"It's a cold old world that we're walking through
they ought to tell you from the start.
But it's warm as toast, walking two by two
lay down the burdens of your heart"
"Lay down the burdens of your heart
I know you'll never miss them
Just show me, Angel, where it hurts
And let your Mama kiss it."
"It's a fine, fine line between love and hate,
it's hard to tell the two apart
But what strength I have, I offer you
Lay down the burdens of your heart"
As Ryan began the refrain again, Jamie was soothed into slumber. Her last conscious thought as she drifted off was of the bone deep connection she felt for this woman. There is no safer place on earth than in her arms.
She felt Ryan slip out of bed just after the sun came up. Not one molecule in her body wanted to follow her friend so she slipped back into sleep easily. At around 9 her body demanded that she answer its call and she slowly stirred. She heard a soft chuckle from behind and she sleepily turned and saw a smiling Ryan, sitting at her desk, in her underwear, pouring over her books. "I didn't wake you, did I?" she asked.
"No, I didn't hear a thing. How long have you been up?" she asked through a yawn.
"About 3 hours," Ryan replied after checking her watch. "Duffy and I went on a run, then I made breakfast for the boys and I've been studying for about an hour," she said.
"What time is it?" Jamie inquired after shaking the fog from her brain.
"It's just after 9. What can I make you for breakfast? You name it."
"Something bland would be good. I'm still a little queasy," she admitted. "I think I'm going to go to Mass at 10:30." She stretched languidly and asked, "Do you want to go with me?"
"Um...I will if you need me to," Ryan replied after a brief hesitation. "I have plans to have brunch with Tracy, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we shifted it to a late lunch. Actually," she said as she rose and went to the phone. "Let me call her and cancel. I think I need to stay close to you today."
"No, Ryan, really. I'm fine going alone. I'll call my grandfather and see if he can spend some time with me after the service. You go meet your girlfriend," she said as she climbed out of bed and patted Ryan on the shoulder. She walked a step or two before she turned back and wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck and gave her a strong squeeze. "I can't thank you enough for last night. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you."
Ryan leaned her head down to rest on Jamie's entwined arms and gave her a gentle pat. "I'm glad you called, Jamie. Now go get ready while I get your breakfast."
Jamie was amazed at the array of items in front of her place at the table. There was a large bowl of slow cooked oatmeal, a small pitcher of cream, bowls of brown and white sugar, a bowl of raisins, a cut up banana and a tiny bowl of blueberries. "I wasn't sure what you liked on your oatmeal, so I brought out everything," she said logically.
"I usually have what Mr. Quaker gives me," she replied with a gentle shake of her head. "I'm unfamiliar with all of these options. What do you recommend?"
"I am a fan of cream, brown sugar, banana and blueberries," she replied. "May I?" she asked as she picked up the bowl of oatmeal.
Jamie nodded her assent as Ryan got to work mixing the ingredients one by one until the dish had the proper consistency. She presented it with a flourish and was very pleased by Jamie's compliments.
"I don't think I've ever had oatmeal before," she mumbled through a large mouthful of the delicious cereal.
Conor came in just then and sniffed appreciatively. "Oooh, oatmeal. Is there any more?" He walked over to Jamie and kissed the top of her head as he gave her a firm hug. She leaned back against him from her position on the kitchen stool as he maintained the contact. It was obvious that Ryan had told him what happened, but equally obvious that he was more comfortable giving her physical comfort than verbal. She patted his hands as he drew away.
Ryan came back with two more bowls filled with the warm dish. She placed one in front of Conor and the other in front of an empty stool. Moments later Rory poked his head in inquiring, "Oatmeal?" as all three laughed.
As Jamie was leaving Ryan inquired, "What are you doing after you speak with your grandfather?"
"I guess I'll just go home," was the sad little reply. "I've got some reading to do for school."
Ryan moved around so that she was facing her friend. She squatted down a tiny bit so that she could look directly into her sad green eyes. "I'd feel better if you came back here," she said somberly. "You've got your books with you, don't you?"
When Jamie admitted that she did indeed, Ryan persisted. "I want to see you again today. My date will be over by 3 at the latest. Why don't you come back here and study?"
"I don't know, Ryan. I might feel a little uncomfortable with you not here," she replied with a tiny bit of hesitation.
"Let me ask Conor if he'll be home. If you're lonely he can keep you company or you can go to my room and read." When Jamie hesitated Ryan played her trump card, "Will you do it as a favor to me? If you won't come over I'll have to come to your house to check on you. It will save me a lot of driving."
"Like I could refuse to do you a favor, huh? Very sneaky Ms. O'Flaherty, very sneaky indeed," Jamie teased her as she easily saw through the ruse.
As they had arranged, Rev. Evans waited for Jamie in the Sacristy after Mass. He was in very good spirits and was happy to see his only granddaughter. But one look at her forlorn face immediately alerted him that something major was amiss. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong now, or over lunch?" he asked as he gave her a hug.
"Over lunch I think," she replied. "It's gonna take a while." They walked next door to the small house that the church provided. The housekeeper had made them a nice lunch before she left for the day and as they sat down at the kitchen table Rev. Evans placed his hand on Jamie's and said, "Tell me what's wrong, Sweetheart."
Before she could even attempt to stop them the tears started to flow. Jamie could not remember crying like this in front of her grandfather but he patiently waited until she was able to speak. Finally, she was able to say, "Jack broke off our engagement, Poppa."
"Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry. What a sad thing for both of you," he said with sympathy. "Tell me what happened."
"Well, we haven't been getting along great since the school year started. We just fight about little things, and we had never done that before," she related.
"I must admit that surprises me, Jamie. I honestly never saw any tension between you two."
"Maybe that's part of the problem," she ventured. "Neither one of us is very good at showing how we feel," she reflected. "Anyway, it's been getting worse lately. He's gotten very jealous and he really doesn't like one of my friends."
When Rev. Evans looked confused Jamie explained, "Remember Ryan who is training me for the ride?" At his nod, she continued, "Jack doesn't like me to see her, and it had become a big issue. I don't think the issue is really Ryan though. I just don't think he liked the fact that I did something against his wishes."
"Do you really think he called off your marriage just because he didn't like your friend? That just doesn't seem like Jack."
"Part of it is that, but another part is that I was spending lots of time with Ryan, even though it didn't interfere with our time together. He didn't like the fact that I was doing this ride, and he didn't like the changes in my body," she blushed a bit as she said this.
"Still, Jamie, that is a drastic action over some minor issues. Is this really everything? What specifically doesn't he like about Ryan?"
"I think it's mostly that she's a lesbian," she admitted. "He thinks that hanging out with a lesbian is exactly like hanging out with another man. I've got to admit, I've been disappointed in his attitudes about gay people, Poppa."
"As you know, that's not a uncommon reaction, Jamie." He paused to look at her carefully. "Do your parents know yo
ur friend?"
"Um…no, I've never taken her home."
"But you've been at her home," he said with a tiny frown. "Quite often if I recall."
"Yes," she said as she smiled. "Her family has just about adopted me."
"Why haven't you introduced her to your family, Honey?"
"Mainly because Daddy agrees that I should stop seeing Ryan because Jack doesn't like her. He doesn't understand why I would make Jack unhappy over a friend," she replied.
He leaned back in his chair and nodded briefly. "Do your friends like Ryan?" he persisted.
"Well, Cassie hates her. She is part of the reason this got so bad with Jack. She's been trying to get him upset about Ryan and she's been very successful," she admitted disgustedly. "But Mia likes her a lot. She's even hired her to train with."
"I want you to think about the next question carefully Jamie. You tell me that your fiancée has broken up with you over her, your father agrees with him and one of your closest friends hates this woman. Is there something about her to create this emotion or are they all just narrow minded?"
Jamie did as he suggested. She was deep in thought for several minutes. Finally she replied, "I think Ryan is the sweetest, most thoughtful, most kind person I've ever met. I swear there is nothing about Ryan that isn't a positive force on my life. I really think they've just jumped to conclusions because she's gay, Poppa."
He let out a breath and rubbed the bridge of his nose in a frustrated gesture. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time that people had an irrational reaction to a lesbian." He shook his head a little and turned to gaze thoughtfully at his granddaughter. "How do you feel about her Jamie?" he asked carefully.
Jamie began to turn red as she realized that she had to tell everything. "I feel safe with her. She's my best friend and I treasure every moment we share. She is just the most extraordinary person I've ever met."
Rev. Evans leaned over and gently grasped Jamie's hand. He gave her a small smile as he said, "Seeing how your face lights up when you talk about her could be part of the issue, Jamie. Perhaps Jack felt that he had to compete against her. And maybe he thought that he would lose."
"What do you mean, Poppa?" she nearly gasped.
"Describing her as the most extraordinary person you've ever met doesn't leave much room at the top for Jack, does it Honey?" he asked gently.
A deep sigh preceded her answer. "No, I suppose not," she replied glumly. "But she really is remarkable, Poppa. She's helped me change and grow in so many ways. And I just couldn't give her up. Not for Jack... not for anyone!"
After a moment spent gazing at her face he asked, "Do you have romantic feelings for her, Sweetheart?"
The blush that flew to every exposed inch of her skin was a dead giveaway. "Um, I... I... I guess the thought has crossed my mind," she admitted rather weakly. "She is incredibly attractive and I have had a... romantic dream about her. But that is really recent. I haven't had any thought about leaving Jack for her, I swear! I love her, Poppa, but just because I love her doesn't mean I'm in love with her, does it?"
"Of course not. It's entirely possible to form a very close and loving attachment to a friend. But you say that you have recently been thinking about her in a different manner," he reminded her. "Tell me more about that."
"I guess it's just snuck up on me," she said slowly. "I... I actually kissed her on my birthday," she admitted with a furious blush. "But it was just one kiss and we didn't even talk about it afterwards. We've slept in the same bed twice since then and nothing has happened so I think it was just kind of a fluke."
"Do you think it is within the realm of possibility that Jack could have picked up on your changing feelings?" he asked.
"What? That I kissed her?"
"No, Honey," he said. "Could he have picked up on the fact that your feelings are beginning to deepen?"
"I'm not sure that they have deepened, Poppa. I'm just so confused," she moaned. "I suppose it's possible that Jack noticed something. But he disliked her from the very beginning, Poppa, long before I knew her well at all."
"Besides this thing with Ryan, how are you getting along with your parents?" he asked.
"Not great. Mother is very unhappy about my involvement with the AIDS ride. Daddy actually defended me last night that really made me feel better, but I just don't think the issue is dead. And I'm worried about their reaction to Jack's breaking up with me. I'm sure they'll blame me."
"Anything else?" he persisted.
"I just feel like I'm growing up all at once, Poppa. I'm making decisions for myself and no one is supporting me. They still think of me as a child, and I think Jack did too," she added.
"How have you been feeling, honey? Is this all bothering you a lot?"
"Yeah, it really has. My sleep has been way off and I can't seem to keep my weight up. You know how I get my nervous stomach? It's been a lot more nervous than normal and that contributes to the weight loss," she admitted. "I'm down to less than I weighed when I entered high school."
"Have you ever considered seeing a counselor, Jamie? I think this would be a great time to get some professional help with these issues," he opined.
"Can't you help me? You always have before," she asked with a look that reflected both fear and surprise.
"No, Honey, I'm too involved. I don't think you have any terrible secrets just waiting to jump out at you, Jamie. But I do think you're going through a tough time dealing with some very adult matters, and I think you could use some help. What do you think?"
"I guess that's a good idea," she replied a bit hesitantly. "Can you help me find someone?"
"Sure, I have a couple of referrals. I really think this will help, Jamie. Give it a little time and I guarantee you'll feel better. Now lets try to get some of this lunch into you," he said affectionately.
Chapter 14
At around 2:30 she pulled up in front of the house in the Noe Valley. She knocked on the door and Conor came to answer. "Hi. How was church?" he asked brightly.
"It was good. What have you been up to?" she replied.
"Rory and I are watching the Warriors on TV. Ryan just got home. Go on down if you want," he said.
She started down the stairs but paused as she reached the open door. Jamie stood in open mouthed shock at the scene in front of her. Ryan was lying half on the bed, with her new pants around her ankles. She had on her standard knit boxers but this pair was bright white. Tracy was straddling her waist and was bent over her prey kissing her in a thoroughly erotic manner. Ryan's wrists were pinned down securely by Tracy's hands, and the smaller woman was slowly undulating her hips in a lust filled pattern. Ryan seemed to be struggling a bit but just as Jamie turned to go back upstairs she heard her friend utter a long, low moan that turned her knees to rubber. She had to place her hand on the wall to steady herself, but she was able to climb the stairs and reach the safety of the living room. She found herself standing in the kitchen when she heard Martin come in the front door.
Doing her best to compose her face she went out to greet him. "Hi, Martin," she said lightly.
"Ah, Jamie. I hoped that was your little car I spotted out in front," he said as he came over to give her a hug. "What are you girls up to today?" he inquired.
"Nothing much. I just got here. I had been at church and Ryan went to brunch with Tracy. I think she's downstairs changing or something," she said, just lying a little.
"Does she know you're here?" he inquired. "Go on down if you like."
"No, no," she responded immediately. "I'll just wait until she's finished."
"Let me get you a drink or a little something to eat, Jamie," he said as he regarded her thoughtfully. "You're still losing weight aren't you?" he said after a moment. "Are you still troubled by the attack?"
"No, it's not that. I've been having kind of a hard time, and I have trouble with my stomach when I'm upset."
"What's troubling you, lass?" he inquired as he brushed her cheek with his palm.
"My fiancée
broke off our engagement last night," she replied shakily as a few tears started to stream down her face.
"You poor little thing," he said soothingly as he wrapped her in his arms. For reasons she could not understand Jamie felt completely comfortable resting her head on his chest and letting out her feelings. "That man must be daft to let a prize like you get away."
"Thanks, Martin," she said softly as she pulled away. "That really does make me feel better."
At that moment Ryan and Tracy came in to the kitchen, hand in hand. Martin greeted them both as Jamie struggled to erase the image burned into her brain. Finally, she was able to say hello in a fairly normal tone of voice.
Ryan looked at her quizzically as she asked, "Have you been here long?"
"No, just a few minutes," she fibbed. "I was just chatting with Martin here," she said as she smiled at him.
He smiled back as he replied, "I'm going to go change out of my uniform. Try to get this one to eat a bite or two will you, Darlin?" as he addressed Ryan.
"I try, Da. I really do," she said as she grinned at her friend.
Tracy came over to Jamie as Martin left the room. She placed her hand on her shoulder and looked directly into her eyes. "I'm really sorry to hear about your breakup, Jamie. I really feel for you."
"Thanks, Tracy," she replied, still a little shaky.
Tracy went back to Ryan's side and smiled sweetly at her. "I've got to go study, Sweetie. I had a very good time at brunch."
Ryan placed two of her fingers on Tracy's chin. She slowly lifted her head as she softly touched her lips with her own. Both kept their eyes open and Tracy's mouth broke into a grin as Ryan pulled away. The kiss was completely chaste, no more than a light touch. But Jamie felt like she had witnessed a terribly private moment. She felt an ache of emotion flood through her chest at the tenderness of the contact. And right at that moment, she knew. She was as sure as she had ever been about anything in her life. No qualms, no doubts. She wanted Ryan. She wanted to be with her, to touch her, to love her. She felt herself begin to become aroused thinking about how she wanted to touch her and be touched. Her dream came back in full force and she had to close her eyes to concentrate on remaining centered.
Awakenings - SF1 Page 55
