by Jeff Povey
‘I swear everyone’s staring at us!’ I hear him hiss at the Ape.
‘Stop wetting yourself,’ the Ape responds.
‘Who in their right mind wouldn’t be?’ GG replies.
GG is wearing the same outfit as he was back in the classroom. Bright yellow jeans, a fur-lined combat jacket with the word WAR(M) on it and a cheap tiara. Together with the oversized Ape in his vast black overcoat, they make the least inconspicuous pair I have ever laid eyes on.
Before the detention that went so spectacularly wrong I barely knew them. GG was always the life and soul of the school, a relentlessly upbeat and excruciatingly funny boy who everyone adores but who no one really knows that well. The Ape is probably the most hated person at school. Both by the kids and the staff. And probably every parent. I was among them until I got to know him a little better. To my surprise I discovered the Ape – or Dazza as he always tries to get us to call him – has the biggest, bravest heart, and there is something inside him that never gives up. No matter the odds he always expects to win.
I can tell GG is ready to scream at the Ape, so I quickly herd them into the charity shop. ‘Move.’
The shop is empty apart from an elderly lady dozing behind the counter with her mouth open. Her false teeth have slipped and it sends a quiet chill through me when I see that even they are metallic and sharp.
I keep my voice low as I whisper to GG and the Ape. ‘OK, we’re looking for a brown battered leather jacket. It was my dad’s and in one of the sleeves, rolled up tight, is our ticket out of here.’
‘We need a ticket?’ the Ape asks.
GG ignores him. ‘So, find the jacket, find the thesis . . . And you’ll understand what your dad wrote?’
‘I’m his daughter,’ I say hopefully. ‘Maybe some of his cleverness will have rubbed off. But let’s be quick and not draw any attention. OK?’
‘Del!’ the Ape suddenly shouts. ‘Hey!’
GG’s eyes almost leap out of his head in horror. ‘What are you doing?’
‘That’s Del,’ the Ape says simply and bangs on the glass door to get the attention of a skinny boy who is passing the charity shop. ‘Hey, Del!’
‘Stop that! It’s not Del!’ I hiss at him.
The Ape looks at me and the lonely cog in his brain shifts another millimetre as he realises what he has just done.
‘Oh, yeah.’
‘Dazza!’ Not-Del grins broadly as he heads into the charity shop. He has lank greasy hair and wears a battered biker jacket.
The Ape falls completely silent.
Not-Del’s grin reveals what look like rusty teeth. He clearly doesn’t floss. ‘What you doing in here? Robbing the place?’
The Ape stays silent.
‘Say something,’ GG hisses through his lips to the Ape.
‘Dazza?’ Not-Del’s brow creases. He doesn’t understand the Ape’s silence.
I nudge the great oaf. Hard.
The Ape finally responds. ‘Shopping.’
What a genius.
‘Yeah? For what?’ asks Not-Del.
‘For . . . shopping.’
‘Shopping for shopping?’
‘Yeah.’
The Ape’s alarmingly blunt and unfriendly conversation skills are not helping so I link my arm through his.
‘Sorry, Del, we’re sort of busy right now.’
‘You with her?’ Not-Del looks surprised and I realise that by linking arms with the Ape I’ve made it look like we’re a couple.
‘Yeah,’ the Ape responds. ‘Till I find something better,’ he crows.
GG is all but dancing on the spot he is so nervous. ‘Rev, we need to, uh . . . you know . . .’
Not-Del hasn’t really noticed GG until now. ‘GG?’ he says and swallows hard.
‘Hi.’ GG nervously waggles his fingers.
But Not-Del is experiencing fear on a massive scale as he looks at GG.
And then it dawns on me. When we met Evil-GG, the super-powered, super-bitchy version of our GG, he bragged that he was the worst of the worst. Judging by Not-Del’s reaction he was right on that score.
All I know about Del is that he was held back a year because he barely showed up for class. But this version of him obviously has history with Evil-GG. His talons are shooting in and out of his fingertips, a nervous reaction.
‘You’re friends with GG?’ Not-Del asks the Ape.
‘We’re bezzies.’
Not-Del looks between the two of them. ‘Why are you so small?’ he asks the Ape.
The Ape from this world is huge, over seven feet tall and probably just as wide. I see GG’s eyes widen with worry.
‘I ain’t small,’ the Ape says.
‘Yeah you are.’
‘No you are,’ the Ape says defiantly.
‘Eh?’
‘You’re small.’
Not-Del seems to have become totally confused. Thank God he missed at least half his schooling.
GG takes a big breath and steps closer to Not-Del, channelling all the Evil-GG he can muster. ‘You got a problem, Del?’
‘No, GG! No, no, no, I swear.’ I have no idea what Evil-GG has done to this poor boy, but it’s obviously not pleasant.
‘Then why don’t you let us finish our shopping?’
‘Yeah, absolutely, totally.’ Not-Del’s face is draped in panic as he takes one last confused look at the Ape. ‘Always thought you were bigger than that.’
‘You were always smaller,’ the Ape tells him.
‘On your way, Del.’ GG flutters his fingers at Not-Del, who turns and hurries out of the shop. ‘Bye-bye now.’
GG takes a moment for the moment to settle then giggles. ‘Did you see that? Did you? I am officially the scariest boy in town. Oh, we have to stay here now. Let me dream the dream.’
I allow GG three seconds of omnipotence and then yank hard on the Ape’s arm and together with GG we move deeper into the shop.
‘We’ve got to be quick, all right? Quick and . . .’ I study the old lady who is still dozing ‘. . . quiet.’
‘She’s farted.’ The Ape fires a disgusted look at the snoozing woman as he waves at the bad air. ‘Gas butt!’
‘It’s the smell of the clothes,’ GG tells him.
‘I know fart, and that is fart.’
‘For God’s sakes, can we just look for the jacket?’ I hiss.
The Ape breathes in deeply, like he’s the equivalent of an expert wine-smeller. ‘Definitely fart.’
The old woman stirs, opens her eyes and sees us.
‘Hello.’ She smiles, then realising her false teeth have slipped she pushes them back into her mouth. In a world of such gifted people, some of whom can heal, it comes as a strange comfort to think they can still lose their teeth and grow old and decrepit.
‘Can I help?’ She glows red from embarrassment.
‘You can open a window,’ the Ape replies.
The old lady stiffens a little so I try to steer her attention my way. ‘I’m looking for a jacket. My mum and I accidentally donated it with a lot of old clothes.’
‘We have a lot of jackets.’ She smiles and waves towards the rear of the shop. ‘But, if you find it, it’s yours.’
‘Thank you,’ I say and head for the row of old jackets and musty unfashionable trousers lined along one of the rear walls.
GG comes with me, keeping his voice low. ‘What if it’s not here?’
‘We’ll try the next charity shop and the one after that.’
‘But, Rev, what do we do if we can’t find a way home? It won’t take long before someone notices we’re different,’ he says.
‘Let’s not give them the chance. We’re getting out of here and that’s that.’
Something shifts in the room. I don’t know what it is but my secret inbuilt spider sense is not happy. Ever since I was in the empty world I’ve had this warning signal. If I’m near danger my shoulders start tingling. So far it hasn’t been wrong. Which is both good – and bad.
‘That’
s odd,’ the old woman says.
I stop in my tracks.
‘Very odd.’
I turn back to her. ‘Odd?’
GG’s breath catches in the back of his throat and his eyes open wide. The Ape is busy sniffing a cheap naked figurine. ‘Why’s everything stink in here?’
‘Well.’ The old woman takes a moment before her eyes find mine and look directly into me. ‘You three are odd.’
The old woman’s lips don’t move when she speaks.
‘We are?’ GG and I speak at the exact same time. She has entered both of our heads simultaneously. That’s a feat Other-Johnson hasn’t mastered. He’s a telepath too. He can grab people’s minds and put them in other people’s heads. He can also steal girls’ hearts, but I can’t afford to get sidetracked thinking about him. As far as I know he’s dead and that’s just too heartbreaking to contemplate.
‘What’s odd?’ asks the Ape five seconds later.
The old woman is reading our minds and to her credit she doesn’t panic or scream. ‘Well, well,’ she says.
‘Please,’ I urge her. ‘We know we shouldn’t be here.’
‘Just want to be on our way,’ says GG.
The old woman takes a moment to think about whatever she’s seen in our minds.
In that moment a talon slides from her finger.
‘Hold on a sec, we can explain,’ GG urges her.
The old woman drags thoughts and images from our heads. I feel them torn from me and even though I try my best to think of something else she tears out snapshots of the last few days. The awful moment when we ran a train over the Moth’s double. Yes. A train. Then there was Carrie’s double who I crushed and flattened with a wheelchair. It fell from the top of a hotel roof and hit her smack in the face. It was an accident but the old woman is already scrolling to images of Other-Johnson lying dead in the middle of a town square identical to the one outside her shop. That was really down to my evil double, but we’re so similar it looks like it was me who did it. So all in all I’m not coming across that well.
The old woman pales at the images.
‘Please,’ I say again, and this time I have tears in my eyes because the image of the dead Other-Johnson has ripped through me. ‘We’re lost,’ I tell her. ‘We’re totally lost.’ Which is true in so many ways.
But the old woman isn’t listening. She is too scared. ‘Wha-what do you want?’ she stammers.
GG puts up his hand to get her attention. ‘To go home, that’s all. We want to be back in time for supper.’
There’s something in her black eyes, a rising fear of us, and she seems to be particularly frightened of the Ape. Whatever she has found in his head has disgusted her. ‘You,’ she spits, ‘you are a horrible creature.’
‘You’re the one farting,’ says the Ape.
The old woman gets to her unsteady feet. ‘Stay away from me.’
‘We’re not here to hurt you,’ I tell her.
‘I need help,’ she mutters.
‘We’re the ones who need help,’ GG pleads with her.
‘Hello, are you there? Anyone? Can you hear me?’ I realise that she’s trying to mentally transmit an SOS to as many people as she can. And she’s going to bring them all to the charity shop.
‘Hello, hello?’
‘Rev.’ GG can sense it too as the old woman gathers her strength.
‘Please!’ I say for a third time. ‘Look closer. We’re good people.’
The old woman continues to gather her power. ‘Please come!’ She starts to shake and tremble; the transmission is taking all of her strength.
‘Don’t,’ I plead. ‘Please, please don’t do this.’
She is ready, though, ready to summon a town of vicious creatures.
‘Ape!’ I yell, truly wishing it didn’t have to be this way.
The Ape is huge, overweight and slow. But put a weapon in his thick stubby-fingered hands and he turns into one of the Three Musketeers. He grabs a metre-high porcelain statue and is ready to smash the old woman with it when she lets out a low whimper. Her nose bleeds with drops of black oily blood as she collapses back into her chair.
‘I’m not what I was . . .’ she mumbles as her eyes roll back in her head and she slips into unconsciousness. The exertion was too much for her and to my absolute relief we are safe. For now.
That doesn’t stop the Ape from raising the porcelain statue above his head to bring down on the old woman. ‘Eat this.’
‘No!’ I yell.
GG moves quicker than I have ever seen him and he gets in front of the old woman. ‘We’re OK, Dazza,’ he urges. ‘She can’t do anything to us.’
The Ape takes an eternity to come to a decision but eventually even he can see that battering a defenceless old woman with a statue isn’t exactly polite behaviour.
‘She got lucky,’ is all he mutters.
I turn to the clothes section in the very vain hope of finding my dad’s jacket.
‘Quick. Help me,’ I tell GG.
GG starts grabbing at jackets. ‘This one?’ he asks.
I shake my head.
‘This?’ Another shake of the head.
‘This one?’ The Ape has picked up a woman’s raincoat.
‘That is not leather,’ GG quietly admonishes him.
We find five more jackets but none of them are my dad’s.
‘We need to try another charity shop,’ GG declares, up to his knees in fallen leather.
‘The next one is over there.’ I point diagonally across the square. ‘But remember some of those aliens can read minds so keep your heads clear of anything that might give us away.’
‘Maybe we should just send the Ape,’ offers GG weakly. ‘They wouldn’t find a thing in there.’
I ease the door open. ‘Ready?’ I ask.
‘Wait.’ The Ape grabs three sets of sunglasses from a box of second- and third-hand eyewear.
‘We’re looking for a leather jacket!’ GG tells him.
‘They’ve got weird eyes.’ The Ape hands me a pair of cheap Ray-Ban rip-offs. ‘We haven’t.’
I am stunned into silence. The Ape has moments of genius that still astonish me. Of course we should try and hide our eyes. Why didn’t I think of that?
GG slips on a pair of aviators and immediately checks his look in the nearest mirror. ‘Well hello Top Gun.’
The Ape has a pair of thick-framed glasses on now and looks in the mirror too. ‘Yowza,’ he says.
The town square isn’t large, but moving through so many people who could potentially kill us might be one of the hardest things we’ll ever do. We start walking as casually as we can. The Ape even tries whistling but it’s tuneless and brings sharp looks so I nudge him and he stops.
I start scanning the square. I have no idea how many different types of powers people have in this world. Knowing our luck there’s bound to be someone who has the nose of a shark who can sniff us out from a thousand different odours.
‘I think I need a tinkle,’ whispers GG.
‘Cross your legs. You’ll have to wait,’ I whisper.
The next charity shop is little more than forty metres away down a side street that leads off from the square.
We can do this, I think. We can make it. We have to.
‘Yo, Pink!’
A voice calls through the air and I’d recognise it anywhere. It’s Ella. One of the banes of my life at school. She’s a big lumbering girl who basically hates any girl who is smaller and skinnier than her. Although, of course we’re in the other world, so this is Not-Ella.
‘Keep walking,’ urges GG.
‘Hey!’ Not-Ella shouts louder this time and because I don’t want people looking at us I reluctantly turn round and see a group of girls sitting on a bench by the tall blue clock in the centre of the square. They’re all in my school year and Carrie’s hatred of me only just trumps what these four feel about me.
Not-Ella likes to squeeze herself into ill-fitting clothes rather than admit she’s act
ually two sizes bigger. She has hated me since primary school. I was chosen to play Archangel Gabriel in the school nativity while she was cast as the cattle shed. In truth it’s the teacher she should have a problem with but the Ella in my world doesn’t see it that way and it seems that neither does this version of her.
Not-Ella gets to her feet and her aggressive acolytes follow suit.
The Ape stares down Not-Ella. ‘What d’you want?’ he says in his dull aggressive tone.
Not-Ella walks over and comes face to face with us. Her spiteful little friends hang back a pace or two and I’m scanning them wondering what sort of powers they may possess.
‘I was talking to her,’ Not-Ella hisses.
‘And now you’re talking to me,’ the Ape responds.
There are many, many things wrong about the Ape but when it comes to confrontation then he’s the fiercest, most capable person in the world. And that’s any world you care to mention.
Not-Ella hesitates. The Ape from this realm is unbelievably strong – he practically tore a train in half when we first encountered him – and she’s obviously well aware of this. Even if he is a lot smaller now.
‘I’m just saying.’ Not-Ella is less confident.
‘And I’m just saying it too.’
As the Ape stands his ground, I feel hugely protected. With him by my side I don’t think anything could hurt me. Ella weighs up her options, then gives me the bird and turns away.
‘Laters,’ she spits.
I allow myself a second of relief and then set off again, quicker now, eager to reach the next charity shop.
GG speaks with his hand cupped over his mouth but even through it I can hear the fear in his voice. ‘Rev? I think they’re looking at us funny.’
I look up and everywhere I turn I meet someone’s eye. It definitely feels like they are all watching us. There are pairs of staring black eyes everywhere I turn. Thank God we’re wearing sunglasses.
‘C’mon,’ I urge and we set off, moving as fast as we dare. But faces are stopping to stare and it really does seem that every time I look up I catch someone else’s eye. They don’t look at all friendly and my danger-alarm starts to quietly scream inside me. It builds steadily as more people take a moment to double take as we push through them.
