Despite her protestations, Ryan was relieved when they entered the house and found it empty. "I'll just sit down here and read, if that's okay," Ryan said.
"Sure. Make yourself at home, I'll only be a minute." Jamie started to walk up the stairs when she winced a little bit. "I think you were right about these babies tightening up," she agreed.
"C'mere for a second," Ryan said. "I can loosen them up again. It's just because you let them get cold too quickly." She directed Jamie to the area rug in the middle of the parlor. Jamie removed her sweats and lay down on the rug. Ryan once again began her strong massage. "After I get these loose, you should stay in a hot shower for a few minutes. Then they should be fine." As Ryan continued to work on her legs, the front door opened and Cassie stared at them in surprise. Ryan dropped the leg as if it burned her and immediately adopted a guilty look. Jamie looked from Ryan's face to Cassie's shocked expression and rolled her eyes.
"Hi, Cassie," she said as casually as the atmosphere allowed.
"Uh, hi Jamie. Um, what's going on," she asked tentatively.
"Ryan and I were at the gym and my legs stiffened up. She was just loosening them up for me."
"Um, you were at the gym?" she asked quizzically.
"Yes, I was at the gym. Ryan is a personal trainer and she is helping me get in shape for a bike ride," Jamie replied.
"You need a trainer to ride a bike?" Cassie said uncertainly.
Jamie shot a quick glance at Ryan who seemed to have recovered her cool. "This is not just any bike ride, Cassie. Ryan and I are going to do the AIDS ride together. It's from here to L.A."
Cassie laughed hard at the mere thought. "Jamie you have got to be kidding. You don't even have a bike."
"I will as of Monday," Jamie replied firmly. "And I'm not kidding. I think it will be a great learning experience for me. Plus it will give me a chance to really get in shape."
"Why on earth do you need to get in shape? You're very thin as it is," Cassie said.
"I'm not trying to lose weight, Cassie. I'm trying to get fit. There is a difference, you know."
"Okay, why do you need to get fit?" she patiently inquired.
"Well, so I can do this ride," she fumbled.
"Doesn't that logic seem just a teeny bit circular to you, Jamie?"
"No, it doesn't. I really want to do the ride and I want to be in better shape," she said a bit defensively.
"Whatever," Cassie finally said with a shake of her long blonde hair. As she began to ascend the stairs she turned and asked, "Aren't you going to see Jack this weekend?"
"Yes, I am," Jamie relied evenly. "As soon as I take a shower, we're leaving."
"Oh, is your friend going?" she inquired sweetly. "I'm sure the three of you will have fun. Or is Jack bringing a friend too?"
Jamie laughed a little as Ryan casually picked up her leg and placed it once again on her chest. She continued the massage as if Cassie did not exist, "No, sadly not," she replied just as sweetly.
Without further comment, Cassie turned and quietly took the stairs two at a time. When she was out of earshot Jamie mumbled, "I wish I lived alone."
When they were back in the car Jamie summoned the courage to finally ask, "Why did you act so funny around Cassie?"
"What do you mean, funny?" Ryan inquired with just a touch of nervousness.
"I don't know, kind of like you were caught doing something wrong," Jamie finally admitted.
After a few minutes of silence Jamie thought that Ryan was just going to ignore the question. She was almost startled when her deep voice responded, "Do you remember our class discussion on homophobia?"
Jamie wondered how this was the answer to her question, but she knew that Ryan's scientific mind sometimes worked in strange ways. "Yes, I do," she answered.
"We did not talk about this, but homophobia is not always about straight people being afraid of gay people. There is something called internalized homophobia that you just saw a demonstration of."
"What do you mean, Ryan?"
"I know that Cassie doesn't like me. I assume it is primarily or exclusively because I'm gay, right?"
"Um, yeah, I guess so," Jamie admitted, "since that's the only thing she knows about you."
"So, I internalized her dislike of me and when she came in I felt guilty about being gay. I was holding your leg and rubbing it in a way that probably looked awfully friendly," she blushed a little, "and I felt like I was caught doing something I shouldn't have done."
Jamie somehow found the courage to ask the next question, "Do you have sexual feelings for me Ryan? Please be honest," she begged.
"No, I don't Jamie," she said forcefully. "I don't think of you in that way. Although, if you want me to be perfectly honest I admit that I did when we first met," here she blushed furiously. "I think of you as a friend. And I don't tend to feel sexual desire toward my friends."
"I'm really glad you admitted to that, Ryan. I'm glad to know my instincts work with women as well as men," she teased.
"Oh no, could you really tell?" Ryan was taken aback.
"Um, yeah, at first I could," Jamie admitted.
"And that didn't bother you?" she asked, genuinely intrigued.
"No. It didn't seem aggressive, or anything. Just like you were kind of interested."
"Oh, I was definitely interested, but when I started to get to know you, I just liked you too much to put you in the potential dating category," Ryan admitted.
"You don't date people you like?" Jamie asked, quite confused.
"It's ahh... complicated," Ryan sighed. "I'll tell you all about my scarred psyche someday, but not today."
"It's a deal," Jamie grinned in agreement.
As they crossed the Bay Bridge Jamie asked thoughtfully, "Do you like working at your current gym?"
"Not really, no."
"Why do it then?" she inquired.
"I'd prefer to just work with my individual clients. During my evenings at the gym I only get $15.00 an hour. Of course, if I train someone I get my normal $40. But much of the time I'm just standing around answering questions. But I really need the money and I don't have time to try to build my client base right now. So I'm kind of stuck," she said with regret. "When I was working as a trainer full time I had a really good client list, but when I started at school full time I just couldn't make the time to be available and I had to give up some of my best clients."
"Would it work better for you to train people in the East Bay?" Jamie asked slyly, hatching a plan in her fertile mind.
"Yeah, I guess it would. I've got some pretty good breaks between classes and I don't mind starting to work at 5 or 6 a.m. Maybe I should check out some of the gyms over there and see what I can scare up," she agreed. "I really hate losing all of my evenings."
"Maybe something will turn up," Jamie said confidently.
The 'Lesbian Experience' was now in its 5th week. Jamie was truly enjoying the class and she felt she was learning a lot about lesbian life. However, she felt that she was learning as much about lesbianism from hanging out with Ryan as she learned from the class.
Since she was chronically early Ryan was usually sitting in her seat when Jamie arrived at class. However, one day Jamie was standing in the back of the room chatting with a young woman named Yvonne when Ryan entered. She made eye contact with Jamie as soon as she came in the door, flashing those incredibly white teeth in a warm grin. Jamie observed her slowly make her way to the front of the room as Yvonne kept up the conversation. She observed that Ryan looked particularly good today. Her hair was shining and bounced against the middle of her back as she walked. She wore an electric blue crew necked sweater of a very soft looking wool that clung to all of her generous curves. The sweater covered a white turtleneck that contrasted sharply with her black hair. Well-worn button fly jeans and shiny black leather loafers completed the outfit. Her cheeks were rosy from the chill in the air, and she radiated good health and confidence.
Jamie watched as heads turned to re
gard Ryan. It was obvious from the longing glances that some of the women openly desired her. It was equally obvious that some of them had fulfilled that desire. Ryan stopped for a moment to chat with 3 women who looked to be in the latter category. She spoke to each of them in a casual, familiar way. She would grace them with a gentle touch or a small pat on the shoulder. She gave the impression that she was very much interested in talking with each of them, but that pressing business was calling her away. Jamie watched in fascination as each of the women looked pleased that they had received even this small token of her affection. God, is she going to plow through the whole class? There are only 9 lesbians besides her. If she has gone through 3 already that only leaves 6. Since this is the 5th week of class she has to make the other 6 last for 11 weeks. She might have to have a repeat...or I suppose she could also date the women who don't like to label themselves lesbians...
Jamie was startled from her reverie by Yvonne gently poking her in the ribs. "Oh no, not you too!" she laughed.
"What?" Jamie inquired, truly puzzled.
"You don't have O'Flaherty Fever too, do you?"
"What??? Oh, no, no, NO!" Jamie finally got out. "Ryan and I are friends, just friends. I've just never seen her walk into class. Does that happen every day?"
"Yep," Yvonne replied. "That's why I sit in the back. It's the most entertainment I get all day," she laughed. "She really is a player," she said with admiration in her voice.
"Yeah, I guess she is," Jamie replied with a good bit of disapproval. As she spoke she turned toward Ryan and saw one of the 'no labels' women approach cautiously. She saw Ryan's eyes light up and watched her whole body language change. Ryan drew the woman in by leaning back against the desk. She was obviously speaking softly because the woman had to move in closer and closer to hear her. Once she had her where she wanted her she sat on the edge of her desk and leaned dangerously close to the woman. Her smile turned a bit feral as she then leaned back and regarded her prey. She smiled broadly and removed a business card from her back pocket. Wasn't that handy! She must have them printed by the 1000's. She scribbled something on the back, probably her pager number, and handed it to the beaming woman as she gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
Is no woman safe? Jamie screamed in frustration to herself.
After class they made their way to Stanley Hall, as was their habit. Ryan noticed that Jamie was not her usual talkative self, but she passed it off to a bad mood. After Ryan purchased a few bottles of juice she returned to the table to find Jamie looking at her with an expression that could only be described as a glare. "What'd I do?" she asked with a plaintive tone.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Ryan," she said quickly, while shaking her head. "You didn't do anything. I'm sorry if I look as though you did," she apologized.
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" she asked, genuinely concerned. She searched Jamie's eyes and found that her friend was having a hard time making eye contact. "C'mon, Jamie, you can tell me," she urged.
"No. It's really stupid and I feel like an idiot," she sulked.
"I've never seen you do anything stupid or idiotic," Ryan said seriously. "If something is bothering you I really would like to help if I can."
"Okay, okay, you win," Jamie finally gave her a small smile. "Last week you told me that you didn't date people you liked. Why?" she asked plainly.
"That's certainly not where I thought we were going," Ryan admitted. She paused for a moment as she looked at Jamie carefully. Finally she tilted her head and locked her gaze onto Jamie's eyes. "If that's your question, why do you look angry with me?"
Jamie hated the way Ryan's mind worked. She could always see through ancillary issues and hone right in on the crux of the matter. "All right, I'll confess," she finally admitted with a large measure of frustration in her voice. "It bothered me to watch you come into class today." Ryan looked at her blankly, clearly at a loss. "You were talking to some of the women and flirting with others, well, you were flirting with all of them. It made me think about what you said the other day and it just pissed me off. I think you're really depriving yourself of something by dating so many people." Even to her own ears this sounded incredibly lame.
"So you're angry with me because I don't have a steady girlfriend?" Ryan asked slowly, clearly trying to understand but not having an easy time of it.
"I told you it was stupid," Jamie said, clearly flustered. "I don't know why it bothered me, but it really did. I'm sorry, Ryan. I know it's none of my business. You seem perfectly happy and it's stupid for me to want something for you that you don't seem to want."
"Would you like me to explain why I don't have a girlfriend?" Ryan asked quietly, her eyes never leaving Jamie's.
"If you want to," Jamie said with just a hint of a pout showing.
"I'm happy to, Jamie. It's like this. I have been focused on earning money and going to school for over 4 years now. My time is very valuable to me and I don't like giving too much of it to anyone. I have to work really hard to get all of my schoolwork in during my limited free time. I can't afford the distraction that a relationship would cause. Plus, since I live at home, I can't comfortably bring women home. And I get a ton of shit from my brothers when I stay out all night," she smiled a bit at this. "Sometimes it's like living with three maiden aunts."
"But is it fair to the women that you date?" Jamie asked as she got to the question that was really bothering her.
Ryan leaned back in her chair and considered the question for a moment. Jamie detected a momentary flash of hurt pass across her face. She pursed her lips together and blew out a breath as she softly replied, "I get it now. You think I lead them on, don't you?"
She truly did not want to hurt her friends feelings, but she was in too deep to stop now. "Ryan, you should have seen their faces. They all looked so hopeful," she finally blurted out.
"Jamie, I swear I have never led anyone on. I always, and I do mean always, tell women that I am not in the market for a relationship. I'm obnoxiously up front with them."
"Maybe so," Jamie said thoughtfully. "But they all looked like they hoped they would be the one to change your mind. Like the woman who was talking to you at your desk," she added as she looked down at the ground.
Ryan waited until Jamie raised her eyes and met hers again. While she waited she wondered, Why does this bother her? I could see that she'd want me to be happy and I can understand that she doesn't want me to use people. But why be angry about it? "Today was a perfect example. Blair came over and asked me if I wanted to have lunch. I know she hangs out with Lisa and Amy so I knew she would know quite a bit about me."
"Who are Lisa and Amy? And why would that tell her anything about you?"
"They're in our class," she explained patiently.
"Do you know everyone's name?"
"Well, yeah," she admitted with a slight flush. "I make it a habit to observe people and learn their names. Then I figure out who knows who. It makes things easier for me."
"Okay," Jamie replied as she took a breath. "I assume you've 'dated' Lisa or Amy?" She pronounced 'dated' about the same way she would have said 'molested'.
Ryan shot her a look that was far from happy. Her voice took on an edge as she replied, "I tried to 'date' Amy. We went out for coffee during the first week of class. I told her that I would love to take her out but that I did not have room in my life for a girlfriend. She asked me a few questions to make sure I was serious and when she was satisfied that I was she didn't want to go out with me. I did not have sex with her, Jamie. I didn't touch her," she added with a bit of a scowl.
"Oh, I get it," Jamie said. "You assume that Blair would know that you don't want a girlfriend since she knows Amy."
"Yeah, that seemed like a good bet. But just to make sure I'll tell her at lunch." She stared at Jamie for a long moment before she said, "You know, sometimes I come across as a real jerk. I mean, someone might just want to have lunch and talk about school, but I make it a point to tell them that I don't want to be in a re
lationship. It really makes me sound like I'm full of myself," she admitted with an embarrassed shrug.
"Ryan," Jamie said softly. "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. I don't know why today set me off, but I never should have spoken to you about it. It's really none of my business. But since we did talk about it, I'm really impressed with how honest you've been with women. That's really honorable."
A small smile finally graced Ryan's features. "You know, even if I wasn't honest, word does travel fast in the community. And there is not one woman in the Bay Area who can honestly say that she was my girlfriend."
"Not one?!" Jamie was shocked at this revelation.
"Nope. Not one."
"I find that nearly impossible to believe!" Jamie struggled with this information. "Have you never met anyone that you would like to build something with? Are you that picky?" she asked incredulously.
"I guess I am incredibly picky," Ryan admitted, a little sheepishly. "But I do occasionally find someone that I do really like. When that happens, I try to make them into a friend."
"Like me?" Jamie asked tentatively.
"Exactly," Ryan agreed.
"So do you just have um...one night stands?" she asked hesitantly.
"No, Jamie," she smiled. "I sometimes even have a meal or go to a movie with a woman. I like the companionship of women even when they're vertical. I'm a homophile as well as a homosexual," she said pointedly.
"Homophile?"
"Yes. That's a person whose primary attraction is to persons of their same sex. The attraction is distinct from the sexual aspect. You, on the other hand, are a heterophile."
"That doesn't sound very elegant," she admitted. "So you do see the same person more than once?"
"Sure," she said with a little shake of her head. "I'll continue to see someone until I think they're getting too serious. Then I back off."
"Have you ever met anyone that you liked who didn't want to get serious?"
"Yeah, I have a few um...buddies," she said with a deep blush.
Jamie noticed the blush and decided she had to find out what was behind it. "What do you mean by 'buddies'?" she asked with a sly grin.
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