"Yes, I have a working knowledge of those," she said with an impish look.
Jamie gave her a playful swat and continued. "How would you like it if you were dating someone for a long while and every time she pulled that dildo out you were supposed to be turned on just by looking at it?"
"Umm...just by looking at it?"
"Yeah. And most mornings you felt it jabbing you in the back and you knew that she just wanted you to turn over so she could put it in you?" Now Jamie was getting into the topic and the words just flew from her lips. "And every time you made any serious romantic gesture the dildo popped up again. If you kissed her with any passion or rubbed your hand on her thigh, the dildo would come out and you'd be on your back with it inside you."
"Umm, no other foreplay?" Ryan asked weakly.
"Sometimes," Jamie admitted. "But the dildo is where all the focus is. Your partner gets almost all of their satisfaction from putting that dildo inside of you, no matter how turned on you are. And once she's thrust it in you enough she pulls it out and looks at you with an expectant smile and asks, 'Did you come?' "
Ryan nodded her head briefly and gave the obvious answer. "I'd take the damn dildo and throw it away," she admitted. "I wouldn't allow her to use sex toys on me if she couldn't be more connected to my body."
"That's just how I feel sometimes," she admitted. "I don't agree with Lorena Bobbit's tactics but I have empathy for her," she said with a chuckle. "His penis just dictates everything, Ryan. And when he has an orgasm he seems to lose all motivation to continue to please me. I mean, he makes the gesture, but I can tell he wants me to cuddle him and let him go to sleep."
"Gee, Jamie, that really is a tough one," she admitted. "Clearly, the only way to approach this is to tell him what you need and make sure he does it. You're going to have to set the ground rules because it doesn't sound like he understands how to please you."
She blew out a frustrated breath and nodded slowly. "I know that's what I have to do, but I so want him to want to please me. Do you know what I mean?" she asked with a sad and terribly vulnerable expression on her face.
"I know," Ryan soothed as she rubbed her back gently. "But maybe if you told him he would eventually get to know you well enough that he would have some ideas of his own. You're going to be with this one man for the rest of your life, Jamie," she said solemnly. "You can't just hope for the best. I think you need to talk this through. You have to trust that each of you wants the same thing in a relationship or you're in real trouble."
Jamie looked up through half hooded eyes and asked, "You've been in his position; do you enjoy performing oral sex on another woman?"
"I told you about being with Sara," she replied in a matter of fact tone.
At Jamie's nod she continued. "Not long after the 'event' with her I met a woman when I was rollerblading in Golden Gate Park. I was still very fragile and I felt unattractive and totally undesirable. Katie was an intern working at the park through a program that Berkeley runs through their landscape architecture program. She was just 3 years older than I was but that seems like a lot when you're not quite 17. She was taking a break and came over to sit next to me on a bench. We started talking and before I knew it she asked for my phone number. I had never been picked up before and I didn't have a clue what to do so I stuck to the phone like glue until she called. Luckily for everyone in the house it only took her a day!"
Jamie laughed at her friend's self effacing recounting of this youthful encounter.
"She had a little apartment that she shared with two other women not far from Telegraph. I hopped on BART and went over for my first date with a woman. It was a Saturday afternoon in late May as I recall. I was so nervous I practically barfed on the train. I didn't know what I was supposed to do or what she expected of me. For all I knew we would just sit and talk or go to a movie." Ryan's face curled into a smile as she recalled, "She had something a little more intense in mind."
"You must have been terrified!" Jamie cried.
"Yeah, I guess I was. Her roommates each had a job and they were only going to be gone for a couple of hours so we got down to business right away. My hands were shaking so badly that she had to go first," she said with a laugh. "She kissed and touched me until I thought my head would explode," she said with a chuckle, smiling to herself at the memory. "But when she started to move down my body I just about freaked!"
Jamie joined in her laughter, terribly amused by her friend's animated facial gestures. "I was sooo naïve! I knew that girls gave guys head but I had never stopped to think about the converse. But from the first touch of her tongue I was a convert! Wow," she mused dreamily. "I can still feel it." She shook her head and looked over at Jamie, laughing when she caught sight of the look on her face. Her friend was intensely interested in the story at this point. She was sitting right on the edge of the table, hanging on to every word.
"So?" she asked eagerly.
"So..."
"So what was it like?" she demanded.
Ryan turned serious and regarded her carefully. "Do you really not know, Jamie?"
She shook her head rather violently. "If the half hearted attempts that Jack has made are representative of the act you are very, very easily pleased," she declared.
"Well," Ryan mused. "I'm not sure how to describe it. To be honest even though I still enjoy it a lot it's lost a lot of allure since I practice safe sex all the time. Honestly, that's one of the reasons I'd like a steady girlfriend. I'd like both of us to get tested for STD's and then stay monogamous. I am so sick of barriers!"
Jamie was still staring at her intently, obviously waiting for a response to her earlier question. "Okay!" Ryan laughed at her expression. "I'll do my best. Oral sex with someone you care about is the most intimate touch that you can imagine. I mean, it's using one of your most sensitive organs to give pleasure to them through their most sensitive organ. It's exposing yourself fully to your partner's touch. You're just so vulnerable in that position but the vulnerability is very erotic for me. There's just no greater sign that you love and trust someone than allowing them to touch you in that way, Jamie. It's just such a special touch...I really wish that you could try to experience it for yourself." She caught the questioning look that had not changed and asked, "Didn't I describe it well enough?"
Her friend shook her head briskly. "You described your emotional reaction really nicely. But what's it like physically?"
"Hmm, that's even tougher," she mused as she let her head fall back against her shoulders. "I don't think I've ever tried to describe this before." She spent another few minutes deep in thought and finally said, "I guess it's the combination of the vulnerability, the intimacy and the slightly naughty nature of the act, but all of that comes together for a real wallop on the old central nervous system," she said thoughtfully. "It's just a jolt of sensation when they first touch you. It starts in your vulva but just radiates out until your whole body tingles. Their tongue feels so warm and wet and soft, just such a tender touch. And if you're turned on enough it just feels like someone pouring aloe on a sunburn. It's really very soothing. But within seconds that fire is burning hotter than ever and you just want to jump in and let it burn you alive." Ryan's eyes were half closed and her mouth was curled up into an adorable little grin as she softly described the act. She had a dreamy expression on her face that perfectly matched her soft, sensual voice. Jamie knew that she had stopped talking and she sensed that it was now her turn. But she could not make her mouth move. She tried gamely, but the signal just could not get to her mouth from her brain since all of the other neurons were sending signals to her own vulva.
Ryan turned her head to look at her friend's open mouthed stare and finally asked, "Too much information?"
Jamie shook her head roughly to snap herself back into reality. "No, No, not at all," she insisted. "I just...I've never...I mean..."
"I know," Ryan said gently as she patted her knee. "But you can, Jamie. I know you have a ton of passion that just hasn
't been tapped." She smiled at the still stunned looking woman and said, "I think you're going to surprise yourself someday, Pal. I guarantee your best sexual experiences are in front of you."
"I certainly hope so!" she laughed. "I couldn't go on if I thought they were behind me! But back to your story. Wasn't it hard to touch her that way the first time?"
"No, not really. What she had done to me felt so utterly fabulous that I had to do it to her just as a way of thanking her!"
Jamie laughed again at Ryan's guileless face as she recounted her tale. "So, did you like it?"
"Like is not even in the ball park," she said wistfully. "I felt like we were merged into one big, throbbing, pulsing body. I was completely, totally, helplessly in love with Katie no more than 2 seconds after my tongue touched her. Of course she was a little more realistic about the experience," she said sardonically.
"What happened?" Jamie asked as she placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder.
"About what you would expect," she related. "She was from Iowa and since the term was over she was going home. She didn't want me to write to her and a few weeks later she sent me a note and said, 'Thanks, but no thanks'."
"You poor baby," Jamie said with a face full of empathy.
"No, no, Jamie, this isn't a sad story. I didn't know a thing about Katie. I wasn't in love with her. But she showed me how totally wonderful oral sex can be and for that I am forever grateful. I have no idea where she is today but wherever she is I hope she has gotten as much out of the act as I have over the years."
"So is Jack being a baby because he won't try it with more enthusiasm?" she asked with a bit of trepidation.
"No, not really. I had someone who showed me how to do it and how it felt to have it done to me. It's not quite the same for you but I bet if one of you was more experimental the other might follow."
"I guess that's about the only other option I have at this point," Jamie agreed. "If I ever want to have an orgasm I guess I'll have to try one of your suggestions. I'm sure he won't like it though. He views every orgasm as inferior if it doesn't come from penetration."
"That's ridiculous!" Ryan shouted before she could catch herself. "I would never try to dictate how my partner had an orgasm. Jesus! I do everything in my power to please my partner and these are women I hardly know!" She was immediately chagrined to have allowed herself to vent like that, but she was getting so sick of this guy. She hated to see Jamie saddled with an insecure jerk like this, but she knew that it was not her business. She vowed immediately to keep her opinions to herself, but she was amazed by the smile that lit up Jamie's face.
"Thanks. I really mean that," she said softly. "You've really made me feel better. I've been so afraid that what I wanted wasn't reasonable. But you've helped me see that not everyone is like Jack."
"Jamie," she said as she took her hand. "Sex is an important part of a relationship. You have a right to your own pleasure. You just need to figure out how to best please yourself and then you need to ask for it. You can't spend the rest of your life with this man only caring about him and his satisfaction."
"I know you're right, Ryan. But it's just another area that is not going to go smoothly," she predicted.
The rest of the weekend passed at a snail's pace. The restless boredom that had been tugging at her guts grew worse as the hours passed. She spent time with her mother, going shopping and trying out 3 new restaurants. Did I used to enjoy this? After spending yet another lunch listening to her mother talk about absolutely nothing of interest Jamie thought that she would scream. I've been here for 4 days and neither she nor Daddy has really asked about me. I know they don't know what classes I'm taking. They know nothing about my life. They don't even ask about Jack. Am I just so used to this disinterest that I've not noticed it before?
After dinner with her parents she decided to go spend the night with Jack. He was glad to see her, but within an hour he was engrossed in his schoolwork. Jamie pulled out her own books and spent the evening reading while sitting on the couch with her legs in Jack's lap.
Before bed she went into the kitchen to get a drink. He came into the kitchen just as she was finishing and sat down at the kitchen table. "I love having you here, Jamie," he said with a smile as he took her hand. "It just doesn't feel like home when you're not around."
Warning bells were sounding in her head but she ignored them and asked the question. "Why do you love me, Jack?"
He looked completely dumbfounded. "You know why I love you Jamie," he said defensively.
"No, I really don't," she disagreed. "I know that you tell me you love me, but you never tell me why." She grasped his hand and looked at him with pleading eyes. "Please tell me."
He stared at her for a long time before he finally answered. "I guess I love how I feel when I'm with you," he said thoughtfully. "You make me feel whole."
Is that all??!!! She continued to stare at him without saying a word. Silently she prayed that he would continue with something---anything--about her.
"I am really attracted to you," he continued hesitantly. "I love the way you look and I love the way I feel when I touch you," he smiled shyly as he began to do just that.
She concentrated with every fiber of her being and finally found the strength to shut down the voice that was screaming for her attention. She repeated the mantra, He does love you, he just doesn't know how to express it. He does love you, he does.
On Monday Jamie got to the gym just as Mia was finishing up.
Ryan's mood was ebullient when she greeted her friend. "Hiya," she said with a big grin as she gave Jamie a quick hug.
"You certainly look happy," Jamie said as she caught some of the infectious mood.
"What's not to be happy about?" she asked lightly.
"Good point," Jamie replied, thinking that she could spew for an hour about her unhappiness with Jack.
Mia was still at the gym working on the stair climber when they had finished their session. Jamie approached her and asked, "Would you like to go grab a bite with Ryan and me?"
"I'd love to as long as I can go shower first. I would scare the livestock the way I smell right now," she replied as she wrinkled up her nose.
"I think we could both use a little freshening up," Jamie agreed. "Let's go home so we can take a shower, then we'll decide where to go."
Mia called dibs as soon as they walked into the house. She trotted up the stairs with the promise that she would be quick. Jamie and Ryan walked up to her room to wait. They discussed all of their menu choices and when Mia was done Ryan went back downstairs to allow Jamie to get ready.
"So, how do you like working with Ryan?" she asked after Mia came into her room.
"I like it a lot, James. You were right; she is really good at what she does. And she's a lot of fun too," she conceded. "I guess I should just accept your view of people and save myself some trouble."
"I'm really glad you like her, Mia. I knew that you two would get along, being that you're my two favorite people." Mia smiled at her friend, pleased by the confirmation of their long friendship.
After they were presentable they settled on a Thai restaurant within walking distance. During dinner Jamie grew pensive and finally asked, "Do you guys think it's odd that Jack can't tell me why he loves me?"
Mia looked at Ryan who returned the gaze. They mouthed "Oh, Oh," in unison, as they laughed. Mia spoke first, "I guess that doesn't really surprise me," she replied. "Guys are not great at that kind of thing." She paused for a minute, "Let me guess, his answer was either 'Gee, I don't know, I just do', or it was about how you make him feel," she said presciently.
"Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner," Jamie replied. "His answer, and I quote, was 'I love how you make me feel when we're together'. " She let out an aggrieved sigh. "It makes me feel like I have to guess how he feels and just assume I'm right."
"Well, that is the safest course," Mia agreed with a slight chuckle.
Jamie noticed that Ryan had not responded, and was in fact
gazing down at her meal, deep in thought. She decided to drop the subject and they began to discuss their workouts and the ride and other topics of mutual interest. At about 7:30 Mia announced that she was meeting some friends for a movie. Both Ryan and Jamie declined the invitation to join the crowd and Mia took off after hugging both of them goodbye.
After they had settled the bill they began to walk down Telegraph. The street was still filled with the merchants who set up tables along the sidewalk and they browsed for a long time. After they had turned down a quieter street Jamie suggested they stop for a coffee. They found themselves at 'Sufficient Grounds', Jamie's favorite spot. They received their respective lattes and settled into a table.
Jamie noticed that Ryan was still a little reserved, so she finally asked, "What's bothering you? You were so up before dinner, and now you seem a little sad."
Ryan looked down at her coffee and shrugged her shoulders a little. "I don't know if I should talk about it," she finally replied.
"Should or want to?" she asked. "If something is bothering you, I want to know about it, unless you don't want to talk about it," she said firmly.
Ryan looked up with those deep blue eyes and stared at her intently for a long minute. "It's about what you said about Jack," she finally revealed. "It hurts me that he isn't able to make you feel better. I want you to have a great relationship. I really want you to be happy and fulfilled, Jamie," she said sincerely as their eyes locked again.
"I appreciate that more than I can say, Ryan," she said as she patted her friend's folded hands. "I know I shouldn't be so hard on him. Maybe I just didn't give him time to think."
Ryan shook her head a little. "That's what I was doing in the restaurant. It only took me a moment to think of what I love about you," she said with an embarrassed little smile.
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