‘You’ve been great, thanks,’ Gus echoed sincerely.
‘We haven’t done much.’ Gina grimaced. ‘I’m just so sorry. We’re here any time at all if you need us.’
Seb nodded his agreement. ‘Please ring, either of you, if there is anything we can do, or if you want to talk.’
Gus couldn’t imagine doing so—asking for help was alien to him—but he appreciated the offer, surprised by how open and friendly Seb and Gina had been with him. He shook hands with the handsome Italian doctor, and was further taken aback when Gina gave him a hug, too.
As the couple left after a final round of goodbyes he noticed the way Holly watched them, as if she wanted to go with them rather than remain with him. The knowledge stung and increased his defensiveness.
‘If there’s somewhere else you’d rather be you don’t have to stay,’ he remarked, a sharper edge to his voice than he’d intended.
Holly didn’t look at him, but he saw her shoulders stiffen. ‘There’s nothing more important than the baby.’
‘You didn’t show any interest during Julia’s pregnancy,’ Gus pointed out, confusion and hurt driving the accusation. ‘You never once came to the house.’
‘I was never once invited. And I didn’t think I’d be welcome.’
Holly’s words and the soft, sad tone in which she voiced them gave him pause. He wanted to continue to blame her—it made it much easier to maintain a distance that way—but…
‘Julia said she approached you when she discovered she was pregnant and you turned her away.’ As he forced out the words he saw the genuine surprise and puzzlement in her response.
‘That’s not true.’ She shook her head, a few honey-blonde strands escaping her ponytail and feathering her pale face. Sky-blue eyes, clear and direct, gazed into his. ‘Julia would never have come to me. Our relationship broke down years ago. She always knew how to hurt me most…and this time she excelled herself.’
Gus didn’t know why, but he believed her—although he had no idea what lay behind her final words. Nor did he know why the sisters had become estranged. Hell, he hadn’t even known Holly had a sister until that fateful night at the Strathlochan Arms, when his life had changed for ever. It was one of the questions that remained unanswered: why, when they had been so close, and he’d thought so honest with each other, had Holly withheld the information about her sister and former fiancé? Especially once she’d known what the idea of family meant to him.
Before he could say more one of the specialist nurses monitoring the baby’s condition came to carry out scheduled observations. Holly stood up to give the woman room.
‘If you’ll excuse me? I’m going to freshen up.’
Picking up her bag, she headed towards the restroom. Her chin was raised in stubborn but dignified defiance, and although she appeared outwardly calm he had seen the hurt in her eyes. He hurt, too. He just didn’t know what or who to believe any more. Could he come to trust Holly again? Or had too much happened for them ever to re-establish any kind of friendship?
Holly had let him down. The disappointment and pain of her rejection and lies persisted. Yet he couldn’t deny responsibility for his own part in events. Guilt and self-disgust weighed heavily upon him. Having avoided each other for months, Gus was sure the last thing either of them wanted was to be thrown together by the tragedy of Julia’s death and the survival of the baby.
And for now he needed to maintain his guard—because he feared he remained as vulnerable to Holly as ever.
* * *
Thankful for the time alone, Holly sucked in a steadying breath and cast a quick look at her reflection in the restroom mirror. There was more colour in her cheeks. Now she had to return to the unit, when what she really wanted was to sneak home and lick her wounds. Wounds she had tried to convince herself were healing but which were, as these last hours had proved, quite evidently as raw and painful as ever.
But she couldn’t leave. This was no longer about her and Gus. Now it was about the baby. A baby who tore at her heart and made the empty void inside her ache anew, but with whom she had fallen in love the moment she’d seen him, held him and breathed in his unique baby scent. She wanted to be involved in her nephew’s life, although it would mean a level of involvement with Gus that she didn’t know how to cope with.
However much she might want to, she couldn’t forget that Gus was grieving for the wife he’d just lost: her sister. The woman he had chosen instead of her. A blatant, public betrayal by both Gus and Julia that hurt as much now as it had then. And, as instinctive as her love for the baby was, each time she looked at him the knife inside her twisted—because he was the physical manifestation of all that had hurt her and all that was lost to her for ever.
Pain squeezed the fragmented pieces of her heart. She felt confused. And guilty. Because whilst she would never have wished harm on her sister—least of all such a violent death, leaving a baby without his mother and a husband without his wife—there was also an undeniable element of relief. After a lifetime on the receiving end of Julia’s bullying and vindictiveness she was now free. Except she wasn’t. Not entirely. Because she was still living with the consequences of Julia’s actions and manipulations.
Having freshened up, she brushed her hair and retied her ponytail, her thoughts straying back to the previous August, when Gus had arrived at Strathlochan Hospital. Apart from the obvious zing of physical attraction, Gus’s eyes had captivated her. Not just their unusual and compelling shade of smoky green, but their expression the first time he’d met her gaze. She’d seen past the guardedness and stony reserve to the inner aloneness. Something had caused that distrust, wariness and soul-deep pain in his eyes.
She’d been drawn to him from the first moment. Not only was he gorgeous to look at, but she’d been impressed by his innate care for his patients. Over those first days and weeks his green eyes had looked at her in ways that had made her heart race and her spine tingle, firing her with a searing desire she’d never experienced before. She had suddenly been so excited about the future.
Until the night of their first date.
A date that had never happened…
Having taken ages to get ready, she’d been buzzing with nervous excitement and on the point of leaving the house when a text had arrived from Gus. That he was cancelling at the very last minute had been a bitter blow, but she’d known he’d been unwell, so she’d set her crashing disappointment aside, concerned instead for his welfare. Her reply had been met with silence and she’d heard nothing more until she’d arrived at work the next day.
The A&E department—indeed, the whole hospital—had been abuzz with gossip and speculation. A shiver of anxiety had rippled down her spine when she’d noticed her colleagues watching her with sympathy and a measure of ghoulish anticipation, but it was when she’d learned the nature of the gossip that her world had fallen apart.
‘What happened to your date last night, Holly?’ her friend and fellow nurse Kelly Young had asked as they’d changed into scrubs in the locker room.
Holly had tried to manufacture a smile. ‘We postponed it. Gus wasn’t feeling well,’ she explained, unable to mask her disappointment.
‘Is that what he told you?’ Olivia Barr queried, her tone matching the smirk on her face. ‘He was well enough to entertain your sister last night. He and Julia were all over each other and left together to go to his room!’ the department’s least popular nurse continued with evident enjoyment. ‘Julia was seen leaving after breakfast this morning, but Gus has phoned in saying he’s too ill to work today. I’m not surprised, given the night he must have had!’
‘That’s enough, Olivia. You don’t have to rub it in,’ Kelly reprimanded, leaping to her defence. After Olivia flounced out, she added, ‘You know what Olivia’s like, Holly, so don’t let her nastiness get to you. We’re all on your side.’
Holly tried to smile but the damage had been done. She felt sick to her stomach and it took a supreme effort of will not to show h
er real feelings in front of Olivia. She didn’t want to give her gossipy colleague the satisfaction of seeing how upset she was at the news of Gus’s betrayal. More than anything she wanted to disbelieve Olivia’s words, but as more staff came forward to confirm what they had seen at the Strathlochan Arms, the more wretched, hurt and angry Holly felt.
Julia acting that way was no surprise; it was far from the first time that her sister had hurt her—although this betrayal cut more deeply than the rest. However, it was the realisation that Gus had not only lied to her, but had staged a public rejection of her—and with Julia, of all people—that ripped her heart to shreds. He must have known the consequences—that his assignation would be the talk of the hospital and that not only would she find out but she’d be plunged into the midst of gossip.
How could he have done it?
To this day the question still hammered inside her. She’d played second fiddle to Julia all her life. Her sister had been the pretty one, the one who could turn on the charm and guile to get what she wanted, regardless of the hurt she’d caused along the way. Given past history, Holly had been scared of Gus and Julia meeting—of Julia going after Gus and turning his head. And now her fears had been realised. One look at Julia and Gus had been ready and willing to cast aside their friendship, and in doing so had proved that he hadn’t cared about her at all.
Holly rubbed her hands along her arms, feeling the chill despite the warmth in the room. If she’d thought that first day had been terrible, it had been nothing compared to the next day when Gus had returned to work.
The atmosphere in the department had been electric, Holly recalled, with everyone waiting for the moment she and Gus came face to face. She bit her lip, failing to force back the memories and the sting of tears that threatened even now. Gus had looked terrible, his face unnaturally pale and drawn, making it clear the virus had been genuine and had taken its toll. But she had been too hurt and angry to rustle up much sympathy for him. He’d been well enough to reject her and replace her the same night with her sister, making her the town’s laughing stock.
How had Gus expected her to feel? Or hadn’t he even thought of her at all? She’d been so furious, so humiliated, so wounded that she hadn’t been able to bring herself to look at him. Knowing everyone was watching them and waiting for something to happen, she’d tried hard to avoid him, but every moment had been a strain and it had been inevitable their paths would cross eventually.
‘We need to talk, Holly,’ Gus had murmured quietly, catching her alone in the plaster room.
‘There’s nothing to talk about,’ she’d responded, with as much calm as she could muster, hurrying to finish her tasks, aware someone could walk in at any moment. ‘Nothing you say will change what you did.’
His eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened. ‘Well, I have some questions for you. Why did you fail to mention Julia—your sister? Or tell me about Euan?’
‘That has nothing to do with it.’ Holly flinched as he flung the names at her. That Julia had clearly told him about Euan was mortifying. And she knew it wouldn’t have been the truthful version. Hurt beyond bearing, she was affronted that Gus should try to pin the blame for his own behaviour on her. Shaking with emotion, and desperate to escape him, she opened the door, unable to keep her voice controlled. ‘I trusted you. I thought you were different. But I was wrong. So wrong.’ Guilt flashed across his face and, hardening her broken heart against him, she forced herself to continue. ‘It’s over—whatever it was to you. We have nothing more to say to each other.’
‘Holly…’
As Gus followed her out of the plaster room Holly closed her ears to the plea in his voice as he called her name. She was conscious of people looking at them and, feeling used and foolish, she wanted a hole to open up and swallow her.
‘You’ve made your choice, now live with it.’ She turned and looked at him one final time. ‘You and Julia deserve each other.’
Somehow she’d choked out the words, refusing to cry in front of him, and then she’d turned and walked away.
As the days had passed things at work had remained strained, making her long for the moment when some new scandal would come along to occupy the gossips and remove her from the spotlight. She’d felt pinned down under a microscope, especially during the unavoidable occasions when she and Gus had been called on to work together. They’d been icily polite and starkly professional, but the tension had been palpable, affecting not just Gus and herself but the whole department. Although her colleagues had meant well, and had been nothing but supportive of her, leaving her in no doubt that they held Gus to blame, she knew the situation couldn’t continue indefinitely.
She hadn’t believed it possible that things could get worse, but she’d been wrong—as she’d discovered when things had come to a head a few weeks later and Julia turned up at the hospital. The buzz in the A&E department had increased to such an extent that the very air had crackled with electricity. Julia had looked beautiful, but fragile—the epitome of male fantasies. Gus had seemed stunned and embarrassed by her arrival…but that had been nothing compared to his shocked expression of horror when Julia had announced for all to hear that she was pregnant.
Holly had felt the news like a hammer-blow. It had left her devastated, angry, humiliated, jealous and confused. Confused because Julia had made her views on babies and motherhood all too clear in the past, so why was she accepting it now? The only explanation Holly had been able to come up with was that her sister must really be in love with Gus to have had such a total change of heart.
As for Gus, knowing what she did of his background, Holly had no doubt how he would react. Whether the baby had been planned or not, Gus would embrace the responsibility of fatherhood one hundred percent.
The flash of triumph in her sister’s hazel eyes when Holly had met her gaze had cut her to the quick and confirmed what she had suspected…Julia had known exactly what she was doing and how much hurt she was inflicting.
Unable to watch them together, or to offer any words of congratulation, Holly had slipped away, seeking privacy before the tears that had threatened to flow could escape. The pain, emptiness and jealousy eating her away had been acute as she’d faced the stark reality: her sister now had everything that Holly had so craved and now lost…Gus and his baby.
News of the pregnancy had been swiftly followed by a rushed December wedding. Holly had been as unsurprised that Gus had demanded it as she’d been surprised that Julia—formerly so anti-marriage—had agreed. But she’d stayed away from the small civil ceremony—as had the entire A&E staff. However, the upsetting chain of events had spurred her to regain control of her own destiny and change things, which had involved putting in a request to transfer to the Children’s Ward as early in the New Year as possible, thus removing herself from A&E…and from Gus.
And now Julia was gone.
There was nothing she could do about the past, Holly allowed, except learn from her mistakes of placing her trust in people who let her down and hurt her so badly. She had to look to the future—especially the future of her nephew. The reality of his existence brought back the painful ache of emptiness that had never really left her, along with a deep sense of loss that made part of her want to run away and never see Gus or his baby again.
But the other part of her had experienced a deep welling of love and protectiveness the instant she had seen the tiny bruised baby—emotions that had only intensified once she’d held him. There had been an instinctive and powerful sense of bonding. And, however difficult and painful life was going to be, she knew in her fractured heart that she could never turn her back on her precious, motherless nephew.
How was Gus going to manage the tiny baby on his own? That question had sparked a range of ideas that had been brewing in her mind since they had first learned of Julia’s tragic death and the baby’s miraculous fight for life. What she didn’t know was how her suggestions might be received—or even, given the bad blood between them, if Gus would list
en to her, let alone allow her any kind of role in his son’s life.
Leaving the restroom and returning to the main unit, Holly squared her shoulders and sucked in a deep, steadying breath. The days and weeks ahead were not going to be easy, she knew that—both because of the anger and resentment she still felt towards Gus and because of the bittersweet emotions the baby aroused within her. But, whatever the cost to herself, fighting for her nephew was one battle she was determined not to lose.
As she approached the section of PICU that housed baby Buchanan she saw that Gus was not alone. One of the nurses was writing up notes while an older woman, who wasn’t wearing a uniform, was talking to Gus. Judging from the expression on his face he was far from pleased with what she was saying. Concerned, Holly joined them, ready to help if she could.
‘Is there a problem?’ she asked, keeping her voice calm and neutral.
Gus’s stormy green gaze met hers. ‘Holly, this is Alison Davison. She works here in the hospital and liaises with the social workers and health visitors.’
‘Ms Davison,’ she greeted her politely, setting down her bag and shaking the woman’s hand. Alison Davison was in her late forties, Holly guessed; tall and solid-looking, with short dark hair and brown eyes devoid of warmth. ‘I’m Holly Tait.’
‘You’re a relative?’ the woman queried.
‘I’m the baby’s aunt.’
It was the simplest explanation—she couldn’t force out the words sister-in-law to describe her link to Gus. Still unsure why Alison Davison was there, what had been discussed, and why Gus was looking so furious, Holly instinctively moved closer to him, wanting to present a united front.
‘Ms Davison is questioning my ability to care for my son,’ Gus explained, his voice carefully controlled but no less lethal for it. ‘She wants to know if I’m giving him up for adoption.’
CHAPTER FIVE
‘I’VE never heard anything so ridiculous!’ Outraged, both at the woman’s question and at the insensitive timing of her visit, Holly turned more fully to face her adversary. ‘Of course the baby is going to stay with his father. There’s no one better able to care for his son than Gus. How could you ever think he would give up his child?’
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