Room to Grow

by Lisa Heaton

  She didn’t see it happen, but when Bruce dropped his knife on his plate, the clanging sound made Sophie jump. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see him lean back against his chair and nod again while making a little sucking noise with his tongue to his teeth.

  Kim looked at Bruce and then Josh. No one looked at Sophie.

  “I have to get this off my chest,” Bruce said.

  “Bruce, whatever it is, maybe –” Kim’s eyes were wide and fearful when he began to speak over her.

  “Your mom has me seeing a shrink. Did you know that?”

  Josh looked genuinely surprised. “No, I didn’t know that.”

  “Oh yeah, that woman’s full of advice on how to better communicate with people. Says I need to learn to share my feelings without raising my voice.”

  “Uh huh?” Josh said and nodded. It was evident that he was worried about the direction the conversation was about to take.

  “So here goes, then. I’ll tell you how I feel.”

  “Bruce, don’t start. Please don’t start.” Kim’s eyes were wide, and for the first time she turned to Sophie with a look that seemed to apologize for whatever was about to come next.

  “I think you’re making a mistake, son. You’ve been caught up in some fantasy over this woman all these years and can’t see it for what it really is.”

  “Dad, I’m asking you stop right there before you say something you can’t take back.”

  “I don’t plan on taking it back. It’s the truth.” He pointed to Sophie again. “She seduced an eighteen-year-old kid, got your mind all mixed up, and nothing’s ever been the same with you.”

  Josh began to speak, but Bruce kept talking. “Now look at you, all covered in tattoos, hugging trees, and probably smoking dope.

  “You had a future until you went to work for her.” He turned to Sophie. “Should I congratulate you for ruining my kid’s life? Was that always your plan?”

  “We’re leaving,” Josh said with a steady tone.

  “I think she needs to know how we feel about it.”

  “Stop now, Dad!” His voice rose as he stood and looked across at her. “Come on, Soph.”

  For Sophie, this was like some bizarre flashback from her freshman year, sitting there pregnant at Delores’s dinner table, being blamed for ruining Kevin’s life. This time, she wasn’t just going to sit there and take it without defending herself.

  Sophie turned to Bruce. “You have a right to express how you feel. But first, you need to know I never, in any way, had a relationship with your son back then. I didn’t even know he had feelings for me until the day before he left for school.”

  “How could you miss it, the way he was mooning around after you all summer?”

  “It never even crossed my mind.”

  Josh’s face was blood red. “You don’t owe him any explanation. Now stand up and let’s go,” he said through gritted teeth.

  “Josh,” Sophie said, “I’m asking you to sit a minute and allow him to speak. I want to hear this.”

  Josh hesitated a few seconds and then finally sat. When he did, Sophie noticed how the severe look on Bruce’s face seemed to soften, even if only a little.

  “Truth is, we feel ripped off.” Bruce looked at Josh, his tone level and matter of fact. “We wanted a big family, but that’s just not how it worked out. You were a miracle, son. Did your mom ever tell you that?”

  Josh shook his head. “No, Dad. I didn’t know that.”

  “Since you were a kid she’s been talking about having grandkids someday, that maybe we could have a big family that way.” Bruce leaned in and rested his elbows on the table. “It’s not the age difference. Heck, your mom is five years older than I am. It’s just that you waited so long to marry, and now you’ve settled for someone so much older, a woman who’s already raised her family.” He threw his arms in the air. “She’s got a kid coming home from college.”

  Bruce turned to look at Sophie. “Whatever you did to him all those years ago, I feel like you stole him from me. He’s not the same boy I raised.”

  “I don’t know what happened back then,” Sophie said. “I don’t understand why he fell for me the way he did. I never did anything to encourage it.”

  Josh began to speak, but she held up her hand to him.

  “I just know that now the feeling is mutual. I love your son. Since he first asked me out last year, I’ve tried every way in the world to run from this. I’ve worried about his future, about him having kids. All the things you’re concerned about, I’ve been concerned over too.”

  “You should have walked away,” Bruce said.

  “I did. And it was a mistake. Now here we are, both in too deep to turn back. I’m sorry you’re disappointed in his choice. I’m sorry for you both.”

  “I’m sorry too,” he said. “I know better than to expect good from this life.”

  Sophie stood and looked at Kim. “Thank you for a lovely dinner.”

  Josh sat looking at his dad, shaking his head. “Are you happy now?”

  Bruce raised both hands. “What, I never raised my voice.”

  “Don’t, Josh,” Sophie said. “It’s okay.”

  She left the room, and soon Josh was meeting her at the door. He helped her slip her jacket on and opened the door for her.

  “Will you still be there tomorrow?” Kim said as she entered the living room.

  Josh looked at Sophie and back at his mom. “I’m not sure.”

  “We will be there.” Sophie said. She didn’t dare look at Kim for fear of crying. “I’m sorry to leave you with the mess to clean up. I’m sorry for all of this.”

  The ride back to the hotel was as quiet as on the way there. Josh apologized for his father several times. Other than that he just kept his eyes on the road.

  Once at their hotel, Josh parked the car and killed the engine.

  He turned to her. “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what?”

  “Don’t internalize all that.”

  “I don’t know what else to do with it.”

  “We’re okay, right?” he said.

  “Of course we’re okay.”

  “We should have left when I asked you. The last thing I wanted was for him to hurt you.”

  “He just said how he feels.”

  “But he didn’t have to. He wanted to. That’s his problem. He doesn’t ever take anyone else’s feelings into consideration.”

  “Some people are just like that.”

  “He’s in a league of his own.”

  Sophie chuckled at that. “I know you don’t like hearing about my past with Kevin, but I have to tell you this: his mom could eat your dad for lunch.”

  Josh laughed. “Not possible.”

  “I swear it.”

  Josh leaned over the console. “I’m in love with you.”

  “I’m in love with you, too.”

  “No matter what he says, no matter what he feels, I need you. Kids and all of that stuff will work out however it’s supposed to. I just know that life would never be okay without you in it.”

  “No,” she said, “life would never be okay without you either.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  A hot shower helped. Since returning to his room, Josh had thought of nothing but his father’s words to Sophie, that she should have walked away. If he only knew how hard she had tried from the time they reconnected. After their struggle to overcome so many obstacles, there was no question in his mind that they belonged together. If only he were sure she felt the same after their evening with his parents.

  When he had left her room before, he was hesitant and now he wished he would have stayed longer. He suspected that she cried the moment he left since she seemed to be on the verge of it while he was there with her.

  He slipped on athletic shorts and a t-shirt and walked the three doors down to Sophie’s room.

  “Hey,” Sophie said, her voice much more upbeat than she looked with her puffy eyes and forced smile.

/>   “Can I hang out here a while?”

  “Sure. I was just doing a little reading.”

  Josh went to her bed and flopped down.

  “I thought you read this already,” he said as he looked at the back cover of her book.

  “I never finished. I’ve been busy with the house and work and a little cutie I’m dating. He keeps me busy.”

  He sprawled out on her bed and propped his hands behind his head. “You read. I’ll just chill here with you.”

  She sat on the side of the bed. “What’s up?”

  “My mind is still racing.”

  “Let’s talk. Maybe if you do, you’ll get it all out and be able to sleep tonight.”

  “I doubt that,” he said as she snuggled in next to him.

  “Try it. I’ll listen.”

  “First,” he reached for the hem of the t-shirt she was wearing and tugged at it. “Just because I spilled coffee on this and you washed it doesn’t mean it’s yours now.”

  “Sure it does.” She looked down at the vintage Coke bottle. “I’ve been wearing it to sleep in.”

  “So I don’t get it back until we’re married?”

  She grinned and smirked. “Right.”

  “That seems like forever away,” he said with a low moan.

  “It does, doesn’t it?”

  With eyebrows raised and a lopsided grin, he said, “I’m finding it difficult to wait on that t-shirt.”

  “I know, but you’ll be glad you did.”

  “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t plan on trying to wear the shirt until we’re married. I’m still committed to waiting – for the t-shirt, I mean.”

  Her grin made his heart grow warm. There was no way she could know what she did to him, the way his heart would race at the mere sight of her.

  “Somehow I think the conversation has shifted,” she said.

  “I can’t wait for both, marriage and wearing that t-shirt.”

  “Josh?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You didn’t come to talk about this shirt.”

  “No.” He lowered his head and kissed hers. “Would you mind me talking about my dad?”

  She sat up and crossed her legs. “Talk.”

  “This would be so much easier if I hated him.”

  Her shoulders sank when she sighed. “I know you love him, Josh. He’s your dad.”

  “I know he can be a pain, like, a major pain, but there’s so much more to him than that, a side most people never see.”

  “Tell me about him, the good things you remember.”

  “There’s not a lot of good since I quit ball. Our relationship has been strained since then.”

  Josh sat up next to her. “But before then, when I was kid, man, he was a good dad. The guys on my team wished their dad was more like him.”

  He could see the image in his mind of his dad running drills with the team in the rain that year the coach wanted to teach them a lesson for losing. It was a cold rain, late in the fall. They were only on their third lap when Josh looked back and saw his dad running along with the pack.

  “He never missed a practice or a game. No matter what he had going on, he made time for me. Every single game, he was there. Most every practice he was right there helping me to get better and stronger.” Josh hesitated. “Don’t get me wrong, he was tough on me, but I knew it was because he believed in me. I never doubted that.”

  He sat for a moment, thinking a thought that had come to mind dozens of times over the years. Finally, he said, “Football was our thing. I think when I quit he felt like I was abandoning him.”

  “Did you ever talk to him about how you felt?”

  “I tried. By my senior year, I was just over it. I had no idea what I wanted to do,” he grinned at her. “Well, not until the summer anyway, but I knew I couldn’t keep playing just to make him happy.”

  “Telling him must have been tough. You were so young.”

  “He flipped out. I’ve seen him at his worst, but that weekend he was the most irrational I’ve ever seen him. Every time I was home after that, things just stayed the same. He hounded me about ball and my major. He would start an argument over most anything. Now, all these years later, I believe we will never really be okay again, not like we used to be.”

  “He blamed me even then?” she said.

  Josh nodded, unsure if he should say more.

  Her eyes narrowed. “What?”

  “That first weekend I was home, when I said I wanted to study landscape architecture, he kept pressing me, wondering why I had chosen that. I had no idea where it would lead, but I told him you had inspired me.”

  Josh drew in a deep breath and exhaled with eyes wide.

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Yeah, that’s when he started saying you had seduced me. He threatened to go to your house and confront you.”

  Sophie sat up straight. “Are you kidding me?”

  “No. It was crazy. Things almost became physical between us.”

  “What did you do.”

  He hung his head. “I’m not proud of it.”

  The look in his dad’s eyes when Josh had drawn back his fist was still burned into his memory.

  “I nearly hit him. I was just so afraid he would do something to hurt you.” He looked at her and shook his head. “I wasn’t going to allow that.”

  She looked away. “No wonder he hates me.”

  “He doesn’t hate you, Soph.”

  “Maybe not hate, but he sure blames me.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before we came. I should have given you the option not to come.”

  “I wouldn’t have missed it.”

  “I could have at least prepared you, but I hoped I had handled it.”

  “What do you mean, handled it?”

  “I called him yesterday and warned him.”

  “What did you say?”

  “That if he did anything to hurt you, he and I were done.”

  Her voice was soft. “You don’t mean that.”

  “I absolutely do.”

  “I don’t want to be the reason you two are in a worse place.”

  “You’re not; he is. He knew the consequences and said what he did anyway. It was his choice.”

  Tears sprang to Sophie’s eyes, so Josh reached for her.

  “This isn’t about you. It’s never been about you.”

  “It sure feels about me.”

  “I’m not sure it’s even about me or football. He’s just a damaged man.”

  Josh ran his fingers through his hair. “I told him that after you walked out today.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Probably the meanest things I’ve ever said to anybody.”

  “What?”

  “I told him God knew what He was doing by not giving him another kid that he would mess up like me.”

  Her gasp made him feel even worse than he already did.

  “And I said if we ever did have kids I wouldn’t allow him around them.”

  Sophie reached for his face. “You’re not messed up. Saying that was pretty messed up, but Josh, you’re a wonderful man.”

  “No, I’m not. I mean, I’m better now.” He shrugged. “But you’ve seen me explode, or at least the aftermath of it.”

  He stopped and looked at her, then blinked hard, thinking of that day in the hub when he had thrown such a fit. He had never forgotten that trace of fear on her face when he had yelled at her after she told him about Kevin coming to her house.

  “We all have that defining moment,” he said, “when we get to choose who we will be. The day I flipped tables and scared you, I knew I had to change. I would never make you live fearing me and my temper. You should have been able to tell me what you did and trust that I would hear you out.”

  “You are better now.”

  “Yeah, I am. Dad’s had that same choice over the years. Tonight, he chose to hurt you even knowing what that would cost.”

  “Josh, I don’t thi
nk it was as ill-intended as you think.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “I think maybe he just needed to be heard. There was a level of vulnerability he showed in expressing his feelings the way he did. Honestly, I expected something entirely different, and I was prepared to fire back. But how can you dispute what he said? Other than him accusing me of seducing you, the other stuff was true. They may be ripped off.”

  “Babe, I can’t help that. This is right between us. I’m not sure how I know this, but I just know God has a special plan for us.” He grabbed her arms. “Just look at how He’s worked this all out for us to be together.

  “Maybe He has some place of ministry for us someday. We might do something that makes an impact on the world. I don’t know. I just know this is right.”

  Her nod was unconvincing.

  “Tell me you know that.”

  “Nothing has ever felt more right…”

  When she trailed off, he said, “What?”

  “It feels right, but still it’s hurting the people who love you.”

  “That’s not our fault.”

  She said nothing, and that scared him. He reached out and moved her hair from her eyes. “Can I stay the night?”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  Her cocked eyebrow made him grin. “Yeah. I’m all prayed up.”

  “I love that about you, that you have to be prayed up to be good around me.”

  “I love that about you,” he said, “that you make me need to pray just to be good.”

  He leaned in and kissed her quick, then moved back. “Not the best idea, huh?”

  “Probably not.”

  “You read your book. I’ll rest my eyes here next to you.”

  Sophie propped herself against the headboard and flipped until she found her chapter. He watched her eyes dart across the page. More than once she blinked long as if her eyes were tired, so he said, “Why don’t you get some sleep? It’s been a long day.”

  She nodded and set the book on the nightstand. “You’re really going to stay?”

  “Yeah, I want to watch over you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because of what happened tonight. That’s exactly the kind of thing that’ll make Sophie run.”

  She reached for him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “No, not this time.”