by Jane Redd
He raised his head. Finally. “She doesn’t concern you.” His hands tightened on the side of the tablet.
“Maybe it would help her—”
“The sun won’t make a difference,” he snapped.
“Would it hurt to try?”
He ignored me and continued typing into his tablet. My hands clenched and unclenched as I tried to stop the tingle of anger growing in my body. I’d been in this place less than a week, and I’d already lost control of my emotions several times.
I remembered Rueben’s warning about what they might do to me. To him. To all of us. Altering. Weren’t we supposed to be finding a way to preserve future generations? Not destroying the one we already had?
I breathed out. I couldn’t stand it anymore. The silence. The frowns. The unanswered questions. “Am I going through all of this testing only for you to erase me?”
His eyes lifted, and it felt like it was first time he really looked at me. Really saw me. I was struck again by how young he was, maybe nineteen or twenty. “Is that what you think we’re doing here?”
My face reddened, and I tried to swallow the words that forced their way out. But I knew I could no longer stay silent, no longer pretend I was all right with all that was going on in Phase Three. The seeds of anger that had been growing inside me, suddenly sprouted, and there was nothing I could to do control it. “I saw what happened to Grace. She didn’t do anything wrong. She’s only a kid.”
I was afraid he wasn’t going to answer at first. “You don’t know what you are talking about, Miss J. I advise you to keep quiet.” His voice had a hard edge to it.
I stood and moved toward the door, knowing I couldn’t get out on my own, but wanting to be as far away from him as possible. “And if I don’t keep quiet, you’ll alter me as well?” I knew this was a mistake, but the emotions were a flood now. “Maybe you should just alter me right now—save me from all these idiotic tests.”
Matthews moved to my side with lightning speed, his hand flashing toward my shoulder. A stab of pain shot through it, but it was too late to react. Matthews stepped away, his face grim, an injector in his hand.
“I see you’ve been talking to Rueben,” he said with a ferocious snarl.
I opened my mouth to respond, but my body went numb. Off balance, I tilted back and collapsed against the door.
* * *
There was a time when all I wanted to see was the sun. But now, I’d take the thick gray clouds, the cold rain . . . anything but this.
Without moving and without opening my eyes, I knew I was in a blacked-out cell. The floor was as cold as the wall I leaned against.
My shoulder throbbed where I’d been injected, but my head hurt even worse. I pulled my knees to my chest and cradled my shoulder. How long had I been here? Minutes? Hours?
Holding my breath, I listened. For any sound.
But I only heard my heart thumping as my pulse throbbed in my ears. I exhaled, letting my own rush of warm breath ripple over my hands.
Tears threatened, and in the blackness I let them fall. Shame followed. I’d let my anger surface at the worst possible time, to the worst possible person. Dr. Matthews had no doubt reported it, and I had lost all chance of an early release from this prison. If I’d had a chance at all.
Sol and Chalice were a fading memory; even Rueben seemed remote.
I leaned forward, away from the cold wall. My head was spinning—whatever Matthews had injected me with was making me dizzy. I had to get out of this place. I had to apologize to Matthews. I had to pass the tests. I had to go to the University.
I had to see the sun.
How could you be so stupid? I wanted to scream it, but only let it rebound within my head.
It would be six months until the next Solstice. If I missed this one . . . I can’t miss it.
I struggled to my feet, bracing myself against the wall as a jolt of dizziness engulfed me. I took a step, ignoring the pulsing against my temples. My hands glided along the smooth, malleable walls until I found the metal door.
“Dr. Matthews!” I shouted. Then I started to bang on the door. “Dr. Matthews! Please let me out!”
I don’t know what I expected—maybe the door sliding open and a guard waiting to shock me, or a scientist with another injection. But I didn’t expect silence.
“Dr. Matthews! Someone! Please!”
Nothing again. I slid to the floor in exhaustion.
I closed my eyes and thought of the last Solstice, when Sol and I spent the whole day in the school yard with the other kids. We had left our raincoats in heaps on the concrete ground, turning our faces upward and spreading our arms, welcoming the yellow rays.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I pretended the warmth was from the sun’s heat. Right now, I thought, right now, the sun might be out.
“Please!” I croaked, my voice not much more than a whisper. I had no strength to stand, none to call out or to pound on the door anymore.
I had no strength to cry.
I’d been forgotten.
Fifteen
I didn’t move when the door opened. A square of yellow light settled on my legs and I peered through my lashes at the two men who stood there. Guards or scientists, I wasn’t sure.
They spoke in low voices, but their tones vibrated through my ears and made my head throb again. One of the men leaned over and took my wrist, pressing against my skin to feel my pulse. Then he lifted each of my eyelids, shining a small light in my eyes.
I remained motionless—not by choice. My limbs felt as if they had been shackled to the floor.
Apparently, the men standing over me realized the same thing and lifted me. I was carried unceremoniously through the corridors and dumped onto a bed in the dormitory. The light was dim and several silent forms occupied various beds. The day was over, and night had come.
I had missed the Solstice.
The sun wouldn’t appear for another six months, and I would be underground for three of them.
One of the men draped a blanket over me, and after checking the flat monitor above my bed, they shuffled out.
A tear formed beneath my half-closed lids, but it was so small, it didn’t even have the strength to move down my face. It, like me, was depleted.
I wondered how long the sun had shone today. Did the kids in our prison cast off their jackets and dance around in the gold and white rays? Did their fair skin turn pink? Did anyone wonder where I was? Had Rueben missed me?
With great effort, I turned my head, looking for Rueben. His usual bed was empty. I turned the other way, trying to identify the sleeping people in the beds. One was the copper-skinned girl, the other a girl I didn’t recognize.
My fingers started to tingle, and I was able to move them. Then the tingling spread along my hands and up my arms and I realized the numbness from the injection was wearing off. The tingling created a strange warmth in my body, as if there were a ray of sunshine within me, trying to emerge. It moved to my torso, my legs, and my feet. After several minutes, when I trusted my strength, I sat up. Eventually I made my way to the latrine on shaky legs. I washed the best I could.
I stared at my image in the mirror. My hair usual thick brown hair was lank and wet on the sides, my face dripping with water, my dark brown eyes bloodshot. I looked pale and sickly, despite my normal olive skin coloring, and again I wondered what they had drugged me with.
My chest tightened with anger, with sorrow, with frustration, but tears refused to come this time. I touched the image in the mirror as if I could feel a human connection that way, but felt only the cold rejection of the mirror.
I lowered my hands and braced myself on the edge of the sink. I had to get out of this prison. Rueben had told me he’d been here for nearly three months. But where was he now? The look of disgust in Matthews’s eyes when he mentioned Rueben had frightened me. Had Rueben been punished for my outburst?
Taking a deep breath, I dried my face and hands, then left the latrine. I came to a stop when I saw someone wait
ing outside. “Rueben.”
He put his fingers to his lips. There was bruising on his face and a wild look in his eyes.
“What happened?” I whispered.
He crossed to me. “My time is up. They’ve altered me,” he said in a shaky voice. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll be coherent.”
Fear threaded its way through my limbs. Was the wildness in his eyes just the beginning?
I reached up and touched the side of his face that wasn’t bruised. “They hurt you.”
His hand covered mine, lowering it. “I didn’t go down easy.”
“Oh, Rueben.” I felt heartsick, and before I could think better of it, I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him like I’d never been allowed to hug anyone before.
His arms went around me, too, holding me tight. “I’ll be fine.”
“No you won’t.” My voice caught in a sob. “You saw what happened to Grace.”
But he didn’t respond, only tightened his embrace.
If I had the power to stop time, I would have done it right then. The next minutes, the next hours, were too fearful to comprehend. I buried my face in his neck, memorizing his scent, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine. This moment, this space in time, was ours alone.
“That’s what I like about you, Jezebel,” he whispered. “You’re not afraid to show emotion. You’re real.”
Cold seeped through my body, and with it came sadness. The exact reason he liked me was why I was here in the first place. It was also the reason that I’d met him. I had been taken away from Sol, only to find another friendship in the most unlikely of places.
Releasing my grip on Rueben, I looked him over. “Did you miss Solstice, too?”
He nodded slightly, his hands still on my waist. I felt the depth of sorrow in his eyes. “I’m sorry.” As sorry as I was for myself, I was sorrier for him.
“You could kiss me and make it better.”
My breath left for an instant until I realized he was teasing me. I pushed him away, and a grin splashed across his face. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. I wanted to return his smile, but I knew once I did, I’d be crying.
He dragged the beds together so that he could hold my hand as we supposedly slept and I entered into the dream testing. Rueben wasn’t being tested. He’d failed everything they’d put before him, just like I had so far, and altering was the next step in the research process.
I stared at him for a long time, even after he fell asleep. I memorized every angle and curve of his face, the way his chest rose and fell with his even breathing, the cut above his eye, and the way that, even in his sleep, he didn’t relax his grip on my hand.
When I finally closed my eyes and slept, I dreamed bright vivid dreams of a woman named Rose with long, yellow-gold hair, skin freckled by the sun, and a smile that tortured my heart.
* * *
I woke to Rueben sitting up on his bed, staring at me.
I looked around the room. All of the others were sleeping.
“How are you feeling?” I said, turning back to Rueben. Would he be able to communicate if he’d already resorted to gibberish?
“I’m fine,” he whispered in a hoarse voice. He reached for my hand.
“Are you sure?” I turned his hand over. “No shaking?”
“No.”
“That’s good, right?” I asked.
He blinked and looked away.
“Rueben?”
Releasing me, he scrubbed his hand through his hair, still avoiding me.
“Do you think it will still take effect?” I asked, sitting up. “Or maybe the altering doesn’t work on you?”
Rueben stood and walked a few paces away from me. I didn’t understand why he seemed so worried. This was good—he wasn’t in overload.
I climbed off my bed and moved in front of him so he had to face me. “What’s wrong?”
He met my gaze. The wildness of the night before was gone, and I only saw the Rueben I knew—the one who had all the answers in this prison.
“I don’t know anyone who’s made it through altering without going into overload,” he said.
“But I thought you said there was a sixteen percent success rate.”
“I know.” Trepidation crept into his eyes. “That’s what I was told. But since I’ve been here, no one has escaped overload.”
I clenched my hands together; it was like he knew more than he was letting on. “What are you saying?”
His hands rested on my shoulders, his fingers digging in as if he wanted to anchor me to the floor—prepare me for something. “I don’t believe them, Jez.” My heart tugged at the way he called me Jez. The last person who’d called me that had been Sol.
He exhaled. “What if . . . what if I’m the first one? And what if they increase the altering to the next level of control, until I do hit overload?”
I shuddered. I didn’t know what the next level would do, but the fear in Rueben’s eyes pierced me to the core.
My breathing slowed. “What do we do?”
“You will stay here. Don’t do anything stupid. Do what they ask.”
I closed my eyes for a second. Those were the last words Sol had said to me. And now here I was again, losing a friend to the unknown, being told to follow the rules again. I folded my arms to stop the trembling. “I don’t want to be here without you.”
“I’ll still be here, just in another section. I’ll find my own way out.” He touched my arm, briefly. “Try to pass their tests. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“I don’t care about me,” I said, realizing how deeply I meant it. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
Rueben’s expression softened for a moment, then went firm again. His voice fell to a whisper when he said, “I’ll find you again when we’re both out of this place.”
“How?” I whispered.
“I’ll pretend the altering was successful,” he said. “I’ll figure out a way from there.”
We stared at each other for a few seconds, the only sound in the room that of our beating hearts. I hugged him again, and this time I didn’t try to stop the tears.
Sixteen
I pretended to sleep while Rueben pretended to react to his altering. He started to mumble and thrash around on his bed. It wasn’t long before the scientists came in and put him in a strait jacket. I sneaked a peek as they carried him out. Our eyes met for a brief instant, then he was gone.
The black hole in my chest expanded to every part of my body, dragging me into the darkest abyss of fear, the unknown. My ally was gone, and by the time we saw each other again—if ever—nothing would be the same. I looked over at the others on their beds, oblivious to Rueben’s demise. Estee, the copper-skinned girl, was staring at the ceiling. The rest looked asleep.
Which one of us would be next? I closed my eyes, thinking of the parting words first from Sol, and now from Rueben. Don’t do anything stupid. Did that mean I should try to pass the tests? Even if I had to lie about my first instincts?
My hope had all but vanished. Solstice was over, and Rueben was gone.
At the morning meal, I watched the scientists carefully, observing everything I could about them, from their short haircuts to the badges each wore on their shirt. Most of them carried an electronic tablet in their shirt pocket.
Matthews looked over at me more than once. His trembling wasn’t noticeable today. I quickly returned to my pickled beet and carrot salad and kept my eyes on my food until it was time to go to the testing room again.
I stayed duly demure, trying to forget the image of Rueben being carried out of the dormitory. In the testing lab I answered questions without emotion, which really meant my answers came more slowly and weren’t based on my first instinct. I wondered if it was enough to convince Matthews.
On the way to bed that night, I saw Estee walking slowly ahead of me, one hand rubbing her temple. I hurried to catch up with her. We hadn’t spoken before, but I felt I had to reach o
ut to her now.
“Are you all right?”
She turned and looked at me, and the panic in her eyes made me shudder. I took a step back. “Did they—?”
Estee let out a scream, cutting me off, and sank to her knees.
I wanted to run and hide, but I knelt and put an arm around her.
She jerked away from me and lashed out, clawing my arm. I stared in shock at the stripes of blood rising to my skin.
Estee twisted away and curled on the floor, cradling her head and screaming.
I staggered to my feet, pressing the bottom of my shirt against the slashes on my arm. As sickened as I was at the sight of her pain, I was relieved when the scientists hurried down the corridor, injected her with something, and carried her away.
Then, before I could remind myself not to do anything stupid, I followed. The drug they’d injected into Estee was taking rapid effect and she no longer thrashed, but her lungs were still going strong, her screams echoing through the hallway.
I stayed as close to the walls as possible and kept enough distance between us to give myself a chance to hide should they slow or turn around. The corridor sloped deeper into the earth. As the air grew colder, the hairs on my arms prickled.
They stopped at a door. When it swooshed open, I crept closer. I caught a glimpse of the interior of the room beyond. My stomach felt hollow as I stared into the room until the metal door closed and blocked my view. But I had seen enough. And it made me sick.
Fear pounding through me, I turned and ran the way I’d come. I needed to make it back to the dormitory before anyone spotted me. I was filled with adrenaline and a newfound resolve to pass every test put before me in the coming months. I knew for sure now that the last thing I wanted to be was altered.
* * *
I was afraid to close my eyes, knowing that images of the room would be lurking beneath my lids. But I hadn’t had slept much the night before and, involuntarily, my eyes slipped shut. My dreams swirled with images of the room and the cage-like cells that lined the wall. There must have been two dozen cells made of thick metal bars. Inside the square prisons were people, my age or younger. A few had been standing and staring through the bars, their mouths open in silent screams, their hand clawing at the bars. But the rest . . . the rest weren’t moving at all.
