by Lisa Heaton
He looked around the room and thought of what she had said, that she felt like something or someone was missing. He didn’t feel that at all. To him, life was complete as it was.
“What are you doing?” Sophie stood in the doorway smiling at him.
“I just thought I would get my reading done somewhere new.”
“This is new, alright.” She came and sat next to him. “I see you have your Sophie Said journal.”
“I do.”
“Why’s that?”
“I was thinking of something you said, about the all, all, all verse in Matthew.”
A smile crossed her face. “I remember that day.” She took his hand. “That had been in my devotion that morning about loving God with your all. At the time I sure did.”
She shrugged. “It’s hard to believe I allowed everything that happened with Kevin to steal that from me.”
“It’s easy to do,” Josh said.
“Know what’s nice?”
“What, babe?”
“I feel that again, that all, all, all love for God.”
He nodded. “I see that in you.”
“I see that in you too,” she said.
“I’m not so sure that’s true about me, but I’m trying.”
Sophie’s eyes narrowed as she looked at him. “Why are you really in this room?”
“Just trying to see what you see.”
“Maybe I don’t see that. I told you it could have been the fact that I got all excited.”
“What if God revealed that to you?”
“Then I would have to believe nothing will stop it.”
“Even me?”
She reached for his cheek. “Even you.”
“I want to want it for your sake.”
“You said you can see yourself as a dad someday.”
“I said maybe, and in the moment it felt that way.”
“Not so much now?” she said.
“No, it still scares me. I don’t want to share you. I’m just as selfish now as I was then.”
“That doesn’t make you selfish.”
“Yeah, it does, especially if it’s what you want.”
“Anything that makes you this unsettled is a reason for us to reconsider. Josh, I think maybe I mostly want this for your sake.”
He grinned at her. “And I’ve been trying to want this for your sake.”
“I think maybe we’ve finally figured this out. Neither one of us really wants a baby right now,” she said.
“Maybe ever.”
Josh pulled her closer. “If you ever change your mind, that’ll change my mind.”
“Agreed. And if you ever change your mind, that’ll change my mind.”
“So,” he said. “What’s missing from this room?”
“What if we make it a den? You can study here. I can have my quiet time here with winter coming.”
“Maybe what’s missing is Mr. Coffee. We can put one over there.” He pointed near the door. “Imagine waking up in the morning and having coffee waiting across the hall.”
“I like that plan.”
“Me too.” He glanced down at his Sophie Said journal. “I still have work to do.”
“We both do.”
Chapter Thirty-One
“Bring the box and the milk,” Josh said to Chloe. He drank the rest of his milk from his bowl and chuckled at an episode of SpongeBob.
“The Cap’n Crunch is all gone.” She set the Cheerios and milk on the coffee table in front of him.
He wrinkled his nose. “Who wants Cheerios?”
“Mom,” Chloe said.
Josh set his bowl on the table. “I’m good.”
They watched for a minute with Chloe crunching beside him.
“You eat loud,” he said.
With her mouth full, Chloe said, “It’s got crunch in the name. What do you expect?”
Still hungry, he reached for the Cheerios and filled his bowl, then poured the milk.
“Why are you eating my cereal?” Sophie said when she entered the room.
“Your daughter ate the rest of mine.” He looked around and smiled at Chloe.
“I’ll get to the store after work today,” Sophie said.
Josh looked at her. “I’ll go. You feeling any better?”
They had all had colds, but hers seemed to be lingering the longest. Anytime she slept past him, that was an indication that she wasn’t feeling well.
“I’m better, I think.”
She came back with a bowl, so Josh passed her the milk.
He turned back to look at the TV and resumed eating his cereal. Chloe was still crunching in his right ear.
Out of the corner of his eye, a movement caught Josh’s attention, so he turned toward Sophie in time to see she had clasped her hand over her mouth. Next thing he knew, her hand flew away as she vomited all over the place.
“Gross!” Chloe said. “You just puked on The Cloud.”
Josh jumped up and Sophie did too. She ran toward the stairs with her hand over her mouth, and Josh ran behind her.
She hovered over the toilet and threw up again. After a few more dry heaves, she sat back and rested against the tub.
He sat next to her. “You must have the flu.”
“You better get as far away as you can in case I do.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He got up and wet a washcloth.
Sophie took the cloth and pressed it against her forehead.
Chloe appeared in the doorway holding a roll of paper towels and cleaner. “Not to be dramatic here, but cleaning that up almost made me die.”
She stood there looking at her mother, then motioned toward Josh. “We weren’t sick like that.”
“She might have the flu,” Josh said.
“Could you be pregnant? I mean, you’re like secretive little rabbits.”
Sophie just sat staring at him, while Josh was too stunned to even be embarrassed by the rabbit comment.
He turned to Chloe. “My wallet is on the kitchen counter. Get some money and go get a test.”
Chloe just stood looking at them. Eventually, she broke out laughing. “That’ll be hysterical. I’ll have a baby brother or sister when I’m twenty-one.”
Josh swallowed hard. “Please go to the store.”
“Get two,” Sophie said.
They were both mostly quiet while they waited. Josh tried to wrap his mind around the possibility of having a kid. How it would change their lives didn’t settle as heavily upon him as it usually did. It was more a case of how it would need to change him. He didn’t feel even remotely ready to be a dad.
“You okay?” he said to her and squeezed her hand.
“Still a little queasy.”
“Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah, a faster delivery girl.”
Josh chuckled at that. “Whatever the outcome, we can handle it.” His words were more of a reassurance for himself than her.
When Chloe returned, she already had the box open. Sophie took the stick and looked at them both as if waiting for them to leave.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Josh said.
Chloe shook her head. “I’m not either.”
When she was finished, Josh took the stick from Sophie and stood looking at it. Chloe was looking over his shoulder. It didn’t take long to indicate positive.
“Uh, I’ll give you rabbits a minute to process.” Chloe left before either acknowledged her.
He watched her. Sophie kept blinking and staring straight ahead. When she placed her hand on her stomach, he reached out and covered hers with his, then leaned his head over onto her shoulder.
“Part of me is all tangled up with part of you in there.” He sighed and laced his fingers through hers. “That’s the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be happy,” she said.
“I don’t know what I am, but I’m sure not unhappy.”
“I don’t know what I am either,”
Sophie said in barely a whisper.
He looked at her and shook his head. “Just that one time.”
“Yeah, Halloween.”
“I mean, you tried all those months, then when we began to use protection, one time without and you get pregnant.”
She only nodded.
“How can we not see God in that?” he said.
“This doesn’t really mean anything.”
“What do you mean?”
“At my age getting pregnant is only half the battle. I’ve read that there’s a thirty percent chance I’ll miscarry.”
He didn’t know what to say. By her expression he couldn’t tell how she was feeling. Finally, he said, “That’s scary odds.”
“Yeah.” She looked down at their joined hands. “I don’t want to tell anybody.”
“I understand. This’ll just be our thing for now.”
When Sophie felt it was safe to leave the bathroom, she went to lie down and he went to Chloe’s room and leaned in the doorway.
“You can tell Drake, but we’re not going to tell anyone for now.”
“Why? Aren’t you happy about it?”
“It’s not that.” He let out a breath. “I guess there’s a thirty percent chance of her miscarrying.”
Chloe arched one eyebrow and bobbed her head. “Yeah, but that means there’s a seventy percent chance she will be okay. Right?”
He nodded and smiled. “I like the way you see things.”
Josh went back to their room where Sophie was back in bed. He crawled in beside her and pulled her to him.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he said. “Are you upset?”
“I’m everything: I’m scared, I’m kind of happy, but mostly I’m sad since you don’t want it.”
When a tear spilled over her lashes, Josh reached up and wiped it away.
“Hey, don’t be sad.” He moved in and kissed her. “I didn’t want this about half an hour ago. That little plus sign stopped my heart and changed everything.”
She broke into tears. “Well, don’t want it too much just in case.”
Josh held her tight, feeling just as frightened as she was. She was no longer crying, but she wasn’t speaking either.
He said, “Want to know what a smart kid we have across the hall?”
Sophie nodded.
“It began with a ‘well, duh’ look,” he smiled at Sophie’s smile, “then she said this means we have a seventy percent chance that you’ll be okay, that this baby will be okay.”
“We need to get to twenty weeks,” she said. “If we can get there, we should be okay.”
He thought about it. “That’s what, the middle of March?”
“Yeah, he needs to make it past your birthday.”
“We’ll make it, Soph.” He gave her a little squeeze. “Who’s gonna tell Mr. Coffee that he’s evicted?”
He could tell her laugh was forced. She wasn’t okay.
“Whatever happens, don’t think I don’t want this.” He held her back to look at her. “None of that stuff I said before matters, not in light of our little baby growing inside of you.”
When she didn’t reply, he said, “Do you hear me?”
She nodded.
***
Sophie didn’t stay in bed for long after Josh left for work. Soon, Chloe left for work too, so Sophie had time to herself. She went into the little den they had made out of the junk room. Only the week before they had bought two chairs for them each to sit and have their quiet time.
The Mr. Coffee sitting by the door made her smile until the realization that she couldn’t have caffeine settled in. Life would be different for a time, but she would give up anything required of her to keep her baby safe and healthy.
Her Bible was sitting next to her chair, so she settled in and picked it up. For a minute she just held it without opening it. The things that had happened throughout the morning weighed on her mind.
She knew Josh wasn’t as happy as he tried to pretend. How could he be? But neither was Kevin about Chloe at first, and look at how he had fallen in love with her. Josh’s feelings weren’t what most bothered her, though.
Her own feelings about the pregnancy were at the forefront of her mind. Like Josh, she had gotten to the place of being fine with not having another baby. Just that morning when she woke, she was content with their lives. Now, she wanted nothing more than to carry this baby to term and was completely overrun with fear that she wouldn’t.
She looked up at the doorway and thought of the night Josh had asked her to marry him. They had stood in that doorway and looked into this room. He could have never known its implications at the time, but he had said, “Fear has no place here.”
Earlier in the week, her devotion had been about fear and faith, how they could never coexist. You grasp one or the other. God had known what was coming and how much she would need that reminder.
Without even finishing her quiet time, Sophie got up, got dressed, and headed to the office. When she walked through the front door, she went straight to Josh’s office and sat on the corner of his desk.
“We have two choices,” she said. “We can live in fear of the thirty percent or live in faith for the seventy.”
Josh’s lips drew into a slow smile. “I choose the seventy.”
She moved to sit in his lap. “Me too. We just need to make it to March.”
“That’s spring to me,” he said. “You know good things happen for us in the spring.”
Later that night, once Drake was gone and Chloe had gone up to bed, Sophie cuddled with Josh on The Cloud. She was surprisingly at peace. The day had progressed with Josh seeming to become more sincerely excited. That scared her under the circumstances, but each time fear welled up within her, she latched onto faith again.
“I’ve been thinking about something all day,” he said. “I’ve almost mentioned it a few times, but it may sound weird.”
“You have to tell me now.”
“All this time we’ve been married,” he paused and smiled. “I know I’ve chased after you a lot. I just thought it was because we were newlyweds or that I hadn’t been with anyone in four years. I guess I didn’t put a lot of thought into it.”
When he stopped and sat looking at her, she said, “And now?”
“Now I see it as something different, something deeper within me. I wanted to be a part of you. I think that’s what most drove my desire.” He reached for her stomach. “I’m part of you now.”
Tears filled her eyes. “Yeah, you’re part of me now.”
“Soph, no matter what happens, you’ve made me a dad. Right now, we have a child together, and nothing can take that away. Whether he’s delivered into our arms or into the arms of Jesus, we are parents together. I had no idea how much I wanted this until you gave it to me. My world just got so much bigger.”
“I want this too,” she said.
“So I need to ask,” Josh said with a shy smile. “What happens to a love life while someone’s pregnant? I’m asking for a friend.”
Sophie was careful not to smile. Instead, she instead frowned and shook her head. “Not good news for your friend.”
He was bug-eyed. “Seriously, nine months?”
She nodded. “Sorry.”
Josh blinked a few times and shrugged. “Okay, no worries. I went four years, I can handle nine months.”
When she broke out into laughter, he said, “You’re kidding, right?”
“I’m totally kidding. As long as everything’s alright, we can be together throughout the whole pregnancy.”
He dropped his head to rest on the cushion behind him and sighed out loud. “Not to be dramatic here, but I just died a little.”
Over the next few days their excitement grew. Sophie went to the doctor, and the pregnancy was confirmed. The due date was July 27. Because of her age, she had expected doom and gloom from her long-time doctor, but that wasn’t the case. Many women were having babies later in life. Even though there were greater
risks at Sophie’s age, there was still plenty of hope.
Where Sophie and Josh were cautiously optimistic, Chloe was openly excited and refused to consider anything other than a good outcome. Over the next weeks, her attitude often strengthened Sophie’s faith on those days when fear screamed louder than her faith was able to defend against.
Thanksgiving passed with them still not telling anyone. Now that Christmas was approaching, they had to decide what to do. They would have a house full of people that day, while trying to keep the biggest secret of their lives.
Josh had brought up baby names a few times, but Sophie couldn’t bring herself to consider it. It was all still too scary. She had gone through a week of spotting, and since then, fear seemed to be winning out over faith.
“I picked this up in case you’re hungry.” Josh was standing in her office doorway holding a Wendy’s bag.
“I’m starving.”
“Can we talk while you eat?” he said and dropped into the chair in front of her desk.
Sophie took her burger out of the bag. “Sure, what’s up?”
“I want to talk about Christmas.”
“What about Christmas?”
“I want to tell people.”
She set the burger on the paper and looked at him.
“I know you’re scared, Soph. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever been through, but it doesn’t seem right to keep him a secret.” Josh slid up in his seat and rested his elbows on his knees. “And I don’t even mean keeping him a secret from them. I mean it’s not fair to him. It’s like saying he doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t say that. That’s not why.”
“Then why can’t we tell?”
“Everyone will get all excited.”
“Doesn’t this baby deserve everyone’s excitement?”
“Of course, but if we lose him, then it’ll be even more heartbreaking.”
Josh stood, walked around her desk, and knelt before her. “Then they can grieve with us.” He rested his hand on her stomach. “And I want to start considering names. I’ve been thinking about something my old history professor said. He said that during the black plague, people wouldn’t name their kids until they were toddlers just in case they died.
