by Lisa Heaton
“What’s got you out here so early,” Justine said. “You here to water?”
“I can.”
“You keep Josh straight and paychecks coming. I’ve got this.”
Sophie watched her without speaking for a while, then said, “Can we go to lunch today?”
“I would love that since I brought two-day-old tuna.”
“I’ll gladly save you from the tuna.”
She turned to go but then stopped. “I’m struggling.”
“I see that. But not with Josh?”
“No, not at all with Josh.” Sophie looked away. “It’s spiritual.”
Before she knew it, she was telling Justine about her journals and how she had burned them the day Kevin filed for divorce.
“That’s a journey I’ll never get back,” Sophie said.
“Maybe that’s not a journey you need back. It’s what you needed then.”
“But if I could go back and read all the remarkable things God taught me then, I think I would find who I once was.”
Justine arched her eyebrows. “When God’s people were roaming around in the desert – a place I think you may know well right now – the dew fell and the manna with it. What you burned was yesterday’s manna. God will give you what you need for each new morning. Begin again. Ask for fresh dew and fresh manna for this growing season. His mercies are new every morning.”
Sophie stood staring with her mouth open.
Justine stepped in. “Stop trying to do so much, Martha. Just sit next to Jesus.”
A smile crossed Sophie’s lips. “I was just thinking about that this morning, about sitting with Jesus like I used to.”
“He knows what you need.”
Sophie nodded. “Now I do too.”
“Are we still on for lunch?”
“I would never leave you to eat two-day-old tuna.”
“Good,” Justine said. “I think it’s time we get to know the deep-down each other.”
Sophie couldn’t agree more. Peace settled in her heart, and as she looked at Justine, she realized the mirror seemed less foggy. The Sophie who ran after Jesus wasn’t as far away as she had feared.
At lunch with Justine, Sophie waited while she prayed, her heart flickering like a candle had been relit within it. When Justine said amen, she gave Sophie’s hand a little squeeze.
“I saw you yesterday at church but didn’t get to you in time to say hi.”
“I really enjoyed it. I needed to hear a fresh voice.”
“We all do at times.”
“I’ve been at the same church for twenty years – a great church. I’m the problem, I guess.”
“Why are you a problem?”
“I’ve checked out. I used to be so caught up in serving, but now I’m pretty much a pew sitter.”
“You’ve had a hard year. It’s okay to rest your legs a while when you’re hurting. Just don’t stay on the pew too long.”
“It’s more than stepping away from ministry. I’ve disconnected from the people who once meant so much to me. It’s awkward now, has been since the divorce. They don’t know what to say. I hate the sympathetic looks.”
“Well that’s a different story. It’s not okay to wander off from the people. You need the many. You need the few. Alone, you’re a sitting duck just waiting for the enemy to come and gobble you up.”
“I know.” Sophie shrugged. “I have teeth marks to prove your point.”
“Keep coming with Josh, then. That’ll give you the many. You have him as one of your few.” Justine paused and shook her head. “He’s a fine man, that Josh. Knows his Bible. Knows his Jesus.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever known a finer man.”
“You can have me in your few if you’ve got room for me. I’m a bit of a know it all, but I mean well.”
“I sure need someone who knows something.”
“It’s a deal then. We have just formed an inner circle.” Justine drank down the last of her sweet tea.
“I’m honored to be in your circle,” Sophie said.
Sophie’s new normal looked much the same day in and day out. Each morning she would spend time in her spiritual garden with God and then head to work. Schedules grew even more hectic as May and June passed with added business, but work was still a dream for her. At least once a week she would meet with Justine for lunch and answer countless questions her friend would throw her way about her walk with Jesus. It was what she needed to rejuvenate her stunted growth.
Other days she spent mornings in the office and afternoons out on estimates and job sites with Josh. Their relationship was growing in such a way that it should frighten her, but it didn’t. Age almost never crossed her mind anymore. How could it? Josh’s maturity in matters of faith was astounding to her. It wasn’t just his Biblical knowledge; it was more the simplicity of his faith and the uncomplicated way in which he experienced life.
Josh poked his head through her office door. “Are you ready?”
“Ready if you are.”
Josh had picked her up for work that morning since they had an early appointment near her.
“What sounds good for dinner?” he said. “Want to stop on the way to your place and eat or pick something up at the store?”
When they decided to cook at home, Sophie began to list entrée options, all with a variety of sides.
“Does any of that sound good to you?” he said.
She thought a few seconds. “No, not really.”
“Then why mention them?”
“I don’t know. I’m just trying to give you options.”
“Let’s throw a few burgers on the grill.”
“I can make some homemade mac and cheese or –”
“Let’s just grab a bag of frozen fries – keep it simple.”
“What? You can’t eat frozen fries. I’ll make something.”
“May I ask you a question?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Maybe.”
“Do you like going all out, or do you do it for me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should ask yourself that. I’m way easier than that. I just want to fill the hole with food I like. I don’t care about presentation.”
She sat with his question until they reached the market. Kevin had expected an entrée and at least two sides, along with bread and dessert. Meals had been a source of contention between them while living those first months with her parents. Her mother was more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of cook. When they had moved into their own place, dinner was one of the biggest stressors of all.
Once when Chloe was in second grade, she had sloppy joes at a friend’s house and asked Sophie to make them at home. Even though she suspected what his reaction would be, Sophie made them one night. That was low-end food, in Kevin’s opinion, and he refused to eat it.
“Do you like sloppy joes?” Sophie said.
“Love ‘em.”
“I don’t mean the canned kind. I have a recipe that’s easy and better than canned.”
“Let’s do it.” He pulled into a spot and parked. “And tater tots. Have you ever had sloppy joes on top of tater tots?”
“No, never.”
He grinned at her and opened his truck door. “Well, you’re in for a treat.”
Sophie grabbed his arm. “The answer is no; I don’t like fancy sides and a lot of trouble.”
“Then stop. If it’s not for you, please don’t do it for me.” He hesitated. “I’m not him. I’m easy peasy.”
“I’m not even sure what I am,” she said.
He closed his door and turned to her. “Used to, back when I knew you before, you had a look that you would get when Kevin would come out and talk to you. Even when he would say belittling things, you had an air of defiance, as if you knew better than to believe the things he would say. You don’t have that look much now.
“I think maybe you got so used to trying to please him that you stopped asking yourself what you want and who you are.
I’m not that guy, Sophie. I want nothing more than to give you room to grow in this relationship. Find out who you are apart from him – apart from me even – and find out what you like. Nothing will make me any happier than that.”
From that day on Sophie took that lesson to heart and tried to get to know herself apart from being Kevin’s wife and maid, apart from being Chloe’s mom and apart from being the one who always got the broken cookie.
One day while baking cookies to take to Justine as a thank you, several of the cookies fell apart when she removed them to cool. Out of habit she set the cookies aside, planning to eat them later. It served as a reminder of how she had always done that rather than give Kevin or Chloe the broken cookie. It had become her usual way of operating: put everyone first no matter what she wanted.
Like in years past when walking so closely with Him, it was a small, daily-life kind of moment that God used to speak to her. He was showing her that she needed to watch out for those moments, times when she wouldn’t voice her opinion or ask for what she wanted just in case someone else wanted something different. It was okay to eat a whole cookie. It was okay to speak her mind when the moment called for it.
This revelation gave her room to grow. Now that she looked back, she realized she had always liked the way her mom had made dinner an adventure. At least two days a week, her mom would rummage through the cabinets on what she would call a treasure hunt for foods that had gotten pushed to the back of the shelf. She would make a Mexi-talian dinner with a combo of flavors. It was flying-by-the-seat-of-her-pants at its finest. Her mom still did that to this day.
Josh came to mind the moment her mother crossed it. She hadn’t told her parents about Josh yet, and he hadn’t told his parents at her request. That was more than a big step, especially his telling Kim, a woman Sophie had once held hands with and prayed for her teenage son.
Just a few days before, Josh had brought up the subject again, but she had begged him to wait. He agreed but wasn’t at all pleased.
Sophie reached for her phone and dialed her mom. It went to voicemail, so she hung up without leaving a message.
Her phone rang back right away. “Hey, Mom.”
“Sorry I missed you. I was just on the phone with Rita.”
Her mom went into the long tale of her friend’s hip replacement. Sophie was in no hurry to talk, so she just listened. Since her parents had moved to Chattanooga, this was the best they could do most of the time, catching up on the phone.
Finally, when her mom finished, she said, “So, I need to tell you something.”
“What? Should I sit down?”
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“Are you sick? You’re sick, aren’t you?”
“Good grief, Mom. It’s not that bad.”
“What, then?”
“I’m dating someone.”
“That’s great news! Why would I need to sit for that?”
“He’s younger.”
Silence.
“Mom?”
“How much younger?”
“Almost ten years.”
More silence.
“Mom?”
“Is it serious?”
“Yeah, it’s getting pretty serious.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he a jerk?”
“The absolute opposite of a jerk.”
“Then good for you. I want to meet him.”
At work the next morning, Sophie went into Josh’s office and plopped down onto a chair.
“Good morning,” he said with a smile.
“I have news.”
“What kind of news?” He stood, walked around his desk, and sat on the edge of it.
“I told my mom about you last night.”
“And? How did it go?”
“Good, I think.”
“So I can tell mine now?”
Her stomach sank at the thought. “You know it won’t be the same. After Kevin, my mom’s only qualification was that you’re not a jerk.”
Josh chuckled at that.
“It’s not the same with your mom. She’s had hopes and dreams for you since you were born. As a mom, I know that.”
“My mom wants me to be happy. You make me happy.”
“I think you better prepare yourself for the worst.”
“I disagree.” He moved to sit in the chair next to her. “I can do it now, right?”
She only nodded, a knot already forming in her stomach.
Josh was later arriving at her house than usual. Sophie noticed right away that he seemed different, maybe not distracted exactly, but he sure seemed to have something on his mind. With no real explanation, other than he got tied up and lost track of time, he sank into the sofa.
“Are you hungry?” she said.
“Not yet.”
She was standing next to the sofa when he took her hand and tugged at her to come closer.
“It’s done,” he said.
She sat and stared. “And?”
“We were both right.”
“Meaning?”
“My mom freaked at first.”
“Did she cry? I would have cried if I was in her place.”
“She cried.”
“Oh no.”
“It’s okay, though. We talked it through.” Josh laced his fingers through hers. “She said she suspected how I felt about you back then.”
Sophie remained quiet, her heart aching for any mom who suffered disappointment over her child’s future. What mother would want a woman that much older for her son, one who very well may never give him a child? Kim was dealing with the fact that she may never have a grandchild.
“Sophie?”
She turned to him.
“Are you upset?”
“Yeah, for your mom I am.”
“Why for her?”
“This will cost her.”
“Cost her what?”
“Maybe a lot.”
Sophie tried to stand, but Josh pulled her back down.
“I’m not sure what that means, but I have to ask you. Does it even matter what I want? Do my feelings count in this equation? Sure, my mom has probably sketched out plans in her head, a life she hopes I’ll live, but at the end of the day, she wants me to love and be loved. That’s what I have with you – love.”
On many occasions he had told her he loved her. So far, she hadn’t said the same. She felt it but still found herself holding back. The l-word made things too real. No matter how great things had been going between them, there was still an element of fantasy about it, like their first date when all felt enchanted. This was real life, though, and his future happiness was at stake.
“What if I can’t have kids?”
“We’ve covered that.” He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it.
“It was hypothetical then. It’s real now. This is a big deal.”
“If we want kids we will have kids. We’ll find a way.”
“I don’t want to steal your future, Josh.”
He took her face in his hands. “Why can’t you see it? You are my future. You’re my past and present.” He rested his forehead on hers. “More than anything, I want you to be my future.
“Now,” he said, “I’m asking you again. Does it matter what I want?”
She had been praying about that exact thing, how she had lived the past two decades never reaching for what she wanted.
Sophie nodded. “Yes, what you want matters.”
“Then I want you. That’s all.” He kissed her lips and looked back at her. “Give me you.”
“I’m already yours.”
Chapter Twelve
They were official. Everyone who mattered knew about them as a couple, and contrary to Sophie’s earliest fears, the world hadn’t stopped turning. If anything, it only turned faster.
Chloe gave up her apartment for the summer and came home. With little to keep her occupied, she spent most evenings with them. Before long their rou
tine became so comfortable that Sophie lost track of their ages. They just lived out life as a couple.
June was soon over, and July came with Sophie unprepared for Chloe’s twentieth birthday at the end of the month. She always had a mega-party at her house with Chloe’s favorite foods and cake and friends. This year, Kevin had thrown her an unexpected curve by renting a party room at Chloe’s favorite restaurant.
In part, Sophie was relieved about the change in plans. Other than the fact of breaking tradition, the restaurant would be a better setting by far. At least she wouldn’t have to entertain Kevin and Jamie in the home she had once shared with Kevin. Too, when Kevin saw her with Josh for the first time, she would rather it be on neutral ground, out in public.
Chloe hadn’t told her dad about Josh on purpose, she said. She wanted to see the look on his face when her mom showed up with a guy nearly as young as Jamie. Sophie wasn’t as amused as Chloe. Kevin could be flat-out rude when he wanted to be, so the occasion was more cause for concern than anything. It couldn’t go any way but wrong.
After that thought came, she had to remind herself how well all the others had taken the news. Why would Kevin be any different? The last thing he wanted was anything to do with her. The past ten months with no contact had proven that.
Sophie fidgeted with her short skirt on the way to the restaurant, wishing she had worn jeans. Chloe loved the outfit since she had picked it out. Sophie wasn’t so sure. At least her capri leggings covered the sagging skin on her knees, a recent development, one reminding her she was the mother of a twenty-year-old.
“Why are you so anxious?” Chloe said.
She was riding to the restaurant with Chloe and would be meeting Josh there. In truth, she was less nervous about Kevin seeing Josh than she was Josh seeing Kevin. It wouldn’t take much of Kevin’s backhanded comments to set Josh off. He had warned her that if Kevin talked to her as he used to, something would go down.
Her only comment was that nothing had better go down. At the time she had hoped he was kidding with his threats, but now she wasn’t so sure.
