She had to admit that Ryan was truly going out of her way to help cheer her up. After her workouts she took her over to the big empty parking lot of the local high school and patiently explained more of the intricacies of the motorcycle, allowing Jamie to ride the big bike for at least an hour each time. A week before break was over she surprised her by driving her over to the Department of Motor Vehicles and announcing that Jamie had an appointment to take her driver's test for her motorcycle license.
To her shock, she passed the test easily and after breezing through the written test she proudly displayed the temporary license to her beaming friend. "I'm proud of you," Ryan said fondly as she enveloped her in a generous hug.
"This was a wonderful gift, Ryan," Jamie said sincerely. "Spending your time with me and being so patient has really made me feel special."
"You are special," she insisted as she leaned over and kissed her lightly on her blushing cheek.
As she got ready for her ride on the Thursday before she was to leave Hillsborough she heard a knock on the door. Before she could reply her mother opened the door and came into the room. Jamie was only wearing her underwear and her mother dropped her jaw in pure shock. "My God, Jamie what have you done to your body?" she said in alarm.
"What do you mean?" she replied defensively as she grabbed her jersey and yanked it over her head.
"You know perfectly well what I mean," her mother replied sternly.
"I've lost some weight, but I'll put it back on soon," she replied, feeling very uncomfortable at this invasion of her privacy.
"That's not what I mean. Your weight is fine, Jamie, it's those muscles. You've done this intentionally and I want to know why," she stated firmly.
Jamie was baffled at her mother's behavior. Now she's interested in me? "I have been working out quite a bit, Mother. I'm going to participate in a big charity bike ride and I need to get in shape to complete it."
"That makes no sense at all, Jamie. What does riding a bike have to do with looking like this?" she accused as she pointed at Jamie's sinewy body.
"I need to be in good shape overall to be strong enough to ride 500 miles. I look a lot more muscular than normal because of the weight that I've lost," she said meekly.
"Do you mean to tell me that you plan on riding that bicycle of yours over 500 miles?" she nearly shouted. "I'll not have it, Jamie. That is a ridiculous feat to even attempt. There is no reason on earth for you to do that and I forbid you to even try."
Jamie was absolutely dumbfounded. She stared at her mother for a few long minutes. Neither woman spoke as the gulf between them widened perceptibly. Jamie simply turned and removed her jersey. She folded it and put on a t-shirt. She then began to pack up her clothes in silence.
Her mother stared at her back for a few minutes. "Jamie, I want your word that you will stop this nonsense right now."
"I can't do that Mother. I refuse to lie to you just to make you happy," she replied. "I make my own choices in life and this is a choice I have made that I intend to pursue. I would prefer that you support me, but I don't require it."
"Don't forget that we do support you, Jamie, quite well if I do say so myself. I believe we do have a right to express our opinions about your choices so long as you are our dependent."
She picked up her heavy suitcase and dragged it towards the door. "Mother, I appreciate your financial support, but we both know that I don't need it." She continued down the stairs, leaving her mother to stare at her in shocked silence from the doorway of her bedroom.
As soon as she was in her car she dialed Ryan's pager. Moments later she heard the reassuring tones over her cell phone. "Hi, are you going to be at home for a while?" Jamie inquired.
"Yeah, until 6 or so. I'm having dinner with Tracy. Why, do you want to come over?"
"Yes, if you don't mind. I just had a really bad fight with my mother and I need to talk about it," she replied shakily.
"I'll be waiting for you," Ryan replied.
When Jamie arrived an hour later she saw Ryan rollerblading down the street at breakneck speed. I can't believe she can blade up these hills. I have trouble walking up them! Boy, I bet my mother would love her body. "I think I understand why your father had to take you to the emergency room all the time if this is the kind of stuff you used to do," she chided her sweating friend.
"Actually, most of my injuries were from skateboarding," she related. "I used to go down to the financial district and zoom down all those cool plazas and walkways. He would have to come get me from the security guard's office and take me straight to the E.R."
"Did you hurt yourself badly?" she inquired.
"Mostly broken bones," she replied nonchalantly.
"Boy, my parents think I'm tough to handle," she shook her head in dismay at her cavalier friend.
They went down to Ryan's room, the house actually being empty for a change. Ryan took a quick shower while Jamie just looked at the pictures on the walls. She particularly loved the pictures of Ryan when she was a little girl. There were at least a dozen framed shots of her taken at various stages of her youth. Her favorite was one of her as a toddler, no more than 2 years old. She had the cutest little round face and with that shock of black hair and those crystal blue eyes she looked like a beautiful little china doll.
When Ryan came out, wearing a long sleeved red T-shirt and faded navy blue sweats, Jamie crossed the room and asked for a hug. Ryan responded quickly and Jamie just stood in the embrace for a very long time. "You're the only person I feel safe with anymore," she mumbled into the strong chest.
"Come over here and relax," Ryan said as she tugged her over to the bed. Ryan lay down first, scooting to the middle of the big bed. She pulled a couple of pillows behind her back to elevate herself, and then she held out her arm in invitation. Jamie gratefully accepted the offer and climbed right up next to her. Ryan wrapped her arm around Jamie's back, resting her hand on her hip.
"Tell me what happened," she urged.
"She came into my room and saw me in my underwear," Jamie said as though that explained everything.
"I didn't convert you to boxers, did I?" Ryan asked with a hint of levity in her voice.
"It wasn't the underwear--it was my body," she said as Ryan nodded her understanding.
"I remember we talked about this at the beginning. We talked about how Jack would feel but we didn't discuss her or your father," Ryan reminded her.
"She was unbelievably proprietary about how I looked. She forbade me to participate in the AIDS ride and she threatened to cut off my support," Jamie muttered, still shocked by the events of the afternoon.
"Can you survive if they cut you off financially?" Ryan asked.
"Yeah, I've got a good chunk of money in my personal account and I get a part of my inheritance on my birthday. I'm certain they can't do anything about that… unless they try to have me declared incompetent," she said with disgust.
"Is it enough to live on?" Ryan inquired delicately.
"Yeah," Jamie finally smiled. "It's enough for your extended family to live on, including the ones still in Ireland."
"Does that mean you're finally gonna start paying me to be your best friend?" she asked as she began to tickle Jamie's waist.
The smaller woman began to giggle uncontrollably at the attack. "How did you know I was ticklish?" she howled.
"You just look like the sort who would be," Ryan replied deviously as she began another round of the assault.
After Jamie recovered her breath Ryan got serious again. "What can I do to help you, Jamie? You know I'll do anything I can."
"Just knowing you're here and that I can count on you is an immeasurable blessing," she said sincerely.
When she returned to Berkeley there were 4 messages from her father and two from Jack.
I wonder who will be less supportive? she thought glumly. She decided to call Jack first. He was very upset that she had left the Peninsula without calling him, and he did not understand why she would upset
her parents like this. "Jamie, don't you care enough about their feelings to give up this stupid ride?" he finally asked out of exasperation.
"Why does no one ever suggest that they give up their desires to please me?" she asked plaintively. "Why is it assumed that in every one of my relationships I have to be the one to give in?"
"I assume that we're talking about us now, Jamie. I certainly think I've been more than understanding about all of your changes and your new friends. Don't think I haven't noticed all of the muscle you've begun to put on. I've got to admit it's kind of a turn-off for me. I like you to look like a woman, Jamie. I like your softness. Your baby fat was so soft and comforting when I would rest my head on your stomach," he said wistfully. "I've just been hoping that you will get this out of your system and things will get back to normal."
"Keep dreaming, Jack. It's not gonna happen," she said with finality as she hung up.
The conversation with her father went just as well as the one with Jack. Her father did not understand what had come over her. He thought her new friends were responsible for these changes and he thought that perhaps she should live at home for a while and commute. She thanked him for his concern and said she would think about it. February 11 cannot come soon enough. I'll be 21 and legally responsible for myself in every way.
On the first Sunday morning of spring term Jamie drove into the city at 7 a.m. After receiving permission, she stopped at her father's city apartment to trade the Boxster for the larger Range Rover. When she reached Ryan's home she was pleased to find that Martin was at home. He made a big breakfast for the three of them which she ate with gusto. After the meal she and Ryan thoroughly cleaned the kitchen. "Whose job do I have?" she asked brightly.
"You're Brendan and Conor," Ryan replied. "I'm me and Rory."
"Well, I certainly feel like part of the family." She added after a pause, "More like two parts, actually," she laughed.
By 8:30 everything was in order and Ryan drove the very short distance to her Aunt Maeve's home. Maeve's son Tommy was a fireman, and he generally had two or three days off in any given week. His wife Annie was a nurse anesthetist at San Francisco General. She worked second shift so she could be with the baby during her most active hours. When Tommy was at work the baby slept at Maeve's, an arrangement that had so far worked out beautifully. They tried to arrange their days off so that one of them was home, but one or two days every week Maeve took over. "You know, Ryan," she chided her niece, "I shouldn't let you have my precious little one for a whole day. I only saw her once last week, you know."
"I know, I know," Ryan agreed. "If only all babies could have it so good," she added soberly.
Caitlin was as delighted as a 4 month old can be to be in her big cousin's arms. They took the carrier for the baby, the stroller, the car seat and the huge diaper bag out to the car and struggled to load it all securely. They hooked the car seat into the rear passenger side so the baby could see the driver, who for a change was Jamie. She had offered to drive so that Ryan could sit next to the little passenger to keep her entertained.
After a short drive they arrived at their destination; Golden Gate Park. Jamie loved the big old park, but she had not visited it since she was on a field trip with her 4th grade class. They strapped Caitlin into the infant carrier and Ryan stood patiently while Jamie attached the giggling baby onto her big cousin's back. The stroller came out next and they put the diaper bag on the shelf of the bottom of the sturdy vehicle. Jamie had a feeling that the stroller would be used as a carry-all more than a carry-Caitlin. Ryan seemed to have almost a primal need to have the baby attached to her body, and Caitlin seemed to be much happier when she was able to feel Ryan's sturdy body moving against her own.
They walked around the park for a long time, pausing to watch people play tennis, ride horses and bikes and generally enjoy all that the park had to offer. Leaving the stroller at the gate they carried the now dozing baby into the gravel lined paths of the Japanese Tea Garden while they walked along chatting comfortably.
After a diaper change and a snack from the Italian deli that Jamie had snuck into the diaper bag they continued to walk rather aimlessly around the park. But after several hours of walking, stopping and being carried Caitlin began to get a little cranky. Ryan had Jamie remove her from the carrier and she patiently swooped her up and held her securely in her strong arms until she gave up the fight and fell asleep on her shoulder.
"You sure do have a way with her," she marveled. "Have you spent a lot of time with babies?"
"No, not really," Ryan reflected. "I just think about what I would want and I try to give that to her," she said simply. "I think every person just wants to be understood, no matter what age they are. It's tough when she's this young because she can only communicate through her cries. But when you really pay attention you begin to notice that her cries each mean something different. The main thing is to just stay connected so you can understand her even when she makes it hard."
"I don't think I've ever heard a more true statement," Jamie said with admiration as she linked her arm with Ryan's. "Everyone does just want to be understood."
They found a peaceful grassy area near the large windmills that dotted the grounds. Jamie spread out a thick blanket on the dry ground and Ryan gently placed Caitlin down. She artfully constructed a tiny little tent out of another small blanket and some rigid toys to keep the sun from the baby's body. They sat peacefully eating sandwiches from Jamie's secret stash. "You sure do know how to throw a good picnic," Ryan said as she happily munched away.
"I come from a family of football tailgaters, remember? You're just lucky I didn't bring a grill and a bag of charcoal."
As they relaxed on the grass Ryan turned to Jamie and said with a serious expression on her face, "I need some advice. Are you in the mood to hear about my problem?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"I need some advice about sex," Ryan said quietly.
"You need MY advice about sex? What's your question? 'How do I have less sex?' Or 'How do I make sex feel worse?' "
"Actually, you won't believe this but Tracy and I haven't had sex," she said after a moments hesitation.
"What!" Jamie said with alarm. "I thought your record for abstinence was two weeks! You've been seeing her almost 2 months!"
"I know, I know. But when I first asked Tracy out I promised that I would attempt to be serious about her. I've really struggled a bit keeping that promise. I just cannot play around with her because I like her so much." Here she paused as she looked at Jamie with wide blue eyes. "Do you understand? I don't want to have sex with her until I'm sure there is a future for us. I just don't want to hurt her if it doesn't work out."
"Has it really been hard for you?" Jamie inquired solicitously.
"It really has and Tracy hasn't made things easy for me either. She is so attractive and she turns me on so much that it's a constant battle when we're together. To tell you the truth she's a little angry with me about New Year's. She really wanted to sleep together but I stuck to my promise. I mean, this probably sounds stupid to you but I've always looked at sex as purely fun. I never really let it effect me emotionally. This is really new territory for me and it confuses me a little."
"What confuses you about it?" Jamie asked gently, reading the fragile look in her friend's eyes.
"How do you know if you're falling in love with someone?" she asked with the sweetest, most innocent look that Jamie had ever seen on her face.
"That's a very big question, Ryan. I know you were in love with Sara. How did you know that?" she asked.
"Sara just felt like a part of me," she said sadly. "But that still confuses me. How could I love someone who didn't love me back?"
"I think Sara did love you, Ryan. I can't believe that your feelings for her were one sided. It's possible that she loved you deeply but wasn't able to love you physically. It is possible to have a deep soul bond with someone and not consummate that bond."
"I guess you're right,"
she said as she thought for a minute. "I guess I'm confused because I don't know how to separate my feelings for her with my desire for her. I'm afraid that my need to be with her physically is obscuring my feelings. That's why I'm trying to hold off on having sex. I want this to be about love rather than sex."
"I really admire your restraint, Ryan. I know it's not easy for you. But, I can empathize. That's why I waited so long with Jack. I wanted to be sure of my feelings before I let sex confuse the issue."
"How did you know that you loved Jack?" she inquired.
"I just felt right with him. I admired him, I respected his moral sense, I trusted him completely. I could really picture being with him for the rest of my life and sharing everything together." She shook her head a little at the memory. "But maybe I'm not the right person to answer that question right now." She admitted.
"I'm really sorry things are so tough for you right now, Jamie. But I'm sure they'll turn around soon. Have you made up from your last little tiff?"
"I guess we have," she prevaricated. "We've talked on the phone several times and things seems pretty much back to normal. But normal just doesn't satisfy me anymore," she mused. "I want to be closer, Ryan. I just wish he'd spend as much time trying to understand me as you do Caitlin."
"I wish that too, Jamie," she said fervently. "I can't tell me how happy that would make me."
After a long while spent talking and listening to the birds fly overhead Jamie finally said, "I really envy Caitlin. She can just curl up and go to sleep whenever she wants to," she shook her head with envy at the sleeping infant.
"You can too, if you have the right equipment," Ryan said as she scooted up next to a sturdy eucalyptus tree. She rested her back against the trunk as she stretched out her legs and patted a strong thigh. "C'mon over and catch a little nap. I don't want to have to carry both of you," she grinned.
Awakenings - SF1 Page 49
