. I began to lean in when suddenly a blinding light was shining in my eyes. We both jerked upright and squinted into the glaring light.
“Carnivals shutting down for the night, time to move along.” A gruff security guard informed us as he lowered his flashlight.
We both stood and moved along, neither of us talking until we reached my truck. Then suddenly Katherine was laughing.
“What’s so funny?” I asked as I started the truck
“The way that security guard busted us, like we were a couple of kids or something. It just struck me as funny.” She giggled again.
I thought about the not-so-perfect timing the security guard had. If he hadn’t interrupted us at that moment I was sure I would have kissed her. But would I have stopped there? Could I stop there? Of course I could if she wanted me to. But would she want me to? Maybe not tonight, but what about tomorrow?
I didn’t want to see the look of regret on her face in the morning. I had faced that look nearly every morning for a year. I couldn’t bear to see that in her beautiful emerald eyes. I needed to give her time to catch up with me. To know that she loved me the way I loved her. And I did love her. I knew I did.
My feelings for her ran so deep, were so strong. It took so much self-control just to feign this casual air I tried to keep around her. If I let that slip, could I get it back? If I kissed her once, I’d want to kiss her again. Maybe it was good that we’d been interrupted. Our first date had been a success. We’d learned a lot about each other. We’d had fun. We were on the right track. I was doing this the right way.
I thought about this the whole drive back to the bakery where she’d left her car. When we arrived I walked her to car and then she stopped and turned to face me. Our bodies were so close she had to incline her head to look up at me. I could feel my pulse racing, my breathing was ragged. I wanted to kiss her. Wanted it more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted more than that. I wanted to take her, right here right now. That sudden surge of desire reminded me of why I had to take it slow. I knew once I started kissing her I wouldn’t stop.
It was too soon. Not yet I told myself. Take this slowly. Just like I had the night before I reached over and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face allowing my fingers to graze her soft skin.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” I asked.
“Of course.” She whispered.
I smiled and then summoned all my self-control to turn and walk away.
Chapter 17: Tomorrow
The day after meeting Michael was the longest of my life. I worked mechanically, wishing for the day to end so I could see him again.
“Are you okay?” Amy asked me after the breakfast crowd had passed.
“Didn’t sleep much.” I replied.
I wondered if I should tell her about Michael. What would I say? I finally met the mystery man that I’ve obsessed over for years and last night I spent the evening with him. Now I’m hopelessly in love and can’t stand being apart from him for a few hours. I knew she would think I was crazy, so I didn’t say anything.
“Did you pay the painter?” she asked.
I started laughing and she frowned at me.
“What’s going on Katherine?” She demanded looking at me seriously.
I gave up. It was easier to tell her the truth than to try to cover it up. I started from the beginning, the coffee shop. When I finished my story she just stared at me for a minute.
“So you’re telling me that the painter who’s been painting our wall, Michael, is the mystery man from the coffee shop at UCSD? The same guy you saw at the wedding we catered a few years ago, which had you so upset that you quit your job and moved? And now you’ve met him and he is just as oddly obsessed with you?”
The way she said it didn’t sound quite right, but I nodded anyway.
“Wow.” Was all she said and then she just stared at me for a few more minutes. I was sure she was trying to decide whether or not to have me committed.
“But I wouldn’t say he’s just as obsessed with me.” I said remembering how quickly his mood had shifted after he’d kissed me.
“Why do you say that?” Amy asked. “If he’s not crazy about you then he’s just plain crazy.”
“I think you’re a little biased.” I laughed “But he is coming tonight after work to take me out. Be nice okay?”
“You have a date?” Amy looked like she was going to burst she was so happy.
“Yeah, I guess I do.” I shrugged.
“Where’s he taking you?”
“I don’t know actually. He’s just meeting me here at 3.”
“What are you going to wear?”
“Hadn’t really thought about it.”
“How can you not think about what you’re going to wear before a date?”
“I don’t know, I’ve got a couple of changes of clothes up here in the office. It’ll be fine.”
“Your sense of fashion is seriously warped.”
Luckily I had enough baking to do that I was able to retreat into the kitchen and escape her commentary on my wardrobe.
Michael arrived just before we closed the shop. Amy made a complete fool of herself, or at least of me fumbling over explanations of how relieved she was to finally see me dating. I had been in the bathroom trying to fix my hair when I heard him come in, but when I heard Amy start in with her nervous ranting I just pulled it up into my usual ponytail.
Amy of course had to comment on my lack of fashion sense, but Michael honestly didn’t seem to mind. He was dressed equally casually in jeans and a light sweater that framed his broad muscular shoulders in a way that sent butterflies fluttering around inside me. I had never before paid much attention to any man’s build, and had definitely never been affected by one like this.
Michael took me to a carnival on the pier and I was extremely impressed by his lack of effort to impress me. He didn’t take me to some fancy formal restaurant like Jared or Rick had. He was more interested in getting to know me than trying to impress me.
We had an amazing time laughing, talking, and playing games. Finally as the night drew to a close we stole away to a secluded bench to eat some corn dogs and I thought the moment had finally come. He was going to kiss me again. I’d been longing for this moment ever since our last kiss ended. I could feel my body tensing in anticipation. I remembered how wonderful his lips had felt against mine.
I wanted him to kiss me. He wanted it too I could see it in his eyes. Then just as he was leaning in a very unwelcome security guard interrupted us. It made me feel like a teenager getting caught making out behind the bleachers. But we hadn’t even had a chance to make out!
Michael was quiet the whole drive back to the bakery. It made me nervous. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Sometimes he seemed so open, and other times he was very guarded as if he was holding together a delicate pretense that was in danger of crumbling. I didn’t know what to make of it.
When he walked me to my car I thought surely he would kiss me now. It was the end of our first date. Wasn’t a kiss customary? I turned to face him, inclining my head because we were so close. His eyes were smoldering, his look intense. My knees felt weak. I began to tremble. My breathing was shallow and my heart was racing. I was sure if he didn’t kiss me quickly the butterflies in my stomach would burst right out of me.
Then he reached over and brushed my hair aside just as he’d done the night before. My heart stuttered at his touch. He asked if he could see me tomorrow. I agreed in a breathless whisper still waiting for the kiss I was longing for. Our faces were so close all I would have to do was stand on my tiptoes to close the distance. I looked into his eyes expectantly.
Then he turned around and walked away.
I felt confused, rejected. Didn’t he want me? He wanted to see me again. But why didn’t he kiss me? Was he still trying to decide if he wanted me? What had I done wrong?
I tormented myself with those questions on the drive home. Did
he not feel the same desire I felt? The same unbearable pull to touch him, hold him, kiss him? I thought about our kiss the night before. It had been amazing. At least for me it had. Was it not the same for him?
I had so little experience with this, but I was sure there had been a connection. How could I have misread the situation so completely? I fell asleep that night full of questions and confusion.
The next day my stomach was in knots as I waited to see if he would come to see me. He was there just before 3 like he had been the day before. I was elated to see him walk through the door. His greeting smile told me he was just as happy to see me. I rushed around the counter and stopped abruptly just in front of him almost knocking right into him in my excitement.
“Hi.”
I laughed nervously at how anticlimactic my greeting sounded after the myriad of emotions I’d felt upon seeing him.
“Hey.” He said as he reached over and brushed a loose strand of hair from my forehead and tucked it behind my ear. That did it. That one simple act was enough to push me over the edge. I wanted him and I needed to find out if he wanted me.
“Would you like to come back to my apartment tonight?” I blurted out “I could fix you dinner.” I quickly added offering a reasonable excuse for my request.
My knees trembled as I looked into his eyes waiting for a response. I couldn’t believe I was being so forward, but the thought of going home again to torment myself over each moment of the day was just too much for me tonight.
He continued to stare into my eyes and he looked as if he was struggling with something. I couldn’t understand what it could be. Was he trying to find a way to turn me down without hurting my feelings?
“It’s still early, how about we catch a movie first.” He suggested.
“Okay.”
I wasn’t sure why I felt disappointed. We were still spending the evening together, but it almost seemed like he was avoiding being alone with me. Isn’t that exactly what I used to do with Jared? Maybe I was just being paranoid. The invitation for dinner at my place hadn’t been rejected just postponed until after the movie. Besides a movie could be fun.
