"Every year," she replied with a note of pride in her voice. "This will be my 6th."
"I really admire your dedication," Jamie marveled. "It must be quite an ordeal."
"It's not too bad if you stay in training throughout the year. I just do the same amount of riding all year, so it doesn't seem like that big a deal. There is one day of the ride that is a real bear though. It's an inland day, so there isn't much of a breeze, and it's mostly uphill all day. That's the time you just wish you could get in the sag van and ride the whole way."
"Sag van?"
"Yeah, the ride is fully supported. There are vans to help you if you can't make a hill. Some people use the vans to get up the worst of the hills. And of course, some get injured and have no choice," she replied.
"I would love to come and watch you all take off this year," Jamie stated, surprising herself at her forwardness.
"You could get a really good view, if you rode instead of watched," she teased.
"I could never do anything like that," Jamie complained. "I am way too much of a wimp."
"That's what most people think. But it's not a race, it's a ride. The point is to challenge yourself. People with AIDS are challenged every day just to survive. This is a really great way of showing your support," Ryan explained.
"You know, I don't know anyone who has had AIDS," Jamie said as she wracked her brain.
"You're lucky," Ryan said as a flash of pain clouded her face, "You're really lucky."
At 8:30 sharp Ryan stood and stretched and gracefully slid her jacket back on. She held a smooth hand out to Jamie and said, "I can't be late for work, so I've got to run."
They rode the short distance in silence which was fine with Jamie since she needed all of her concentration to focus on the sensations of the ride. She had to admit that she enjoyed the experience even more on the return trip, now that she felt more comfortable being with Ryan. God, she is so easy to talk to, she thought. It feels like we've known each other forever.
As the bike pulled up in front of her house, Jamie struggled to get off with a little assist from her new friend. The engine was still running as Ryan retrieved Jamie's helmet and secured it. "I had a nice time, Jamie, thanks for going with me."
"I really enjoyed it, Ryan. Thanks for being such a good tour guide and for giving me my maiden motorcycle ride," she added with a grin.
Ryan reached out and gave her shoulder a little squeeze. "Always happy to initiate a new convert," she grinned with that devastatingly sexy smile. "See you tomorrow," she called out as she roared away.
Jamie was so occupied in watching her ride away that she did not see Jack glaring at her from the front door.
As Jamie made her way to the door, she noted with alarm that Jack's Accord was still parked in the driveway. Oh, oh, this is probably not good. She hit the first step of the wraparound porch as the front door opened.
"Hi," Jack said quietly with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Hi, yourself," Jamie replied as casually as possible. She made sure that she was smiling and did her best to adopt a neutral expression. "This is a nice surprise," she said, as she stood on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck and give him a kiss. She noted with alarm that he did not respond to the kiss and in fact seemed to move back away from her touch. She stepped back slightly and placed her hands upon his broad chest as she looked up into his eyes with concern. "What's wrong, honey?"
"Where were you tonight, Jamie?" he asked while looking directly into her eyes.
"I had to work on a class project with Ryan, like I told you," she answered with more than a touch of defensiveness in her voice. "Why?"
He backed away from the door and turned to cross the parlor. He began to climb the staircase, apparently to go to the bedroom. She noticed that he looked very tired, and his posture did not carry its usual confident attitude.
Jamie began to follow him up the stairs. She grabbed his hand as she caught up with him and pulled him to a stop. "Jack, what is wrong?" she demanded with growing alarm.
"In private," he responded wearily
Jamie was beginning to panic as her mind grasped wildly for an explanation for his obvious anger. In their two years together they had never had what most people would call a fight. Of course they had disagreements, differences of opinion and the like. But they agreed on most of the important issues in life and both of them felt more comfortable keeping their relationship on an even keel. Usually, when one or the other was angry they would think of a reason to take a short time out, until the storm had passed. Jamie also realized that she usually gave in when there was a potential trouble spot. But tonight, there was no way out.
Jack entered her room and she followed close behind. He closed the door and made his way to her stereo system. He considered her CD's for a moment before he made his selection and loaded the disk. Turning the volume louder than Jamie would have chosen he walked over to the love seat in front of the far window. He sank into the comfortable cushions and dropped his head into his hands. He looked weary and frustrated and Jamie knew this was going to be very bad.
"I feel like you've lied to me, Jamie," he finally said behind sad and confused blue eyes.
"Lied to you? I've never lied to you Jack," she said as she walked over to the loveseat and dropped to her knees right in front of him. She tried to grasp his hands but he shook her off rather roughly.
"Why didn't you tell me about this class, or about this...woman?" he demanded as his eyes bore into her.
"What?! WHAT?!" she demanded in a louder voice. "What on earth are you talking about? What is the big deal?" She was becoming angry now both at his attitude and his obvious disapproval. "I'm taking a stupid psych class. Since when are you so interested in my schedule? May I point out that you never once asked me what I was taking this term? You acted completely uninterested," she said defensively.
"Jamie this is not a class that a normal girl should take," he explained as if talking to a slow child. "Why would someone like you want to spend their time learning about the 'Lesbian Experience?'"
Like a jolt, a light came on in Jamie's head. She took a deep breath and asked slowly, "How did you know the name of the class, Jack?"
Now it was his turn to look defensive. "Jesus, Jamie, you're out late, on a motorcycle no less, with some big dyke and you've told no one where you're going. Cassie didn't know, Mia didn't know. I was worried about you!" he shouted.
"Oh, I see. You were worried about me because I was out until almost 9:00 p.m., right?" she questioned him carefully. "So you did what...look through my book bag and my organizer?"
"Yes, Jamie, I was worried about you and I did look through your stuff. But only to find out where you were. Cassie told me that woman was hitting on you. What if you had needed my help?"
Jamie was flabbergasted both by his behavior and by his assumptions.
"You have got to be kidding! Do you think I would spend the evening with someone who frightened me? Do you think I need your protection to get through the day? Who in the holy hell do you think I am, Jack? I am not some little girl that you have to supervise. And what did you think would happen? Did you think she would throw me across her bike and kidnap me? Or do you think lesbians have to rape straight women to get any action?" She was really heating up now. "I am furious that you looked through my things. I never want you to do that again. Do you hear me?" This last was said at full volume as she stood and towered over him.
"Yes, Jamie, all of Berkeley heard you," he said bitterly. "It's obvious that you are in no place to discuss this rationally. I'll call you tomorrow." He turned and started to make his way to the door. But Jamie was on him like a panther, grabbing his arm and abruptly turning him around.
"How dare you start this and then leave!!" she shouted in frustration.
He reached over to her small hand which was wrapped around his bicep and gently began to remove her fingers, one by one. "I said I'll call you tomorrow," he said firmly as he again turned and walk
ed out.
She stood in the center of her room, panting from the flood of emotions that raced through her brain. She felt a stomach churning mixture of anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal and fear. Hurling herself to the bed she began to cry somewhat hysterically. She stayed just like that for a long while until exhaustion overtook her. Finally, she kicked off her shoes, removed her leather jacket and fell back onto the bed where she quickly fell into an exhausted sleep.
The next morning Jamie waited outside of the classroom until the professor entered. She didn't want to have to make small talk with Ryan today. For that matter she didn't want to speak to anyone but Jack. She was still terribly upset about their fight but she really didn't want to talk about it with anyone else, particularly Ryan. Even though she didn't know Ryan very well, she had a feeling that her new friend was perceptive enough to know if something was bothering her, so avoiding her seemed like the best idea.
That was so unlike Jack. I have to get to the bottom of this, but I have a very strong feeling that Cassie was involved in making this into a bigger deal than it had to be. Cassie must have said something that pushed him over the edge. He just doesn't do things like that. She wished that she could have marched into Cassie's room and confronted her last night. But Jamie tended to resolve her anger first, and then have a rational discussion later, and today was no exception.
As she took her seat, Ryan turned and smiled at her, mouthing a greeting. Jamie returned both with a look that was close to her normal demeanor in spite of her sour mood. Ryan was wearing a navy blue and cream vintage Hawaiian shirt and a pair of well-worn khakis. Jamie looked at the Teva sandals on her feet and hoped that she had not ridden her motorcycle. Maybe her mother should worry about those things for her, Jamie, she chided herself.
Linda took her usual place on the corner of the large wooden desk. "Hello, people," she greeted them in her usual cheerful manner. "Today we're going to discuss social attitudes toward lesbian identity." She launched them into a fascinating discussion of the subject. Jamie paid rapt attention, running her mind on two tracks. Although she was very focused on Linda's words, she was concurrently applying those words to Jack's behavior of the previous evening. The discussion was lively and most of the class participated. The hour passed much too quickly and she was still so filled with unanswered questions that she just could not turn off her brain at the end of class. As she sat at her desk, deep in thought, she sensed and then saw Ryan squat down next to her so they were at eye level.
"Hey, you look a little down today," Ryan said carefully, her deep blue eyes filled with concern. "Are you alright?"
She took a deep breath and tried to answer but she just couldn't find the words to express how she was feeling. Her head was still tilted down, causing her hair to fall into her eyes. With a terribly tender gesture Ryan reached up and gently brushed her bangs hack to reveal her troubled green eyes. "Yeah, sure," Jamie lied weakly, "I'm fine." Then, almost as an afterthought, she asked, "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
Ryan glanced at her watch. "I have nearly an hour at your disposal," she said with a warm grin as she held out a hand and pulled the troubled woman to her feet.
"Something happened last night that is really bothering me," Jamie said pensively as she shot a glance up at Ryan.
"Was it something I did?" Ryan asked with concern clouding her face.
"Oh no, not at all. I had a great time with you," Jamie admitted with a shy grin. "It was after you dropped me off that the shit hit the fan."
Ryan took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Let's go sit outside. There are some pretty good vending machines and we can get a soda."
They walked in relative silence. Ryan glanced at Jamie occasionally, noticing that her friend seemed very deep in the problem that was bothering her. I hope she doesn't want boyfriend advice, Ryan hoped. I'm pretty much out of my league there. For that matter I'm pretty much out of my league giving advice on almost any kind of relationship, she thought wryly.
As they approached the shaded outdoor patio Ryan reached into her pocket and fished out a handful of change. "I'll buy...what'll you have?"
"Um, some kind of soda, doesn't really matter," Jamie replied absently.
Ryan nodded and started to trot off but she spent another moment looking at Jamie's face. She really doesn't seem like herself today. I think I'll get her some juice. She could use some energy instead of empty calories, she thought wisely.
She took the two bottles of cranberry juice and the two smaller bottles of apple juice over to the table. Jamie looked up at her in surprise with a question in her eyes.
"You just look like you could use a little energy," Ryan shrugged.
Jamie was charmed by this thoughtful gesture and without stopping to censure herself she reached out and patted Ryan's hand while giving her a sincere smile. "Thanks for caring," she stated simply.
Ryan looked a little embarrassed at this gesture, but she gamely returned the smile. "So, what's up?" she finally asked, as she began opening bottles.
"I was just thinking about our discussion of this morning," Jamie said thoughtfully. "You know, about homophobia and heterosexism?" At Ryan's nod, she continued. "I think I got a first hand example of both last night."
"What happened?" Ryan asked, genuinely interested, but also a little worried that it concerned her.
"It seems that my roommates are overly interested in the fact that I am taking this class," she finally answered. Jamie was not going to tell Ryan the whole context of her evening. She did not want to hurt her new friend's feelings so obviously she would not tell her that Jack called her a big dyke. And she also did not want to reveal issues that she felt belonged to her and Jack alone, so she tip toed around the issue as carefully as she could, while still telling enough to be able to get some advice.
She continued, "One of my roommates apparently told my boyfriend about the class and he flipped out that I had not told him about it. What really has me confused is why he had such an emotional reaction to the mere fact that I was taking a silly class."
"Was he also upset that you were with me?" Ryan asked softly, lowering her eyes to the table.
Jamie did not really want to go there, but she did not feel comfortable lying to Ryan either. "Um, I guess that was part of it", she finally admitted. "But I think the bigger problem is that my roommate stirred up some suspicion in his mind. I guess it just surprised me that they would all be so weird about it. You know; the class and the topic and, well, you." Jamie was also staring at the table by this time. She felt Ryan's reassuring hand gently grip her folded ones.
"That is exactly what Linda was talking about today," she told her gravely, blue eyes locked on green. "Many people have an almost physical reaction to gay people and gay issues. I can't say I totally understand it, but I see it often in my life," she admitted sadly. "Those reactions have caused me a lot of pain through the years, Jamie. I'm very sorry that you had to experience it too. I just hope that it will not affect our friendship. I really like you," she said shyly as her eyes once again fell to the ground.
"Oh no, Ryan. I like you too," she agreed forcefully. "This is an issue that they are going to have to get used to. I just want to understand it better so I can help them get through it."
Ryan looked at her carefully as she pursed her lips in thought. "Can I ask you a personal question?" she finally inquired.
Jamie fidgeted in her seat as she tried to guess what her new friend wanted to know, but she replied, "Sure, what is it?"
"Why didn't you tell your boyfriend you were taking the class?"
4 excuses readily popped into Jamie's head: they hadn't discussed her schedule at all; Jack was too busy to be bothered with the details of her life; she didn't think it was important; she was going to tell him when she got a minute. But as she gazed into Ryan's eyes she felt drawn to be completely honest with her. As she opened her heart she realized that she had not been honest with herself, either. She was surprised to hear her own answer, "I d
idn't think he'd like it, and I was afraid that he would either talk me out of it or somehow make me feel bad about it."
Ryan didn't say a word in response. She just slowly nodded her head as if she had expected that answer. Jamie wondered what was going on behind those ice blue eyes but Ryan wasn't giving up her secrets today. She patted Jamie's shoulder and said, "I've read some really good books on homophobia and heterosexism. Call me at home this afternoon and I'll give you the titles. I'll be home by 3 and I don't leave for work until almost 5. But speaking of time, I've got a bio lab in 5 minutes," she said as she stood and chugged her remaining cranberry juice. She eyed Jamie's untouched apple juice as she hefted her enormous book bag onto her shoulder.
"Go ahead," she said generously. "You are a bit of a bottomless pit, aren't you?" she teased.
"My father always says I have two hollow legs," she happily agreed.
"You get going...I'll call you later." Jamie gave her a much more relaxed smile as Ryan took off at a surprisingly fast clip.
The phone rang shrilly in the neat white home in the Noe Valley. It was picked up on the 2nd ring and answered by a deep, melodic male voice. "Hello," the voice rumbled.
"Hello, this is Jamie Evans, is Ryan at home?"
"Hold on a minute and I'll check," he politely offered.
"RYAN! PHONE!" he bellowed.
Ryan trotted up the stairs from her basement room to glare at her brother. "Thanks a lot Conor. Very cultured. All those years of charm school really paid off. Do you know who it is?" she inquired.
"I assume it is the girlfriend du jour," he replied with a French accent.
"That's helpful," Ryan said as she elbowed him out of the way. They tussled briefly before she wrenched the receiver from his hands.
"Hello," she finally said into the phone.
Awakenings - SF1 Page 7
