Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  “And Daddy?”

  Sophie sat staring at the wall.

  “Will we have dinner with Daddy?”

  “No, Chloe. I’m not doing that. I’m with Josh now, and –”

  The line went dead. Sophie looked at her screen, unable to believe Chloe had just hung up on her.

  Chloe: I’m not coming. Enjoy T’giving with him!

  No matter how many times Sophie called and texted, Chloe would never respond.

  The last thread holding Sophie together came unraveled, and she began to cry.

  The word balance kept ringing in her head. Somehow, she had believed she would find balance between her daughter and the man she loved. Now, that didn’t seem likely, at least not anytime soon.

  Her phone rang, and Sophie groaned when she saw it was Kevin.

  “Does she mean this?” Kevin said. “I just got a text that Chloe isn’t coming this weekend or for Thanksgiving.”

  Sophie broke down and cried so hard that she couldn’t catch her breath.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were having such a hard time.” He waited, and when she said nothing for a long time, he said, “Let me come over. I’ll sit with you while you cry.”

  “No, don’t do that. I just need some time to process.”

  His voice was soft. “I’m sure you know what this means.”

  “Yeah,” she said. “I know what this means.”

  “He’s young. He’ll be okay.”

  “I’m not sure I will.”

  Sophie hung up and went to wash her face. Everything inside of her ached at the thought of taking a step back from Josh. But until she got things right with her daughter, she couldn’t keep on with the way things were. Chloe had to come first.

  Avery came to mind and how her mom should have put her daughter first before some out-of-town boyfriend. That’s not who Sophie was.

  Sophie had just climbed into bed and switched out the light when lights came on outside and shone through her patio door, illuminating her bedroom. When she peeked out the window, she saw that her backyard was lit up with hundreds of lights. Josh was out there in the middle of the yard wearing a suit and holding a bouquet of drooping sunflowers.

  When he found her peeking out, he extended his arms wide and yelled, “Happy birthday, Sophie Banks!”

  A glance at the clock read 12:01. He had waited to surprise her. Tears began to flow again as she cracked the door.

  “I’m in my jammies.”

  “I love jammies,” he said, his voice playful.

  Sophie stepped out onto the patio. There, scattered all over the lawn and patio was a blanket of red rose petals.

  Josh hit play on his phone, and soft music sounded. He swaggered toward her with a smile on his face.

  “Yes, I’ve been up to something all day.” He grabbed the lapels of his suit. “I got a new suit, and lit up your garden.” He smiled. “I was afraid you would look out the window tonight and see what I had done today.”

  He wrapped her up in his arms. “And yes, I’ve been a nervous wreck today.” With a smile still plastered on his face, he let go of her and dropped to one knee.

  Sophie’s hand flew over her mouth, and she began shaking her head.

  “I wanted to make this a birthday to remember. It’s your last one in your thirties, so let’s make this year count.”

  She tried to back away, but he took hold of her left hand.

  “You are the best part of me. You have been for as long as I can remember. There’s nothing I want more than to marry you and live out life with you.”

  “Josh, stop. Don’t do this.”

  With eyes wide and a tender expression, he stood and took her by the shoulders. “Babe, I love you. I want to step into our future now. Say you’ll marry me.”

  Sophie started to cry and shake her head.

  It was then that the realization seemed to wash over him as he turned pale, dropped the flowers, and moved to sit on the garden bench. He sat bent over with his head bowed and his face in his hands.

  Out of fear that he would reach out and touch her, Sophie didn’t draw near. She couldn’t risk it. Her heart ached in such a way that it took her breath, but this was what she had to do.

  “I’m sorry,” she said.

  He looked up but not at her, the wounded expression on his face made her glance away.

  “I don’t know what to say. I’ve read this all wrong. I thought you loved me.”

  “I do love you, Josh.”

  On shaky legs, Sophie moved over to sit at the patio table.

  When he dared to look at her this time, he swallowed hard, and his voice broke as he said, “I thought this was real for you, that we were heading toward a future together.”

  “It has been real for me. It’s just gotten too complicated with my family.”

  Josh stood and came to kneel before her. For several seconds he just looked at her. When he did speak, his eyes were filled with hope. “She’ll come around. We can fix this. I’ll talk to her.”

  Sophie reached for his face. “This isn’t something we can fix, not anytime soon. She won’t come home for my birthday. She took a shift at work instead.”

  “Because of me?”

  She nodded with tears streaming down her face. “And she’s not coming home for Thanksgiving either. I can’t lose her, Josh.”

  With a soft touch, he wiped her cheeks. “Please,” he paused and moved in closer. “Please don’t say this is over. We’ll figure something out. I got caught up in all this and moved too fast. We can slow things down.”

  “I think it’s best if we take a step back.” When spoken aloud, Sophie could hardly believe she was saying the words. It was the last thing she wanted.

  He bent over and rested his head in her lap, so she reached out and stroked his hair.

  After a minute more he stood, took a second to steady himself, and let out a long breath. “I should go.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  He stopped near the gate and unplugged the lights. All went black, and not a star lit up the sky.

  Back in her room, Sophie sat in the middle of her bed and rocked back and forth and sobbed. It wasn’t her own heart but Josh’s that she cried most for. He was devastated. That was it. She had lost him.

  At one a.m. her phone sounded.

  Josh: Can we talk

  Sophie didn’t reply and turned off her ringer.

  ***

  Josh sat there on his front porch, still in his suit, feeling lost. The last thing he wanted to do was walk through that front door, into an office where Sophie’s presence was so evident in every room.

  He had called and texted dozens of times, but she wasn’t responding. Twice he had gotten into his truck to go to her, but both times he changed his mind and went back to sit and pray.

  This was his fault. Fear had done this to them. His proposal had tipped her hand and forced her to break off the relationship. It was too soon, an act done out of desperation rather than done because the time was right. He had known it while shopping for the ring. He had known it while trying on the suit. Even that day while stringing lights, he had known better. Still, he went through with his crazy idea.

  All along he had known his deep-down motivation. If he could convince Sophie to marry him, she would have to choose him. He knew her well enough to be sure of that. Since the night after the awkward dinner with her and Chloe, this had been his plan. Now it had all blown up in his face and had taken Sophie from him. He couldn’t blame anyone or anything but his own fear.

  He eventually went around the house and to the back door. That way he could make it to the stairs without passing Sophie’s office. When he reached the bottom step, though, he stopped and turned around. Once inside her office, he sat at her desk and looked around at all the things that made her office personal to her. She had photos and plants and artwork, reflections of her that made the space warm and inviting.

  Josh reached for a photo of Sophie and Chloe and lifted it from h
er desk. Sophie had told him that day at the coffee shop how much Chloe looked like her. It was true. Besides their hair and eye color being the same, even Chloe’s smile mirrored Sophie’s.

  Because Josh knew Sophie so well, he could see her smile in the photo was forced. It was taken the previous summer while with her parents at the beach. The pain in Sophie’s eyes was evident to a man who knew what her real smile looked like.

  Her feelings for him were real. He didn’t doubt that for even a moment. All the way home Josh had been convinced that things were over between him and Sophie and that Chloe would get her way. Just looking at the photo of her changed his mind, though. She wasn’t the same woman now as she was then. He made her happy, made her smile again. After all it had taken to be with her, he knew this couldn’t be the end. He had to believe, deep down inside, that Sophie would come to her senses.

  Josh shook his head. He had been viewing this all wrong. She had made the best decision she could given the circumstances. Part of what he loved about Sophie was her capacity to love and her selflessness. What kind of mother would make any other choice?

  What troubled Josh most was that the waiting would begin again. There was no way of knowing how long it would take for Chloe to accept him as part of Sophie’s life. It didn’t matter how long that took, though, he was determined to wait.

  When he glanced back at the photo, for the first time Josh inspected Chloe’s smile as she stood with her mother. She was no happier than Sophie. Both were wounded. His first real sense of understanding dawned and made him regret the fact that he hadn’t been praying more for Chloe. She was young and acting out of her pain. He had been guilty of the same thing at her age, so how could he condemn her?

  Contention with Chloe wouldn’t solve this dilemma, only understanding would. He understood Chloe and her actions more than he cared to admit. Much of the anger he had felt toward her was now lifted. If only he could reach her and express how much he loved her mom, that might make a difference.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The house was silent. The only sound Sophie could hear was the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway and the beating of her own heart. Off and on during the morning hours, she had focused on one then the other, hoping any rhythmic sound would lull her to sleep. It never did.

  Now, at half past six, she still lay there looking up at the ceiling. Usually, she would go out to the garden to read her Bible, but there was no way she would step foot outside that door, maybe ever. No one thing or place would ever remind her more of Josh and all she had lost.

  That’s what it was, a deep and debilitating loss that would leave her feeling incomplete for the rest of her life. Grief like she had never known engulfed her as she bore the weight of not only her own pain but Josh’s as well.

  The day that she had said yes to him, that she would go out with him, she had made the most selfish decision of her life. She had known better, yet because of the thrill she felt at his pursuit of her, she had wounded him in a way that no young man deserved.

  Once, just after seven, she looked at her phone and saw that Josh had been up texting and calling her all night. That started her crying again.

  The smell of coffee beckoned her since she had set the timer the night before, but she didn’t even have the energy to go and pour a cup. Instead, she rolled over, ducked her head under her pillow, and fell into an exhausted sleep.

  A few times she woke, but most of the morning she spent in bed. If she wasn’t sleeping, she was crying.

  Chloe texted to say happy birthday. Sophie’s response had been a brief thanks.

  Karen called and left a message, so Sophie called her back. Kevin called and texted for her birthday, but she ignored him. The only other call she took was her parents’, and that was a quick conversation once she told her mom that she wasn’t feeling well. For the moment she wasn’t ready to explain what had happened.

  A knock at the door got her moving in anticipation that it would be Josh. It was Kevin with flowers, but Sophie wouldn’t let him through the doorway or accept the flowers.

  “I’m sorry,” Kevin said as he set the vase on the porch. “You’ve been crying. I didn’t know you were going to act on this so soon.”

  “He forced my hand.”

  “Meaning?”

  “He proposed last night.”

  With eyes wide, Kevin said, “He what?”

  “Yeah.” Tears welled up in her eyes.

  “I didn’t know you were that serious. Chloe said it was just a passing thing.”

  Sophie shrugged and leaned against the doorframe. “Look, I appreciate the flowers, but I just need to be alone.” Without waiting for him to reply, she closed the door.

  To keep from looking out at her garden, she kept her eyes trained on the floor while she went and closed every blind with a backyard view.

  ***

  The trip to Knoxville felt longer than he remembered. Those years he had gone to school there kept him on the road back and forth to Nashville every few weeks. Though never homesick, Josh made it a point to visit often for his mom’s sake. During that time, his dad had been at his worst, especially after Josh had quit the team and changed his major.

  He rode in silence, no radio to distract him. More time was spent in prayer than anything. How he approached Chloe and discussed what had happened between them could make all the difference to his future with Sophie. Chloe’s feelings mattered to Sophie, so they mattered to him.

  That scripture of peace the Lord had given him recently was constantly on his mind. Peace was an elusive concept, though, with all that had happened the night before. The fact that he had allowed fear to prompt him to make such a colossal mistake only reinforced how much he needed to find peace, the kind only the Lord could give.

  No matter Chloe’s reaction to his visit, Josh couldn’t allow his temper to get in the way. He kept reminding himself of how she looked in that photo with Sophie. With her family in such a broken place, how could she be anything other than broken?

  Josh turned onto Cumberland Avenue and then into the parking lot of the pizza place where Chloe worked. Since he didn’t know what time she started her shift, he decided to wait there rather than going to campus. If he showed up at her dorm, that might seem a little creepy to her. Her work was at least neutral ground.

  The wait wasn’t too long, just over an hour. She wasn’t in her car, but Josh saw Chloe in the passenger seat with the guy who must be Austin. He waited until they parked before getting out.

  Already, as he approached her, he could see she was prepared for confrontation.

  “What are you doing here?” Her tone was sharp.

  “I just want to talk a minute.” He hesitated. “About what happened that night at dinner. I’m sorry things escalated the way they did. The last thing I want is to be at odds with you.”

  “We aren’t at odds, Josh. We aren’t anything at all.”

  She tried to walk past him, but he stepped in her path.

  His words were soft. “Please just hear me out.”

  Out of the corner of his eye, Josh watched Austin, expecting him to step in, but he didn’t.

  “There’s nothing you have to say that I want to hear. You’re just some weird fling that my mom is having – a middle-aged crisis.”

  “It’s more than that, Chloe, much more. I’m in love with your mom. I have been for as long as I’ve known her.” His voice was quieter when he said what he desperately wanted to believe. “She’s in love with me. I make her happy. You’ve seen that.”

  Chloe stood and looked at him wide-eyed. “Do you even see how weird this is? What, you’ve been skulking around all these years, waiting for a chance with my mom?”

  “It’s not like that. But given the chance with her now, I want this to work. That can’t happen if you’re not on board with it.”

  “Well, I’m not on board, and I never will be. You’re not good enough to be with my mom. She needs a grown man with a real life.”

&nb
sp; Her words stung more than she could ever know. “Like your dad? She needs someone like him?”

  Chloe didn’t respond.

  “How could you want her to be with him after what he’s put her through? After what he’s put you both through?”

  “He’s changed. Now the only thing stopping them from getting back together is you. You’re in the way.”

  “Please, Chloe, don’t do this. She’s hurting. We both are.”

  Neither spoke for a few seconds. Josh watched Chloe’s face and how her expression softened at his words.

  “Please go see your mom,” he said. “I’ll stay out of the picture. Just don’t hurt her this way.”

  He turned to go, then turned back. “I’m not angry with you. I get it; you want your family back.”

  Chloe’s eyes filled with tears. “Everything’s just so messed up now. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”

  Josh nodded and took a few steps back. “I’m sorry you’ve all had such a tough year. I never meant to complicate things.”

  With that he turned and walked away.

  ***

  Sophie slept until the afternoon. When she woke she found a text from Chloe: Your psycho boyfriend just came to my work!!

  Sophie called her. “Josh showed up there?”

  “Yeah. He was acting all unstable.”

  Still able to see the wounded look in Josh’s eyes from the night before, Sophie sighed. “Yeah, I imagine he is right now.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “He’s hurting. This is hard.” Sophie started to cry.

  “So you broke it off with him?”

  Sophie couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge that they were over, so she said nothing.

  Chloe was silent for a moment until she finally said, “This is for the best. He wasn’t right for you.”

  “I’m not sure you even know me, let alone what’s best for me.” Sophie’s head was pounding, and she couldn’t handle even one more minute of conversation. “I’ve got to go.” She hung up.