Ella looked down at the water and cleared her throat.
Dane could tell that it was difficult for her to talk about it.
“When I fell for Louis, I fell hard. I wrapped myself up in him. He was my world. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was angry, I was miserable. At first, we were always happy. Then we were always miserable. I tried so hard to please him—to make him want me. He took it a step further by insisting that if I would just agree to everything he wanted, then we’d be fine. I learned to keep my mouth shut, to think of his needs before even considering my own. The harder I tried, the more he pulled away.” She paused and shook her head. “I lost myself in all of it. I no longer knew what I wanted, what I liked, what I even dreamed about. Everything was about Louis. Then, out of the blue, he told me he was done. He’d never loved me, and he was bored. That was it.”
“I’m sorry you went through that.” He reached out and placed his hand over hers on the railing. “I guess my need for control reminded you of him.”
“A little.”
“I’m not him, Ella. I don’t want you to be anyone but you.”
Ella seemed to be looking at him very carefully before she spoke. “But it’s not fair of me to try to turn you into me either. I guess I’ve convinced myself that as long as we’re having fun, as long as there are no rules, it might just last. You might not want to walk away.”
Dane shifted closer to her and squeezed her hand. “I don’t want to walk away. I can’t imagine ever wanting to. I left last night, because I thought I was not what you wanted. Maybe we need to give each other time to actually know ourselves and then one another.”
“Then you don’t want to try?” Ella looked into his eyes.
“Oh, I want to try.” He smiled and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I want to fight for this, Ella. I don’t care about distance or the little issues that might come up. I want us to be together in whatever way we can.”
“Really?” Ella smiled. “Are you sure about that?”
“I’ve never been more certain of anything. If I go home without knowing that I can call you, visit you, continue to get to know every aspect of you—that would make me miserable. I know that now.”
“I’m glad you feel that way. I thought maybe you’d given up.” Her eyes lit up as she smiled at him.
“Never.” He brushed his hand back through her hair and placed his hand at the back of her neck. “I was afraid, but I want to be brave for you. I want to be strong enough to admit that my feelings for you are strong—not because of chemistry or this beautiful setting—but because I’m falling in love with you, Ella. It may be too soon to say that, it may terrify me to admit it, but it’s the truth and I don’t want to hide it anymore.”
Chapter 36
Ella gazed into Dane’s eyes in silence. They were the words that she’d longed to hear, and yet they made her feel anxious. She could see the fear in his eyes as he waited for her response. She knew that it was no longer just her own feelings that she had to think of. Dane had been strong enough to tell her the truth; was she strong enough to do the same?
She took a deep breath. “I’m not sure I ever knew what love was. I thought what I had with Louis was love, but every moment I spend with you proves to me that it wasn’t. I think I’m learning what it is now—from you—and it scares me too. But I do want it—more than anything.”
“Then no more running, no more hiding.” He leaned a little closer to her. “Let’s leave the past in the past. Let’s let this moment be a new beginning for both of us.”
“I’d like that.” Ella bit into her bottom lip. She tried to resist kissing him. She didn’t want to draw him into anything that he wasn’t ready for. But her entire body yearned for an opportunity to kiss him again. “I’m not sure who I am, and I think you’re still figuring that out too. Maybe we can find a way to figure that out together.”
“I think we can.” Dane kissed her cheek. She felt his lips so close to hers that a shiver carried down along her spine. It took all of her will not to turn her mouth to meet his. He brushed his lips along her cheek to her ear and whispered. “Don’t be afraid, Ella. From this moment on, it’s just you and I, no echoes of what was.”
“Yes. That’s what I want.” She felt his fingers tense around the back of her neck.
“I’m not afraid any more, Ella. I know what I want. It’s to be with you, however that turns out.” He swept his other arm around her waist, and pulled her close. In the same moment, he leaned in and met her lips with his own.
She didn’t expect the kiss. It caught her off guard and sent her spiraling into a new place. A place where she didn’t anticipate what to do next, or whether he was pleased enough. All that mattered was the graze of his lips, the power of his touch, and the intensity of what engulfed them both. She was lost in the potential of what would be and the joy of that very moment.
He deepened the kiss, instead of pulling away. He held her tighter, as if he truly would never let her go. Ella knew then that even if moments of fear shook them, they’d find a way to get through it together.
She pulled away and looked into his eyes.
“What is it?” He smiled at her and cupped her cheeks. He stroked the rise of her cheekbones, and down along the curve of her jaw. He savored her in a way that no man ever had before. She could see her value reflected in the glow of his eyes. He didn’t need her to be anyone but her. He didn’t want her to be anyone but her.
She felt a sense of relief and comfort that had evaded her for years. This was a man who loved her. This was a man who would give up everything he was used to, just for a chance with her. For him, she could do the same. What would blossom from that she was sure would be the most beautiful experience of her life.
“Dane, I didn’t come here looking for you, but you are the paradise that I’ve found.”
He smiled and brushed her hair back from her eyes. The sea air stirred it out of place again. He tucked it back behind her ear and gazed at her.
“That we’ve both found, Ella. You’ve reminded me that life is to be cherished, not just survived. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize that. Thank you for being brave enough for the both of us.”
Ella grinned at him and before he could say another word, she kissed him. She didn’t hold back, didn’t resist, didn’t worry or attempt to control it. Her heart swelled with the reality of what had happened to her. She’d come on this vacation to find herself again and she’d ended up finding love again—the one thing that she’d thought she’d truly given up on.
Dane embraced her with the same sense of abandon—without tension, without hesitation, without predicting where anything would lead.
Their love could be like the water they sailed across. It could flow. It could rise and fall. It could be endless. It could be anything they both wanted it to be.
Dear Reader,
We hope that you’ve enjoyed “To Trust Again” and we’ve included a preview of book 3 from the Forty and Free series, “To Hope Again” in the following section.
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P.S. If you enjoy chick lit be sure to check out the first book of Lillianna’s debut series, “Single Wide Female: The Bucket List” - it’s available for free at Amazon, and there’s a preview included in this book.
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Happy reading!
Please enjoy the following preview for
To Hope Again (Forty and Free, Book 3)
Chapter 1
Jillian trailed her finger
tip through the cool water in the fountain she sat beside. The soothing sound of the cascading water reminded her just how lucky she was to have created her own peaceful space.
When she’d first purchased the house, it had been a risk. She’d been just out of a relationship and reliant only on her own income. It had been a little overwhelming to her at the time to think of owning her home rather than renting, but it didn’t take long before she’d begun to savor the idea of having something that was just hers.
She’d filled her home with things that had meaning to her—memories of the best experiences in her life. Every little detail had a purpose—to remind her that her life was good, that there was always a reason to smile.
Her house had become her favorite place to be. Even a vacation to a tropical paradise wasn’t more enticing to her than her own home. In fact, no matter where she went on vacation, it wasn’t until she returned home that she felt complete relief and comfort again.
As content as she was, though, she’d also begun to feel a bit bored.
Everything was just fine. Her career as a life coach was doing very well. Her soul was nourished by regular relaxation and meditation. She had a wide network of friends that she often engaged in friendly debate and deep conversations. Yet, she found herself feeling a little unsettled.
Nothing was wrong, but something wasn’t quite right.
She stood up from the stone bench beside the fountain and stretched out her arms. As her muscles began to unwind and relax, she released a long breath. Above her, several black birds flew across the puffy white clouds. The moment was perfect and she took the time to savor it.
The loud rumble that suddenly filled her ears could have been thunder, but it was followed by an unmistakable beep of a horn. Her entire body jumped at the sound. She must have been more relaxed than she’d thought.
Curious, she walked around the side of her house to see a large moving truck backed up into the driveway. Her house, and the house beside it, shared one long driveway that led from the road and then branched out into two individual driveways. It left the houses far removed from the road. She knew that the house next door had been up for sale before she’d left for vacation, but she hadn’t realized that it must have sold while she’d been gone.
A rush of excitement drove her forward as she wondered who might be moving in. Two men, wearing uniforms that matched the name of the company on the truck, were busy unloading boxes.
She scanned the contents that were being moved out of the truck. Was it a couple? Did they have kids? Pets?
“I can be a little nosy.” She smiled to herself. Why not? They were going to be neighbors, after all. The sooner they got to know one another, the better.
She saw a couch, a recliner, and a bed being carried off the truck. There was nothing to indicate that there were children in the home. Then she noticed a bicycle, followed by a kayak. She smiled at the sight of that. She had a kayak too. But she noticed that there was only one of each. Was it possible that someone single had moved in? She couldn’t be sure, but she thought it was likely.
She immediately hoped it would be a woman, maybe someone she could bond with over tea in the morning and good music in the evenings. She noticed what might have been a guitar case being carried off of the truck.
A commanding voice drew her attention toward the door of the house. “Be careful with that! I told you not to put it inside the truck! It was supposed to go up front. It better not be damaged!”
She followed the deep, rough voice to see the man it belonged to. The first thought that struck her was just how beautiful he was. That wasn’t unusual for her. She saw beauty in most people. But in his case, the mop of unruly brown waves on the top of his head, combined with the slight pout of his full lips, made her take a sharp breath.
He was clearly irritated, but she didn’t judge him for that. Moving was one of the most stressful things a person could do.
She was a bit disappointed that it appeared to be a man who’d moved in next door to her. She was sure that they’d still get along, even if at the moment, he seemed quite angry.
“Are you going to get the rest of the boxes?” He barked the question at two men in uniforms who were walking away from the truck.
“We’re taking a little break. We’ll get it done, don’t worry.” The taller of the movers flashed a smile at him and then walked over to his partner, who sat on the low stone wall that framed the driveway of the house.
“This is ridiculous. I’ll do it myself!” With long determined strides, the man stalked toward the truck.
Jillian was fascinated by the fluid motion of his body. She assumed he might be some kind of athlete, as he had the strength to haul the boxes off the truck without hesitation. She considered waving, but it didn’t feel like the right moment.
She watched as, one by one, he carried boxes off the truck and in through the front door. His muscles flexed under the taut red shirt he wore. He was someone who took care of himself, at least physically.
A moment later the movers started to help.
“Oh, you’re ready to pitch in? Great. Maybe you could try not to break anything?”
Jillian pursed her lips. She understood his frustration, but he seemed to be taking it a bit far. She despised anyone who bullied others, and she was really trying not to think the worst about her new handsome neighbor.
She watched as the man paused in front of the house and looked up at it. His posture displayed tension in every area of his body. His jaw locked and quivered.
As his emotions were on open display, she became aware of how deeply she may have invaded his privacy. He didn’t expect anyone to be watching him, yet she couldn’t seem to look away. Anger was something she tended to avoid, but in that moment—the way he wore it—she couldn’t bring herself to look away. It was like the collision of a mighty wind with a solid mountain—harsh, rough, and impenetrable. It was powerful, despite the potential darkness of its roots.
She considered the fact that she might have to spend some time in meditation about the fact that she was so drawn to his fury. It had been some time since she’d been drawn to any man.
She slipped away before he could spot her spying on him. The last thing Jillian wanted was to get off on the wrong foot with her new neighbor.
Chapter 2
Mateo Williams stared up at the house in front of him and tried to get control of his anger. His heart slammed against his chest. His mind was fogged with the desire to lash out at someone, anyone. He hated the way he felt, and yet that hatred only fed into the anger.
The house seemed to be staring back at him. It was everything he’d once dreamed about and now it seemed to be mocking him.
This was the house that they would have had their first anniversary in. They’d planned to have a family, to get a dog, to do everything that he thought they were supposed to do—to build a life together. But with one stroke of a pen, she’d changed all that.
He closed his eyes as he recalled the moment that Kate had told him she wanted a divorce.
They’d started out with couple’s counseling—a way to strengthen their relationship, she’d claimed. Only he’d started to notice a theme in their sessions. It was always his fault—he had a temper, he didn’t communicate, he wasn’t available.
Then it was over. She refused to even consider alternative options.
On his knees, he’d begged her in one of the most shameful moments of his life. His blood still boiled at the memory of her back as she’d turned away from him. He wished he could destroy everything that reminded him of her.
But he’d already bought the house, and it was too soon to resell. So she got their apartment, and he had to move. Now he faced a reminder of his mistake, and would continue to, every single day.
Not only was it excruciating, but the amount of repairs and renovation he’d have to do to be able to resell the house was going to take a lot of time. He was determined not to sink any more money into the property than he already h
ad. With only himself and time on his hands, he was going to do as much of the work himself as possible.
He turned back to the movers. With the looks they were giving him, he could tell that they weren’t pleased to be working with him. He didn’t really blame them. He was constantly on the edge of an angry outburst.
“Make sure you put the tools in the garage. Where’s the ladder?”
“I put it in the shed behind the house,” one of the movers replied.
“Why would you put it all the way back there? Get it and put in the garage.”
The man glowered at Mateo, but Mateo ignored him. He had to find a way to calm down. He took a deep breath of the fresh air.
When he’d first seen the house, he’d fallen in love with the location. The house could have been a shack, and he still would have bought it. He’d envisioned himself out on the lake in his kayak. He expected to go fishing and hiking, and maybe even do some rock climbing at some nearby parks.
What he hadn’t expected was that he’d be doing those things alone. Now all the things that he’d found beautiful and exciting about the house were just salt in his wounds.
He growled under his breath and turned away from the house. As he did, he caught sight of a woman near the property line of his front yard. Her blonde hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, her eyes were wide and inquisitive.
“Just what I need, a nosy neighbor.” He frowned and looked back at the house.
It would take him a long time, but once it was done, he’d sell the house and have the memory of it and his ex gone forever. If only he could get through the next few weeks without losing it, he was sure that he’d survive—at least he hoped that he would.
To Trust Again: A Sweet Romance (Forty and Free Book 2) Page 13
