Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  He wanted to go back. She wanted to move forward. With Kevin there was no room to grow. He would never allow it. As much as he was trying, deep down, he was who he was and wanted life like it used to be. But Martha was gone.

  The days between Thanksgiving and Christmas flew by in a sea of demanding shoppers and the effort of avoiding a persistent ex-husband. Sophie took all the extra shifts she could to keep busy, barely able to get her own shopping done and the house decorated.

  Chloe was home without Austin. It seemed he was serious about being done. Chloe had called her several times each week with the latest, which was usually that Austin wouldn’t return her calls. He had even changed shifts at work so that they didn’t work together.

  Now, Chloe was even more miserable than usual. She stayed in bed as much as she was up and around. When Sophie was home, they would snuggle in her bed late at night and watch TV and eat cookies. That was the Chloe she remembered and cherished and missed when she was gone. Nothing more was said about Chloe’s manipulating her, but Austin’s words had seemed to hit home. Chloe was different with her, kinder.

  “Hey, Mom,” Chloe said.

  Sophie was getting dressed for work, so she spit out her mouthful of toothpaste, wiped her face, and turned. “Yeah?”

  “I need to ask you something.”

  “Ask away.”

  “I need to manipulate you into doing something.” Her lips tugged into a soft smile. “Is it manipulating if I tell you I’m manipulating?”

  “Tell me more, and I’ll let you know.”

  “I need you to go with me and dad to Grandmother Banks’s house on Christmas Eve.”

  “Not a chance!” Sophie said. “That’s the greatest perk of your dad’s divorcing me.”

  “Please, please!” Chloe rested her head on her mother’s shoulder. “She’s so mean. If you’re not there, there’s only me to pick on.”

  “And your dad needs to put a stop to it.”

  “You know he won’t. He never stands up to her.”

  “Well, you need to get the flu or something because I’m not going.”

  Chloe’s face fell. “Mom, please. I need you to be a buffer.”

  Sophie sighed. “You’re the worst kid.”

  “I’ll be a better kid if you’ll go with me.”

  “You know I will go,” Sophie said.

  Sophie left for work and all the while considered how driving into oncoming traffic would be a better fate than Christmas Eve with Kevin’s mother. She was a horrid woman. There was never a question of where Kevin got his gift of criticism, but even he was no match for his mother.

  In all the years they had been married, there wasn’t much Delores hadn’t said to Sophie and about her. Kevin had never once defended her to his mother. Of all the hurtful things in their marriage, that was near the top of the list, or at least it used to be.

  On Christmas Eve, Sophie was getting dressed. Not one ounce of her wanted to go where she was going. The past Christmas Eve was the one bright spot in her new solo life – that she was delivered from Delores and her professionally decorated Christmas.

  “What are you wearing?” Chloe said when she came into her mother’s room.

  “Not the usual.”

  Chloe stood looking at her with her mouth open. “You’re wearing a dress and tights instead of a suit?”

  “I am,” Sophie said.

  “Dad’s gonna flip.”

  Sophie only shrugged and clipped on her hoop earring.

  “You look beautiful.” Chloe’s face lit up. “You really do plan to take the heat off of me, huh?”

  “I’ll gladly be the moving target.”

  The doorbell sounded, so Chloe went to let her dad in while Sophie finished getting dressed. She took one last look at her dress with its loud pattern and smiled. Delores might just drop dead before the soup course.

  When Sophie walked into the living room, Kevin’s jaw dropped. “You can’t wear that.”

  “Why not?”

  “My mom will die.”

  “Yeah, I was just considering that.”

  “Sophie,” he said, his face filled with panic. “Hipster chic won’t work today. I know you have a new… hip vibe or whatever, but you need to wear something with some class today. It’s Christmas Eve.”

  “I think she looks great,” Chloe said.

  “Sure, but low-end.”

  Sophie’s head snapped around. “I look what?”

  “That’s what my mother will say.”

  There was a split second when Sophie considered going to change but then stopped herself.

  “You know what, Kevin, I’m only going to keep your mother from attacking a daughter you won’t defend. I’ll wear whatever I want, or I’ll stay home and Chloe will, too.”

  He looked at Chloe. “You can’t stay home.”

  Chloe gave her mom a supportive look. “I will totally stay home if Mom does,” she said.

  The car ride was quiet. Kevin looked straight ahead, Chloe looked at her phone, and Sophie sat bracing herself for what was to come. All her bravado at home was now failing her. The last thing she wanted was to be attacked. After two decades of it, it had beaten her down.

  Once at Delores’s house, the games began. Gathered around the massive Christmas tree, they all sat and watched Chloe open her first gift.

  Delores didn’t even fake a smile when she looked at Sophie. “I didn’t know who Kevin might be bringing this year, so I have no gift for you.”

  Sophie glanced at a squirming Kevin. “I didn’t expect a gift, Delores.”

  “Obviously, you need new clothes.”

  “No, I’m good,” Sophie said. “I’ve just updated my wardrobe.”

  “Are you trying to look like a college girl?”

  With a fake smile, Sophie said, “That’s what I was going for.”

  Kevin glared at her as if warning her.

  “Now we know how you must have looked when you trapped Kevin back in college.”

  Sophie said nothing, but her icy stare at Kevin made its point.

  Chloe opened the ornate box and pulled out a piece of paper. “A gift certificate.” She kept a smile plastered on her face.

  “Yes, dear, to my salon. I’m sure they can do something with that hair. You have your mother’s lifeless hair, but a good stylist can work miracles.”

  Kevin remained silent as usual, and Sophie bit her tongue.

  To Chloe, Delores said, “I would have gotten you clothes, but since you’re still carrying the freshman fifteen, I wasn’t sure what size you wear now.”

  This was the worst it had ever been for Chloe. Sophie slid to the edge of her seat, but Kevin reached for her hand, and whispered, “Please don’t.”

  Chloe made an excuse to leave the room, and Sophie couldn’t blame her.

  Delores stepped out to check on dinner, so Sophie turned to Kevin. “What is wrong with you? How can you allow her to treat our daughter that way?”

  “It’s just one night. Please don’t say anything.”

  Sophie stood. “I’m not making any promises.”

  Dinner wasn’t as bad. At least Delores said no more to Chloe. Sophie looked across the table at her daughter and gave her a sympathetic smile, but Chloe only shrugged.

  Delores and Kevin talked of the cases he was working on, so Sophie tuned out as best she could. She hated the food. This was what Kevin had expected of her cooking, crunchy green beans with almonds and poached salmon and other bland foods with rich sauces. What was wrong with cooking green beans in a slow cooker until they were limp like her mother had? Why not bread and fry the salmon in patties? Sophie smiled at that. Those were two of her favorite foods of her mother’s.

  Sophie perked up when she heard her name. “What?”

  “I said it seems you’ve ensnared my son once again.”

  Delores turned to Kevin. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but who wouldn’t be better than that child you brought last year? Even Sophie is a step up fro
m that.”

  Kevin cleared his throat and cut his eyes to Sophie.

  “Your divorce was so distasteful of you both. At least now that you’re back together, that dark cloud will be partially lifted.”

  “Mother, can we talk about this another time?”

  “No, Kevin, let’s settle this here and now,” Sophie said.

  She looked to her right at Delores wearing a smug expression and pursed lips.

  “It wasn’t my divorce. It was your son’s divorce.”

  “Sophie,” Kevin said under his breath.

  “Sophie what?” she said. “Thanks, Kevin for the reminder of how much you care. Just like the last twenty years, you let her verbally attack and abuse me. And then what? When we leave, you’ll tell me all the ways I can do things better to win her approval.”

  She turned back to Delores. “I didn’t ensnare your son again. I’m trying every way in the world to shake loose of him.”

  With a look straight ahead at Chloe, she said, “I’ve been held hostage.”

  Delores said, “Humph!”

  Sophie wasn’t sure when she had ever felt better. Why hadn’t she done this twenty years ago? So she continued. “And I never trapped your son in the first place.”

  With a knowing smile, Delores said, “Getting pregnant your freshman year was an obvious tactic in catching a rich husband. That’s what girls from the other side of the tracks do.”

  Sophie turned in her seat to look at Kevin. “So that’s what you’re going to continue to let your mother believe? All these years, and you’ve never said a word?”

  She pounded the table and stood. “I know what I want for Christmas this year, the gift of honesty.”

  Kevin’s eyes were pleading with her to stop, but that didn’t faze her.

  “Kevin, you were the rebound guy. I broke up with my high school boyfriend and was heartbroken. Plus, I was far from home and vulnerable. You pursued me until I gave in and went out with you. You hounded me over sex until I finally gave in. You knew I didn't want to and that I never had. Still, you kept on until you wore me down. I was weak for letting you. I’ve been weak all these years for letting you continue to wear me down.”

  She looked at Delores. “I didn't trap him as you've accused all these years. He trapped me. I didn’t want this life. I didn’t want him.”

  Sophie stopped and looked at Chloe. “But I always wanted you.” She waved her arms. “I just had to put up with all of this to have you.”

  Kevin began to speak, but Sophie held out her hand. “Since we married, all I’ve heard was that this wasn’t your plan and how us getting pregnant hindered your future.” She rested her hands on the table. “Guess what, pal, I had dreams too, and I gave them all up to raise our daughter. I've never regretted a day of it.”

  She looked at Chloe. “You have been the center of my universe since the day I knew about you. Even these past months when you've been a young woman I'm not so proud of, you're still my whole world. But I'm not yours, and I shouldn't be. Next week you'll go back to your life, and I'll be alone again. I can’t live my life hoping my choices will please you. Your parents being together again and miserable won’t make you any less miserable. That’s some internal struggle you need to work on and pray over. You need to stop being your own center of the universe, Chloe. I love you, but you’ve become someone I hardly know.”

  Sophie stood tall. “And Kevin, for goodness’ sake, I’m not an idiot. I know you’re sleeping with someone. I know the signs. I lived it, remember?”

  With eyes wide, Chloe said, “Is that true, Daddy?”

  He just stared straight ahead.

  “You want what's comfortable,” Sophie said. “I’m not comfortable for you anymore. You’re looking back at the old me, a woman who never even existed. I don’t cook like this or look like your mother in her designer suits. I’m low-end and perfectly happy with that if it means I'm not constantly looking down on others.

  “When you left, you gave me room to grow. You allowed me to find me, and I thank you for that. Now, for once,” Sophie said, “I want to ask myself what I want. I don’t want the broken cookie. I want Josh. I'm in love with Josh.”

  The room was dead silent until Delores said, “Who's Josh?”

  “My twenty-nine-year-old boyfriend. He has my name tattooed on his arms two dozen times. He likes sloppy joes over tater tots, and he loves God and gardening and coffee and red velvet cake.” She sighed a long sigh. “And he especially loves me.

  “I’m probably too late,” she said to no one in particular. “But if I’m not, I’m going to marry him.”

  She turned to go when Kevin said, “You don’t even have a car.”

  “I'll Uber.”

  With one last thought, she turned to Delores. “You are the meanest person I’ve ever known. No wonder Kevin is such a mess.” Her eyes narrowed. “And if you ever hurt my kid again, I’m coming back and show you what it means to tangle with a girl from the wrong side of the tracks.”

  Sophie waited in the cold for her Uber to arrive, but her heart thumped so fast that she hardly felt it. She didn’t care about the temperature or the fact that she had just made a spectacle of herself. She had one question in mind that tumbled over and over, its answer the key to her future.

  “Of course it’s too late,” Sophie mumbled under her breath as she stepped into the car with a stranger. All the way to Josh’s she repeated it just to prepare herself. It was Christmas Eve. He would be out with some beautiful twenty-five-year-old girl. Why would he wait for a woman who had to wear leggings to cover her sagging knees?

  Chapter Nineteen

  The sound of a car door closing caught his attention, so Josh stopped packing and went over to look out the window. There had been some equipment missing from the hub the week before, so he had been extra vigilant lately.

  When he saw Sophie in the lot below moving away from a car he didn’t recognize, Josh bolted from the room and down the staircase. He stopped midway and looked down at his bare chest, considering going back up for a shirt. Whatever had brought her by had him too curious to prolong finding out.

  At the door he drew in a sharp breath, trying to prepare himself for what the sight of her would do to him. Even seeing her from the window above already had his pulse racing.

  A cold burst of air washed over him. “Sophie, what are you doing here?”

  Her eyes were wide. “Tell me it’s not too late.”

  He stood staring at her, his mind trying to make sense of her words. Finally, he shivered from the cold and took a step back. “Come in so I can close the door.”

  With arms wrapped around his chest he said, “Now, what did you say?”

  Her voice was barely above a whisper this time. “Tell me I’m not too late.”

  Over the past months, he had been living in hope of this moment, but after all that had happened, it wasn’t as easy as stepping back into the way things were.

  “No, you’re not too late.”

  She tried to step into him, but he held his hand out and did what she had once called the hand-to-Phil’s-chest move.

  “It’s not too late, Soph, but you’re still too early.”

  Her eyes fluttered in rapid bursts as she tried to comprehend his words. “What does that mean?”

  “It’s too soon to say everything’s okay. It’s not. You left me.”

  “I didn’t know how else to handle things with Chloe.”

  “We could have tried to figure it out together. You just left me.” He blinked long and shook his head. “Do you know how much that hurt, how much this past three months have hurt?”

  “Yes, and I’m so sorry.” She tried again to move closer, but he stepped back.

  “You need to grow up, Sophie. You need to figure out who you are and what I mean to you. Until you’re ready to fight for us, it’s too soon.”

  “I am ready to fight for us.”

  “I haven’t seen that so far. All I’ve seen is you being ready to bail
out on me whenever things get tough. That’s not fighting. You've done more to fight against us than to fight for us since the very beginning.”

  “I'm willing to do that now.”

  “I hope so, but I'm going to need to see it before I step back in. I need to know this is real for you. If we stand a chance at a future, we need to be impenetrable. We're not now.”

  He moved in closer and traced his finger along the corner of her eye where tiny lines formed. “The enemy will come and make you doubt. You’ll look in the mirror every day and question me and question us. I’ll live in fear of your taking off on me again. I can’t do life that way.”

  She let out a loud breath. “I promise I’m here now.”

  “Sophie, I shouldn't have to carry you. I'm not strong enough to keep that up for a lifetime.”

  With his arms held wide open, he said, “I'm giving you what you need – room to grow, ’cause I’m not so sure you’ve done that yet.” At that, he turned and walked up the steps, slamming the door behind him.

  A minute later Josh peeked out the window and saw her standing there on her phone. The wind was whipping and the temperature was in the low 40s.

  Josh cracked the window. “How'd you get here?”

  “Uber.”

  “Cancel that. I'll take you home. Come back in while I get dressed.”

  When Josh sat on the bottom step to tie his boots, Sophie said, “Your office is in chaos.”

  “Yep,” was all he said.

  He took a quick look in her old office where the Formica table sat again. For over three months he had done his best not to enter that room, and he never had meetings there.

  “I like the beard,” she said.

  Josh grabbed hold of his bushy chin and only nodded. He hadn’t shaved since her birthday.

  “Where's your tree?” she said.

  “I sold hundreds of them. That was plenty for me.”

  “And lights, did you string lights for clients?”

  For a second he just stared up at her, then stood and slipped on his denim jacket, wishing she hadn’t mentioned stringing lights. By the face she made, the memory of her birthday must have come to her mind as well.