by Dan Gutman
“There aren’t any more grown-ups for Officer Spence to arrest,” Ryan whispered. “What’s he gonna do now?”
“Beats me,” I said.
Officer Spence climbed up on the stage and grabbed the microphone.
“Okay, I have looked over all the evidence,” he announced. “I examined fingerprints. I looked at hair samples under a microscope. I got the results of the DNA tests. And now I know the truth. I know who the guilty party is. The peanut butter and jelly bandit is…”
I leaned forward in my seat. We all leaned forward in our seats. It was really suspenseful! Everybody got quiet. You could hear a pin drop. But not one of those little pins you use for sewing clothes. Those pins don’t make any noise when you drop them. I tried that once, and I couldn’t hear it at all. I mean like a bowling pin. Because they make a lot of noise when they drop.
Bowling is fun. I got a 109 once. I’m going bowling on Saturday because I got invited to Neil the nude kid’s birthday party. They’re going to put up bumpers so we can’t throw any gutter balls.
But that doesn’t have anything to do with all the suspense that was in the all-purpose room.
“The peanut butter and jelly bandit is…”
Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. Because at that moment, the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
But I’m not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter to find out. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
11
Skippy and Jif Save the Day
Officer Spence was about to name the peanut butter and jelly bandit when we heard this loud grinding noise. It sounded like it was coming from under the stage.
Then there was a banging noise. BANG! BANG! BANG!
And then, right next to Officer Spence, this thing popped up from under the stage! It was tan-colored, and it looked like a balloon or a beach ball or something.
“A tan-colored beach ball is coming through the floor!” I hollered.
“No, I think it’s a giant sea serpent!” yelled Ryan.
“It looks like an enormous lightbulb!” shouted Michael.
“Run for your lives!” screamed Neil the nude kid.
But then we all realized that the thing that was coming up through the floor wasn’t a balloon or a beach ball or a giant sea serpent or an enormous lightbulb. You’ll never believe in a million hundred years what it was.
It was Mr. Klutz’s shiny bald head!
Our principal, Mr. Klutz, climbed out from under the stage. He was wearing a prison uniform.
“Hooray for Mr. Klutz!” all the teachers shouted.
Coming up right behind Mr. Klutz was our vice principal, Mrs. Jafee! She was wearing a prison uniform, too, and she had two dogs with her.
“We thought you were in jail!” shouted Michael.
“We were in jail, you betcha,” Mrs. Jafee said. “We tunneled out using our yogurt spoons.”
“I’m starved,” said Mr. Klutz. “Does anybody have any yogurt?”
Officer Spence looked really mad. He wheeled around and pointed his finger at Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee like it was a gun.
“Freeze, dirtbags!” he yelled. “You’re under arrest…again! In fact, you’re all under arrest!”
“All of us?” asked Andrea.
“That’s right,” Officer Spence said. “Kids too. The whole school. Everybody’s under arrest! You’re all going to jail. Hands up!”
Four hundred kids put our hands in the air. Mrs. Jafee’s dogs started nosing around the stage like they were trying to smell something.
“What cute dogs!” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up. “What are their names?”
“Skippy and Jif,” said Mrs. Jafee. “They’re peanut butter–sniffing dogs.”
Peanut butter–sniffing dogs? I heard of dogs that sniff out bombs. I heard of dogs that sniff out drugs. But I never heard of dogs that sniff out peanut butter! Maybe Mrs. Jafee was yanking our chain.
“Where did you get peanut butter–sniffing dogs?” asked Emily.
“From Rent-A-Peanut-Butter–Sniffing-Dog,” said Mr. Klutz. “You can rent anything.”
“Ruff!” barked Skippy.
“Get those dogs out of here!” shouted Officer Spence. “You can’t have dogs in school!”
The dogs were sniffing all around Officer Spence.
“Ruff!” barked Jif.
“You dogs are under arrest,” Officer Spence yelled. “Put your paws up! You have the right to remain silent—”
But Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence because suddenly, Skippy pulled something out of Officer Spence’s pocket.
It was a sandwich!
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
“GASP!” everybody gasped.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“How did that get in my pocket?” asked Officer Spence. “Who put it there?”
“I’ll tell you who put it there,” Mr. Klutz said. “You put it there! Because you, Officer Spence, are the real peanut butter and jelly bandit!”
“GASP!” everybody gasped again.
“I didn’t see that coming!” Ryan said to me.
“You said it yourself,” Mr. Klutz told Officer Spence. “The criminal is always the one you least suspect!”
The teachers started rattling their cages and shouting. Now that everybody knew Officer Spence was the peanut butter and jelly bandit, we all started booing him.
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“Throw the book at him!” yelled Michael.
“Put him in the pen!” yelled Ryan.
“Give him the chair!” yelled Neil the nude kid.
But Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign. When a grown-up makes a peace sign at our school, it means we have to shut up. Nobody knows why.
“Why did you do it, Officer Spence?” Mr. Klutz asked. “Why did you turn to a life of crime?”
“I…I…”
Officer Spence didn’t have the chance to finish his sentence. Because you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came into the all-purpose room at that moment.
It was Dr. Brad, the school counselor!
12
The Truth About Officer Spence
Dr. Brad climbed up on the stage. He’s an old guy with frizzy hair and a cane. He talks funny.*
“I know vye he deed eet,” Dr. Brad said.
“Vye?” asked Mr. Klutz. “I mean, why? Why did he do it?”
Dr. Brad put his arm around Officer Spence’s shoulder. Officer Spence looked all sad.
“Ven you ver a leetle boy, you vatched thee brave policemen on thee television and in zee movies, yes?”
“Yes,” said Officer Spence.
“They ver heroes to you, yes?”
“Yes.”
“And you vanted to grow up and become like von of zem, fighting crime, yes?”
“Yes.”
“But zee boys und girls at our school are so nice, zer eez no crime to fight here, yes? So you decided to invent some crime, yes? And zen you vould be zee beeg hero, yes?”
“Yes,” said Officer Spence. He was whimpering now, like a kid who lost his dog or something.
“Tell me about your childhood,” Dr. Brad said. “It vasn’t happy, no?”
“No.”
“Somezing bad happened to you ven you ver a leetle boy, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Eet vas somezing with peanut butter, yes?”
“Yes!”
“Mommy vouldn’t geeve you peanut butter, vould she?”
“It’s true! It’s all true!” Officer Spence whimpered. He was totally crying now. “Mommy wouldn’t let me have peanut butter. All the other kids had peanut butter every day. But my mommy wouldn’t give it to me. Ever! Why? Why? Why?”
Wow, Dr. Brad should be in the gifted and talented program! He had Officer Spence sobbing and b
lubbering all over the stage. And we got to see it live and in person.
Mr. Klutz handed Officer Spence a tissue, and he blew his nose into it. Well, I mean, he just blew his nose. If you blew your nose into a tissue, your nose would fall off. You’d have a tissue with a nose in it. And a hole in your face. That would be weird.
“And how did you feel ven Mommy vouldn’t geeve you zee peanut butter?” Dr. Brad asked.
“Angry,” Officer Spence said. “Hurt. I had to eat jelly sandwiches with no peanut butter. I hate jelly sandwiches! All I wanted was a little peanut butter on my sandwich. Was that too much to ask? But Mommy wouldn’t give it to me! Boo hoo!”
“And zat eez vye you took zee sandwiches, yes?”
“Yes. I’m sorry,” Officer Spence said. “I didn’t mean to. I won’t do it anymore. And I’ll stop carving peanut butter sculptures in my basement, too.”
“You carve peanut butter sculptures in your basement?” asked Mr. Klutz.
Yuck. Disgusting! I thought I was gonna throw up.
Officer Spence wiped his eyes and blew his nose again. Sheesh, get a grip! That guy is a bigger crybaby than Emily.
“There, there,” Mr. Klutz said as he gave Officer Spence a hug. “Everything is going to be all right.”
“Zees man does not need to go to jail,” said Dr. Brad. “He needs help.”
“We’ll get him the help he needs,” said Mr. Klutz.
Dr. Brad and Mr. Klutz put their arms around Officer Spence, and together they walked away into the sunset.
Well, they didn’t really walk away into the sunset. In the movies, people always walk away into the sunset at the end. That would have been cool, except that it was three o’clock in the afternoon. And even though we call it the all-purpose room, watching the sunset isn’t one of the purposes. If you’re going to have a happy ending, you should always schedule it around sunset in a place where you can actually walk into it.
It didn’t matter, because that’s when the bell rang. It was time to go home! We all rushed out the door, screaming our heads off. My mom was waiting in the car for me, because I had to go to the dentist after school.
“How was school?” my mom asked as I got in the car.
“Fine.”
“Did anything exciting happen today, A.J.?”
I thought about how Officer Spence went crazy and arrested all the grown-ups. I thought about how he put them in cages. I thought about how Mr. Klutz and Mrs. Jafee broke out of jail and tunneled their way back to school with yogurt spoons. I thought about how Dr. Brad made Officer Spence start crying.
“Nah,” I told my mom. “Nothing exciting happened. It was a really boring day.”
Well, I wasn’t gonna tell her what happened! She would just think I made it all up.
“That’s nice,” Mom said as she pulled away from the curb. “Oh, by the way, I forgot to pack your peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning. Here, you can eat it now.”
Man, that was the best peanut butter and jelly sandwich I ever tasted!
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Officer Spence will stop arresting people and stealing their sandwiches. Maybe we’ll get a new security guard who doesn’t have peanut butter problems. Maybe Ms. LaGrange will start a company that sells poodlenasta. Maybe Andrea will get kicked off the Principal’s Advisory Committee. Maybe Mrs. Jafee will get her own book. Maybe a truck full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches will fall on Andrea’s head. Maybe Dr. Brad will stop talking funny. Maybe Mr. Klutz will finally get to eat his yogurt. Maybe Rent-A-Jail will give Officer Spence his money back. Maybe a museum will put his peanut butter sculptures on display. Maybe we’ll figure out why so much weird stuff is always happening at our school.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and the Illustrator
Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Cover art © 2006 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #5: OFFICER SPENCE MAKES NO SENSE!. Text copyright © 2009 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2009 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition March 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-190598-8
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* I mean she was at the next table with her hair. If you were at one table and your hair was at another table, it would be weird.
* That’s what you say when you meet somebody named Jean.
* Don’t do this at school as a joke. EVER.
* Ask your mom or dad or teacher to read Dr. Brad's part. It will be hilarious.
