by H. D. Nels
Helen tried to get his attention while David glared at her.
“Help Line, this is Benny.” He thought he heard soft sobbing. He also felt that this call was more serious than any he’d had before. It was a gut feeling, almost as if waves of despair were coming through the phone.
“Benny, I don’t want to be alone right now. Can we talk? It won’t take long.”
A chill washed over Ian. “Sure, we can talk all night if you’d like. What’s your name? Do you have something you’d like to talk about?”
The voice was tired, subdued and lacking emotion. “I’m Colby. It won’t take all night. I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Okay, Colby. But we’ve got all the time you want. You sound sad. Tell me what you’re thinking at the moment?”
“Do you believe in God, Benny? Do you think someone like me can get into heaven? I’m afraid, Benny. I guess that’s why I don’t want to be alone.”
“Colby, there’s more to the universe than people. Yes, I think there’s something bigger than us. I don’t know what to name it, but God is as good as any. I’d like you to be honest with me. Are you thinking of dying now? Have you done anything?” Ian’s heart was pounding.
Colby’s voice was so gentle, sounded so vulnerable and totally lost. “Yeah, Benny, I took some stuff so I probably won’t be around much longer. I’m so tired. It seems to go on and on but never gets better. Do you know what I mean?”
“I want you to tell me what you took, and when. Please? I want to help you get past the pain you’re feeling, but we need to have more time. If you know the name of the drugs we can get help.” His mind raced, trying to find a lifeline he could offer.
The chuckle was soft, mirthless. “Benny—I like that name. I had antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I told you I was messed up. My dog died, I lost my home, can’t find a job and my family shuns me because I’m gay. I don’t think there’s any help for me.”
Ian got angry, not the way he felt in Sheila’s office, not angry at his caller. “Okay, Colby. I get it that things aren’t good. In fact, the whole fucking mess sounds like the makings of a country song.” He heard a sharp intake of breath, both on the phone and in the room. “Sometimes people can take the pain and hurt they feel from life and express it in songs. Like country songs. Others paint, write stories, or poetry. Hell, there are many outlets to channel it. I wasn’t making a joke about those things that cause you to feel the way you do. I’m trying to find a way to reach you, so I can help.”
Ian’s mind raced as he tried to find something good for his caller to grab. “Tell me about your dog. What breed was it? Tell me about it, how old, what name did you give?”
“Nipper was a Scottish terrier and he was beautiful and loyal.” Colby sighed. “He was my best friend.”
“When did you lose Nipper, Colby? How old was he?” Ian hoped the love of his dog might be enough to give this man something pleasant to remember. Fuck, unless he was squashed by a semi. Maybe this topic isn’t such a great idea.
“Nipper was twelve. He got so tired he couldn’t go on. I took him to the vet. Do you think he’s waiting for me? I’d love to see him again.”
Ian tried to put levity into his voice. “You realize Nipper was almost seventy in dog years? He only lived that long because you obviously loved and cared for him. He may be waiting for you, but I’d bet he’d rather you adopt and love another pup. Anyone who loves an animal the way you loved Nipper has a lot of good in his heart. Can you try to find any of that good for yourself? Maybe find a way to love yourself?”
Colby sounded weaker. “Do you know how sexy you sound? You’ve got so much compassion in your voice. I’ll bet you get people calling back all the time to hear you. If I wasn’t so tired I’d probably be aroused. Do you think I’m a good person and could care for another dog? I don’t have a job and I can only afford a room.”
Ian heard a big sigh followed by soft sobs again. “Please, Colby. Let me get someone to help you. You’re a good man and there are things in this world that need you.” He listened to dead air before the phone clicked when his client disconnected.
Sheila had been standing nearby after David called her. Ian sat still for a moment, silent tears rolling down his cheek. He looked up when Sheila placed a coffee on his desk. Delores looked shaken and David shook his head as he turned to take a call.
“Go have a break, Ian. I’ll watch your desk until you get back.” She sat when he took his coffee cup to the kitchen.
Ian felt awful. Colby had only wanted to not feel alone while he died. Ian wondered if he took that comfort from him. He hoped there wasn’t enough medication to actually kill the man—or perhaps someone would go by to check on him. He couldn’t die. He raised his voice. “You’d better not fucking die.” Colby sounded young, certainly younger than Ian. Maybe more like Brody’s age around twenty-five, almost five years younger than Ian. It was right then that Ian wished Brody was there with him. He took so much comfort with him and he was unquestionably, certainly, most definitely in love with him. I must remember to tell him how much he means to me tonight.
Ian reluctantly walked back to the line room. It was quiet with only Sheila, Delores, and David there. The other two volunteers left to grab some food.
Delores stood and approached Ian. “Ian, I’m sorry. I get carried away and never noticed how my actions have hurt you and David. I’m getting old and afraid to lose that spark of youth. We three spoke while you were in the kitchen. It never dawned on me that men could be victims of sexual harassment. Until David spoke about how he felt and Sheila said you were leaving the line. Please stay, if anyone should leave it would be me.” Delores was almost in tears.
“I tried to tell you, without being rude or ignorant about it. I believe David did as well in his own way.”
Ian looked at Sheila. “Maybe I should have filed a formal complaint. I’d hoped I could get her to understand without The Line losing her ability to work with people in distress. You’ve got two fine people in Helen and Bruce.”
“I thought about our conversation. You’re correct, I did have a double standard but I’ll fix that. You are also correct that I should have been told about the harassment. And you are right that these two are excellent volunteers. So are you, Benny. I don’t want to lose any of you. Please reconsider staying on with us. Don’t let that call from Colby convince you otherwise.” She stood and got her things to leave for the day.
At the end of the shift, Benny, Helen, and Bruce were about to put on their outside identities. There was some joking but it seemed that their relationships were growing into friendships. They were walking to the parking lot when Delores called out. David turned to wave when he tripped over something and did a face plant. His arms stretched out to break his fall. Ian hurried over to help and as soon as he saw David’s wrists, he knew they were taking a trip to the emergency care center.
Chapter Eight
Ian waited while David was assessed. Eventually, a nurse came by to bring him to the treatment room. David looked unhappy and very uncomfortable. The finishing touch to a plaster splint was being applied to his left wrist.
“Hairline fracture of the mandibular phalange or some other Greek words I don’t recall.” David made up those words hoping to sound medically enlightened. He saw the doubt in Ian’s eyes. “In English, I have a fucking hairline fracture of the bone from thumb to my wrist. There’s also a bone chip in my right wrist, but they don’t cast those. I wouldn’t let them anyway. I can’t cut off my sex life completely for twenty-one days.”
Ian chuckled. “Am I taking you home when we’re done here?”
A doctor came in while they spoke. “I’m afraid not, Mr. Bryant. You hit your head when you fell and we want to observe you overnight. You have a concussion. We’ll get you settled in a room. Your friend can visit you there.”
Ian met up with Brody at the admissions desk. He’d called earlier to tell his boyfriend he’d be late. Brody decided to come to the h
ospital. He finished work at the bar and came directly there.
He took Brody to meet David. All three chatted after introductions. Ian decided to get food in the cafeteria when Brody agreed to accompany David to his room. Once David was wheeled to a semi-private room and made as comfortable as they could, Brody sat and read.
A nurse came in to check on David so Brody moved out of the way. He noticed a man, apparently asleep in the other bed. He was thin, and the shadow of strain marred his otherwise peaceful countenance. His dark brown hair was long and framed his head on the pillow. His eyebrows were arched, giving the appearance of the grand finale at a high-end stylist. The lips were full and so very kissable, much like his Ian’s. He wondered about the eyes, imagining them to be an amazing shade of green. He tried to guess the man’s height, but being horizontal didn’t give him much of a frame of reference.
The nurse spoke softly to Brody. “Your friend is in considerable pain. He put it at twenty-three on a scale of one to ten.” She chuckled. “Wrist injuries can be very painful. I’m going to see if the doctor might prescribe something for the pain. Normally we don’t like to do that with a concussion patient. I’ll be back shortly.”
David was given an injection to ease the pain but would also cause him to feel drowsy. The nurse promised that he would be checked more frequently than usual. Brody texted the room number to Ian and sat back to wait while David slept.
* * * *
Ian didn’t have much of an appetite but grabbed a salad and tea. His head was throbbing from the events of the evening. Actually, he knew his head was spinning while he second-guessed his conversation with Colby. He’d eaten half his salad when his phone chimed with Brody’s text. Ian searched for the hospital room. In the hallway outside, his phone rang.
“Hi Delores, why are you up so late?” He hoped she wasn’t back in flirtation mode.
“Ian, thank you for looking after David. How’s he doing? I was worried and hoped it would be okay if I called you. I…I’d also hoped you’ll forgive me.”
“David has a fractured wrist and will be sore for a while. They’re keeping him overnight. I’m about to go in and see him—I’ll give you a call tomorrow with an update. Thanks for caring.”
He heard a commotion from inside the room. He slowly walked in to see Brody trying to calm a man in the bed across from David’s.
“That’s Benny, I heard Benny. He saved my life. I need to talk to him, to thank him.” The voice was weak but carried.
Brody glanced over at Ian and shrugged. He put a reassuring hand on the man’s arm. “Hey, try to calm down. You heard my boyfriend, Ian. He may sound like someone you know, but his name is Ian.” He waved Ian over to the bed. “Maybe you could reassure this guy. He thinks you’re someone else.”
Ian smiled and walked closer. The man looked weary but Ian’s heart pounded with relief. He wondered if it was possible that Colby had survived and was here now. “Ian Lawlor at your service, sir. What’s your name and how are you feeling?”
A confused look followed by a frown told Ian this was his help line caller. He wasn’t sure what he should do. He didn’t want to cause the poor man any further stress or anxiety, but the Help Line rules were clear about contacting callers. Technically, he wasn’t deliberately making contact.
“You’re Benny—we spoke about Nipper, my dog. You were kind to me. You may say your name is Ian but you have the exact caring and compassion in your voice that made me change my mind. I hung up and called 911.”
David mumbled from the other bed, but loud enough for the others to hear. “Benny’s awesome,” followed by soft snores.
Brody smiled. “You’ve got an amazing line name, stud. Benny. I like it.”
Ian did the yoga breathing again before speaking. “Colby, thank you so much. I felt as if I’d driven you away when you ended the call. When we volunteer at Help Line, we use made-up names to protect everyone involved.”
Brody chuckled. “I steered him to that volunteer gig, but I didn’t know he had an alter ego. You’re right about one thing, Colby—Oh, I’m Brody by the way, pleased to meet you. It’d be nicer under more pleasant circumstances. But no matter who this man calls himself, no other person on the planet has that quality of voice. I wasn’t surprised that you stood firm believing it to be Benny.”
Ian waited until a nurse came to the room. David was still asleep and Colby was fading. “We’re leaving now, but I’ll be back in the morning to get David. We’ll see you then. Try to rest and not think about anything but adopting a new pup.”
Brody linked arms with Ian as they walked down the hallway. Ian felt drained after the discussion with Sheila, his emotional call from Colby, followed by David’s fall. He glanced over at the man on his arm. “This was sure a strange day. I’d rather not talk about it if I can con you into giving me some serious Brody lovin’ when we get home.” He stopped and turned to face his lover. Ignoring anyone and everyone around them, he took Brody’s face in his hands and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. “Have I told you today how much I love you? You comfort me in ways you’ll never know and I don’t have the words to tell. Thanks for being you.”
Brody smiled, feeling as though he’d won a lottery. “You’ll never have to con me into giving you my attention or affection. It comes as natural as breathing. Let’s get home so I can look after you.” They started walking again. “You know, Ian, I heard you talking outside the room back there but couldn’t make out what you were saying. Somehow, Colby heard your brief chat and knew it was the same voice of the man who saved his life. Whatever you said gave him the desire to go on living. That officially makes you special.”
* * * *
Brody decided to go with Ian to the hospital. Ian was considerably more relaxed for which Brody gave himself credit, fully aware of his awesome bedside manner. They checked in at the nurse’s station and entered the room. David was already dressed and waited patiently. Colby was still in bed but sitting up.
This man has the potential to be a god. Brody couldn’t help the thought as it sprung to his mind. He figured with a few good meals and sweat-driven exercise, he’d rank in the Ian category of fantastic keepers. Forcing his mind back to the boundary of decent thought he strolled over to greet the man. “You’re looking better today. Is that only for effect, or are you feeling it, too?”
Colby smiled. “You’re Brody, if my mind is working halfway right. And Benny is actually Ian.” He glanced at his hand worrying the fabric of the bedcover. “I don’t want you to think I’m a loser or a weak person. Sometimes life kicks too hard and a man can’t forget that it isn’t personal. That’s my problem. I need to get out of here, get my head back on straight and get re-established. Hell, I’m only thirty-two so I can still get a job.” He paused and shrugged his shoulders. “I think I’m talking more to me than you. Sorry about that.”
Brody sat on the edge of the bed. “Talking is good, whether it’s to me or you. Getting the stuff out of your head seems like a good thing to do. I’d never judge you for what you did or how you think people see you. A bit of meat on those bones, decent rest and relaxation, and you’ll be fighting the guys off.”
Colby had a puzzled expression. Then he turned his head toward Brody and raised his eyebrows.
“Okay, yesterday you mentioned that you might be a tad gay. You were drowsy from the drugs. I’m trying to stroke your ego here. Even if you aren’t gay, once you get yourself back into peak physical condition, you’re going to be fair game for anyone with a pulse. I work a gay bar, so I know how that works.”
Colby chuckled. “I told Benny I lost my family and home because I’m gay. I lived in a closed community run by a few leaders. My father reacted badly to my admission. I was shunned by family, forced from my house—I owned it, bought it with my hard-earned money. Then I was evicted from the community with the clothes on my back. I need to adjust to life in the city. I have to find a place to stay. My room was likely already rented out. Then, I need a shower and shave and a
lead on a job.”
David called over to Colby. “All my paperwork is done. I’m leaving now with Ian. Good Luck, man. You’ll catch a break, I’m sure.”
Colby waved to acknowledge the comments.
Ian approached the men. “I’m taking David to his place then heading to the office. Want me to drop you off anywhere, lover?” He leaned over and kissed Brody.
“Thanks, babe, but I’m going to sit and talk with Colby. I’ll grab a bus or cab when I have to leave.
“He must love you a lot. I mean to kiss you in front of anyone. That takes guts and commitment.” Colby had a wistful look on his face.
“You’ll find someone who will love and respect you the way Ian does with me.” Brody thought for a moment before speaking again. “When will you get out of here? Do they have legal sanctions for potential suicide cases?”
“God, I hate that word. The word suicide sounds so gross—like phlegm or syphilis. No wonder there’s a stigma attached.” He chuckled. “Maybe it’s time to give it a more pleasant sounding name, like masturbation. I have a meeting with a shrink this morning. I guess I’ll learn then what my fate is.”
Brody laughed. “Death by one’s own hand worded to sound pleasant, like gratification by one’s own hand. I don’t work until this evening so I can stick around if you’d like some moral support.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Immoral support might be more like it. Ian says I have a dirty mind.”
Colby shook his head. “I’ve had it to here with morals anyway. I think in my former community the old men make up the rules as they go. They chose the prettiest girls for themselves and decided who the young men could marry. When I was chosen to wed a considerably older widow I came out to my family. The rest is history.”
