by Rachel Ford
“Uh, anywhere,” I tried, hoping to smooth over my faux pas.
But she rolled her eyes, mumbling something incoherent under her breath, and Derel watched with unabashed astonishment. “Well,” she said, “you find a better cook, you just let me know, Miss Lilia. I’ll pack my bags right away and give her the privilege of watching you let her best work go cold before you touch it.”
“And what would you do without me to take care of, Agnes?”
“Babysit, more like.”
“You’d go mad in a week.”
She snorted a third time. “Mad with relief, more like.” Handing me my own cup, she took her leave.
The squire stared into her teacup with a deliberateness that made me laugh. “You needn’t look so scandalized, Derel.”
She blinked up at me and flushed. “I…I’m not.”
“Agnes has been with my family long before I was born,” I explained. “She’s a good friend. And – truly – the best cook. As long as you stay out of her kitchen.”
She nodded, her long hair bobbing with the motion. “Of course.”
I supposed that to her, having spent so many of her recent years in military installations, that must have been a shocking exchange. It would never be permitted for a subordinate to address a commanding officer in such terms. Perhaps she saw it through that lens.
Then again, perhaps it had nothing to do with her familiarity with military structure.
Ana was a Derel, after all. Would a Derel permit such familiarity with a member of their house staff? Probably not. From what I’d seen in my time in the capital, those families tended to maintain a much more rigid separation of class and station than we observed in the shire.
She took another sip of her tea. “KP?”
“Yes?”
“I…I wasn’t entirely honest earlier. When I send the commander told me to bring the skimmer back. He asked me and Phillip if one of us would. I volunteered.”
I frowned, my earlier suspicions creeping back. What was Lidek’s angle? That he had an angle, I didn’t for a moment doubt. He hadn’t – he wouldn’t – tell her his ridiculous plan. Would he? “For what?”
“The Commander told us, Phillip and me, about how you stood up for us yesterday. And, I don’t know if I’m going to be here much longer. If we get assignments, or…well, if they send us back to Academy. I didn’t know if I’d see you again. So I wanted to thank you for that, while I could.”
“Oh.” I was nonplussed by the genuine gratitude in her expression and tone. “Of course. But, you don’t need to thank me. I only said what I meant, Derel.”
She nodded. “Yes ma’am. Still, I appreciate it. We both do. Phillip would have come too. But…”
I nodded. “How’s he holding up?”
She shook her head. “He’s alright. I think. He blames himself, you know. Especially after…well, it doesn’t matter.”
“After the council meeting?”
She met my gaze, then nodded. “What KP Alduran said…”
I snorted. “Alduran is a fool.” Her eyes widened again, and I shrugged. “Confidentially, of course.”
Her surprise turned into a giggle, and the sound made me smile too. Derel didn’t strike me as the giggling kind. She flushed. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed.”
“Why? I said it, not you.” She surveyed me curiously, as if trying to make up her mind about something. I wasn’t sure what, so I continued, “Anyway, it’s true. He is a fool. Your KP was a marked man, the instant that wyvern landed. As soon as the rider realized his dragon couldn’t burn him, he would have fired. Whether you and Phillip were there or not.
“And for him to imply otherwise is wrong, but it’s worse than wrong. It’s cruel and stupid.”
She blinked at me, saying in a low tone, “Thank you, KP.”
I nodded again. I hadn’t meant for the conversation to turn so dark. “What about you, Derel? How are you holding up?”
“I…” She turned her eyes to the teacup and saucer in her lap. “I don’t know, honestly.”
It was my turn to study her. She seemed suddenly to have deflated, as if she was collapsing inward. “Losing my knight,” I said slowly, “was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, Derel.”
Now, she glanced up. “How did you…well, keep at it?”
I nodded. “It was after…after I was promoted. But…it damned near killed me.”
She nodded too. “I’m sorry.”
I smiled softly, finding that I was studying my own teacup, tracing my finger up the delicate china handle, as if I was committing every swirl and curlicue to memory. “Me too.” I drew in a breath and met her gaze. “But you will live, Ana. You will find your feet again.”
“I know,” she said. “I just wish…”
“Don’t,” I warned. “You’ll drive yourself mad that way.”
“If I’d just fired another shot,” she persisted. “One more shot: he’d still be alive.”
“Maybe. But he could have shot too, Derel.”
She blinked. “Ilyen?”
I nodded. “In the heat of battle, we all make choices. You didn’t fire on a defeated foe. Neither did he. You’re no more guilty of that than Ilyen. And if he could not take that shot, he wouldn’t fault you for it.”
“I didn’t think of it,” she admitted, tears welling in her eyes. “I…I was so focused on the dragon…”
I nodded. “That happens, Derel. Battle is chaos. If we could control for everything, if we could know every outcome…well, we’d probably know better than to wage wars.
“But we’re only human.”
Chapter Thirteen – Derel
Somehow, I’d broken down. I’d fought all day to keep those tears in check. I really thought, once I got on the road and put the base behind me, I’d mastered them.
And somehow, here in KP Callaghan’s sitting room, the floodgates opened. These were no gentle sobs, or light tears, either. No, I was bawling like a baby.
She hadn’t even said anything particularly profound to reduce me to such a mess. Hell, I was pretty sure she still thought I’d been in love with Ilyen.
My fit of tears I’m sure only confirmed the idea to her. But I couldn’t stop. The more I cried, the more I needed to cry. The more I tried to stop crying, the more I cried.
She’d sat awkwardly across from me for a space, assuming, I guess, that the waterworks would be of short duration. Then, when it became apparent that that wasn’t the case, she’d moved beside me. Taking the teacup and setting it on the table, she put a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, you’re going to be alright, Derel.”
I wanted to laugh at how stiff and awkward, and clearly out of her comfort zone, she was. I didn’t. I just cried more.
Finally, she wrapped me in a hug. It was a clumsy hug, with all the lack of finesse of her earlier attempts to comfort me. Still, I sank into it, burying my face in her shoulder. I soaked her tunic with tears, but she didn’t seem to mind. Indeed, she even lost the air of discomfort as the minutes passed. “You’ll be alright, Ana. I promise. Everything’s going to work out.”
Eventually, I spent my tears. I felt like I’d spent a lifetime’s worth of tears. I sat back, wiping my face. “I’m going to miss him so much.”
She nodded, and I saw that her own eyes were red. “I know.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to face my family, if they send me back to Academy.” It was terrible of me, I knew. But the loss of Ilyen and my own sorry prospects kept swirling around in my mind, competing for dominance. I knew, in the scheme of things, my humiliation was a trifle.
But the idea of going back to the academy so soon before my promotion, like some kind of reject toy sent back to the factory, filled me with shame. That wasn’t what was happening. But that’s why squires went back to the academy, after placement. That’s what everyone thought.
I’d failed my knight. He’d died as a consequence of my failure. And now…I was headed back to the academy. Even if Callaghan didn’t
see it that way, other people would.
My father would. My brothers would. I’d be the Derel who couldn’t cut it, who shamed the family name. The girl who couldn’t be happy being a girl. Mine was a military family, but Derel daughters didn’t serve. They married knights and raised the next generation of knights and mothers. I’d failed to do that. Now, I’d failed to be a knight. Like they always knew I would.
My mom would want to fix it. I told you this military thing wouldn’t work out for you, darling. It’s not too late to settle down. I could hear her voice. I could predict her words. She’d be drawing up prospective marriages, to rescue me from my own choices. She’d been doing it since I enrolled at the academy. Hell, she probably had a list of possible husbands all picked out.
I blinked back a new wave of tears. I had no idea where they’d come from, or how it was even physically possible.
Callaghan was quiet. I supposed she must have thought me as heartless as I felt. I rubbed at my face brusquely. I needed to be going. I’d humiliated myself here enough. Gods only knew what Commander Lidek would think, if she told him. Gods, don’t let her tell him. Please.
“Well,” I said, pushing to my feet, “I’m sorry. I should go.”
She stood too, nodding. “Alright, Derel. Are you sure – well, you don’t want a ride back?”
“Yes. Thank you, KP, but I’d rather walk.”
With a few words of farewell, she let me go. I kept my composure until I reached the great hall, but then my steps picked up. I practically raced out of the keep, sinking against the door after I shut it behind me. I stood there trembling, drawing in a series of long, ragged breaths.
Gods, what an imbecile I just made of myself. What the hell, Derel?
Then, I pulled myself up, and headed down the walk. I’d gotten about twenty meters when I heard the sound of a door open. I turned to see KP Callaghan burst out, calling a little breathlessly, “Squire Derel, wait.”
I blinked. “KP?”
She drew up, seeming surprised to find me still so near. Little does she know, I’d had another breakdown on her front step.
“Squire, I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to ask you something.”
“Oh.” I nodded. I had no idea what she needed, but occupation would probably be better than torturing myself with my thoughts. “How can I help?”
She loosed a breath. “Well, um, the thing is…well, I was talking to the commander. And he thought…that is, we kind of thought…” She shook her head, as if trying to collect her thoughts. “What I mean is, you and Phillip: you don’t have a KP right now. And the commander wasn’t sure he’d be able to find you a situation until after the new year. Which, for you, is too late.”
None of this was new to me. “I know.”
“Yes, but what I’m getting at is…well, I don’t have a squire. I know it’s not the most exciting assignment. And I’m probably not either of your first picks. But, uh, if you and Phillip wanted…I think it’s probably a good idea for the Knight of the Shire to have a squire or two. Especially now, with dragons in the area and everything.”
I stared, unsure of what to say. I suppose I was still processing her words.
She flushed. “Only if you’re interested, I mean. And I understand if you’d rather pursue more interesting assignments. It is very boring here.”
I realized she was taking my silence as hesitation, and so I forced my brain to action. “No, Callaghan…that’s incredible. You really mean it? You’d take us both?”
She nodded. “If you’re interested, yeah.”
“Yeah. Of course, yeah. I know Phillip will want to, too. He’ll be thrilled. We’ve both been so worried…wow. Thank you, KP.” I was rambling, and I tried to collect myself. “Thank you.”
She shrugged. “Of course. You’re both good officers. My pleasure, really.” Now, she produced the set of keys I’d given her from a pocket and tossed them to me. “Why don’t you take the skimmer, and get Phillip? If he’s up to it, I mean. If not, we can talk tomorrow. But, if he is, we can talk about it tonight. Over dinner.” She smiled. “Agnes will appreciate the extra mouths to feed anyway. And I won’t hear complaints about letting the food go to waste.”
I drove back to base in something of a haze. The road was empty, which was probably best for everyone – me, because crashing my prospective KP’s skimmer would be no way to start as a squire, and everyone else because, well, I was a little distracted.
I found Phillip moping in the barracks. He didn’t believe me at first, but after a few reassurances, he was on his feet and ready to go. “We should tell the commander first,” I decided.
“Right.”
Lidek surveyed us curiously when we entered his office. I suppose we must have looked a mess. My eyes still stung from my tears earlier, and Phillip’s face was swollen from the crying he’d been doing, and concealing, throughout the day.
“What can I do for you, Squires?”
I told him the good news, and he smiled. “Well, well. Good. Excellent.”
“Then, we can go?”
“Well, I think you’d better. When your KP says hustle, you hustle.”
“Yessir,” I grinned.
Phillip was smiling ear-to-ear. He looked like a kid on feast day, and it struck me that, despite being a squire, he was still very young. I was a woman, but Aaronsen was not much more than a child. I clapped him on the back. “Let’s go, Phil.”
“One thing, before you go.”
“Sir?”
Lidek glanced us both over again. “You should know, KP Callaghan has never had much interest in training squires. As Knight of the Shire, she has more demands on her time than she rightly knows what to do with. But I know she was impressed with you – both of you. She saw potential she didn’t want dimmed by the tragedy.” Now, his gaze grew sterner. “I trust you will not make her regret her generosity in taking you in.”
“No sir.”
“Absolutely not, sir.”
“Good. Then, you’re dismissed.”
“Yessir. Thank you, sir.”
He waved us away, and we went. “The skimmer’s out front,” I said.
“The KP’s skimmer?” I nodded, and he whistled. “Wow. She let you drive it?”
I snorted. “Of course.”
He seemed more impressed than was probably warranted. If Callaghan had seen me in the state I was in on the road, she’d probably never let me touch the keys again. Still, I wasn’t about to let on to Aaronsen.
We got into the skimmer and wound our way down the darkened road. I didn’t drive much. Vehicles were something of a rarity, even in the military, and while we’d been trained to drive, we didn’t often have the opportunity to exercise that skill set.
My family had vehicles, of course. But the Derels didn’t drive themselves. The Derels employed chauffeurs.
It was an exciting, if somewhat hair raising, experience, now that the sun had set. Even with headlights cutting little beams of light into the dusk, I struggled to make out the road. A rabbit darting across it damned near put my heart in my mouth.
Even Phillip yelped. He was laughing, too, as we bounced over potholes or sped down little rises.
His emotions had been all over the map today. So had mine. But it was good to hear him laugh again.
We reached the Callaghan estate, and he whistled as he peered out the windows. “Damn. She’s got her own castle?”
It was a nice place, in its own way. Compared to one of the Derel holdings, it was decidedly provincial. But it was grand, and well-maintained, with a distinct shire flavor in its grey cut stone and straightforward architecture.
“Yup,” I nodded.
“I never lived in a castle.”
“Really?”
He shook his head. “A few forts, since I enlisted. But never a castle.”
“Oh. Well, they’re not always all they’re cracked up to be.”
He glanced askew at me. “You’re saying you have?”
I nodded. “M
y family owns a few, yeah.”
He shook his head. “You people must be richer than the queen.”
I laughed. “If you’re looking for a way to cozy up to a Derel, you found it. But I’m the wrong Derel for that kind of thing to work.”
“Well, the Aaronsens don’t own castles. So this will be a first for me.”
Claxton was a good cook. Decent food would have been worlds better than what the mess hall offered, but hers was genuinely good. The goat was tender and flavorful, and the sides hearty and rich.
She was, perhaps, not quite as talented as the KP thought, but that belief, I imagined, was probably more a product of their long years of friendship than anything else.
The food had been waiting for us, and Callaghan insisted we eat first. “Believe me, you do not want to let Claxton see her dinner sitting out and getting cold.” She grinned at the pair of us. “That, I suppose, is our first lesson: never piss off Claxton.”
A harrumph sounded from across the room, and I glanced up to see the old woman entering with a tray of coffee. “You’ll be a good teacher, Miss Lilia. If only you’d take your own advice.”
Dinner passed with a kind of nervous energy between us all. Phillip drowned his nerves in great platefuls of meat and oceans of gravy, in piles of buttered rolls and fresh pasties. He even worked through a sizable helping of roasted vegetables.
Claxton regarded the boy with approbation, not the least of which sprang from his ample praise of her cooking. When the meal finished, she brought more coffee and a cake.
I could eat none of it, with as much as I’d already consumed, and said so. So did Aaronsen, but it wasn’t two minutes later before he’d downed a slice of cake and gone back for seconds.
I did have a cup of coffee, though, and so did Callaghan. Then, refreshments in hand, we retired to one of her evening sitting rooms. Aaronsen, still working through his cake, wandered the room, marveling at intricate carvings and gilded fixtures. “You have anything like this in your castles, Ana?” he’d ask now or then. Once, he called, “Check this out: it’s a blade from the first Elven War.” Another time, he asked Callaghan about the history of her keep, and whistled, saying, “Wow. This place has got to be older than your castles, Derel.”
