by Glynis Astie
I almost forgot to tell you! An unforeseen bonus to tonight’s festivities was my mom telling me about a mix up with my aunt’s airline tickets. Somehow, not only had she managed to miss the rehearsal dinner, but she would also barely make the ceremony. I was thrilled at this turn of events, since my aunt’s favorite sport is to give me a hard time. (I’m not sure what great sin I’ve committed to make her hate me as she does, but she’s never said a nice thing either to or about me.)
Wait a minute. My mom is the one who made the reservations for her. There’s no way my mom would have made such a mistake. Unless, she was giving me one last gift before the wedding. Not having to set eyes on my aunt until the ceremony was over. Thank you, Mom. Now all I had to worry about was whatever Simone had in store for me…
Chapter Thirty-One
Do you remember when I said I had made it to the wedding of my dreams? Yes, of course you do, since that was just last night. Well, this was an incredibly stupid thing for me to say. One would think, after all the craziness I’ve been through in the past year, the past month, the past week (take your pick), I would finally catch a break. One would think I would be able to leisurely enjoy the last few hours before my wedding with my closest friends and family. One would think I would be allowed a little peace and quiet FOR ONCE. No, no and no.
Deep breath, Sydney. Clearly, I have some explaining to do. OK, I don’t know if you remember this, but shortly before I met Louis, I had this crazy dream about my imaginary wedding and all sorts of ridiculous things went wrong. My wedding dress was misplaced, the flowers were ruined and my bridesmaids dropped out of the ceremony like flies. I couldn’t help but remember this dream since one event which took place on my actual wedding day was eerily similar. Perhaps similar is not strong enough of a word. It was the EXACT same thing that happened in my crazy dream. The worst possible thing that could happen to any woman on her wedding day. You guessed it! My wedding gown was, in fact, missing.
I had assumed my parents had kept it with them following their transport of this precious cargo to the hotel and I would retrieve it from my mom’s care the morning of the wedding. The rehearsal dinner had been all consuming and I hadn’t even thought to ask my mother what she had done with my gown. Then, the morning of my wedding, the one I had been waiting a lifetime for, I called my mom to ask her if I could come pick up my dress.
The other end of the phone was silent. That was odd. I had heard my mother say hello, hadn’t I?
I cleared my throat. “Mom? Are you there?”
She stammered. “Um, Sydney, have you checked your closet?”
I was confused. “Why would it be in MY closet? Don’t you have it?”
I heard my mom whispering furiously in the background. What was she up to?
She coughed in an exaggerated fashion. “OK, honey, I don’t want you to panic, but…”
You have to be fucking kidding me. Has everyone missed out on the most basic Sydney-handling instructions??? The FIRST and ONLY thing I’m going to do when someone tells me not to panic, is PANIC. And do you want to know why? Because whenever someone tells you not to panic, it’s DEFINITELY time to panic!!!
I took a deep breath. “Why shouldn’t I panic?” My voice was strangely calm.
My mom’s voice; however, was shaky. “Well…when we got here yesterday…I, um, asked the concierge to deliver your dress to your room. I thought it would make you happy to see it sitting there when you arrived.”
I knew the dress was not in the closet in the bedroom since I had unpacked last night. There had been plenty of room for all our pre and post-wedding ensembles. A pit started to form in the depths of my stomach. I was getting married in seven hours and I didn’t have a wedding dress. I DIDN’T HAVE A WEDDING DRESS!!! I had no idea what I was going to do. It’s not like I had a backup dress. I mean, who could possibly be prepared for this kind of scenario? As the anxiety overwhelmed me, my whole body began to shake.
“Syd? Are you there?” My mom’s voice was becoming hysterical. “Is it possible there’s another closet in your room? It is a suite, right?”
I jumped to my feet, dropped the phone and ran to the living room, only tripping four times on the way. (I am a klutz, after all. A klutz in panic mode is a disaster waiting to happen.) There were two other closets. Could it be? I ran over to the first one and wrenched open the door to find…an ironing board. I held my breath and opened the other closet door to find…extra blankets. Awesome! Maybe I could fashion them into a makeshift wedding dress. Maya could bedazzle them or maybe we could sew some fresh flowers onto them…oh my God! I’ve just lost my mind. Right here, right in front of your very eyes.
I couldn’t even imagine not getting married in my beautiful dress. You remember it, don’t you? I’ve certainly described it to you often enough. But let me remind you of the absolute perfection I had chosen. The white satin fitted bodice had spaghetti straps and was intricately beaded in the most beautiful floral patterns. The white tulle skirt was floor length with a hint of a train. Because of the multiple layers of tulle, the skirt was very full and small patterns of beadwork had been woven into the design. It was breathtaking and it fit me perfectly. Best of all, I felt like a princess, as every woman should on her wedding day.
When the reality of my missing dress ultimately hit me, I collapsed on the floor in a heap and began to sob.
Louis had just gotten out of the shower and came running into the room, a towel flapping around his waist.
“Mon coeur? What is the matter?”
I kept sobbing, “My dress...”
He was baffled. “What about your dress?”
I pointed back to the bedroom. He looked between me and the door to the bedroom and walked over to the door cautiously. I then heard him pick up the phone from the floor, ascertain my mom was on the other end and speak to her for a few minutes.
When he returned to the living room, he was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. He knelt next to me and began to rub my back.
“Syd, it is going to be OK.”
I stared at him in disbelief. “How?”
He sighed. “We will find your dress. Do not worry.”
That was it. “Are you serious? Don’t worry? DON’T WORRY?”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Mon coeur…”
I shook my head and got up. “This is BULLSHIT. After everything we’ve gone through. After everything it took to make it to this day.”
I began to pace the room as Louis stared after me. He must’ve thought I had finally lost it. Wait, I had lost it, hadn’t I? I don’t think I can tell you for sure. But, please, what woman wouldn’t lose it in this situation? Crazy or not? No DRESS on your wedding day? There’s no sane way to deal with this kind of crisis.
I took a deep breath and tried to slow down my thought process. Yeah, good luck with that, Syd. I held my head in my hands. “This can’t be happening. I can’t think of any way out of this mess.”
Louis ventured into the conversation I was having with myself. “Your mom has every employee of this hotel looking for your dress at this very moment. We will send our family members out to look too if necessary.”
Our families. Abruptly a very disturbing thought occurred to me. I snapped my head back to him. “You know, if it weren’t for your mother and her four fucking suitcases, we could’ve been able to fit my dress in the van with us and I wouldn’t be in this situation!!!”
At last, I had someone to hold responsible for this atrocity. And it felt good! Right now, I didn’t really care if it were entirely her fault or not. Louis certainly could have told her she couldn’t bring all four bags with her, but he chose not to. He hadn’t wanted to engage in that battle. His decision had just bit him in the ass. Hard.
Louis studied me, weighing his options of how to respond to this statement. He knew there was a great amount of truth to what I had said, but probably wanted to protect his mother from my wrath.
He opened his mouth to speak. I held up my hand to silence him.
“Do NOT even think of defending her right now.”
He sighed. “Syd, we will find the dress.”
My eyes widened in mock surprise. “Really? Well, if you’re sure, then there’s no reason to be worried.” Is he kidding me? Patronizing me like that? Acting like it’s no big deal that my dress is GONE?
Suddenly, the pent up rage I had against his mother burst. I was absolutely livid at the thought of all the hoops I had jumped through for her. I thought of all the costume changes, the endless parade of visitors I was pranced around in front of and most of all, the number of humiliating performances she required me to give. I began to seethe with anger as I thought of the various times she had laughed heartily at my expense. And now, because of her selfish need to have every possible clothing option available to her for a TWO DAY trip, I didn’t have my wedding dress. Something had to be done.
I hadn’t noticed it, but my hands were balled into fists and I was shaking with fury from head to toe. I met Louis’ gaze and found he was looking at me with an expression of pure panic on his face. This is highly unusual for someone as calm as my husband, but I believe it was clear to him, his mother should fear for her safety at this moment in time.
I started for the door and Louis instantly pulled me into his arms. “Syd, please calm down.”
I made a futile attempt to escape, flailing my arms uselessly against his iron grip. “I’m perfectly calm. I just need to talk to your mother.”
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Louis released his grip and sprinted over to it. If his mother were on the other side of it, he would need to remove her from my sight tout de suite. Thankfully for all parties involved, he opened the door to find Zoe and Maya bearing gifts. Zoe had a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy and Maya had a bottle of tequila and three tumblers. (Apparently shot glasses were too small for this type of occasion.) What an interesting pair they made. It was easily enough to distract me, if only for a moment.
Zoe came over to me and pulled me into her arms. “Listen, sweetie. I know this sucks. I know you’re scared and pissed and…outraged. But I promise you, it will be OK.” She had that right. I was pretty damn outraged. At the hotel. At my crazy mother-in-law. At the world. But what good would it do me? It wasn’t going to make my dress reappear.
I sighed and squeezed her tight. “Thank you. I really want to believe you, but…”
Maya rubbed my back. “Syd, I guarantee you, the hotel staff will find your dress.” I would later discover she threatened to have her extensive and well-traveled network ensure this hotel paid for their extreme carelessness in losing one of their bride’s gowns.
I turned to Maya. “I wish I had your confidence.”
She smirked. “Of course you do.”
I gazed miserably back at her. “What if you’re wrong?” Now, if Kate had told me my dress would turn up, I would have to believe her, because as we know, she’s always right. But Kate was nowhere to be found. She was most likely leading the dress recovery expedition. If it were in the hotel, she would find it.
Maya rolled her eyes at me. “When has that ever happened?”
Zoe rolled her eyes at Maya. “Plenty of times.” Then she turned to me. “Instead of reliving all those fun stories, let’s talk about a backup plan.”
Maya shot daggers at her.
Zoe didn’t even flinch. “Just in case we need it.”
Maya scoffed. “You won’t need it, but if for some really bizarre reason, your dress is not found, we can modify your rehearsal dinner dress into a wedding dress.”
I gawked at her. “Pink? I’m going to get married in a PINK dress?” Simone would LOVE that. Maybe she was behind this whole thing. Maybe she didn’t like my dress and plans to force me to wear one of her choosing. OK, MAYBE your overly stimulated brain is carrying your delusions a little too far. Get it together, Syd.
Zoe laughed. “You would’ve loved the idea as a little girl.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “I was seven years old! I really liked pink!”
Maya cleared her throat. “Sydney. Relax.”
I gave her a murderous look. She knew how I felt about being told to relax. Especially in a situation like this! Who could possibly relax now? I eyed Maya, focusing on the bottle of tequila in her hand. I bet a little liquor would help me relax.
I held out my hands and she gave me the bottle and one of the glasses. After sitting down at the table and pouring myself a generous shot, I turned to Maya.
“So, how exactly, would you modify my dress from last night?”
She brightened. “Well, there’s this, um, costume shop up the street.”
I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly. I then opened my eyes, downed my generous shot in one grossly unladylike gulp and returned my attention to Maya.
I grimaced from the aftershock of the tequila. “Please, go on.”
She faltered slightly. “There’s an ivory lace gown in the window. The bodice is absolutely hideous…”
Zoe imparted a meaningful look at Maya, making it very clear that her last comment was not helping and she needed to get to the point.
Maya exhaled quickly. “The skirt of the gown is made of this really delicate lace. It’s floor length and must have tons of layers of crinoline underneath because it is a pretty full skirt. We could hack off the hideous bodice and attach the skirt to your existing dress, using the pink lace skirt as an overlay to cover the Frankenstein job we’ll have to do to piece it together.”
I pondered her idea for a second. Zoe jumped in for the final sell.
“And remember, I brought my veil as your something borrowed. The color is somewhere in-between your white dress and antique ivory, so it should blend nicely.”
The ticking clock signaled it was eleven in the morning, leaving us six measly hours until the wedding. I looked back at Maya, tears forming in my eyes.
“OK,” I whispered.
Maya leapt into action. “I’m going to go to the costume shop now and work my magic.” She was gone before I could even say good-bye.
Zoe sat down at the table next to me. “Do you need anything?”
I nodded, taking a moment to formulate my thought. “Will you help me kill my mother-in-law?”
Zoe cackled. I smiled weakly and poured myself another shot.
She squeezed my hand gently. “That’s the last one you get, my friend. This day will be more than enough to handle completely sober.”
For the next hour, I paced the room, desperately wondering what garment I would be wearing to the wedding ceremony today. The hotel still hadn’t located my dress and there had been no word from Maya as to the status of the dress with the hideous bodice. It was five hours until the wedding and the stress was becoming more than I could handle. Zoe insisted on staying with me until we had a game plan in place. Since Louis was out scouring the hotel for my dress, I think she was worried I might target his mother if left alone with my thoughts for too long. And she was absolutely right…
At noon there was a knock at the door to our suite. Zoe and I looked at each other in confusion. Who could that be? We hadn’t ordered room service and any person we knew would have called the room first to gage my mental state. They wouldn’t have been daring enough to walk right in to the lion’s den.
I cautiously walked over to the door and peered through the peephole. Whoever was had knocked was pretty damn short, since I could only see a tuft of blond hair. As I wondered who it could be, I heard a very distinctive, “Allô?”
I froze. It was Simone. She was on the other side of the door. She was purposely putting herself in my path. How was I going to keep from killing her? Well, OK, not actually killing her, but I was pretty sure I wanted to wring her neck!
I stared at Zoe helplessly. “It’s Simone! Why is she here?”
She seemed as confused as I did. “Open the door and find out.” She paused. “And be nice.”
Be nice? Really? I sighed. Fine, I would do my best to be NICE. As I reached for the doorkn
ob, I realized my hands were shaking even more than before. Was it the rage charging through my veins? The outrage? The indignation? Whatever you label it, I was still fucking pissed off at her.
I opened the door and tried to smile. I don’t think I was very successful due to the look of unease on her face. She smiled tentatively and offered me a white garment bag.
I found myself suddenly unable to breathe. What was in the bag? I had worn so many dresses of her choosing in France and I hated every single one of them. She and I were at completely opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of our preferred style and I had accepted that. I had endured being her Barbie doll for the sake of her family and friends, but I had no intention of doing so here. On MY turf. On MY big day. Especially not when she had been involved with the disappearance of my dress.
Zoe helped me into a chair. “Syd, breathe. It’s just a garment bag.”
I started laughing. Just a garment bag! She had never been on the receiving end of one of these things. She had no idea of the endless possibilities of just a garment bag.
The giggles fizzled out when I discovered Simone starting at me as though I were crazy. Well, in truth, I was crazy, but I shouldn’t let her see that. A girl had to maintain some privacy and, um, some sense of decorum. I cleared my throat, thanked Simone for the dress (I was assuming it was a dress and not a pantsuit or kulats or God knows what else…) and took the garment bag from her. I then laid the bag on the couch, swallowed my fear and unzipped it. The contents shocked me more than I can say.
