by Ann, Becca
“Where was it?”
I attempt a smile. “In my pocket. Can you believe that?”
Her laugh floats in my ear and something sparks through my chest. Damn it, Ryan! Why do you let her have that effect on you?
“How did that happen?”
Again, I attempt a smirk. “I have a theory.”
“Okay…?”
“Well, did you try to stuff my coat somewhere after you shoved me out the window? You know, when the chaperones came a knockin’.”
She cocks her head, her eyebrows pulling together and her cute lip jutting out. Then she smacks her forehead. “Oh my hell, you think that’s when it fell in there?”
I shrug. “Just a thought. Unless you were digging through my pockets when I wasn’t looking.”
“No!”
We both laugh at her outburst, and she settles her head on my shoulder. I keep my elbow on my knees, my sweaty hands clasping each other. She doesn’t get it. How touching me even in the smallest of ways makes me want to forget all the just friends crap and just go for it. How her warmth next to me makes me lose control over my body. How can she not feel the same way? How can she not feel the heat radiating off my face? The restraint I’m showing?
“Why did you let him take credit?” She’s quiet. Whispering. All jokes aside.
And I shrug, ‘cause I’m a wuss.
“Ryan…”
Her head leaves my shoulder, and she moves my face so I look at her. She gives me a wide grin. The “please, tell me” smile, and I shake my head, chuckling. This is why we’re friends. Why I love her. Because even when I’m feeling like crap, she makes me feel like I’m worth her attention.
“Well, you said you never felt that way about anyone.”
“I—”
“And he said he really liked you.” I cut her off because I don’t want to hear her say it again. “He said he wanted to prove it to you because you didn’t believe him or something like that. And I figured since you spent last night with him, you trust him enough, uh, with that, so…” I let the thought drift off, because saying it out loud makes me realize how stupid it all is. How I’m omitting the most important parts of why.
“I was snowed in.”
“Huh?”
“That’s why I was with him last night. The storm caused this huge snow pile to block the door, and his damn window wouldn’t budge open. I tried calling you a million times, but the phone was busy.” She socks me in the shoulder. “Explain.”
I can’t help but laugh. Bust out and I think I scare her a little. It’s like a stupid sitcom where nothing goes the way it’s supposed to, and when the characters finally figure it out, they look back and see how dumb they were.
“It’s your fault. You made me flirt with that receptionist, who then felt the need to call me every two seconds to warn me about the storm.” I nudge her. “So I unplugged the darn thing.”
“Ha!” She grabs the crook of my arm, and I flex. “It’s like a stupid sitcom.”
Another reason why I love her, we just get each other.
Her head goes back to my shoulder as we calm our laughter, and as we just… be. It’s just us again. Lex and Ryan, best buds and all that junk.
After a few minutes of silence, she sighs, running her fingers down my forearm to rest in my hand. I don’t let her, though. I can’t. Holding her hand—holding her at all—will just make me want more. So I shift, making a real ass of myself.
She sighs again. “I don’t love him.”
My head whips around, and we smack noses. Whoops. Our eyes water as we each cover our faces.
“Sorry,” I say through my fingers. “You okay?”
She nods, letting out another sexy laugh. “No damage done.”
“Um…” There’s no smooth way of bringing the subject back, so I just throw it out there. “You don’t love… I mean… what?”
She smiles, twisting the ring on her pinky. My ring. I panic for a second, wondering what the douche did with the one her dad gave her, but then I see it on her other hand. “I don’t love him. I thought I did, but I totally had the wrong idea of what love is.”
“Yeah?” That’s all I can think of to say.
“Yeah.”
It’s quiet again. Not awkward, but different. She’s got that expression on. The one that tells me she’s got something she wants to tell me, but she doesn’t know how.
“Hey,” I manage to say without touching her, “everything okay?”
She shakes her head, keeping her eyes locked on that ring. “I have to ask you something.”
“Okay…?”
More quiet, but I wait. Not very patiently. My knees start bouncing up and down, and I scratch the back of my neck a million times before she finally talks.
“Why do you do everything for me?”
Of all the things I thought was going through her brain, I did not expect that.
“What?”
“Seriously, you do everything for me. Every boy who broke my heart, you were there. When I wanted to go on this trip, you found a way. When my mom is too much to handle, you let me crash at your place without asking me anything about it. Because you just know. When I have to walk Brewster, you’re there because that dog will drag me along the sidewalk till I’m nothing but walking road rash.”
“Well—”
“You held me when the nightmares kept me up. You held me when I lost my ring. You spent half your senior trip looking for it. You made me laugh, made me happy, made me forget how crappy my life is back home.”
“Well, I—”
“But it’s not crappy. Not when I’m with you.”
Her eyes flick to me, and I jump a little when I see what’s there. I know her, this girl. Know her so well I can see exactly what she’s thinking. And this… what I see… it’s been something I’ve wanted from her for so long.
I must be drunker than I thought.
“Why?” she asks again. “Why do you do it all?”
“Because you’re my best friend.” I’m not lying, so I know I’m not doing all that crap that’ll tell her I am.
She kneels in front of me, moving my hands so she can rest between my legs. She’s closer than normal—closer than she should be if she’s dating someone else.
“Ryan…” I’ve always loved the way my name sounds in her voice. “Be honest with me. It isn’t just because I’m your best friend. It’s… more than that, isn’t it?”
My scar starts twitching, my ears shoot up in flames, and I’m sure my face is purple. I want to lie. I want to bury it. Bury this conversation because I’m about to lose her and everything I have with her. So I don’t say anything. I sit there like an ass. A not-drunk-enough ass.
She reaches up, and smoothes my eyebrow, stopping the twitch. Then her hands move to the top button on my shirt.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it.”
“What?” My voice cracks, and she lets out a nervous giggle.
“It’s more than that for me, too.”
Yup, I must be plastered. This can’t be happening. Lex was with Sean two seconds ago. Kissing him, wrapping around him, wanting him. How can she want this with me? I’ve always been just her friend.
Her fingers slip a bit on my button, but she gets it open, then moves to the next one down. I want to ask her what she’s doing, but I don’t want her to stop. It feels too good, and my heart is pounding in my throat, my entire body is tingling, and my eyes won’t leave hers.
She’s got her two dimpled smile on.
This is happening. It’s too real to not be happening. Everything around me goes fuzzy, but all the other sensations heighten. Her fingers moving downward, her cinnamon breath soaking my nostrils… and damn, the way her sweater hugs underneath her breasts and what it does to my body.
My hands are shaking too as I grab her sides and pull her close. She doesn’t flinch, or jump. Her forehead rests against mine, and she’s still smiling.
She unbuttons the last button.
She unfreezes, stroking a purple fingernail down the hair on my stomach. The sparks that shoot around my body from her touch makes me tight behind the zipper, and my breathing crazy wild as I lean my head back and moan. Her nails make a trail to my sides, under my shirt. I shiver from the goose bumps, and she giggles.
And I unfreeze.
Or I attack, which is more accurate of a word for what I do. Grabbing her under her butt, I stand us both up before I crash with her on the bed. I know I said she was soft before, and she is, but her ass is rock hard. I wish I didn’t let go of it so quickly.
Before I know it, she’s stripping the rest of my shirt off, and I’m trying to get hers too. We both laugh as our arms tangle together. I take care of mine, and she takes care of hers.
And we freeze again. I’ve seen her in a bikini. I’ve seen her in a towel.
But this is different.
More.
She’s wearing a red bra, and I don’t know why I expected a frilly lacey thing, because that isn’t Lex. It’s like this soft, plushy thing. And even though I thought I froze, my fingers are moving up her sides, thumb really close to discovering how that bra feels. Her hands are going up and down my arms. I flex, and she laughs.
Her laugh is what makes me attack again. I’m no longer hovering over her. I’m pressed against her. Skin to skin, boobs to chest. I bring my mouth down, kissing her neck and her jaw line. Her body flushes, making the heat tingle my lips as I move down her collar bone, to her cleavage, to her stomach, to her pant line. I can’t believe she’s letting me. That this is me and Lex, finally being… more.
“Ry?” she breathes as I kiss her bellybutton.
“Yeah?”
“You’re killing me.”
I chuckle and lean up to look in her eyes. “What?”
“Will you please kiss me before I go crazy?”
Something stops me. I want to kiss her. I’m pushing my luck as it is with everything. Wondering if it’s all a dream and I’m going to wake up soon. The corner of my lip pulls up, and I stroke her brown hair, tucking it behind her ear. Her conditioner is amazing. Or it’s her. Probably her.
My hand lands on the side of her face, and I bring my thumb across her mouth. Her glossy lips part, and a small moan escapes.
“I want to, Lex, but…” Here we go. And I think I’m ready to finally say it. How much she means to me. What I want with her. I gulp and sputter out what I’ve been keeping in. “Once I kiss you, I’m not going to want to stop. Ever. I want this.” I find her hand and squeeze it. “You.” I kiss a finger. “Me.” I kiss another. “Us.” And one more. “Everything.”
She smiles. Two dimpled. Her hand finds the back of my head, and she plays with my hair.
“Good.”
My chest gives out an extra set of sparks as I lean in. Her grip on my hair tightens, and it makes things shift everywhere. My arms twitch, my stomach drops, I’m already hard, but I get harder, and my breath comes out in a big gust right before our lips meet.
But they don’t meet. Just as tight as she was pulling me toward her, she’s suddenly pushing me back. No smile. Her eyes search mine, and her nose crinkles like she’s realized what’s happening, and she doesn’t like it. So much that she’s starting to tear up.
I’m frozen again. What is going on?
She leans up, and for a minute I’m thinking she’ll kiss me, but instead she… she sniffs. Her voice cracks a million times when she opens it to ask me the question I really hoped I never had to lie to her about.
“Have you… have you been drinking?”
Chapter 21
Lexie
The disgusting scent hits me like a punch in the face. Vodka. I can detect it anywhere. Even through the mint he used to cover it up. At least I can say mom taught me something.
How did I not smell it sooner? Mom can’t even get the mint trick over me anymore. But this is Ryan, and I…I never thought I’d have to worry about that. I push the anger rising up in me aside.
Ryan drops to the bed and rolls away from me. I crawl over to him, grip his face and pull his mouth closer. His lips swollen from countless kisses dragged across my body. And behind the minty scent of mouthwash I smell it.
I must be mistaken. Ryan wouldn’t. He knows alcohol ruined my life. Knows how much I despise it. I’m imagining it. Nothing good ever happens to me, and I’m trying to convince myself of it. Because being with Ryan is the good I’ve been searching for.
I sniff again and there is no imagining it. The scent is as real as the boy beneath me. My heart plummets into my stomach, throat dries and the grip on Ryan’s face loosens, hand falling in defeat.
Disappointment has plagued my life, but there was one thing I could count on. One person who would never let me down. My eyes travel from his mouth up to those dark eyes, and his look says it all.
He just did.
Tears prick my eyes, but before they pour out, they’re chucked away by anger. I shove Ryan’s chest with every ounce of discontent. His body heaves into the mattress and then pushes back up against me.
“How could you?” I whisper, too full of frustration to yell.
“Lex, let me explain. It’s not what you think.” He reaches his hand up to my cheek, and I smack it away.
The frustration floods out. “Don’t!”
His eyes shoot open, and now I see it, the squinty bloodshot eyes, remorse etched into the strong lines of his face.
“Not what I think, huh? Were you drinking or not?”
“I…uh…” His face even turns purple when he’s drunk.
I don’t want to look at him or smell the betrayal on his breath. Shivers crawl through my skin when I push away from the warmth of his body. I cross my arms to cover myself. We made a pact one night when we were seven. He was the one who said it. He was the one who held his pinky up to me to swear it.
It’d be easy to leave, walk out the door and never look back if I wasn’t shirtless. The bed squeaks as Ryan reaches across it, and takes my shirt in his hand.
Throw it. Please. Throw it.
He doesn’t. Bare chest and stupid happy trail move toward me, hand extended. I stare at his hand. The same hand that only minutes ago roamed my body. I hate the fact I already miss it.
I rip the shirt from his grasp and pull it over my head.
“Lex, please.”
He rubs the back of his neck, and I want to lunge at him. He doesn’t have the right to be nervous. He doesn’t have the right to be anything.
A gush of air rushes out of his still swollen lips. “Talk to me.” His eyes are desperate, staring out at me.
Any other time I would throw away my inhibitions and wrap myself around him. “Talking isn’t going to change anything.”
“Let me fix this.” He steps closer and for a second I don’t move.
Ryan can fix anything. His car, my squeaky cabinet door, his grandparent’s dishwasher, everything.
Almost everything.
I step back. “You can’t.”
“Then let’s forget about this. Act like it never happened.”
“I can’t.”
The desperation in his eyes dissipates, and he squeezes the bridge of his nose.
“Lex, please.”
I shake my head. “You lied to me.” I let the words hang between us before continuing. “That night after my mom went on a binge. You held your pinky out to me and you swore on our friendship that you would never turn to alcohol. I promised right back.” I pointed to my chest. “I kept my promise.”
“We were seven. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you’re being?”
“Ridic
ulous?” Me ridiculous? Oh no. He is not turning the tables on me. “You want to talk about ridiculous?” I take my step back, hands on hips, because if I remove them I’m afraid I might punch him. “You found my ring and instead of giving it to me you gave it to Sean!”
He runs his hands through his hair and then flings them out in front of him. “So he could give it to you!”
“Why couldn’t you give it to me?”
“Because you loved the douche! I was helping the two of you out. You’re welcome!”
I choke on a laugh and snort. “Helping us out? Please. You were helping yourself out!”
“What are you talking about?”
“You were scared of what was happening between us and instead of facing it you ran from it.”
“I don’t run. That’s your department.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“And you’re a tease.”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. How the hell was I supposed to know there was something between us when you acted the same as you always did?”
“That’s not true.”
“Cuddling up to me, wrestling with me, just another day in Lexie World. Go ahead, tell me it isn’t true.”
“It was different.”
“Maybe for you, but for me it was exactly the same. You hanging all over me, winding me up, making me want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted then shooting me down.”
“I never shot you down.”
“Every time you looked away from me, pulled your hand off of me, left me to chase after Sean, you shot me down.”
“Not like I did it intentionally. I didn’t know. You never said anything.”
“And ruin your potential happily ever after with Mr. Perfect?”
“Could you for once not be a sarcastic jerk?”
“So I’m a jerk now? What is it asshole or jerk?”
“Both and while you’re keeping track you can add liar to the list.”
His face is red, and if it was possible lava would pour out of his eyes. He pinches the bridge of his nose again as if that will help the words he can’t form come out.
