Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  After that she didn’t looked at her phone again. She didn’t eat. She didn’t have the energy for anything but to grieve over her sacrifice for her daughter.

  The next day Sophie woke early but skipped church. Her eyes and face were puffy, but at least the crying had stopped. Today, she was simply spent. The last thing she wanted to do was see Josh, but after his visit to Chloe, Sophie knew it was necessary. Plus, there were a few loose ends she needed to handle at the office. Sunday would be the better day since no one would be around but Josh. She didn’t have the heart to go when the crew was there.

  She let herself in the front door, but Josh was nowhere in sight. His truck was out front, so she assumed he was somewhere around.

  First, she went into her office and began making notes, tons of notes of where various projects were in process. She used sticky notes all over the room to direct Josh were to find files and how to prioritize the things that would most demand his attention.

  While sticking the last note on a file cabinet drawer, she sighed a long and heavy sigh and looked around the room. She would miss everything about work. Never had she felt such an integral part of something outside of her home. Her time at Room to Grow had mattered; it had changed her.

  Before Josh came in, she started gathering and packing her personal belongings. With the copy paper boxes loaded into her car, she closed her trunk and went back in to take one last look around. She stood in the entry of Josh’s office trying to capture the memory of him sitting there looking at her, grinning and flirting. With eyes closed she could see him. It was a memory she hoped would carry her through the days ahead when letting go would be the most difficult.

  Josh never came in while she was there, so she went first to the shop to look for him, then to the garden center. He was there, lying on his back on a table in the middle of a sea of pansies. His knees were bent and sticking up with his feet propped on the table.

  “Hey,” she said and walked closer.

  He sat up and looked at her but didn’t reply.

  “I know you meant well, but don’t go see Chloe again.”

  “I kept my cool and never raised my voice.”

  “It shook her up anyway.”

  “I just hoped to talk some sense into her.”

  Sophie took a step back rather than move closer as she wanted to. “Josh, under the circumstances, I think it’s best that I don’t come back tomorrow.”

  “Under the circumstances? You mean the fact that we’re over? I thought we agreed to make it work here no matter what happens with us.”

  She wiped a tear away. “I can’t see you right now. It hurts too much.”

  “And not seeing each other at all will make that better?”

  “I don’t know how else to get through this.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I left you some notes.”

  When he nodded, she said, “I’m taking what I can now. I’ll figure out something to get the rest of my stuff.”

  He blinked long. “I’ll bring it to you this week.”

  Josh jumped down from the table and came to stand close. The way he hovered over her made her heart pound, and it was everything she could do not to reach for him.

  His voice was low. “None of this makes any sense. We were doing everything right. I could understand if I wasn’t good to you. I’m good to you. You’re good to me. She just wants you back with Kevin no matter who gets hurt.”

  “I’m not going back to Kevin.”

  “You will, Sophie. I see it. You’re already on your way. You’re beaten down. She’s emotionally blackmailing you. Then what? She goes on with her life, and your parting gift is a life with Kevin?” His voice rose. “I’m warning you, if you go back to him, there’ll never be another us. I’m not gonna wait around until he leaves you again.”

  It wasn’t the raised tone of his warning that upset her most; it was the idea of there never being another them.

  “I’m not asking you to wait for me. I’m not asking for anything.” She took a step back. “I should go.” She turned and walked away, leaving him standing there calling after her.

  By the time she got to her car, he was stepping through the front door of the office and jogging down the porch steps. She tried not to make eye contact. It was taking all she had in her to leave him.

  “Sophie!” He banged on her car window.

  When she wouldn’t roll down the window, he reached down and jiggled her door handle. “Just stop. Don’t leave like this.”

  Her car was already in reverse, so she rolled back out of her parking space. That’s when he pounded the hood of her car with his fist.

  “Sophie, stop!”

  She kept going, knowing if she stopped that car she wouldn’t have the strength to maintain her resolve. The last she saw of him was looking through the rearview mirror as he jogged a few steps behind her car. He finally stopped and stood with his hands on his head and his elbows extended. One more time, he called her name.

  It began again, the crying. Where another reserve of tears came from, she didn’t know. All the way down I-65 she cried. She cried when she reached and passed her exit. If she had gotten off the interstate, she would have passed that blasted coffee shop where her life had begun again. So she kept driving and crying.

  Next thing she knew, she was in Birmingham pulling off an exit to find food. She hadn’t eaten since Friday night, so her hands were trembling and her head was pounding. The closest place to pull in was an Arby’s, so she went through the drive-through and then pulled into a space to eat. While eating her Beef and Cheddar and curly fries, she looked at the hotel across the street and made the decision. She would stay the night away and hope to wake the next morning to an entirely different life.

  It was late Monday night before Sophie arrived home. She had stayed in bed long past check-out, so it made sense to make use of a room she was paying extra for. For whatever reason, it helped. After hours of TV and junk food from the vending machine, she felt stronger than the day before. By the time she got on the road, she was cried out.

  When Sophie stepped into her kitchen from the garage, she saw the note on the counter. It was from Josh.

  I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in with the key from the porch. I waited a long time, and I tried to call. I was here last night, too, and know you never came home. It’s not hard to figure out where you were. I’m crushed! Everything about this has been one crushing blow after another, but that did me in.

  Love anyway,

  Josh

  Sophie went down the hall and found her desk there in its original place. Crowded around were the chairs from his office and hers. Her heart sank at the finality of it. She plopped down in her desk chair and pulled out her phone.

  Her message to Josh: Is that what you think of me, that I would leave you and go spend the night with him?

  His reply was immediate: I don’t know what to think. I sat in ur driveway until 3 a.m. Tell me anything else to get this image out of my mind!

  Sophie: I just drove and drove.

  She looked at that and added: And cried and cried

  Josh: Oh, babe

  Sophie: I finally stopped in Birmingham for the night.

  She jumped up from her chair and went to get the receipt from her purse. She snapped a photo and sent it to him.

  Josh: I believe you. I’m sorry I doubted you

  Sophie: Thank you for bringing my things.

  Josh: Ur welcome

  He typed no more after that, and she forced herself not to either. If it was going to be over, there had to be an official end to their communication.

  To Sophie’s surprise, the next day the sun came out. The world kept on turning after her breakup with Josh. It would never be easy, and she had to imagine it would be years before the pain went away. She had been a fool to hope.

  Now, jobless again, she had nothing to keep her busy, nothing to dive into and devote her energy to. Soon, she would begin the job search again, but before then she plan
ned to go to Dayton and spend some time with Karen. Her husband often traveled, so that would give them time together to catch up. Sophie could think of no better distraction than getting away from home. The place she once fought so hard for now suffocated her with memories it would be best to forget.

  Her TV reminded her of that first movie night with Josh and how he had rested his hand so close to hers in what ended up being his first way to flirt. In the past months they had made many memories there together, ones that would swallow her whole if she kept peering into them.

  A knock at the door interrupted her packing. Before she made it to the door, she knew it would be Josh, so she tried to brace herself for what the sight of him would do to her.

  “Hey,” he said when she opened the door. “I overlooked this yesterday.”

  He held a box with a few photos and a plant.

  “You didn’t have to make a special trip.”

  “Yeah, I did.”

  She swung the door open for him to come in, but he shook his head. “I’ll just stay out here.”

  Sophie joined him on the porch.

  Josh set the box on a chair by the door and tucked his hands into his pockets. He looked down. “I’m sorry about your car. I’ll have it fixed.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “I dented it. I know a guy who can pull it out.”

  “No, really, I don’t want it fixed.”

  She hadn’t noticed the dent until she had come out of her hotel in Birmingham. The sight of it had made her cry again. That’s what her heart felt like, bent out of shape.

  He stood there looking at her until finally, he said, “I’m sorry again that I accused you. It’s all I could think about that night when you didn’t come home, you being with him.”

  “I would never do that.” She looked away. “No matter what you think, I’m not going back. I would rather live alone the rest of my life than to live a lie with him.”

  “Whatever makes you happy. If that means giving your marriage another shot, then I don’t blame you.”

  He hesitated and looked away. “About Chloe, I see what you mean. She’s hurting. I could see it in her eyes.”

  “None of this is like her. Not the girl I know.” Her heart sank. “I don’t know how to reach her anymore. I just know I have to try.”

  “Can I ask one question?” he said and took a step closer.

  She nodded.

  “I need you to be honest. Is this for you, breaking this off? Did I miss something? Or are you really doing this for Chloe?”

  Sophie lowered her head, so Josh lifted her chin. “I need to know the truth.”

  “I have to do this for her.”

  “Did you love me?”

  “I still love you.”

  He started to speak, but his voice broke, so he cleared his throat and began again. “Because she’s your kid, she’s my kid too.” He glanced away and then looked back at her. “You’ll never be okay with Chloe feeling like this. If my being out of the picture is what’s best for her, then that’s what we’ll do. I just want you to be happy – her too.”

  With head bowed, Sophie started to cry, his words stabbing into the very core of her and twisting like a knife.

  Josh closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around her. “I’m not angry – hurt but not angry.” He held her out to look at her. “Thank you for giving me a chance. I told you that was what hurt most all those years ago, never having a chance with you. Now, at least I know what it is to love and be loved by you.”

  With a forced smile, he stepped back from her. “I’ll walk away from you just like I did the first time, saying I love you, Sophie Banks, and I have no regrets that I went all-in with you.”

  She watched him walk to his truck, climb in, and back out of the drive with one final wave. There was something calm and peace-filled about their last moments together. That was more than she had dared to hope for.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Sophie was breathing again – finally. October was gone, and already the first weeks of November were behind her. With company coming for Thanksgiving, she had plenty to keep her occupied. Besides work, she had decorated the house for fall. That was something she had skipped the year before. Chloe was bringing Austin; plus, she had asked to bring her dad. Against her better judgment, Sophie had agreed.

  Kevin called to check in on her at least twice a week. Anytime she could, she avoided him. Work kept her busy, especially the closer it came to Christmas. Macy’s had been hiring seasonal help, something she was qualified for since they had a position in the housewares department. It was not Room to Grow, but it was a job.

  To Sophie’s great relief, since her birthday and breakup with Josh, Chloe called often and sounded happy. That made the past weeks worth it. There wasn’t a moment of any day that she didn’t miss Josh. Her prayers every morning began and ended with pleas that the Lord would heal his heart. A man so remarkable deserved better than how she had treated him.

  One unmistakable quality of her new season was peace. She was at complete peace with the decision she had made. On a few occasions, she had met Justine for lunch. Once, when Justine was questioning her about her decision, that was her defense. She had looked at Justine and said, “Would God grant me peace if it wasn’t right?”

  Justine sat looking at her, her face gathered up as she thought. “Are you in the Word each day?” she said.

  “Without fail.”

  “And He has given you peace?”

  “Without fail.”

  “Then I agree,” Justine said with a solemn nod.

  There was, however, no peace where Kevin was concerned. Though he was still trying to sweet-talk his way back into her good graces, Sophie never once felt the temptation. For the first few weeks after her breakup with Josh, Kevin had called often, saying he was there if she needed to talk, but the past week, something had changed between them.

  He had come to the mall and waited for her to be on break so that he could walk with her to the food court. There was a new level of comfort between them. While she wasn’t sure why, she felt it nonetheless. She didn’t feel the need to keep her defenses up around him anymore, not because she cared for him but because she didn’t. She could look at him and know she felt nothing: no need to please or impress him, no desire for his approval, and certainly no plan to ever to go back to what was once their lives together.

  Sophie arrived home earlier than usual Tuesday night, two days before Thanksgiving. Chloe and Austin would be there the following day, so she wanted to get a head start on her long list of things to do. Kevin’s car in the driveway wasn’t a good start to her night.

  He got out of the car, holding a bag of takeout. “Chloe said you were off early tonight. I wanted to bring you dinner as a way to say thanks for allowing the old man to come for Thanksgiving.”

  “Really, you didn’t have to do that.”

  He followed her in and took the food to the table.

  “I got your favorites.”

  “Look, Kevin. This was thoughtful of you, but I have a hundred things to do before the kids get here tomorrow.”

  “Just dinner. I won’t keep you any longer than that.”

  “Okay. Let me go wash the world off.” She forced a smile. “I’ll just be a few minutes.”

  Sophie pulled her hair up, showered, and walked out into the bedroom to find Kevin sitting on the side of her bed.

  She gathered her robe together and cinched it tighter. “What are you doing in here?”

  “Not what you think.” He was holding a photo of Chloe from her nightstand. “I was just looking back, trying to figure out what in the world was wrong with me.”

  “Kevin, please go back to the kitchen and wait for me. I don’t want to have a conversation back here.”

  He looked at the bed. “I miss going to sleep with you and waking with you.”

  “You must have lived in an alternate universe then. I went to sleep most every night alone. Early o
n it was studying then long hours at work.”

  “But you were here. When I came to bed, it was you there sleeping. Sometimes I would look at you and wonder what I ever did to deserve you.”

  She stood there gawking at him, wondering how they had lived in two such different realities.

  He smiled a sad smile. “I remember that first day I saw you on campus. It was like a movie when everything goes in slow-mo. You were there amid all the incoming freshman. They all looked lost, but not you. Your walk was confident and determined as if you knew who you were and where you were going.” He chuckled and grinned at her. “You tossed your hair once and smiled at something someone said. I was done for. I just kept staring at you, wondering how in the world I could make you mine.

  “You were perfect at everything. You looked perfect and talked perfect. You are such a good mom and made this perfect home for us. Every guy I know has envied me for being with you.”

  He rested his elbows on his knees. “You never asked why I left Jamie.” When she said nothing, he said, “I kept comparing her to you. She was never you.”

  “Then why did you do what you did, Kevin? Over and over?”

  “Because I wasn't perfect. I never felt good enough. No matter how hard I worked or what I achieved, it was never enough.”

  She sat next to him on the bed. “That's not true. You were – you are – a great father. You're a successful attorney.”

  “But I was a failure as a husband. I never set out to cheat. It wasn't even that I was attracted to them.”

  “Then what was it?”

  “I don't know. Maybe how they looked at me, how they admired me. You knew the real me, and you sure didn't need me. You just lived life as if I didn't matter.”

  “That's not true.”

  “It is true. You and Chloe had a rhythm that I never fit into.”

  “You kept yourself on the outside.”

  “I didn't know how to belong in your world of school activities and food and plants.”

  There was a long silence between them until he looked around at the bed. “Were you with him here in our bed?”