by Mike Spohr
In the washing machine: You will brag to all of your friends about having found the perfect hiding place until you forget your candy is in there and turn a load of whites Hershey’s brown.
In the vegetable drawer: While the odds of your toddler looking in here are low, the odds of you adding more and more candy until it transforms into the “candy drawer” are high.
A locked safe: This location all but guarantees your candy will remain safely out of your toddler’s hands. Just make sure your combination isn’t “0000” or you might stumble upon a “master thief.”
VEGETABLES
Toddlers may be willing to do just about anything to eat candy, but when it comes to vegetables, the opposite is true. In fact, if it were up to them, they would subsist exclusively on mac and cheese, pizza, quesadillas, and chicken fingers, and consider a scoop of strawberry ice cream to be health food. So how can you get your toddler to eat vegetables? While it isn’t easy, there are things you can do to improve your odds of eventually seeing your kid eat a vegetable without a knock-down, drag-out fight.
Have you ever been in public and spied a toddler happily chomping on a tomato or cucumber? If you have, you’d be forgiven for assuming they were a robot instead of an actual living, breathing toddler. These tots are human though (probably), and if you ask their parents what their secret is they’ll generally point to two things. The first is that they introduced vegetables to their toddlers when they were still babies. This might not be possible with your kid, especially if she’s already developed a taste for nacho cheese and ketchup, but the sooner you introduce vegetables into the mix, the better the chances are that she will eat them.
The second thing these overachieving parents do is set a good example by regularly eating and enjoying vegetables themselves. If vegetables aren’t a regular part of your diet, you can help the situation by making an effort to eat them, even if at first you sound like a hostage reading a prepared statement: “This vegetable is both nutritious and delicious. I am going to put it in my mouth and swallow without any difficulty, because its taste brings pleasure to me. Hooray for vegetables. Hooray.” Whether you choose to do this or not is entirely up to you, but you should know that if you make a gag face when you find a stray fried zucchini in your basket of cheese fries, your toddler probably isn’t going to be gorging on veggies anytime soon.
Toddlers love color, so try putting together a plate featuring colorful vegetables like carrots, bell peppers, broccoli, and squash. Plus ranch dressing—lots and lots of ranch dressing.
You can also encourage your toddler to eat her vegetables by saying things like, “If you eat spinach you’ll get strong like Popeye,” and “If you eat carrots you’ll see better at night!” Neither of these things is actually true, of course (not even the one about carrots—that’s British propaganda from World War II), so why not go one step further and tell your toddler something that will really make her want to eat her veggies? You could ask her if she knows that veggies will give her magical powers! Just be sure to cover your lie by telling your toddler the magic won’t kick in until she’s twelve or so, and only if she keeps eating her veggies. The one downside of this strategy is that people might find your kid a little (or shall we say a lot) strange for thinking that eating asparagus is going to turn her into Harry Potter. But so what? It’s a small price to pay to have a kid who doesn’t shriek in horror at the sight of a plate of vegetables.
Lastly, if your toddler absolutely refuses to eat vegetables no matter what you do, you can use a blender to “hide” them in foods she will eat like pancakes or smoothies. While this will get the vegetables’ nutrients into your toddler, it won’t help her overcome her aversion to veggies because she won’t know she’s eating them. And, making matters worse, if she ever finds out what you’re doing it will make her forever suspicious of you, and lead to frustrating conversations like this:
Your kid: “Did you put veggies in this?!”
You: “It’s a Snickers bar.”
Your kid: “Answer the question.”
You: “It’s still in its wrapper.”
Your kid: “JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION!”
To avoid having this happen to you, it’s best to purée the vegetables when your toddler is out of the house, preferably no less than five to ten miles away.
RECORDED TODDLER DYSFUNCTION THROUGHOUT HISTORY
Japan’s greatest master of the haiku, Matsuo Bashō, was born in 1644 to a samurai, but turned his back on the military to live the life of a poet. He found much of his inspiration by wandering the country, and on one of these journeys was given shelter by a young family. While there he composed haikus about the family’s picky-eating two-year-old. The poems, while firmly ranked among his lesser works, shed fascinating light on the historical toddler:
“He begs her for rice
But once it is made and served
He now wants noodles”
“One vegetable
Is all that his mother asks
But plated it stays”
“Child screams and hollers
Mother screams and hollers back
Father eats his food”
“Child cries in anger
Eggplant is touching his fish
A crime, it would seem”
“Under the table
Child drops fresh fish, rice, and bowl
What a freaking brat”
PROTECTING YOUR FOOD
If there’s one type of food that toddlers will always want to eat without reservation, it’s your food. This means that in order to continue enjoying your meals and snacks, your usual three-step routine of going to the kitchen, preparing food, and then eating it will now have a new wrinkle: using ninja-like subterfuge.
Thankfully, there is a trick that works well during the early stages of toddlerhood. When you’ve made yourself a bowl of, say, spinach and artichoke dip, and your toddler comes running for it while shouting “Mine!”, quickly point to the bowl and say, “Spicy!” This will likely stop her in her tracks, as will saying other words you know she’ll respond poorly to, such as “Hot!” or “Pickles!” Just don’t make the mistake some parents have made, which is to tell their toddler that their food is gross because it’s made of poop. This could lead to an embarrassing situation in public where your toddler desperately reaches for your food and screams, “PLEASE! I WANT YOUR POOP! LET ME EAT YOUR POOP!”
If you’re having trouble finding your toddler, loudly make some food in the kitchen. This will make her come running as if by Pavlovian response.
Unfortunately, as your toddler ages this trick will become less effective. To up the ante, try plopping a jalapeño onto whatever you’re eating. You can even do this with ice cream and tell your toddler, “Why yes, son, I am eating ice cream! It’s jalapeño-flavored and very spicy! Sorry, pal!” If you’re out of jalapeños or simply don’t want even one near your food, parsley can also make a very effective toddler repellent. Just be sure that when you use this trick successfully you don’t let a “Mwahahahahaha” escape from your lips. When you have a toddler, you must keep all maniacal laughs on the inside.
Eventually, none of these tricks will thwart your toddler, and you will need to take other measures. One is to establish a firm “no toddlers on your lap” rule while eating, because once your toddler has weaseled her way onto your lap and put herself between you and your food, she’s won. Your food might as well be her food.
Another measure you can take is to make more food than you can eat, knowing that your toddler will want some of it. Do not, however, make the mistake of preparing your toddler a plate of this food ahead of time—that food she won’t want (even if it did come out of the same pot as yours). Instead, wait for you toddler to beg for what’s on your plate, then scoop the surplus you accounted for onto a plate for her.
Finally, no discussion of how to safeguard food from your toddler would be complete without covering how you can enjoy sugary treats without having them ripped from your hands.
The best way to do this is by waiting until late at night when your toddler is deep in REM sleep, but many parents can’t wait that long. If you fall into this category, you must be sure never to eat anything sweet within the general vicinity of your toddler. Often parents will covertly toss a chocolate into their mouth, then (thinking they’re in the clear) return to their toddler’s side while still chewing. This is a serious tactical error, though, because toddlers can tell the difference between when you’re chewing something boring and chewing something delicious. You will then be stuck listening to cries of “Want candy!” for the next hour or until you give in and share your stash.
A more effective way to sneak a daytime treat is by absconding to the bathroom. This method is not without its drawbacks, though. First, it means leaving your toddler alone for the thirty to sixty seconds it will take you to frantically cram a candy bar into your mouth, and that’s more than enough time for her to wreak havoc on your home. Second, even if your toddler doesn’t sense a disturbance in the force and come running, you’re still stuck eating your treat in the bathroom. Hard as it may be to wait, night is the best time to enjoy your sugary fix—just be sure to listen for the sound of toddler feet hurriedly padding your way.
EATING AWAY FROM THE TABLE
If you think toddlers are messy when they’re sitting down to eat at the table, they are downright slovenly when you’re on the go. It’s as if they lose all sense of where their mouth is without a table in front of them.
At home, your toddler will want snacks away from the table. You’ll be tempted to give her simple ones like popcorn in front of the TV or chips while she plays with toys. Those snacks may seem innocent enough, but it’s still best to have a firm rule about not eating away from the table. Why? Because once you give your toddler an inch she will take a mile. She will slowly ask for food that is more complicated (and messy) until one day you’re finding a slice of pizza in the bathroom, pudding inside of shoes, and moldy string cheese in your toddler’s bed. Clearly, it’s best to keep your toddler seated for all eating at home to avoid this trajectory.
There is an important exception. In the car, your toddler will demand snacks the second you leave for your destination. While you can try to have a “no eating” rule there, too, this often leads to a hungry toddler, which is the worst kind of toddler there is, especially on the road. Because of this, many parents decide that enjoying (relative) peace and quiet in the car is worth having smashed fish crackers on the floor and half-chewed gummies stuck to the seats. To help limit messes (and to make things as easy on you as possible) buy single-serving snacks or create your own with baggies before you leave the house. Why single-serving sizes? Because if you hand your toddler a full-size bag of pretzels, you can bet it will be overturned onto the floor within thirty seconds of the handoff, making a mess and making your toddler cry.
There are many other locations you will need to feed your toddler, each of which comes with its own challenges. At the beach, for example, you should never pack anything overly sticky or your toddler will cry for hours about sand being stuck to her food. Playgrounds will make your kids filthy, so consider bringing along food that can be eaten with utensils. And if you try something absolutely crazy—like going to a museum—only bring along food that can be quickly shoved into your toddler’s mouth inside a bathroom stall. Also, never, ever forget a drink. If you do, you’ll be forced to listen to whiny cries of “I’m thirsty!” until you somehow track down a beverage.
Lastly, you should always try to avoid the most dangerous “away from the table” food: ice cream. Often it will pop up suddenly in the form of an ice cream truck or pushcart. If there aren’t other kids around, you can usually distract your toddler from noticing the moving freezers, but once she does, the jig is up. When that happens you should make your toddler sit down to eat her treat, but you’ll still need to be prepared for the ice cream to run down her arms onto her shirt, pants, and feet. And you’ll need plenty of wipes—forget them, and your kid will wipe her sticky fingers off in her hair.
Always have an emergency snack (such as gummies) stashed away in your purse or car. You never know when you might be stuck in a line and your toddler will find herself dying of hunger. Just resist the urge to eat it yourself.
CHAPTER 4
GROOMING YOUR TODDLER
From a distance, toddlers can look like nothing short of the cutest little things in the world, but up close they’re liable to make your stomach turn. That’s because they spend their days covering themselves in boogers, dirt, sand, chocolate stains, pizza sauce, crushed ants, dried ice cream, mom’s makeup, dad’s shaving cream, melted cheese, allegedly washable kid’s glue, Play-Doh, and about a thousand other things. As the parent of a toddler, your unenviable task is to keep your whirlwind from looking like a living and breathing version of Pigpen from Peanuts.
The task is even harder than it seems, because toddlers don’t want to be clean either. They will fight you every step of the way on the road toward cleanliness, and they aren’t afraid to fight dirty to stay dirty. So grab your soap, washcloth, and wipes. It’s time to learn the things you need to know so that your toddler doesn’t become “that kid.”
BRUSHING UP
In their darkest hours, many frustrated parents of toddlers think, “Why do I torture myself trying to brush this kid’s teeth? They’re just baby teeth! In a few years the permanent ones will come in and then we can start brushing—when my kid is more reasonable!” While this line of thinking is alluring, you mustn’t let yourself be seduced by it. Teaching your toddler good oral care is important, and toddler breath can be stinky (so the brushing is as much for you as it is for your kid). Unfortunately, while you do have to clean your toddler’s teeth, it isn’t easy. Your toddler will do everything he can to resist until he breaks you and wins the right to go to bed with fishies and fruit snacks stuck between his teeth.
Your first challenge will be to get the toothbrush into your toddler’s mouth. While many dentists suggest you “pleasantly persuade” your toddler to open his mouth, you will likely find “pleasant persuasion” ineffective as your toddler clenches his teeth and flails about. Instead, try tickling your toddler. When he laughs, you will have a clear path into his mouth.
Once you get the toothbrush into your toddler’s mouth you must be prepared for him to bite down on it over and over. He will also reach up and try to swat your hand away, so you may have to pin his hands down. Because this is very stressful, it is easy to unknowingly shorten your toddler’s brushing sessions over time from a solid couple of minutes to about seven seconds. To avoid having this happen to you, try setting a timer when you start.
It should be mentioned that there is some anecdotal evidence that you can make the experience less miserable by distracting your toddler while brushing. This is worth trying by singing a silly made-up song (“Crazy Mr. Tooth Wants to Get Clean!”), showing him a video (one of himself is best, since toddlers are little narcissists), or letting him play with your phone (just make sure he isn’t so close to the toilet that he can drop it into the water).
Some parents suggest allowing your toddler to brush his own teeth, but this will likely end with him sucking off all of the toothpaste before listlessly holding the brush in his mouth. Others will advise you to buy your toddler a toothbrush with a theme based on his favorite TV show or movie; however, you should know that your toddler will likely just play with it instead of actually brushing.
Last, but not least, you need to be prepared for your toddler’s first visit to the dentist. While these are actually fairly easy trips because they have plenty of kids’ movies and toys on hand, the dentist will ask you if you’ve been flossing your toddler’s teeth. It is important to know this now so you can respond with a convincing “yes” instead of laughing out loud.
HANDS AND NAILS
More often than not, your toddler’s hands will look like a mechanic’s at the end of a twelve-hour shift. Amazingly, this can even be true twenty minute
s after he’s woken up and ventured no further than the family room. How your toddler manages to do this is a mystery, but your job as his parent is not. You must keep his hands as clean as possible, not only to lower his chances of getting sick, but to avoid receiving judgy looks in public for toting around a toddler with seemingly radioactive hands.
First and foremost, you need to understand that cleaning a toddler’s hands is not for the faint of heart. You’re guaranteed to come into contact with all kinds of sticky, stomach-turning substances, and what you’ll find under his nails will be even worse: remnants of yesterday’s lunch, dirt, dark stuff you hope is dirt, boogers, and a whole lot of other unwanted surprises. Because of this (and because you will be cleaning his hands and nails regularly) it is imperative that you learn to keep down your lunch.
While there is no great secret to cleaning a toddler’s hands besides using lots of soap, you will need to make sure the water is the right temperature. If it’s too hot or too cold, your toddler will yank his hands out from under the water, then kick and scream until he escapes your grasp and runs as far away from the sink as he possibly can. As if that weren’t bad enough, from that day forward he will distrust your water temperature-setting skills and shout “No! No! No!” every time you try to wash his hands. To avoid having this happen you will need to learn how to mix the hot and cold faucets with the precision of a chemist.
THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF DIRTY TODDLERS
“THE BANKER”
This toddler picks up every single coin he comes across including ones found in the gutter. Consequently, his hands are covered in grime and his entire body reeks of copper.
