"And you would like to experiment with me?" she asked in that same calm tone of voice.
"Well, yeah," Jamie laughed with an embarrassed giggle. "I'm not attracted to any other woman."
"Oh," Ryan said as she released her hold and stood. "You want me to make love to you so you can make sure I really do turn you on." She was obviously getting angry and Jamie tried to stop her to explain but Ryan was on a roll. "So if I fuck you well enough I win, but if your orgasm doesn't reach a certain height you put me back in 'friendville' and go marry Jack, right? Now correct me if I got any part of this wrong, Jamie," she said with biting sarcasm. "Do I get two out of three tries? Do I immediately go to oral sex or can I pull out a big dildo to help me out?" She was towering over Jamie's now shaking body, glaring at her with an intensity that was terrifying to the smaller woman. "I'd tell you where you can stick your idea, Jamie, but that might be another area I might be expected to satisfy!" She turned and ran up the stairs, yanking the front door open violently and shutting it with a glass rattling slam.
She wasn't sure of many things right then. But she was most definitely sure that she had never been more bereft. She was as sure as she had ever been that she had destroyed her friendship with the closest friend she had ever dreamed of having, and she was equally certain that Ryan would never have her as a lover. She hovered over the commode, heaving every morsel of food and acid from her clenching stomach, hoping fervently that she did not pass out, since that would only make a worse mess for Ryan to clean. She was crying so violently that she did not hear her come back into the room but soft warm hands lifted her gently from her kneeling position and scooped her up into Ryan's embrace. She carried her back to the loveseat and placed her gently on the cushions but Jamie's fragmented brain could hardly accept the generous gesture. Seconds later a warm cloth whisked the tears from her face and wiped her mouth gently. Then the cushions compressed as Ryan sat down right next to her and pulled her onto her lap.
The dark head leaned forward and planted tiny, soft kisses all over her face, reassuring Jamie with her physical intimacies. When the great, heaving sobs calmed she tugged the smaller woman close and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Jamie. I'm so very sorry."
She accepted the apology even though she did not believe that Ryan had anything to apologize for. "I'm the one who should apologize," she murmured against her damp neck.
"No," Ryan said firmly. "I told you to tell me what was on your mind and when you did I blasted you for it. That was just wrong of me, Jamie. And I'm very sorry for doing that."
"I hurt your feelings, Ryan," she mumbled softly.
"Yes, you did hurt me," she agreed. "But you didn't mean to. You're just trying to find a way to make this whole thing less frightening for yourself and I should have realized that."
"Are you still my friend?" she asked tentatively.
"Always," Ryan replied confidently. "I will always be your friend, Jamie." After a second she explained, "But if we were to sleep together on a whim I don't think I could be your friend. You mean far too much to me to cheapen what I feel for you, Jamie. I can't and I won't reduce my feelings for you to mere lust."
"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, Ryan. I don't know where that even came from," she said sadly as she shook her head. "I find myself saying and doing things that are just not me! I hardly recognize the woman who propositioned you just to try lesbian sex out!"
Ryan's gentle chuckle caused her to look up. "It wasn't that bad," she teased.
"Yes it was," Jamie said firmly. "That's not who I am, Ryan. I don't even know where that thought came from but it's not how I think of you."
"Thank you," she murmured as she gave her a gentle squeeze. "That makes me feel better."
She uttered a deep sigh and moaned, holding her stomach. "I should get home. I need to get something in my stomach."
Ryan sat back and regarded her carefully. Jamie was still terribly pale, her face nearly ashen. Her hands were clammy and shaking a little, whether from nerves or vomiting, Ryan wasn't sure. She was however, sure that she would not allow Jamie to drive in this condition. "Two options," she said firmly. "You stay here or I drive you home. Your choice."
She knew that nothing could budge Ryan when she had that determined look on her face so she pursed her lips and said, "I'll stay."
Ryan got her a pair of flannel pajamas but she could not keep the pants up so she decided to sleep in the roomy top and her panties. She tucked her into bed and went back to her desk to study for a while but it was clear from the tossing and turning that Jamie could not sleep.
Without even asking if she wished comfort Ryan took her book and got into bed, lying in the center of the king sized surface. She urged Jamie to rest her head in her sweatpants covered lap and began to slowly run her fingers through her short blonde locks. As expected, her breathing evened out and deepened almost immediately as Ryan smiled down at the gently dozing woman nestled up against her body. Come on, Jamie, she urged in silent prayer. Face the truth!
"I understand that the dream upset you, Jamie, but maybe we can make some sense out of it if you'll talk about it," Anna urged.
"All right," Jamie begrudgingly agreed. "I was swimming in my parents pool at home. Everything was fine, nice day and all that, but the water was chilly so I had to keep moving. But all of a sudden I was in the ocean. It was weird because I couldn't see land but the water was so calm and still that it was just like the pool had been. Nice and calm but still a little cold. But it was definitely the ocean and I knew that it was really deep so I had to keep floating. There were all sorts of things floating right by me; a life preserver, a thick pool float, even one of those floating chairs. But I didn't want any of them for some reason. I just kept on trying to swim. It went fine for a while but eventually I got tired of trying to just stay afloat. But here's the weird part. Instead of grasping on to one of the nice safe life rafts I started to venture into the choppy, rough water that I could see in the distance.
"I don't know why I did it," she marveled. "The place I was in was so much calmer and safer, but I had to reach that turbulent water. The closer I got the more energized I felt," she said in wonder. "It was really rough going but I had to continue farther and farther out. Even though the water was wild and rough it was much warmer and clearer. I could actually see all of the marine life surrounding me and that made it very exciting. The water was so blue and clear it was like I was in the Caribbean rather than California. But again, the waves continued to grow. The chop must have been two feet and I felt like I'd never make it. But out of nowhere Ryan appeared. She swam right up to me so confidently that I immediately started to relax. I really needed her help but she didn't grab me like I thought she would. Instead, she gave me a beautiful smile and turned so that she was lying on her back. She started to kick and move farther out into even rougher weather. Her eyes were on me the whole time and seeing her encouraged me but she wasn't giving me the kind of help I needed. She just smiled and kept kicking. I knew that I had to follow her because she was my only chance at survival! But as I soon found out, she was not going towards shore. I could now see the shore and the calm waters but I was inexorably drawn to follow her. It made no sense to me!" she said in a frustrated tone. "The shore was the other way! All of those things that kept me afloat were in the other direction. But I followed her into those deep, treacherous waters."
"Is that all you remember?" Anna asked.
"Yeah, that's it."
"Have any ideas about the meaning?"
"Yeah, that choosing Ryan's going to be the death of me," she grumbled. "I mean I had that nice pool, I had the nice calm ocean but I just had to let her lead me into the depths."
"Maybe," Anna mused slowly. "Or maybe she wasn't leading you at all. Maybe she was supporting you on a journey that you were determined to take."
"Journey?"
"Yes. A journey of discovery, Jamie. Tell me again about the water."
"Well, the water in the pool was nice. A littl
e cold, but nice. Then the calm ocean water was about the same. But as I went into the rough water it became warm, almost my body temperature. Wait a minute!" she said excitedly. "It was my body temperature! The farther out I got, the less I could even feel the water. It must have been exactly my temperature."
"What else?"
"It was warm and very, very clear. The water in the calm part had been like regular ocean water. You could only see a few inches. But the rough water was so clear you could see everything around you. It was really exciting," she related. "Kinda like scuba diving."
"Were you afraid to follow Ryan?"
"Yes! I was scared spitless!"
"But you chose to, even though you could see the shore and the nice calm water."
"Yes, I did," she said quietly.
"Why do you think you chose to follow her into dangerous waters rather than go back to safety?" Anna asked.
Jamie was quiet for a long while. She had closed her eyes to allow herself to think more clearly. The silence continued until she lifted her head and opened her eyes, focusing on Anna with a defiant look in her eyes. "Because the calm water was going to kill me," she said firmly. "The only chance I had was to risk the turbulence."
"Was it Ryan's decision to lead you out there?" she asked gently.
"No." Jamie shook her head forcefully and took a deep breath. "She came out to the turbulence for me. She was risking her own security to help me save myself."
Anna nodded briefly and asked the critical question. "What does the dream tell you, Jamie?"
She closed her eyes and involuntarily shivered from head to toe. Her eyes blinked open slowly and her voice grew quiet but determined, "It tells me to say goodbye to Jack."
She considered every permutation of plan. Should she have him come to Berkeley? Should she go to his apartment? Over the phone? In a letter? But none of the options seemed optimal. She had never broken up with anyone special before and she truly hated that Jack had to be the one. Finally deciding that she had to get it over with she called his apartment at 7 o'clock.
"Jamie, hi," he said warmly. "I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."
"I need to talk to you, Jack. Can I come down?"
"Tonight?" he asked in surprise. "What is it, Jamie? Is something wrong?"
"Yes, Jack, something is wrong but I think I need to tell you in person."
"No," he said firmly. "I don't want to wait an hour. Don't hold me in suspense, please," he begged.
She drew in a breath and let it out slowly, trying to steel her nerves. "It's about us, Jack," she said with a tremulous voice.
"I assumed that, Jamie," he said calmly. "What about us exactly?"
"We...we can't be together," she whispered as the tears began.
"Why?" he asked so softly that she could barely hear him. "I thought that I had..."
"You did nothing wrong, Jack. You were absolutely perfect," she said as the sobs shook her body. "It's not you...it's me."
"What is you?" he asked, again in a barely perceptible voice.
"I'm not able to commit to you fully Jack. I...I...I have sexual feelings for other women," she mumbled, refusing to make Ryan be the villain.
"So do I, Jamie," he said with as light a tone as he could muster. "But I don't act on them because I love you. Don't you love me enough to put those feelings aside?"
She was shaking her head even though he could not see her. "It's not like that, Jack. It would always interfere between us. You're too wonderful a person to settle for someone who wasn't able to give you all of their love."
"Shouldn't I be the one who decides that, Jamie?" he asked flatly. "Please don't try to make my decisions for me."
"This isn't just for you, Jack. I've tried to focus only on you but I haven't been successful. This is something I have to experience. It will haunt me forever if I don't. I swear the pull is just too strong."
"Stronger than your love for me?" he asked quietly.
"It must be," she admitted as her voice broke. "God! I wish it wasn't, Jack!" she sobbed. "I want to be with you, and have a bunch of kids and close this part of myself off. But I can't. I just can't," she added weakly. "It would be unfair to both of us and our children because someday the pull would be too great and I would ruin all that we had built together."
A long silence developed since she had nothing more to add. Finally he asked, "Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes," she said quietly. "I'm certain."
He blew out a long breath and quietly said, "I love you, Jamie." Then the phone went dead.
The phone rang again at 10 and she was tempted not to answer but she stumbled to the handset and picked it up. "Hello?" she said with her stuffy nose and raspy voice.
"Jamie?" Ryan asked, a little unsure if it was her.
"Yeah," she said flatly.
"What's wrong?" Ryan asked amid the noise of wherever she was.
"I had a tough evening," she mumbled.
"Well, you looked upset while we were working out. That's why I called. I was getting ready to go home and I wanted to make sure you were all right."
"I'm all right," she said very unconvincingly.
"Jamie, we talked about this last week," she reminded her. "You can tell me what's bothering you. That's what friends do."
"I can't," she muttered as she started to cry. "I've been crying for 3 hours and I don't want to start again!"
"I'll be there in 5," Ryan said decisively as she hung up.
True to her word Ryan knocked softly on the door mere minutes later. Cassie poked her head out but she nodded when she saw Jamie open her door to go answer the knock. Her eyes were swollen from crying, and red blotches covered her face and neck. Her hair was seriously askew from trying to sleep and her nose was running continually. But Ryan just gently placed her hand on her back and led her back upstairs. When they reached the room she put a calming CD in the changer and turned it on to disguise their voices from prying roommates. "You don't have to tell me anything," she promised. "Just let me hold you and comfort you."
Even though she did not speak the tears started again. Jamie stood in the middle of the room looking lost and small and frightened. Her shoulders shook from crying and she was sobbing so hysterically that she could not have been understood if she had tried to speak. But she nodded her head at Ryan's offer and closed her eyes as the warm embrace enveloped her. "Bed or loveseat?" she asked gently.
Rather than respond Jamie started moving towards the bed and Ryan released her tight hold to drape an arm around her shoulders. She half fell onto the mattress and Ryan kicked off her shoes and climbed right up next to her, snuggling behind her and stroking her arm. She asked no questions and Jamie offered no explanations but after a few minutes she felt the aching sadness begin to lift a little bit. She knew she was close to collapsing from exhaustion so she asked, "Stay with me?"
"Of course," she murmured. Ryan got up and removed her jeans and slithered out of her bra, a difficult feat when one doesn't take off the t-shirt covering it. But she quickly returned to the bed and cuddled up behind her friend, wrapping her arm around her waist.
Jamie was almost asleep but just before she drifted off she mumbled, "I broke up with Jack tonight. Permanently," she added.
Ryan felt a huge amount of empathy for her friend but the tiny glimmer of hope in her heart that had nearly been extinguished flickered and grew warmer, causing a small smile to grace her lips as she tilted her head up to gently kiss Jamie's tear streaked cheek.
On a cloudy, damp afternoon she sat in Anna's warm office and declared, "I think I'm ready to move forward with Ryan if she's still interested after my meltdown," she added with a smirk.
"Have you spoken to her about your relationship since that little incident?" she asked delicately.
"No. We've become strangely silent about the whole thing. But we seem to be even closer than we were before," she admitted. "She hovers over me like a hawk, always making sure that I'm doing all right. We're together almost c
onstantly and when I don't see her she calls me right before she goes to sleep."
"That sounds encouraging. What makes you think you're ready?" Anna inquired.
"My feelings for her just get stronger all the time. I just feel so good when we're together. It's like she is just so complementary to me. I can honestly say that she helps bring out the best parts in me," she replied thoughtfully.
"Do you have any doubts about moving forward?"
"Yeah, oh yeah!" she laughed. "I'm scared spitless, to be honest. I know in my heart that this is right for me, but I'm really scared about sex," she admitted, a bit embarrassed.
"What is it that scares you?" Anna asked gently.
"It's just that I've never been with a woman and she's been with...let's just say that she's been with a lot of women," she blushed. "I worry that I won't be able to please her, or that she'll get frustrated with my inexperience."
"Would you feel comfortable talking to her about your fears?"
"I think I would. I mean I tell her everything else. I may as well own up to this too," she laughed. "It's funny, but I dated boys for almost 6 years before I had intercourse. I just wish I could spend a little time just exploring with Ryan before it got too intense. I wish I could get a 'lesbian learner's permit'. But that didn't go over very well the last time I brought it up," she added with a noticeable shiver.
"That was a completely different situation, Jamie. You're asking for something very different now. There is no outside force that compels you to do things that you're not ready to do. If you want to go slow and just explore there is no reason that you can't do that."
"I'm just afraid that Ryan wouldn't be able to do that," she added shyly. "She has needs that she's not used to denying."
"If she's the person that you think she is you might be surprised at what she would do to make you comfortable, Jamie. I think you owe it to yourself to make this experience as safe as you need it to be. I think you need to talk to Ryan," she said firmly.
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