by Mary Calmes
I stared at them.
They stared at me.
"So," one of the women said, crossing her arms as she looked at me. "Whatcha gonna make?"
She had one eyebrow arched, daring me to say something... anything. I liked her instantly.
"Vegetable frittata."
"A what?"
"It's like quiche."
She nodded, holding out her hand for me. "I'm Megan."
I took the offered hand in mine. "Jory."
Her face softened and her eyes warmed. "So what's in the frittata?"
I explained about the eggs and vegetables and cheese.
"Sounds yum. I don't usually eat when I'm here."
"Me neither," one of the other women said. "It's disgusting what the guys call food."
Apparently the evening had evolved over the years from Monday Night Football with the boys to couples' night at whoever's turn it was to host. Pizza, buffalo wings, and beer had morphed into a potluck. From the sound of it, however, the men were still bringing frat-boy fare.
"I'm gonna cook," I announced, smiling as I walked to the sink and put down the bags. "Who wants to help me chop broccoli?"
Everyone did.
An hour later I stepped in front of Detective Kage and he slowly lifted his head until his eyes were on my face.
"Here ya go," I said, offering him the plate in my hands.
He took it, still staring up at me.
"It's good, try it."
"What is this?"
"It's the vegetable frittata, flatbread topped with goat cheese and tomatoes, and green beans with hazelnuts."
He nodded.
"God, what is that?" the guy sitting beside Detective Kage asked as he reached for the plate I had just surrendered. "It smells awesome."
"Get your own," he told him, elbowing his friend to keep him away from his food.
I grinned down at Detective Kage. "We have fruit salad for dessert, with a raspberry glaze."
"Okay." He exhaled before starting on his food.
I turned to walk back in the kitchen, but Megan, my new friend, stopped me.
"I'm going to open the wine."
"Perfect."
"Jory honey, this is so good," Linda, who had helped me cook, called from the dining room table. I got a chorus of agreement from everyone else. I ate in the kitchen with Megan and two others, all of us talking about food. They all watched me chop the berries and add the walnuts and almonds to the salad I was serving for dessert.
"I had no idea fruit salad could be whatever," Bethany, another of my new friends, said as she watched me. "I always just do boring old bananas and apples and oranges. You've got none of those in there."
I shook my head. "I hate all those."
"God, Jory, you're gonna make some girl very lucky."
I arched a brow for her and she giggled.
"Okay, some guy very lucky."
"How do you know Sam?"
I explained to them all that I was in a little bit of trouble and he was helping me out. They accepted my words without hesitation because he was a police detective and obviously straight. They didn't question me even for a second.
Even though I had cooked, I helped Darla, the hostess, clean up her kitchen since it was a disaster area. Just the number of empty beer bottles was staggering. I was looking at the very sad-looking herb garden on the windowsill when I felt someone behind me.
"It was good."
I looked over my shoulder at Detective Kage. "Thanks."
"You eat like that every night?"
"No." I shook my head. "I don't have a big enough kitchen or a big enough food budget."
He nodded. "Well, tell me when you're ready and we'll go."
"Sure. I just gotta look at Darla's wedding album. I promised I would."
His eyes were locked on mine, which had my heart slamming against my chest. The man took my breath away and he had no idea he was doing it.
"So I'll tell ya when I'm ready."
"Fine," he said before moving away.
Flipping through photographs later, I had Darla draped over my shoulder, Linda leaning against my right, and Megan with her hand on my thigh, leaning into me from the left. Two others were lying across the table to offer their memories from their friend's big day.
"Sorry to break this up, girls," Detective Kage said from behind me, "but I gotta go."
"So go," Megan told him. "Leave Jory, one of us will take him home."
His hands were suddenly on my shoulders. "Nope, he's gotta go with me."
They were sadder for me to leave than him.
As I said my good nights, receiving kisses from the women and handshakes and shoulder pats from the men, I was surprised when Detective Kage grabbed my bicep and hauled me out of the apartment in front of him. As we started down the stairs to the front door of the building, other people were coming up. Instead of stepping in front of me, he stepped behind and let me lead the way. Outside on the street, I was distracted by the man's closeness and so completely missed the bike messenger until he was flying by my face. I had the arm locked across my chest to thank for not being hit.
"Thanks," I said, reaching up to close my hands on his forearm. "I totally missed that."
"'Cause you don't pay attention," he growled close to my ear, which sent a shiver down my spine. I was certain every inch of my skin was covered in goose bumps.
I nodded.
"It's gonna get you in trouble one of these days."
"Yes, Detective."
"You need to be really observant and vigilant right now."
"Sure."
"You hafta be careful."
"I know."
"Okay."
I was trying to catch my breath.
"Are you cold?"
"No," I managed to get out, my voice low and throaty.
"The messenger startled you," he said, his arm tightening, drawing me back a fraction more.
I closed my eyes and went for it, leaning back into him, seeing what he'd do. I had nothing to lose and I had to know what he'd allow.
"You're shaking."
I was barely breathing.
"Come on." He patted my chest gently. "Let's go."
Without his body heat I was freezing in the street. I watched him move around the SUV and get in. I was frozen to my spot, not wanting to go anywhere else with him, knowing that my attraction was mine alone. I was his witness, nothing more.
The window made the whirring noise and lowered as he leaned across the passenger seat. "Get in the car, stupid, before you freeze your ass off."
Nice.
I trudged over to the car and climbed into the seat.
"What the hell were you waiting for?"
"A written invitation, obviously," I said sarcastically.
"God you're an idiot," he grumbled before he pulled the car into the street.
He had no idea.
Chapter Five
The following night I decided to take my friend Tony up on his drinking and dancing offer. Nothing else was working. I still felt like I was in a dream, like I was outside my body, watching. It made sense that maybe if I went to bed with someone that I would have to actually be engaged, and if I were maybe I would be me again. It was a theory that I tried to explain to Tony. He had no idea what I was talking about but he was a good sport about listening. And that in and of itself was amazing, since his attention span was practically nonexistent. He even mostly maintained eye contact.
It became immediately evident that dancing was not a good idea. I didn't want to be groped or mauled or grabbed. I wasn't in the mood to be put up against the wall in the bathroom. Drinking, on the other hand, had real possibilities.
So while my friends danced like spawning fish, I sat at the bar and drank. I watched them gyrating and twisting, bumping and grinding, and whenever they called out to me, I waved and smiled. Every guy that sent me a drink, I sent back. Every time I was leaned into, I shoved whoever it was off me. I elbowed one guy in the ribs b
ecause he wouldn't take no for an answer. But after a few hours of drinking, the alcohol finally did the trick and unwound me. Feeling good, I slipped through the crowd to join my friends on the dance floor. I saw that more people I knew had joined them, and my friend Ben in particular was there. I could always count on him to be funny and upbeat.
As usual, as soon as Ben saw me he was across the floor really fast. His hands were all over me as he grabbed me and hugged me tight.
"Jory.... I missed you."
I smiled at him as he stepped back and looked at me.
"Let's get this off," he said, stripping me out of my T-shirt, pulling it up over my head.
I grabbed it back from him, tucking one end down into my pocket before I stepped in close and pressed my groin into his. I was just fooling around, but it was fun, and in minutes his hands were tight on my hips and his face was buried in my shoulder.
"You're such a cocktease, Jory," he groaned, licking a line up my throat as his hands squeezed my ass though my jeans.
"I know." I laughed, rubbing against him to the catcalls and whistles of our friends.
"Oh fuck this," he half-yelled, suddenly grabbing the back of my hair and yanking me off the dance floor, dragging me back to the bar. Once there, he whirled me around to face him. "Go home, Jory, before I make a big mistake and ruin our—"
I put a hand around the back of his neck, pulled him close, and kissed him. It wasn't my best, there was really not a lot of effort put into it, but it accomplished my goal. His mouth opened and he shoved his tongue down my throat. One of his hands was on my neck, the other on the button fly of my jeans. His fingers were working fast to get it open enough to shove his hand down inside.
"Come home with me."
"Let's just go in the back."
He jerked away from me, his eyes on mine. "What are you talking about?"
I smiled slowly. "You've never fucked in the back room?"
"Yeah I've fucked in the back room," he snapped at me.
"But I don't wanna do that with you. I wanna take you home with me."
I shook my head, put a hand on his belt buckle. "Come on, you know you want it."
He shoved me back away from him. "I do want it, that's the problem. I want you, Jory, I always have, all of you."
I stared at him, understanding finally sinking into my alcohol-soaked brain. "So you want what?"
"I want you to come home with me."
"And do what?"
He looked confused. "You're not just some trick, Jory, or a one-night stand... that's not what I want from you. You know that."
I did, since when?
"Come home with me." He smiled, his eyes soft.
Funny that it was what I told myself I wanted. I had stopped seeing Kevin because he didn't want to be with me, but here was my friend Ben suddenly confessing that he wanted me, and Doctor Nick, who called continuously, also wanted me. People were ready to make commitments to me, and I was hesitating.
"Christ, I'm messed up."
"What?"
"Nothing." I shook my head. "I gotta go, man. I'll call ya, all right?"
"No, just wait." He forced a smile. "I'll go in the back with you. Who can say no to those eyes? Just... lemme get you another drink first."
But I was already turning to walk away. He couldn't take back what he'd said anymore than I could pretend that he hadn't said it. I had offered sex and he wanted commitment and that was all there was to it.
"Jory," he said, catching up to me, hand on my shoulder.
"Please stay... please."
I leaned in and kissed his cheek before patting it gently. I left him on the side of the dance floor.
Outside on the street, I was pulling on my T-shirt when it was suddenly yanked down over my head, fast and rough. I looked up and found Detective Kage.
"Oh... hi."
"Hi," he said snidely like it was the lamest greeting ever. "I can't wait to hear this."
I pointed into the club. "I was in there dancing and I came out because—"
"What part of laying low don't you get?"
"I just wanted to have fun."
"And are you?"
There was no snappy comeback for that.
"Did you take something?"
"No, why?"
"Your eyes are all glassy."
"I just drank a lot."
"A lot? Like how much can you drink before you're wasted?"
"You'd be surprised."
He looked me up and down. "What do you weigh, like a hundred pounds dripping wet?"
"More like one forty."
"I'll believe one twenty."
I shrugged. "I'm heavier than that, I'm all muscle."
He laughed and the sound sent hot blood straight to my groin.
"I am."
He rubbed the bridge of his nose before giving me all his attention again. "C'mon, I'll drive you home before you freeze to death out here."
"That's okay." I shook my head. "I'm kinda hungry. I'm gonna eat and then I'll go home."
"You should let me take you home."
I shook my head, shoving my hands down in my pockets, walking around him to head toward the diner on the next corner.
"Jory."
I stopped walking but didn't turn.
"Don't be a dumb-ass. I'll take you to eat."
Which made me smile in spite of myself. "Where's the car?"
His hand closed on the back of my neck and I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on the pressure of his fingers and the feel of his warm skin on my own chilled flesh.
"You're gonna freeze out here."
The trembling had nothing to do with anything but him.
"Get in the car."
He usually just barked at me and walked around the car, not waiting while I got in. So I was surprised when he reached around me and opened the door, holding it ajar from the top as I climbed up into the passenger seat. I leaned across the driver's seat to unlock his door. When he slid in behind the wheel, he immediately turned the car on and got the heater blowing full blast.
"So what do you wanna eat?"
"Italian?"
He smiled at me. "Okay, I know a place. You're gonna like it."
Just the fact that he cared that I would or not was good enough for me.
"You got your phone on you?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I want you to have my number and my partner's, just in case you need to call us."
I would have liked it better if he'd wanted me to have just his number, but I pressed buttons as he gave them to me and didn't say another word.
As I sat through dinner I wondered about my reaction to Detective Kage. As a rule straight men did not appeal to me at all. I wasn't one of those gay men that thought that any straight man given the right circumstances, like enough alcohol, could be persuaded to try a walk on the wild side. I truly believed that you were born either heterosexual or homosexual and there was no fighting it whichever way you were. Sometimes realization came later in life, but everyone knew the truth in his or her heart. So it was weird that every second I spent with Detective Kage made me want to strip off all his clothes that much more. But no good could come out of my infatuation, so it was best to cut it off before I made a fool of myself.
"Did you hear what I said?"
"Sorry." I forced a smile. "No."
"I asked if you liked the lasagna."
"Yeah." I sighed, taking a deep gulp of my water. "It's great."
"What's the matter with you? You're usually a lot noisier."
I wasn't fun or interesting, just noisy. This was getting better and better.
"Why aren't you talking?"
I shrugged.
"If you're worried about the case, I can—"
"No," I said, cutting him off, getting up. "I just gotta go to the bathroom."
"So go, no one's stopping you."
"Where is it?"
He pointed over his shoulder.
I decided on my way back to the tab
le that I would thank him for dinner and get out of there. He didn't need to drive me home; I could get there myself. And it looked like it would be even easier to slip away when I noticed the other four men crowded into the booth. I didn't want to walk over there, so instead I went right out the front door. I called him from the street.
"Where are you?"
"I left."
"You left?"
"I saw your friends, I didn't wanna put a cramp in your night, so I bailed."
"Wait, you—"
"Thanks for dinner. It'll be my treat next time."
"Whatever," he said and hung up.
And there was no reason for me to be hurt or frustrated, since we had a professional relationship and nothing more.
But I couldn't help it. I thought seeing him was more than a coincidence, like he was purposely showing up where I was. It would be romantic that way. But romance and Detective Kage had never been introduced. I was living in my fantasy world alone.
My phone rang and it was my friend Wade, calling to get me to join him and some others at a club downtown. It was still relatively early, not even midnight, so I told him I'd be there and caught a cab. It made little sense to leave a gay club to go to a straight one since I was, after all, gay, but I didn't really care and it didn't really matter. I needed to put some space between Ben and me, and Detective Kage and me, and being across town from both of them sounded like just the greatest idea ever.
I didn't feel like dancing, I really was not good company, but I sat with my friends Eddie and Parker and the three of us watched Wade and Gretchen dance while we drank. And drank. My only interest was in getting as much alcohol into my system as was humanly possible, and my friends were in complete agreement with me.
An hour later I was past the point where I could walk and talk and do anything but lean my head in my hand and people-watch. I squinted really hard when I saw Detective Kage weaving through the crowd behind a line of people. I closed one eye, opened it, and then tried the other, just to make sure I wasn't seeing things. What the hell was he doing at a club?
He saw me, turned to lean in close to the women beside him before crossing the room to my table. It looked like he yelled when he stopped to stand over me but I couldn't hear a word over the pounding remix of a song I knew but couldn't name. I waved up at him and the scowl was instant. That he could maintain his level of intensity was amazing, the energy it took more than I could fathom. I put my head down on my folded arms.
