As she fell asleep that night, she had a smile on her lips. She was having a baby. All was right with the world.
*****
Beverly received a phone call from Dr. Yung early the next morning, shortly after Colin had left for the day. “Hello?”
“Mrs. Geller?”
“Yes.”
“This is Dr. Yung. I’m calling to let you know the results of your blood tests. You are very definitely pregnant, but based on your HCG numbers I’d say you are almost three months along.”
“Really? I was just married at the end of July.”
“If you want to come back in, I can do an ultrasound. That will give us a more accurate reading.”
Beverly bit her lip. She needed to know when she would start showing. She had to find a way to tell Colin before then. “Yes, I will do that.”
“Can you come in tomorrow at ten?”
“Absolutely. I’ll see you then.” After she’d hung up the phone, Beverly sat with her hand resting on her stomach. She could feel anything yet, but she knew there was a baby there. How could she possibly be sad about that?
*****
Beverly laid back on the table with a sheet covering her stomach, waiting for the doctor to come in. She was nervous and excited all at once. She was about to see her baby for the first time. After spending hours doing research the day before, she even had an idea of what the baby would look like.
When the doctor joined her, she squirted some cold gel onto her stomach and ran the wand over her, pressing hard in places. Beverly wanted to complain that it hurt, but she knew better. Finding out that the baby was okay and how far along she was mattered a great deal more than her comfort.
The doctor was measuring, explaining things as she went. “I’m doing measurements, because they’ll tell us how far along you are. Usually we go by the last menstrual cycle, but with as irregular as yours have always been, we need a more accurate way to gauge.” She paused to type a few numbers into her system. “There’s definitely only one baby.” Another long pause. “I would say you’re twelve weeks along. You’ll have a baby in about twenty-eight weeks, which is a little less than seven months. I’m going to say your due date is around May first.”
“When will I start showing?” Beverly knew the question was an odd one, but she needed to know how long she had before she absolutely needed to tell Colin about the baby.
“Another month probably.” The doctor wiped the gel off the wand and placed it in its slot at the front of the machine. “You’re very small, so I think you’re going to want to increase your calories if you can. Make sure you take regular naps. Get your vitamins in every day. How are you sleeping at night?”
“I’ve been getting up a lot more than usual to use the bathroom. I didn’t really put it together until just now, but I’ve been doing it for over a month.”
“That’s normal. Are you experiencing any cramping?”
Beverly shook her head. “No, not at all.”
“Good. I’ll want to see you every month for the next few months, and we’ll increase to weekly visits as you’re nearing your time.” The doctor held her hand down to help Beverly sit up. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you.” She wasn’t sure congratulations were in order yet, but Beverly wasn’t going to dismiss the words. Whether Colin was happy about this baby or not, she was, and she had a right to be. After thinking she’d never have children for a lot of years, it was time for her to celebrate the new life growing within her.
When she got home, she started working on an afghan for the baby. The doctor had told her it would be another month or two before they’d discover the sex of the baby, but she didn’t care. She would be prepared either way. Thankfully Colin wouldn’t notice anything amiss, because she was always making baby blankets of one kind or another.
She started taking naps religiously, making sure she slept for at least an hour during the day. It was a little harder on the weekends, but Colin noticed how tired she was, and he encouraged her. “I’m a little worried you’re getting sick.”
She shook her head. “Nah. I’m healthy as a horse. I think I just want to hibernate, because that’s what all the bears are doing.”
He chuckled. “You sure have taken to living in Alaska better than I thought you would. Of course, it’s only November, and we have another six months of winter ahead of us.”
“You do know that for most of the world, winter only lasts three months, don’t you?”
“Wait until there’s almost no sunlight for weeks on end. You’re not going to know what to think.”
She leaned down and kissed him, wandering off to the bedroom for her nap. As she fell asleep, she smiled to herself. A baby was going to be there.
*****
As the weeks went by, she couldn’t seem to find the exact right time to tell him about the baby. A week before Christmas she went in for her monthly exam, and the doctor did another ultrasound. “You’re having a girl.”
Knowing the sex of the baby made it so much more real to Beverly. She decided she had to tell Colin. Christmas would be the perfect time. He’d be in good spirits because of the holiday, and she would find a fun way to tell him. Surely he’d be as happy as she was.
On Christmas morning, she woke early. She made a special breakfast casserole, planning to tell him over breakfast, before they even opened their gifts. Her mind was racing with possible baby girl names as she worked in the kitchen, a smile on her face.
“You sure look happy this morning!” Colin said from the kitchen doorway.
She grinned at him. “It’s Christmas, the most glorious day of the whole year!”
“I guess I should have known the first time you insisted on visiting North Pole that you’d be thrilled with the holiday.”
“That really should have been your first clue.” They’d visited North Pole four times since her arrival. She couldn’t get enough of Santa Claus’s house. She waved her hand toward the table. “Sit! Breakfast is just about ready.”
He got them each a glass of orange juice before sitting. He had noticed she didn’t seem to drink coffee anymore, but he didn’t mind. Maybe that’s why she was always so tired. “So are we opening our gifts after breakfast?” He hadn’t been able to miss the small mountain of presents under the tree. Of course, many were presents he’d purchased for her. It had been so long since he’d had someone to buy Christmas presents for that he’d almost been as excited as she was. He’d certainly gone all out for the holiday.
“I thought that would be best. Are you okay with that?” In her mind, she was thinking about this being her last Christmas alone with him. Next year they’d have a beautiful little girl with dark hair and eyes, and she would be crawling most likely. Oh, how she wanted to see that little girl.
He shrugged. “Sure. We can do things however you want. I’m just happy to have someone I love to share this Christmas with.”
She froze for a moment. He’d never said he loved her before, and she had been afraid to say the words first. Of course, she loved him, but to hear him say he loved her, well it was like a dream come true! Now he would be just as happy about the baby as she was. He loved her after all.
“Did you just say you love me?”
“Have I never said that before?” He shook his head. “Surely I have!”
“No, you’ve never said it before. And I love you too!”
“Yeah, I know.” He took a bite of his breakfast, nodding. “This is good. You should make it more often.”
“How do you know?”
“You wouldn’t take care of me the way you do if it was just out of obligation. You have to love me.” Colin grinned at her look of exasperation. “Wasn’t I supposed to know?”
She shrugged. “I guess I always expected to be able to say the words and please you with them, instead of you just saying that you already know.”
“Do you want me to pretend to be surprised? Cuz I can do that if you want.”
Beverly frowned a
t him. “No, you don’t have to pretend to be surprised.” She shook her head. “You sure do take the fun out of making grand statements though.”
He caught her hand and brought it to his lips. “I’m thrilled that you love me, because I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.”
The smile on her face told him that she was thrilled with his words, even if she wasn’t thrilled that he wasn’t surprised she loved him. “I’m glad you like the casserole. It’s a new recipe I found on the internet. I thought it would be special for Christmas morning.”
“Does every minute of Christmas need to be special?” he asked, teasing her. He knew how she felt about the holiday.
“Of course it does! It’s our first Christmas together!” And our only Christmas alone. She had to get up the courage to tell him about the baby. She knew that once he thought about it, he’d be as happy as she was.
“We’ll have a whole lot more of them together, you know.”
“I sure hope so.” She blotted her mouth with her napkin, deciding to just spit it out. How bad could it be? “I’m pregnant.”
Chapter Six
Colin stared at Beverly for a moment, in absolute disbelief. “You what?”
The look on his face told Beverly she’d been wrong. He wasn’t going to automatically love the baby. “I’m pregnant. I found out last week that I’m having a little girl.”
His hands clenched under the table. “Exactly how long have you known you were pregnant?”
“Since mid-October. I kept waiting for the right time to tell you…but it never came. I’m already seeing huge differences in my body, so I couldn’t hide it any longer.” She frowned, feeling ready to cry at any moment. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. I just didn’t know how.”
He forced himself to take deep breaths to keep his anger down. “Have you talked to an adoption agency yet?”
She blinked at him. “Adoption agency?”
“Part of our agreement—before we ever married—was that there would be no children. I specifically asked Dr. Lachele if she’d talked to you about it, and she said she had.” He shook his head, looking at her accusingly. “You told me you couldn’t get pregnant.”
“My doctor told me that! The doctor here just said that doctors are wrong sometimes.” She looked down at her delicious breakfast, unable to eat another bite. “I was as shocked as you are.”
“But you still haven’t talked to an adoption agency? What are you planning to do with it?”
“It? I told you it’s a her. I’m planning to love her. Everything inside me is screaming at the very idea that I’d have to get rid of her!”
He stood up, walking away from the table and turning his back on her. “This feels like the worst kind of betrayal. You made me feel like you didn’t want children either.”
She sighed, feel the tears she’d managed to hold at bay start to silently fall. “I was resigned to the fact that I couldn’t have children. When you didn’t want them, it made it easier for me. This was not intentional.”
“I don’t want a child. I don’t care if it’s a girl, a boy, or a Martian. I’d have taken a dog, but not a human.” He turned to her, his face full of a mixture of anger and sadness. “I don’t know how we’re going to get past this.”
“I don’t either. I never intended to get pregnant, but I love this baby already. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to give it away. If you want me to go, I will.”
She couldn’t imagine life without him either, but if that’s what he wanted, there was nothing she could do about it.
Colin frowned. “I don’t want you to go, but I don’t want to be a father. Let me get back to you on that.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back in a few hours.” He went into the bedroom and put on a hat, snowshoes, gloves, and his winter coat he wore when he was out all day in the cold.
“Be careful,” she said as she watched him go. In that moment, she knew she was spending the rest of her life alone. There was no way anything else was going to happen. He didn’t want her child, and she didn’t want anything more than the baby. They were at an impasse, and it was one they’d never be able to resolve.
He nodded, his eyes not meeting hers. He needed time away from her at the moment. He loved her, and he’d trusted her. And she was pregnant. He shut the door behind him, walking blindly out into the new fallen snow. For the first time ever, he couldn’t even appreciate the beauty that was the Alaskan winter.
As soon as he was gone, Beverly hurried around the house, removing every single Christmas decoration. Her favorite holiday, and it was in ruins. She should have known better than telling him on Christmas. What was she thinking?
While she worked, she talked to the baby, who was very real to her now. She was choosing the baby over her marriage, so the child had better be real. “This ornament was one your grandpa gave me when I was just a little girl. Someday, I’m going to give it to you.” She took an Advent calendar off the wall. “This is a calendar your grandma gave me when I was small. I always loved to count down to Christmas starting in September, but she could never find one that lasted for four months.”
“I’m sorry your daddy doesn’t want you,” Beverly said as she washed the breakfast dishes and put them away. “It’s okay though, because I love you with everything inside me. We’re going to be a team, and we’re going to be happy together. I’d do anything for you. I hope you know that.”
The more she put away the Christmas decorations, the more resolved she was. This baby was hers, and nothing was going to keep her from loving her for the rest of her life. “What should I call you? I was thinking Colleen, because it’s close to Colin, but that may be the only thing you ever have to do with your father. I really think he’s going to kick us out as soon as you’re born…Well, as soon as we’ve been married a year. He’d probably kick me out now, but he signed a contract saying we’d live together for at least a year.” She sighed. “He also told me he loved me just this morning. I’m sure he wishes he could take those words back, but he can’t. I know he loves me. But I also know there’s no way he can love me half as much as I love you. If he did, he wouldn’t be acting like I’ve hit him over the head with a baseball bat, just because I love you so much.”
By noon, she had the house completely devoid of Christmas. The gifts she’d lovingly made and wrapped for Colin were still in the corner where the Christmas tree had been, and she hadn’t touched her own gifts. Why would she want a gift from a man who was rejecting her for something she couldn’t really control? Sure, she could put the baby up for adoption, but it truly wasn’t in her to do so. He had to know that about her by now. If he loved her, didn’t he love that part of her as well?
Beverly wished that she felt like she could call Lachele, but she wouldn’t do it on Christmas Day. She’d wait a few days, and hopefully things would be better between her and Colin by then, but she had a feeling they wouldn’t. Her pregnancy and love for the child she carried was going to kill her marriage.
She could always move back to New York, but what waited for her there? Nothing that she could think of. No, she’d stay in Healy. Surely there was a little house she could buy there, and then she could torment herself by seeing Colin on occasion.
She made a thick, hearty soup for lunch, knowing that Colin was going to be hungry when he got back from his walk. Unless he intruded on one of the other rangers’ Christmas, he would be starving and cold. She sat down and ate alone, not waiting for him, because she had no idea when he’d be back. Whatever happened, she had to keep her calorie count up for the baby. More chocolate would be very nice at the moment!
She washed the dish and spoon she’d dirtied and put them away. Turning the soup to simmer, so he could eat when he got home, she went into their bedroom. Would he even want her sleeping there any longer? She had no way of knowing. For now, she wasn’t going to move all her things to the spare room, but if it’s what he wanted when
he arrived home, she’d do exactly that. She would be as accommodating as possible and take the high road. They had to live together for seven more months…There was no reason to do it in anger.
She slipped under the mound of quilts on the bed and snuggled onto her left side, which is how the doctor told her he wanted her sleeping. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow, one arm curved protectively over her belly. No one was going to tell her she couldn’t keep her baby. No one.
*****
Colin walked and walked. Everywhere he looked, there was beauty. There was nowhere as lovely as Alaska in the winter…or summer, spring, or fall for that matter. It was the most beautiful place on earth. Anytime he got upset about something, he walked, because it always made him feel better.
He didn’t know where he was going, so he simply trudged ahead. He simply couldn’t understand how a woman whom he knew loved him, wasn’t willing to give in to this one thing. He hadn’t asked her to abort the baby, as many men in his position would have done. No, he’d asked her to put the baby with loving parents who would have cared for it.
He kept to the trail because it was safer. The area around him was truly a wilderness yet, and no one should be out alone without some kind of protection. He hadn’t thought of anything but bundling up and getting out, though. How could she do this to him? They’d agreed no children! If she was telling the truth and believed she’d not be able to conceive, then maybe he could understand the mistake, but not giving the baby up for adoption? That was the ultimate slap in the face.
What was he supposed to do now? He had signed a contract to stay with her for the next seven months at least, but the baby would be born before that. How far along had she said she was? Had she said? As soon as she mentioned pregnancy, he’d seen red.
The logical thing to do was probably let her live there until their year was up, and then they would separate. He sighed. He really didn’t want to let her go! He loved her, and he wanted them to be able to work this out, but how could they? She was being stubborn and unreasonable. Thinking back over their five months together, he knew that this was the first time she’d ever refused to do as he asked. Or refused to change her plans to suit him.
Anchored in Alaska (At the Altar Book 13) Page 5
